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DICK'S     ^ 

DUTCH,  FRENCH  ^YANKEE 


DIALECT  RECITATIONS. 


A  ooiiAonoH  or 


DBOLL  DUTCH  BLUNDERS,  FRENCHMEN'S  FUNNY  MISTAKES,  AND 
LUDICROUS  AND  EXTRAVAGANT  YANKEE  YARNS; 

EACH  RECITATION  BEING  IN  ITS  OWN  PECULIAR  DIALECT. 


EDITED  BY  WM.  B.  DICK 


NEW  YORK: 
DICK    &    FITZGERALD,    PUBLISHERS, 

No.    18   Ann   Street. 


Entered  aocording  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1879,  by 

DICK    &    FITZGEEALD. 
In  the  office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress  at  Washington. 


CONTENTS. 


r>XJTCH  DIAXJECrC. 

PASS. 
DER  Mt7LE  ShTOOD  ON  DEB    STEAMBOAD  DECK 6 

Go  Vay,  Becky  Milleb 6 

Ceb  Iibummeb 12 

Mygel  Sntoeb's  Babty 13 

Snyder's  Nuse 20 

Dyin'  Vobd3  of  Isaac 22 

Fr.rrz  vvd  1 23 

Betsey  vvd  I  Hafe  Bust  Ub 28 

scuneideb  bees  j.eah 30 

Dot  Funny  Leetle  Baby 34 

SCIINlTZEKi'S   PhIIX>80PEDE 35 

Deb  Doo  ckd  deb  Lobsteb 39 

ScnLOBSEB'S  IlTDE 43 

Mine  Katkine 48 

Maud  Mulleb 62 

EiN  Dectsches  Lied 57 

Hans  AKD  Feitz 68 

Schneiuek's  Tomatoes 63 

DElTSt'HE  Advebtisemest , 64 

Vas  Bkndeb  Henshpeceed 72 

LlFE^  LlBEBTY  AND  LiAQEB 74 

Deb  CtooT  Looniu'  Shnow 76 

Mb.  Schmidt's  Mistake 78 

Home  Again 79 

Dot  Suepeise  Party 80 

Deb  Wbeck  op  deb  Hejibeeus 91 

Ikaao  Rosenthal  on  tub  Ciunebk  Question 99 

IIans  Bkeixmann's  Party 100 

Shoo  Flies 106 

A  Dutchman's  Answeb 107 

now  Jake  Schneideb  Went  Blind 109 

I  Vash  so  Glad  I  Vash  Hebe 115 

The  DuTCHJiAN  and  the  Yankee 120 

UowTHE  Dutchman  Killed  the  Woodchuck 124 

Deb  Kighd  Pehind  Gbisdmas 125 

The  Dutchscan's  Snake 126 

YoppY'8  Vabdeb  tjnd  Hees  Drubbles 130 

Dhbee  Sheadebs 133 

Katbina  Ijees  Mk  Poody  Vtix 135 

Hans  IN  a  Frs 139 

Lekhle  Yawcob  Btbauss 142 

How  a  Dutchman  was  Done 143 

Dot  Lambs  vox  Maey  Haf  Got 146 

The  Yankee  and  the  Dutchman's  Doo 147 

ZwEi  Lagee 14tf 


4  coNTEin:s. 

PAGE. 

Scrneideb's  Bide 153 

The  Dutchjlvs  and  the  Smali,-pox. 155 

TiAMONDTS  on  DEB  PBAIN 157 

A  Dutchman's  Testimony  in  a  Steamboat  Case 161 

Hans  Beeitmann  and  the  Tubnebs 163 


The  Pbenchman's  Dilemma;  ob,  Numbeb  Five  Collect  Street 7 

The  PuENcnuAN's  Eevenoe 24 

Koozell  and  the  Okgan  Gkindeb 36 

How  A  Frenchman  EsTEBTAiNED  John  Bull 41 

Mb.  EoGEr.3  and  SdoxsrEUB  Denise 54 

The  Fbenchman  and  the  Landlord 59 

The  Fbenchman  and  the  Sheep'8  Teottees 70 

A  FBENCHMAN'a  ACCOUNT  OP  THE  FaT.T. ^75 

I  Vant  to  Fly 81 

The  Geneeous  Feenchman 93 

The  Feenchman  and  the  Flea  Powdee 98 

The  Fbenchman  and  the  Eats 108 

MONSTEUB   TONSON Ill 

Vat  You  Please 117 

The  Fbenchman  ant)  the  Mosquitoes 123 

The  Fbenchman's  Patent  Bceew 134 

The  Fbenchman's  Mistake '.  .140 

MoNSTEUB  MOCQUABD  JiETWEEN  TWO  FlEES 150 


Y^VinCEE  DtAJLECT. 

Mbs.  Bean's  Courtship 15 

Hez  and  the  Xandlobd 45 

Squiee  Billings'  Pickerel 49 

Deacon  Thrush  in  Meeting 61 

The  Yankee  Fibeside 66 

Peteb  Sobghum  in  Love 84 

Mrs.  Smart  Deaens  how  to  Skate 86 

Capt.  Hubbicane  Jones  on  the  Miracles 101 

The  Dutchman  and  the  Yankee 120 

The  Yankee  Landlobd 12^ 

The  Bewitched  Clock 136 

The  Yankee  and  the  Dutchman's  Dog • 147 

Aunt  Hettv  on  Matrimony 151 

The  Coubtin' 158 

Ebenezeb  on  a  Bust 162 

SuT  liOTiiiGooD's  Bhibt 165 


DICK'S 

DUTCH,  FRENCH  ^YANKEE 

DIALECT   RECITATIONS.. 


DER  MULE  SHTOOD  ON  DER  STEAM- 
BOAD  DECK. 

AS  B£CITKU  BX  t.   8.   BtTBDETT. 

Der  mule  shtood  on  der  steamboad  deck, 

For  der  land  he  wouldn't  dread, 
Dhey  tied  a  balder  rount  bis  neck, 

Und  vacked  him  over  der  headt. 

But  obstinate  and  braced  ho  shtood. 

As  bom  der  scene  do  rule,  ' 

A  creature  of  der  holt-back  brood — 

A  shtubbom,  shteadfast  mule. 

Dhey  cursed  and  shwore,  bud  he  vould  not  go 

Undill  he  felt  inclined, 
Und  dough  dhey  dundered  blow  on  blow, 

Ho  aldered  nod  his  mind. 

Der  boats-boy  to  der  shore  complained, 

Der  varmint's  bound  do  shtay, 
Shtai  ubon  dot  olt  mule's  hide 

Der  soimding  lash  made  blay. 

His  masder  firom  der  shore  reblied, 
"  Der  boad's  aboud  do  sail ; 
As  Oder  means  in  vain  you've  dried, 
Subbose  you  dwist  his  daU. 


GO  VAY,   BECKY  MILLER,   GO  VAT. 

I  dhink  dot  dat  vill  magke  him  land." 
Der  boats-boy,  brave,  dough  bale, 

Den  near  drew  mit  oudstretched  hand, 
Do  magke  der  dwist  avail. 

Dhen  game  a  kick  of  thunder  sound  I 

Dot  boy — oh,  vhore  vas  he  ? 
Ask  of  der  vaves  dot  far  around 

Beheld  him  in  der  sea. 

Tor  a  moment  not  a  voice  was  heard, 
Bud  dot  mule  he  vinked  his  eye, 

As  dhough  to  ask,  to  him  ocemTed, 
How  vas  dot  for  high  ? 


•GO  VAY,  BECKY  MILLER,  GO  VAY! 

A  FAVORITE  DUTCH  DLUJ:CT  BECITATION. 

I  don't  lofe  you  now  von  schmall  little  bit. 
My  dream  vas  blayed  oudt,  so  blease  git  up  und  git ; 
Your  false-heardted  vays  I  can't  got  along  mit — 
Go  vay,  Becky  Miller,  go  vay ! 

Yas  all  der  young  vomans  so  false-heardted  like  you, 
Mit  a  face  nice  und  bright,  but  a  heart  black  vmd  plue, 
TJnd  all  der  vhile  schworing  you  lofed  mo  so  drue — 
Go  vay,  Becky  Miller,  go  vay ! 

Yy,  vonce  I  fought  you  vas  a  sehtar  vay  up  high ; 
I  liked  you  so  better  as  gogonut  bie ; 
But  oh,  Becky  Miller,  you  hafe  profed  vone  big  lie — 
Go  vay,  Becky  MiUer,  go  vay ! 

You  dook  all  de  bresents  vat  I  did  bresent, 
Yes,  gobbled  up  efery  blamed  thing  vot  I  sent ; 
'    All  dor  vhile  mit  anoder  young  rooster  you  vent — 
Go  vay,  Becky  MiUer,  go  vay  ! 

Yhen  first  I  found  out  you  vas  such  a  big  lie, 
I  didn't  know  vedder  to  schmudder  or  die ; 
Bud  now,  by  der  chiugo,  I  don't  efen  cry — 
Go  vay,  Becky  MUler,  go  vay ! 


THE  FRENCHMAN'S  DILEMMA.  7 

Don'd  dry  make  belief  you  vas  sorry  abond, 
I  don'd  belief  a  dings  vot  coomes  oud  by  your  moud; 
Und  besides  I  don'd  care,  for  you  vas  blayed  oud — 
Go  vay,  Becky  Miller,  go  vay ! 

P.  S.  (pooty  short.) — ^Vell,  he  dold  Becky  to  go  avay 
enough  dimes,  enner  how.  I  dinks  he  vas  an  uckly  fellow. 
Veil,  berhaps  that  serfs  Becky  choost  right  for  daking  bres- 
ents  from  von  fellow,  vhile  she  vas  vinking  her  nose  by 
anoder  vellow. 


THE  FRENCHMAN'S  DILEMMA; 

OB,  NO.  5  COLLECT  STREET. 

ABAPTEO  FOB  BEADING  BY  JOHN  A.  HCNTn,TY. 

The  following  story  is  told  by  a  Frenchman  who  visited  this 
country  some  years  ago.  At  that  time  there  was  a  street  in  the 
lower  part  of  New  York  called  Collect  Street  (now  Canal  Street), 
in  which  was  a  small  hotel  patronized  by  distinguished  foreign- 
ers. The  Frenchman  relates  his  adventures  in  his  own  peculiar 
manner : 

I  haf  just  arrivd  in  New  York  from  ze  steamaire ;  and 
by  ze  recommendah-si-on  of  some  of  mine  friends,  I  haf 
decide  to  stop  at  ze  Collect  Street.  I  go  in  vat  you  call  ze 
ca-ab  to  ze  place,  vich  I  find  vair  nice.  Zey  geeve  me  a 
good  room ;  eet  vas  assez  high  up  ze  stairs  in  ze  garrette — 
but  "  nevaire  mind,"  zey  say,  "  eet  ees  vair  hailzey  and 
for  view  ze  metro-polees."  Eh  bien !  I  haf  receive  mine 
bagage,  and  I  make  mine  toilette.  Zen  I  sink,  vat  sail  I 
do  f  Ah !  I  vill  take  ze  promenade.  Good  1  Trds-Uen  1 
I  deescend  to  ze  ofiecco,  and  request  ze  plaisir  to  be  intro- 
duce to  ze  proprUtaire.  Ze  propridtaire  he  come  toute- 
suite,  and  I  sank  heem  vair  mooch  for  ze  room,  ze  grand 
accommodation  ;  and  every  sing — vat  you  call  ze  feexins — 
in  ze  maison  geeve  me  great  sateesfaction.  I  tell  heem 
zat  I  sink  I  vill  go  to  ze  promenade,  and  see  ze  ceety  by  ze 


8  THE  FKENCHMAN'S  DILEMMA. 

night-light,  if  he  vUl  so  mooch  oblige  as  to  geeve  me  ze 
nombaire  of  ze  maison,  vich  I  shall  not  forget  to  come  back. 
He  tell  me  vair  pohte  zat  ze  hotel  ees  nombaire  five  Col- 
lect Street.  He  vas  vair  pohte,  and  I  make  him  adieu, 
and  proceed  to  ze  street.  I  repeat  to  mineself,  "  Ze  nom- 
baire five  Collect  Street — five  Collect  Street — ^nombaire 
five."    I  sink  I  nevaire  forget  zat  nombau-e. 

I  regarde  partout,  I  look  fi*om  dees  side  to  ze  ozzer  side. 
Oh !  I  admu'e  ze  noveltee  of  zat  street.  Eet  is  admirable. 
Zen  I  look  again.  Ah !  Qu'est-ce  que  dest  que  ga !  Mon- 
sieur Bamoom — Menagerie !  ze  vite  elephant !  ze  ladee 
vis  ze  beard!  Ze —  (Vat  ees  dat?)  Ah!  oui,  ze  hght- 
ening  calcu-to^ewr .'  Jenny  Leend!  Ze  snake  vis  ze  tou- 
sand  stripe  on  hees  boday !  Quel  Bamoom !  Quel  mena- 
gerie! Oh!  gra-ate  contree!  Sooch  a  peecture!  Ze 
leeon,  ze  teegar,  ze  monkee,  ze  cat,  ze  bird,  zey  all  leeve 
togezzer.  Vot  a  countree !  Vat  a —  {Suddenly  thinking.) 
Nombaire  five  Collect  Street — nombaire  five — I  nevaire 
forget  zat  nombaire. 

I  continue  mine  promenade  and  stand  vis-a-vis — ^vat  you 
caU — opposeet  vair  brillant  palais,  viz  ze  inveetation  to 
come  in  by  ze  door.  I  sink  I  go  in — I  entaire,  and  I  pay 
fiYG  francs,  ven  I  be-hold  in  sight  charmant.  Eet  ees  a 
tJieatre.  I  am  vair  content.  Ah !  nombaire — ^vat  vas  ze 
nombaire?  Mais  oui;  nombaire  five  Collect  Street.  I 
nevaire  forget  ze  nombaire !  Presently  ze  rideau — vat  you 
call — ze  curtaine  make  oop,  and  ze  acteur  he  come  on,  and 
he  play  ze  Macca-bess.  Oh !  ze  vondaireful  Macca-bess ! 
I  roosh  to  ze  fi-ont,  and  I  say :  t 

"  Ah !  your  Mossieu'  Shak-es-pier !  He  is  g-r-aa-nd — * 
mysterieuse — soo-blime !  You  'ave  reads  ze  Macabess  ? — ze 
scene  of  ze  Mossieu'  Macabess  vis  ze  Vitch — eh  ?  Superb 
sooblimitee !  Wen  he  say  to  ze  Vitch,  *Ar-r-r-oynt  ze, 
Vitch !'  she  go  away :  but  what  she  sa^  when  she  go  away  ? 
She  say  she  Avill  do  s'omesing  dat  'aves  got  no  na-ame ! 
'Ah,  ha  I'  she  say,  *  I  go,  like  ze  r-r-aa-t  vizout  ze  tail — but, 


THE  FRENCHMAN'S  DILEMMA.  9 

ni  do  !  m  rfo  /  I'll  DO !'  WJuit  she  do  ?  Ah,  ha  l—voila  Ic 
gia-and  myst^rictise  Mossieu'  Shak-es-pier !  She  not  say 
what  she  do !"  Zeu.  I  stop  miuesclf,  I  sink — vat  ees  zat 
nombahe?  I  sink — I  sink — mats  out!  Nombaire  five 
Collect  Street.  I  nevaire  forget  zat  nombaire !  Tres-bien. 
Zen  I  continue : 

"  Mossieu'  Macabess,  he  see  Macaduffs  come,  clos'  by :  he 
say,  '  Come  o-o-n,  Mossieu'  MacaduflFs,  and  sacr-r-r6  bo  he 
■who  first  say  Enoffs  P  Zen  zey  fi-i-ght — moche.  Ah,  ha ! — 
voUa!  Mossieu'  Macabess,  vis  his  br-r-right  r-r-appier, 
'  pink'  him,  vat  you  call,  in  his  body.  He  'ave  gets  mal 
cPestomac :  he  say,  vis  grand  simplicite,  '  Enoflfe !'  What 
far  he  say  '  Enoffs '  ?  'Cause  ho  got  enoffs — pla-anty ;  and 
he  expiTG,  r-r-ight  away,  'mediately,  pretty  queeck !  Ah, 
mes  amis,  Mossieu'  Shak-es-pier  is  rising  man  in  La  BeUe 
France .'" 

Zen  I  sink  again — vat  ees  zat  nombaire?  I'sink  of  nos- 
sing  but  nombaire  Macca-bess,  Shak-es-pier  Street.  No, 
no !  zat  ees  not  eet !  Eet  ees  nombaii-e  Shak-es-pier — 
Diable !  Zat  ees  not  eet !  Oh !  ciel !  Oh,  mine  grace- 
chious  1  Vat  sail  I  do  I  I  forget  ze  nombaire  I  Au  diable 
viz  ze  Macca-bess !  Pourquoi  vy  I  come  in  ze  miserable 
theatre  f  Zen  ze  people  zey  come  at  me^zey  say,  "  Vat 
for  you  make  troubles  in  ze  tMatre  t  Put  ze  crazee  French- 
man out!  Put  heem  out!"  Oui,pardi.'  I  feel  mineself 
crazee.  I  roosh  out  of  ze  theatre  f  Ze  people  zey  poosh, 
zey  pull — zey  keek  me  all  ze  vay  to  ze  trottoir — vat  you 
call — ze  si-de-valk.  Cr-r-retonnerre!  Iloseminefive/rawc*. 
I  lose  mine  cliapeau.  I  lose  mine  nombaire.  I  lose  mine 
courage.  I  not  know  vich  vay  I  sail  go.  I  not  know  nos- 
sing !  I  sail  go  derange.  Zen  I  hear  a  man  say,  "  Ca-ab, 
sair  f  He  say,  "  I  takes  you  any  vere  you  sail  veesh  to  go 
for  five  dollaire."  I  sink  it  vair  funnee,  but  he  take  me  by 
ze  arm  and  put  me  in  ze  cabriolet.  I  sink  now  I  hav  end 
of  ze  troubles.  I  sect  down  and  make  mineself  comfortable. 
Zen  ze  miserable  man  he  ask  me,  "  Vere  I  sail  vish  to  go." 


10  THE  FRENCHMAN'S  DILEMMA. 

I  say,  "  I  vish  to  go  tx)  ze  hotel,  but  I  not  know  ze  nom- 
baire."  Vat  you  zink  he  do?  Ze  coclwn — vat  you  call — ze 
peeg — he  dra-ag  me  out  of  ze  ca-ab — he  shut  ze  door,  and 
he  go  vay  visout  me. 

Vat  sail  I  do  ?  I  go  zees  vay — I  go  zat  vay — I  not  know 
vere  I  sail  go.  Zen  annozer  man  vis  ze  cab — ^he  take  me 
by  ze  arm  and  put  me  in  hees  ca-ab.  I  say  to  heem, ''  I  vish 
to  go  to  ze  hotel — ^but  I  not  know  hees  nombaire."  He  tell 
me  to  go  to — someveres  else.  Eet  vas  not  mine  nombaire 
vat  he  say,  so  I  come  again  out  of  ze  ca-ab.  Ze  man  he 
make  some  feests  in  mine  face,  and  say  somezings  I  not 
coniprend,  and  I  feel  mineself  tres  miserable.  Zen  a 
beeg  man  vis  blue  coat  and  beeg  club  take  me  by  ze 
arm,  and  say,  "  Vat  for  you  make  some  troubles  ?"  I  say 
to  heem,  vair  polite  and  tranquil,  zat  I  haf  forgot  ze  nom- 
baire, zat  I  am  perdu,  and  zat  I  veesh  to  go  to  ze  hotel.  He 
call  me  nuisance  and  crazee,  and  say  he  take  me  to  ze 
Tombs.  I  say  zat  is  not  mine  hotel — ^not  mine  nombaire. 
He  say  I  sail  shut  of  mine  mout,  or  he  will  geeve  me  some 
clubs.  Aftaire  zat  I  make  mineself  vair  qui-et,  and  I  go  viz 
heem  to  a  vair  large  bdtiment  viz  beeg  steps.  He  take  me 
and  he  push  me  into  a  miserable  dirtee  place,  fill  viz  ze 
canaille— oh  I  so  dirty!  une  place  horrible  for  a,  gentle-mskn. 
Vair  soon  ze  beeg  man  take  me  to  ze  juge — vat  you  call — 
justeece,  and  he  say  zati  am  disturbance  in  ze  tfieatreand 
in  ze  street,  and  make  troubles  viz  ze  ca-abs. 

All  ze  time  I  suflfaire  ze  torment  of  ze  diable.  I  feel  I 
soon  expire.  Ze  justeece  hear  ze  story  of  ze  big  man  viz 
ze  club,  and  zen  he  ask  me  vas  ees  mine  name,  and  vere  I 
leeve.  Oh  !  he  was  vair  impoli,  and — vat  you  call  him — 
rou — row — ^roo — Ah!  oui — ruff! 

Ze  occasion,  zat  ees,  ze  opportunite  haf  now  arrive  zat  I 
can  prove  zat  I  am  gentilhomnie,  and  not  ze  blackguard.  I 
say,  ''  Monsieur  le  justice,  I  am  miserable  strangair.  I  haf 
forget  mine  nombaire.  I  know  not  vich  vay  I  leeve.  Ze 
cabman  make  me  vair  mooch  annoyance ;  zey  not  treat  me 


THE  FRENCHMAN'S  DILEMMA.  11 

like  ze  gentleman.  Mai  foi !  vat  sail  I  do?  I  am  innocent 
I  do  nossing  zat  I  sail  be  so  treated.  I  feel  deostract.  Oh  ! 
vy  vas  I  forget  mine  nombaire !" 

Zen  I  sink — I  get  ze  gra-and  id^e.  I  say  to  ze  justeece, 
"  Monsieur — vat  ees  dat,  ven  you  go  to  ze  partie,  and  you 
eat  and  you  drink  vair  mooch ;  and  den  you  go  to  ze  Icetle 
bed,  and  zen  you  haf  vair  bad  pain  in  Vestoniac — vat  you 
call  heem,  eh  ?  vat  name  you  geeve  to  zat  pain  ?" 

Zen  ze  justeece  make  reply  zat  eet  vas  ze  night-e-mare. 
"Non,  non !"  say  I  to  heem,  "  zat  is  not  heem.  Eet  ees 
not  ze  night-e-mare  street  zat  I  veel.  Oh !  vat  sail  I  do  ? 
Cr-r-r6!" 

Ah !  zen  I  sink  I  veel  try  anozer  times,  and  I  say,  "  Mon- 
sieur le  justice,  vat  is  dat,  ven  you  go  to  ze  gr-T-reat  partie, 
and  you  eat  ze  rosbif,  ze  icrivisse,  vat  you  call  him — cra-abs, 
ze  lobstaire,  zQfromage,  and  you  dreenk  ze  vine  of  cham- 
pagne, ze  port,  ze  claret — all  ze  sorts  of  every  sing.  You  go 
to  your  leetle  bed — you  make  sleep.  Zen  zere  come  in  a 
beeg  giant  by  ze  vindow,  and  seet  himself  on  you  on  ze 
poitrinez — at  ees  your  estomac—imd  you  haf  ter-r-rible 
pain.    Vat  you  call  zat,  eh  ?" 

Zen  ze  justeece,  he  say  zat  ees  a  vair  bad  case  of  ze  indi- 
gestion. "  Non,  non !"  say  I,  "  zat  is  not  ze  indigestion 
street  zat  I  veel.  Oh !  Cr-r6  nom !  Vat  ees  eet  more  for 
me  to  do  ?  I  am  crazee  !  Zat  ees  too  vair  mooch  !  Mon- 
sieur le  justice  I  /"  I  cry  once  more  wiz  desperation,  "  vat 
ees  dat,  eef  you  go  to  ze  gr-r-r-and  partie,  and  you  eat  ze 
rosbif,  ze  turkey,  ze  salade  de  lobstaire,  ze  pdtd  de/oiegras, 
ze  consommi,  ze  ice-e-cream,  ze  petit  pois,  ze  maccaroni, 
and  dreenk  ze  vine,  ze  eau-de-vie,  ze  veeskee — every  sing 
zat  you  can  cr-r-r-am  in.  Zen  you  go  to  ze  bed,  and  make 
Bleep,  and  ze  giant  he  come  and  seet  on  your  estomac  on 
ze  one  side,  and  ze  vife  of  ze  giant,  tree,  four  time  as 
beeg,  come  een  and  seet  on  ze  ozzer  side  of  your  estmnac  ; 
and  ze  giant  pull  your  estomac  on  bees  side,  and  ze  vife 
pull  ze  ozzer  side  of  your  estomac,  and  you  get  ze  mal 


12 .  DEK  DEUMMEB. 

cPestomac — ze  hor-r-rible  pain — vat  you  call  heem,  eh  ?" 
Zen  ze  justeece  say  ho  sink  zat  eet  most  be  vair  hke  ze 
colique. 

Oh,  del !  zat  ees  eet !  Vous-ave^  raison !  Oh,  Monsieur 
le  bon  justice !  you  haf  save  me !  I  sail  nevaire  forget  zat 
— nevaire !  Zat  ees  ze  Collect  Street  vat  I  vant !  Oh, 
Monsieur  le  justice,  Je  vous  remercie — tank  you,  sare.  Eef 
ze  cab-a-man  make  me  ze  apologee,  I  sail  take  heem  to  ze 
hotel,  nombaire  five  Collect  Street."  Zen  I  make  ze  grand 
adieu  to  ze  justeece^  and  I  go  viz  ze  cabriolet  to  mine  hotel. 


DER  DRUMMER. 

BT  CHAS.  F.  ADAMS. 

"Wlio  puts  oup  at  der  pest  hotel, 
Unci  dakes  his  oysders  on  der  schell, 
Und  mit  der  frauleins  cuts  a  schweU  t 
Der  drummer. 

"Who  vash  it  gomes  Indo  mine  schtore, 
Drows  down  his  pundles  on  der  vloor, 
Und  nefer  schtops  to  shut  der  door  ? 
Der  drummer. 

"WTio  dakes  me  py  der  handt  und  say: 
"  Hans  Pfeiffer,  how  you  vas  to-day  V 
Und  goes  for  peesness  righdt  avay  ? 
Der  drummer. 

"Who  shpreads  his  zamples  in  a  trice, 
Und  dells  me  "  look,  und  see  how  nice"  ? 
Und  says  I  gets  "  der  bottom  price"  ? 
Der  drummer. 

Who  says  der  tings  vas  eggstra  vine — 
"  Yrom  Sharmany,  ubon  der  Rhine" — 
Und  sheats  me  den  dimes  oudt  of  nine  ¥ 
Der  drummer. 


MTGEL  SNYDER'S  BAKTT.  13 

"Who  dells  how  fiheap  der  goots  vas  bought, 
Mooch  less  as  vot  I  gould  imbort, 
But  lets  dem  go,  as  he  vas  "  short"  t 
Der  drummer. 

Who  varrants  all  der  goots  to  suit 
Der  gustomers  ubon  his  route, 
Und  ven  dey  gomes  dey  vas  no  goot  t 
Der  drummer. 

Who  gomes  arount  ven  I  been  oudt. 
Drinks  oup  mine  bier,  and  eats  mine  kraut, 
TJnt  kiss  Katrina  in  der  mout'  ? 
Der  drummer. 

Who,  ven  he  gomes  again  dis  vay, . 
YiU  hear  vot  Pfeiffer  has  to  say, 
trnd  mit  a  plack  eye  goes  avay? 
Der  drummer. 


MYGEL   SNYDER'S   BARTY. 

AS  BECTTED  BY  OCS  •WTIXIAMS. 

Veil,  of  you'll  only  lisden,  I  vill  told  you  about  dot  bar- 
ty  vot  Mygel  Snyder  gife  last  week  at  his  house.  Yah, 
mine  freunds,  dot  vas  a  high-doned  barty  und  all  de  fust- 
glass  beoples  vas  dere.  Dere  vas  Miss  Krouse,  Misder 
Bumblestein,  Mrs.  Dinglebender  of  Baxter  Street,  Mr. 
Kansmeyer,  Mr.  Gimp,  Misder  und  Mrs.  Lautonslauger 
of  Soudth  Fidth  Afenuo,  und  a  goot  many  oders  whose 
.names  I  don't  forgot.  Miss  Krouse  had  her  hair  done  up 
in  scrambled  eggs,  imd  don  she  vore  a  dress  of  blain  cord- 
ed bed-dick.  Mr.  Bumblestein  had  on  a  new  scgond- 
hand  swallow-head  coat,  und  den  ho  voro  a  vatch-chain 
made  oud  of  do  dail  of  do  cow  vot  kicged  de  lamp  over  in 
Shicago.  Den  der  vas  nice  dances  doo ;  dere  vas  Polkei-s, 
Valtzes,  Les  Lunches,  Squadrilles,  und  Succatoshes.  Und 
den  afdor  de  dancing  ve  blayed  some  games ;  ve  blayed 
Buss  in  Shoes,  Bost  OflQce,  und  Grokenhagcns,  imd  Plind 


14  MYGEL  SNYDER'S  BAETT. 

Man's  Snuff.  Und  den  afder  dot  a  young  man  got  ub  to 
make  a  sbeech,  und  he  gommenced  py  saying, — "  I  am 
hero."  In  aboud  dree  minudes  he  vasn't  dere;  he  vas 
drunk,  und  de  gommiddee  shucked  him  oud  of  de  segond 
sdory  vindow,  und  he  valked  right  off  on  his  ear. 

Veil,  Mrs.  Dinglebender  broughd  her  baby,  de  sweedest 
liddle  baby  vot  you  efer  seen,  mid  a  nose  like  a  chesdnud, 
(veil,  de  baby  can't  help  dot,)  und  id's  head  vas  as  large 
as  a  foot-ball,  (veil,  de  baby  can't  help  dot,)  und  de  baby 
vas  yust  old  enough  to  grawl  around  on  de  garpet,  und 
feed  on  dacks  und  hair-bins.  Veil,  putty  guick  righd 
avay  oud,  dot  baby  fell  in  do  slob-bail  und  got  choging 
mit  a  bod-a-do-sgin. 

Id's  a  nice  ding,  dough,  being  a  farder,  und  exbecially 
gedding  ub  of  a  cold  vinter's  nide,  mit  your  feet  on  de  oil- 
cloth, bouring  oud  baregoric  in  a  deaspoon  mit  der  ther- 
momeder  ninedy-nine  degrees  pelowde  cidy-hall  pymoon- 
lide;  (veil,  de  baby  can't  help  dot;)  id's  a  nice  ding  to 
diuk  dot  a  baby  vas  going  to  grow  ub  und  have  '■'■  mumbs," 
"measles,"  "  golera  infandum,"  "jim-jams,"  und  dings 
hke  dot  to  dake  avay  a  man's  money  vot  he  has  laid  avay 
for  a  new  suit  of  glothes.  Bud  I  fiubboses  dot's  aU  righd, 
dondit? 

Ven  subber  vas  putty  quick  ready,  I  sot  mineself  down 
to  ead  dribe,  und  cakes,  und  onions,  und  bodadoes,  und 
pigs'  feed,  und  Miss  Krouse  she  ead  so  hardy  dot  she  got 
fery  sick,  und  der  doctor  salt  she  had  der  coleric.  Yes, 
Miss  Krouse  got  de  coleric.  She  vas  drying  to  ead  a 
mince-pie  mit  a  doot-prush  in  id,  und  id  didn't  agree  vit  her. 

But  den  dot  subber  dable  vas  loaded  ub  mit  all  de  in- 
dehcacies  of  de  season.  Dere  vas  beanuts  und  red  her- 
rings und  boddles  of  green-zeal  soda-vater;  und  den 
Ooffcy  Gooft  broughd  a  boddle  of  Vooster-sdreet  sauce,  raid 
den  der  vas  a  Christmas  dree  about  dwo  inches  high  sed 
in  a  spiddoon  in  de  middle  of  de  dable  yust  for  noding  put 
omamendations. 


MES.  BEAN'S  COURTSHIP.  15 

Afder  subber  dere  vas  such  nice  singing.  Vono  young 
man  got  ub  und  singed  a  song  vot  vent  like  dis : — "  He  flies 
drough  de  air  mit  his  mout  full  of  cheese,  ho  vas  a  young 
man  vot  chewed  ub  a  drapeze"  — or  someding  Uke  dot 
anyhow ;  den  ve  all  joined  in  de  ghorus.  Den  dey  asged 
mo  to  sing,  und  ven  I  got  ub  to  sing  do  beoble  kepd  so 
sdill  you  could  hear  a  house  fall  down.  I  sung  dot  song 
aboud  Maiy  had  a  leetle  lamp,  ids  vool  all  over  vite — 
mid  ven  I  had  sung  von  verse,  some  fellar  hoUere  loud — 
."  Oh !  give  us  a  resd."  I  dold  him  dot  I  didn't  know  de 
resd  of  id ;  of  I  did  I  vould  give  id  to  him,  und  den  he  dold 
me  to  "drob  of  mineself;"  but  I  dond  understood  Ladin, 
so  I  couldn't  make  oud  vot  he  vas  dalking  aboud,  bud  I 
must  have  sung  nice,  for  vile  I  vas  singing  every  vone  vent 
oud  of  de  room.  Soon  after  dot  I  vent  home,  bud  venever 
I  regomember  dot  vestif  night  I  alvays  say  to  mineself : 

Oh !  vot  lods  of.ftin, 

Oh !  vot  lods  of  fun, 

Dancing,  singing,  all  de  dime. 

Drinking  lager-bier  und  vein ; 

At  dot  bardy  down  at  Mygel  Snyder's. 


MRS.  BEAN'S  COURTSHIP. 

TAMKJJt  DIAJLECT  BECITATIOK. — CIABA  AVaVSIA. 

Did  I  ever  tell  you  how  it  happened  that  I  didn't  Uve  and 
die  an  old  maid  I  No.  Well,  I  thought  so.  If  you'll  just 
keep  quiet,  and  stop  twirling  the  handle  of  your  parasol,  I 
don't  mind  intertaining  you  with  an  account  of  my  airly 
life,  while  I  bind  off  the  heel  of  this  stocking. 

Who  in  creation  is  that  going  into  Brown's  ?  A  woman 
with  a  blue  shawl  on !  'Taint  none  of  the  nabors,  for  there 
haint  a  blue  shawl  in  the  naborhood ;  and  she's  got  an 
amberill  in  her  hand.  'Pears  to  me  Brown's  folks  have  a 
tremeiy uous  sight  of  company.  I  don't  beheve,  just  atween 


16  MRS.  BEAISr'S  COTIRTSHIP. 

you  and  me,  that  they've  had  a  mite  of  pork  in  their  house 
for  months !  Danil  seed  an  empty  pork-barril  a  setting 
afore  their  door  the  first  of  April,  and  there  it's  sot  ever 
sense.  It's  a  mystery  to  me  what  makes  'em  invite  folks 
80  hard  to  visit  'em. 

But  I  was  agwine  to  teU  you  something  about  old  times. 
It's  nigh  on  to  twenty  years  ago  that  father  sold  the  Ben- 
son place,  and  moved  into  the  State  of  Maine.  Maine  is 
one  of  the  powerfulest  regions  that  ever  you  seed !  Famous 
place  for  white-pine  gum,  big  punkins,  and  ship-timber. . 
Beats  the  world,  and  aU  the  starry  spears,  on  them  kind 
of  things.  Great  place  for  folks  to  grow  big  there,  too. 
Fve  seen  a  girl  of  sixteen  that  was  as  much  as  two  inches 
taller  than  Grandfather  Lynitt's  brother  Eben,  without 
stockings ! 

When  father  first  moved  to  Pineville  I  was  just  as  on- 
contented  as  I  could  be ;  but  after  awhile  I  got  acquainted 
with  some  of  the  folks,  and  then  I  felt  as  much  at  home  as 
a  sheep  in  clover. 

There !  there's  that  same  woman  coming  out  of  Brown's 
agin.  She's  got  a  bundle!  A  piece  of  fresh  meat,  I'll 
warrant !  Brown's  folks  killed  a  steer  yesterday.  Strange, 
now,  that  they  do  give  away  things  so !  If  I  was  Miss 
Brown,  and  my  husband  had  to  work  as  hard  as  Brown 
does  for  everything,  I'd  try  and  see  if  I  couldn't  be  a  hltle 
more  equinomical  with  my  pervisions.  It's  singular  that 
some  folks  haint  got  no  more  thought ! 

Less  see — where  did  I  leave  ofi"?  I  declare,  I  feel  so  curis 
about  that  blue  shawl  that  I  can't  keep  the  run  of  what 
I'm  saying ;  and  if  I  haint  dropped  three  stitches  on  the 
heel  of  this  stocking !  Now  that's  too  bad !  I  guess  I 
can  fix  'em  though — I'm  good  at  fixing  knittin'  work. 

Joshua  Bean  was  the  great  beau  at  Pineville.  He  beat 
all  the  rest  of  the  fellers  holler.  All  the  girls  in  the  place 
were  sot  together  to  captivate  him,  and  if  he  happened  to 
turn  his  eyes  in  the  direction  of  one  of  'em,  all  the  others 


MRS.   bean's  COtTRTSHTP.  17 

was  madder  than  hatters !  It  did  seem  as  if  Sally  Price 
and  Betsy  Walker  would  break  their  necks  to  see  which 
should  get  him !  They  would  have  gone  through  fire  and 
water,  if  he  had  asked  'em  to,  and  never  got  scorched  nor 
drowned. 

Every  girl  that  I  was  acquainted  with  kept  up  an  everlast- 
ing talking  about  Joshua  Bean,  and  as  I'd  never  seen  him 
I  concluded  he  must  be  more  of  a  sight  than  the  elephant. 
One  evening  Sally  Price  had  a  party,  and  then,  for  the 
firet  time,  I  seed  Joshua  Bean.  He  was  a  tall,  Ught-haired 
feller,  with  eyes  that  looked  as  if  they  wouldn't  wash  and 
bile  well,  and  the  pertest  tumed-up  nose  that  ever  came 
out  of  the  ark ! 

I  was  introduced  to  him,  and  we  played  Copenhagen, 
and  Button,  and  Hunt  the  Slipper,  together ;  and  I  kissed 
him  through  the  back  of  a  cheer,  and  he  kissed  me  over  the 
top  of  the  looking-glass. 

After  the  performance  was  all  through  with,  he  asked  if 
he  might  escort  me  home ;  and  I  let  him.  I  made  believe 
I  didn't  want  him  to  go ;  but  then,  you  see,  I  was  just  as 
willing  as  could  be,  and  terrible  'feared  he'd  take  me  as  I 
sed,  and  not  as  I  meant.  Forchunitly,  he  was  acquainted 
with  the  girls,  and  understood  their  folderols ;  so  he  didn't 
pay  no  attention  at  all  to  what  I  sed,  but  just  grabbed  my 
arm  and  marched  off  with  me. 

Wasn't  all  of  the  rest  of  the  girls  provoked  t  Didn't  they 
turn  up  their  noses  at  me?  Didn't  they  call  Joshua  a 
half-baked,  sneaking  sky-scraper  ?  Didn't  they,  now  ?  I 
rather  guess  they  did. 

The  next  Sunday  about  four  o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  an 
homr  after  we'd  got  home  from  meeting,  mother  looked  out 
of  the  window,  down  the  road,  and  sez  she : 

"  Lawful  heart !  If  there  haiut  Joshua  Bean  a-coming 
up  the  street." 

When  I  heerd  what  she  said  I  blushed  like  a  piny ;  and 
Sam  and  Danil  they  just  whistled. 


18  MKS.  bean's  COUKTSHIP. 

"  I  wonder,"  sez  marm,  ''  what  his  bizness  can  be  ?  He 
hamt  got  no  tin  pail  nor  nothing  that  I  can  see.  He  can't 
be  coming  to  bony  meal,  and  we've  paid  his  father  for 
that  quarter  of  veal,  and  I've  carried  home  his  mother's 
hand  reel." 

"  Guess  it's  more'n  as  likely  as  not,"  sez  pa,  "  that  he's 
coming  to  see  our  Dorothy.  I  seed  him  give  her  a  pond- 
lUy  to  meeting  this  morning ;  and  I  declare  she's  got  it  in 
her  hair  now." 

"  Humph,"  sez  marm ;  "  you  did,  indeed !  Well,  then  I 
guess  we'U  scramble  out  of  the  room  as  fast  as  ever  we 
can,  and  leave  the  young  folks  to  theirselves.  Come,  Sam 
and  Dan." 

And  off  they  went.  In  about  a  minit  I  heard  Joshua 
knock  at  the  door.  My  heart  went  pitty-patty,  but  I  ariz 
and  opened  the  door.  Joshua  was  there,  looking  skeered 
nigh  about  to  death. 

"  How  de  do  ?"  sez  he. 

"  How  de  do  ?"  sez  I ;  "  won't  you  come  inf* 

"  I  dunno,"  sez  he. 

"You'd  better,"  sez  I. 

"  Where's  your  par  ?"  sez  he. 

"  He's  to  home,"  sez  I ;  "do  you  want  to  see  him  ?" 

"No,  I  dunno  as  I  do,"  sez  he;  " it's  kinder  warm  to- 
day, haint  it  ?"  and  he  wiped  his  face  with  his  red  bandith' 
handkercher. 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  'tis  warm ;  you'd  better  come  in." 

"  I  don't  keer  if  I  do,"  sez  he,  and  in  he  came,  and  took 
a  cheer  on  the  settle.  I  sat  down  on  a  stool  a  httle  ways 
off. 

"Kinder  cool  for  the  season,  haint  it?"  sez  he,  buttoning 
up  his  coat. 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  though  I  perspired  like  a  washerwoman. 

Then  there  was  an  orfullong  spell  of  nothing's  being  sed. 
I  pleated  up  a  newspaper  and  fanned  myself;  Joshua 
pared  his  finger-nails  and  tied  his  handkerchief  up  in  knots. 


MES.  BEAU'S  COUETSHIP.  19" 

Finally  Joshua  kinder  sidled  up  toward  me,  and  arter 
he'd  looked  at  me  a  spell  sideways,  sez  he : 

"Dorothy,  sugar  is  almost  as  sweet  as  anything  else, 
now  isn't  it?" 

"  Yes,  'tis,"  sez  I,  "  unless  sap  molasses  is  sweeter." 

"  Don't  you  think  honey  is  sweeter  than  any  one  of  'em  ?" 
sez  he. 

"  Yes,  I  do,^"  sez  I. 

"  Well,  Dorothy,"  sez  he,  "  you  beat  all  three  of  'em." 

Then  there  was  another  spell  of  saying  nothing.  I  felt 
80  fluctuated  that  I  couldn't  think  of  nothing  to  say,  and 
Joshua  was  run  out  of  subjects.  At  last  a  new  idea  struck 
him.    Sez  he : 

"  Dorothy,  where  do  you  s'pose  I  got  this  weskit?" 

"  I  dunno,"  sez  I. 

"  Guess,"  sez  he. 

"  Down  to  Burnham's  store,"  sez  L 

"  No,"  sez  he. 

"  To  Nelson's,  then  ?" 

"  No,  sir  I" 

"  Then  your  mother  wove  it  for  you  I" 

"  Not  by  a  good  deal  1  It  was  made  out  of  Aunt  Peggy's 
old  red  gownd." 

Then  it  seemed  as  if  he  never  would  think  of  anything 
more  to  say,  till  bymeby  sez  he : 

"  Dorothy,  how  many  chickens  has  your  folks  got  ?" 

"  Only  twenty-three,"  sez  I ;  but  we  had  as  much  as  fifty. 

"  Well,  I  declare  !  what  has  become  of  'em  I" 

"  The  hawks  ketched  some,  and  some  died  a-shedding 
their  feathers." 

"  That's  bad,"  sez  he. 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  that's  so." 

Then  we  sot  still  another  spell,  and  then  mother  she 
came  in.  Joshua  blushed,  and  I  must  have  tinned  the 
colors  of  the  rainbow. 

''Mr.  Bean,"  sez  she,  "  did  you  cornea-courting  to-day  t 


20  SNYDER'S  NOSE. 

If  SO,  why  don't  you  say  what  you're  got  to  say  ?  K  you 
want  Dorothy,  I  am  wiUing ;  she's  got  the  warp  and  fiUin' 
for  a  coverhd,  and  a  bran  new  feather-bed." 

''  Old  lady,"  soz  he,  a  kmder  startm'  up,  "you're  a  whole 
team  /" 

Then  mother  went  out,  and  Joshua  he  dropped  rite  down 
on  his  knees,  and  sez  he,  with  a  great  deal  of  emotion : 

"  Dorothy,  your  mother  has  give  me  liberty.  She  broke 
the  ice.    Will  you  bo  my  pardner  ?" 

''Joshua,"  sez  I,  ''I'm jest  as  wiUin'  as  I  can  be,"  and 
in  a  minute  more  I  was  grabbed  up  close  to  the  red  weskit. 

Well,  he  made  me  a  dreadful  charmin'  husband ;  but  I 
do  beheve  if  it  hadn't  been  for  mother  he  wouldn't  have 
popped  the  question  to  this  day. 


SNYDER'S  NOSE. 

BY  "  OUB  FAT  CONTBIBUTOB.  " 

Snyder  kept  a  beer-saloon  some  years  ago  "over  the 
Ehine."  Snyderwas  a  ponderous  Teuton  of  very  irascible 
temper  — "  sudden  and  quick  in  quarrel" — get  mad  in  a 
minute.  Nevertheless  his  saloon  was  a  great  resort  for ' '  the 
boys" — partly  because  of  the  excellence  of  his  beer  and 
partly  because  they  liked  to  chafe  "old  Snyder,"  as  they 
called  him;  for,  although  his  bark  was  terrific,  experience 
had  taught  them  that  he  wouldn't  bite. 

One  day  Snyder  was  missing;  and  it  was  explained  by 
his  "frau,"  who  "jerked"  the  beer  that  day,  that  he  had 
"gone  out  fishing  mit  der  poys."  The  next  day  one  of  the 
boys,  who  was  particularly  fond  of  "roasting"  old  Snyder, 
di'opped  in  to  get  a  glass  of  beer,  and  discovered  Snyder's 
nose,  which  was  a  big  one  at  any  time,  swollen  and  blistered 
by  the  sun,  until  it  looked  like  a  dead-ripe  tomato. 

"Why,  Snyder,  what's  the  matter  with  your  nose?"  said 
the  caller. 


SNYDER'S  NOSE.  2] 

"I  peen  out  fishing  mit  der  poys, "  replied  Snyder,  lay- 
ing his  finger  tenderly  agamst  his  proboscis;  ''the  sun  it 
pese  hot  lilie  ash  never  vas,  und  I  pums  my  nose.  Nice 
nose,  don't  it  ?  "  And  Snyder  viewed  it  with  a  look  of  comi- 
cal sadness  in  the  little  mirror  back  of  his  bar.  It  entered 
at  once  into  the  head  of  the  mischievous  fellow  in  front  of 
the  bar  to  play  a  joke  upon  Snyder;  so  he  went  out  and 
collected  half  a  dozen  of  his  conu-ades,  with  whom  he 
arranged  that  they  should  drop  in  at  the  saloon  one  after 
another,  and  ask  Snyder,  "What's  the  matter  with  that 
nose?"  to  see  how  long  he  would  stand  it.  The  man  who 
put  up  the  job  went  in  first  with  a  companion,  and  seatnig 
themselves  at  a  table  called  for  beer.  Snyder  brought  it 
to  them,  and  the  new-comer  exclaimed  as  ho  saw  him, 
"Snyder,  what's  the  matter  with  your  nose?" 

"I  yust  dell  your  friend  here  I  peen  out  fishin'  mit  der 
poys,  unt  do  sim  pmut  'em — zwei  lager — den  cents — all 
right. " 

Another  boy  rushes  in.  "  Halloo,  boys,  you're  ahead  of 
me  this  time;  s'pose  I'm  in,  though.  Ilcre,  Snyder,  bring 
me  a  glass  of  lager  and  a  pret" — (appears  to  catch  a  sud- 
den glimpse  of  Snyder's  nose,  looks  wonderingly  a  moment 
and  then  bursts  out  laughing)— "ha!  ha!  ha!  Why, 
Snyder — ^ha! — ha! — ^what's  the  matter  with  that  nose?" 

Snyder,  of  course,  can't  see  any  fun  in  having  a  burnt 
nose  or  having  it  laughed  at;  and  ho  says,  in  a  tone  sternly 
emphatic : 

"I  peen  out  fishin'  mit  der  poys,  unt  de  sun  it  yust  ash 
hot  ash  blazes,  unt  I  pumt  my  nose;  dat  ish  all  right." 

Another  tormentor  comes  in,  and  insists  on  "setting  'em 
up"  for  the  whole  house.     "Snyder,"  says  he,  "fill up  the 

boys'  glasses,  and  take  a  drink  yourse ^ho!  ho!  ho! 

ho!  ha!  ha!  ha!  Snyder,  wha — ha!  ha! — what's  the 
matter  with  that  nose?" 

Snyder's  brow  darkens  with  wrath  by  this  time,  and  his 
voice  grows  deeper  and  sterner: 


22  D-Tm'  VORDS  OF  ISAAC. 

"I  peen  out  fishin'  mit  der  poys  on  the  Leedle  Miami. 
De  sun  pese  hot  like  ash — vel,  I  bum  my  pugle.  Now  that 
is  more  vot  I  don't  got  to  say.  Yot  giad  o'  peseness?  Dat 
ish  all  right  ;  I  pum  my  own  nose,  don't  it?" 

"Bum  your  nose — bum  aU  the  hair  off  your  head,  for 
what  I  care;  you  needn't  get  mad  about  it." 

It  was  evident  that  Snyder  wouldn't  stand  more  than  one 
more  tweak  at  that  nose,  for  he  was  tramping  about  be- 
hind his  bar,  and  growling  like  an  exasperated  old  bear  in 
his  cage.  Another  one  of  his  tormentors  walks  in.  Some 
one  sings  out  to  him,  "Have  a  glass  of  beer,  Billy?" 

"  Don't  care  about  any  beer, "  says  Billy,  "  but,  Snyder, 
you  may  give  me  one  of  your  best  ciga —  Ha-a-a!  ha!  ha! 
ha !  ho  !  ho  !  ho !  he !  he  !  he !  ah-h-h-ha  !  ha !  ha  ha ! 
"Why — why — Snyder  — who — who — ^ha-ha !  ha !  what's  the 
matter  with  that  nose?" 

Snyder  was  absolutely  fearful  to  behold  by  this  time ;  his 
face  was  purple  with  rage,  all  except  his  nose,  which  glowed 
hke  a  baU  of  fire.  Leaning  his  ponderous  figure  far  over 
the  bar,  and  raising  his  arm  aloft  to  emphasize  his  words 
with  it,  he  fairly  roared : 

"  I  peen  out  flshin'  mit  ter  poys.  The  sun  it  peso  hot  like 
ash  never  was.  I  pum  my  nose.  Now  you  no  like  dose 
nose,  you  yust  take  dose  nose  imt  wr-wr-wr- wring  yom* 
mean  American  finger  mit  'em.  That's  the  kind  of  man 
vot  I  am !"    And  Snyder  was  right. 


DYIN'  YORDS  OF  ISAAC. 

A  DUTCH  DIALECT  BEADING. 

Vhen  Shicago  vas  a  leedle  villages,  dhere  Itfed  dherein, 
py  dot  Clark  Sdhreet  out,  a  shentlemans  who  got  some 
names  like  Isaacs ;  he  geeb  a  doting  store,  mit  goots  dot 
vit  you  yoost  der  same  like  dey  vas  made.  Isaacs  vas  a 
goot  fellers,  und  makes  goot  pishness  on  his  hause.    Veil, 


FRITZ  UKD  I.  23 

thrado  got  besser  as  der  time  he  vas  come,  mid  dose  leetle 
shtoro  vas  not  so  pig  cnulf  like  anudder  shtore,  mid  pooty 
gwick  he  locks  out  imd  leaves  der  pblace. 

Now  Yacob  Schlofifenheimer  vas  a  shmard  feller,  mid  he 
diDks  of  he  dook  der  olt  shtore  he  got  good  pishness  mid 
dose  olt  coostomers  von  Isaac  out.  Von  tay  dhere  comes 
a  shentlemans  on  his  store,  und  Yacob  quick  say  of  der 
mans,  '*  How  you  vas,  meiii  freund ;  you  like  to  look  of 
mine  goots,  aind  it  I"  "Nein,"  der  mans  say.  "Veil, 
mein  freund,  it  makes  me  netting  troubles  to  show  dot 
goots."  "  Nein ;  I  dond  vood  buy  sometings  to  tay." 
"  Yoost  come  mit  me  vonce,  mein  freund,  und  I  show  you 
sometings,  imd,  so  hellub  me  gracious,  I  dond  ask  you  to 
buy  dot  goots."  "  VeU,  I  told  you  vat  it  vas,  I  dond  vood 
look  at  some  tings  yoost  now ;  I  keebs  a  Uvery  shtable, 
und  I  Ukes  to  see  mein  old  freund.  Mister  Isaacs,  vmd  I 
came  von  Kaintucky  out  to  see  him  vonce."  "Mister 
Isaacs  ?  Veil,  dot  is  pad ;  I  vas  sorry  von  dot.  I  deUs 
you,  mein  freund.  Mister  Isaacs  he  vas  died.  He  vas  mein 
brudder,  imd  he  vas  not  mit  us  eny  more.  Yoost  vhen  he 
vas  on  his  deat-ped,  und  vas  dyin',  he  says  of  me, '  Yacob, 
(dot  ish  mein  names,)  und  I  goes  me  ofer  mit  his  petside, 
und  he  poods  his  hands  of  mine,  und  he  says  of  me, 
'  Yacob,  ofer  a  man  he  shall  come  von  Kaintucky  out,  mit 
ret  hair,  und  mit  plue  eyes,  Yacob,  sell  him  dings  cheab/ 
und  he  lay  ofer  und  died  his  last." 


FRITZ  UND  I. 

BT  CHABLSS  F.  ADAMS — FBOM  BCRIBNEB'S  KONTHLX. 

Mynhoer,  bloase  helb  a  boor  oldt  man, 

Vot  gomes  vrom  Sharmany, 
Mit  Fritz,  mine  tog  nnd  only  firemid, 

To  geep  me  gompany. 

I  haf  no  gelt  to  puy  mine  pread, 
JHo  blace  to  lay  me  down, 


24        THE  fkenchman's  eevenge. 

For  ve  vas  yanderers,  Fritz  und  I, 
TJnd  strangers  in  der  town. 

Some  beoples  gife  us  dings  to  eadt, 
TJnd  some  dey  kicks  us  oudt, 

Und  say:  "  You  ton't  got  peesnis  here 
To  sdroll  der  schtreets  aboudt !" 

Vot's  dat  you  say !    Tou  puy  mine  tog 

To  gife  me  pread  to  eadt  ? 
I  vas  so  boor  as  nefer  vas, 

Bat  I  vas  no  "tead  peat ! " 

Vot !  sell  mtae  tog,  mine  leetle  tog. 

Dot  voUows  me  aboudt, 
TJnd  vags  his  daU  Mke  anydings 

Yene'er  I  dakes  him  oudt  ? 

Schust  look  at  him,  und  see  him  schump! 

He  likes  me  pooty  veil ; 
Und  dere  vas  somedings  "bout  dat  tog, 

Mynheer,  I  vouldn't  sell. 

"  Der  collar  V    ]Sr eiu,  'tvas  someding  else 
Vrom  vich  I  gould  not  bart ; 

Und  if  dot  ding  vas  dook  avay 
I  dinks  it  prakes  mine  heart. 

"Vot  vas  it,  den,  aboudt  dat  tog," 
Tou  ashk,  "  dat's  not  vor  sale  f ' 

I  dells  you  vat  it  ish,  mine  freund, 
Tish  der  vag  off  dat  tog's  dail ! 


THE  FRENCHMAN'S  REVENGE. 

A  FEENCH  DIALECT  BECITATIOlf. 

Monsieur  Chabot  was  a  Frenchman  of  high  connections 
— a  grand  nephew,  or  fourth  cousin,  or  something,  of  the 
great  French  house  of  Rohan-Chabot,  which,  as  "  cousins 
of  the  king,"  outranks  dukes  and  princes ;  and  what  was 


THE  FRENCHMAN'S  REVENGE.  25 

as  comfortable,  M.  Chabot  was  very  rich.  He  came,  an 
old  man,  about  twenty  years  ago,  to  New  York  on  jl  visit, 
and  was  much  caressed.  There  was  a  rumor  that  the 
Count,  as  they  called  him,  had  lost  his  all,  once,  on  a  sea- 
voyage,  and  then  somehow  turned  the  loss  into  a  fortune. 
The  night  before  he  left  for  France,  at  a  dinner-party  given 
in  his  honor,  some  bold  fellow,  his  head  filled  with  wine, 
bluntly  asked  him  about  it.  We  were  horror-struck ;  but 
the  Count  took  it  pleasantly,  and  gave  us  the  story.  Here 
it  is: 

"Yaes,  zat  ees  so.  I  loss  ver'  moche  money  on  zo 
ocean,  mais  I  peek  up  more,  an'  I  'ave  mai  gr-r-rand 
revanche.  You  see,  ve  vere  at  var  wiz  ze  Anglish  at  ze 
taom,  an'  ze  Anglish  vere  at  var  wiz  ze  Americain.  Zen  ze 
mastaire  of  a  sheep  in  Havre  say  to  me :  '  Monsieur  Cha- 
bot, 'ave  you  money?'  I  say,  'Ah!  oui!  a  leetle.'  He 
say,  '  Viz  money  you  make  grand  fortune.  Ze  Anglish 
'ave  blockade'  ze  cawst  of  Amerique.  Ze  brandee  in  Amer- 
Ique  is  scarce  an'  'igh.  Zo  Americain  gentleman  suffer 
terrible !  Ze  man  who  reheve  him  ees  an  angel,  an'  make 
money.  I  paint  my  sheep  gray.  She  sail  like  ze  win' ! 
You  fill  her  up  wiz  brandee.  I  take  her  to  Amerique.  I 
slip  past  ze  cruisers  at  night — ve  seU  ze  cargo  at  'igh 
price.  You  pay  me  good  freight,  you  make  ze  gi-and  for- 
tune.' I  listen,  I  zink.  I  say,  '  Zat  ees  good.'  I  take  ze 
ship.  I  fill  her  viz  Cognac,  an'  I  go  long  myself  to  manage 
ze  trade. 

"  We  'ave  queeck  voyage ;  but  ven  ve  vere  vizeen  sight  of 
Ian'  ze  man  aloft  he  say,  '  A  sheep  ahead !  she  'ave  red 
flag.'  I  say,  '  Didble !  Jean  Bool !'  Ve  run — she  run,  too. 
Veil,  to — h'm!  h'm!  h'm!  eet  ees  funny!  I  spik  ze 
Anglish  like  nateef.  Ze  accent  is  pairfect,  as  you  see, 
mais  I  forget  at  time  ze  vocable — ze  more  simple  vord. 
Ha !  ha !  ha !  I  'ave  eem  by  ze  tail  now !  to  cut — zat  is  eet 
— to  cut  ze  long  story  short,  ze  sheep  gobble  us  up.  Zo 
Anglish  capitaine  put  oflScaire  and  saileur  on  board  our 


26  THE  FKENCHMAH'S  EEVENGE. 

sheep ;  but  he  take  one  cask  of  brandee,  and  he  take  me  on 
board  ze  frigate.  For  he  'ear  who  I  vas,  an'  he  say,  '  M. 
de  Chabot,  I  'ave  ze  plaisir  of  to  know  ze  'ead  of  your 
'ouse — ze  Due — ^he  is  exile  in  Londres.  I  am/  he  say,  '  of 
French  descent  meself,  mai  name  is  Dacres ;  zis  sheep,  La 
Guerri5re,  vas  French ;  zerefore  you  are  at  'ome.  I  will 
consider  you  non-combatant,  make  arrangement  viz  ze  of- 
ficaires  for  mess — I  vill  send  you  home  on  ze  first  shance. 
Your  little  ventm'e  vas  misfortime.  Vot  vould  you  'ave  ? 
Breetannia,  she  rule  ze  vave !  Vait  till  we  meet  Yankee 
frigate — you  s'all  see.'  I  zank  him  ver'  moche — he  vos  so 
polite — mais  I  say  to  maiself,  '  Zat  ees  ver'  fine,  Breetan- 
nia she  rule  ze  vave — she  steal  mai  brandee ;  but  I  veel 
'ave  mai  revanche.' 

"  Ze  nex'  day  ze  capitaine  invite  me  to  dinner.  I  go. 
Ver'  fine  dinner,  and  ze  vine  vas  fine  too.  Zen  ze  capitaine 
says,  *  Gentlemen,  I  'ave  some  ver'  fine  brandee,  vich  a 
frien'  'ave  contribute  for  ze  occasion.'  He  ask  me,  '  Ah, 
Monsieur  Chabot,  vot  you  zink  of  eem  V  Zen  I  pour  out 
ze  brandee.  I  look  at  him.  I  smell  him.  I  taste  him. 
By  gar !  now  vat  you  t'ink  dat  Shonny  BuU  capitaine  he 
do  to  me  ?  Sacre  !  he  treat  me  viz  my  own  lickare.  Zen 
I  turn  to  ze  capitaine,  I  bow,  I  smile,  I — I  say,  '  He  is  ole 
frien' — I  'ave  know  him  before.'  Ze  capitaine  he  smile — I 
smile ;  mais  I  say  to  myself,  '  Ze  robbaire  'ave  take  mai 
brandee,  mais  I  viU  'ave  mai  revanche.' 

"  Zen  a  meedsheepmau  he  come  down  an'  say, '  A  Yankee 
frigate  in  ze  distance.'  Ze  capitakie  say,  '  Clap  on  sail, 
an'  overhaul  her.'  Ze  leetle  meedsheepmau  say  she  come 
herself.  *  So  moche  ze  bettair,'  say  ze  capitaine.  '  Mon- 
sieur de  Chabot,  eef  you  come  on  ze  deck,  you  s'all  ze  'ow 
ve  veep  ze  Yankee,  for  Breetannia  rule  ze  vave !'  I  bow 
again,  I  go  on  deck,  bote  I  say  to  maiself, '  Breetannia  'ave 
take  mai  brandee,  bote  I  veel  'ave  my  revanche.' 

"  Zen  zere  vas  shootcd  off  ze  broadside — tonerre !  boom ! 
bote  ze  Yankee  he  say  nozzing.    He  saU  up  and  down, 


THE  frenchman's  REVENGE.  27 

bote  he  fire  no  gun.  I  say,  '  Vot  poltroon  is  zis?'  Capi- 
taiue  Dacres  be  say,  '  Fire  'igb — crippl'  eem  !  do  not  let 
eem  run  avay !'  Ze  Yankee  sail  up  an'  down,  bote  he  fire 
no  gun.  I  say,  '  Capitaine  Dacres,  ze  Yankee  is  coward.* 
'Ah,  Monsieur  de  Chabot,'  dit  M.  le  Capitaine,  'eet  ees 
not  his  fault.  Eet  ees  fatalite.  Breetaunia  she  rule  ze 
vave.'  I  bow — I  smile ;  mais  I  say  to  maiself, '  Breetannia 
she  robe  mo  of  mai  brandee,  an'  I  veel  yet  'ave  revanche.'' 
"  I  have  no  soonaire  say  zat  in  mai  own  mind,  zan  ze 
whole  side  of  ze  Yankee  frigate  open  in  smoke  an'  flame 
— pumra — boom !  an'  ze  cannon-ball  come  like  ze  hail- 
storm, an'  I  say,  *  Ze  climate  is  too  varm  'ere.  I  'ave  busi- 
ness down-stairs,'  an'  zen  I  hke  to  broke  my  neck  ovaire 
a  man  on  ze  stairs.  I  say,  '  Vat  ees  zis  V  He  say,  '  I 
am  ze  pursaire.'  I  say,  '  Vy  are  not  you  on  deck  viz  ze 
ozzairs  V  He  say,  '  I  am  only  civil  oflBcaire.  I  take  care 
of  ze  money  of  ze  sheep.'  An'  viz  zat  he  shake.  I  'elp  eem 
up.  He  seem  seek.  I  pity  eem  ver'  moche.  He  'ave  a 
great  liunp  in  ees  pocket,  an'  I  so  fear  he  loss  it,  I  put  eet 
in  mine.  An'  all  ze  vile  zat  dam  Yankee,  he  kep'  up  ze 
noise  of  ze  gun,  an'  zey  fire  on  ze  deck,  mais  zey  all  stop. 
I  listen,  'ear  no  noise — I  go  on  ze  deck.  Horrible  !  ze  deck 
was  covaire  wiz  dead  an'  wounded.  'Ere  vas  a  man  vizout 
arm  ;  zere  one  vizout  leg ;  'ere  one  vizout  head ;  zere  von 
vizout  nozzing.  Ze  boson  he  say  to  me,  '  Ve  are  struck, 
sir !  Ve  are  sink !  Get  vat  you  can  from  below,  queek — 
we  go  on  ze  Yankee  frigate.'  I  run  down-stairs — I  try  to 
rouze  ze  pursaire.  He  vas  in  heep.  I  stop  a  minute  to 
look  at  ze  bundle  I  'ave  took  from  his  pocket.  It  was 
label,  *  In  his  Britannique  majesty's  service — frigate  Guer- 
ri6ro.'  I  open  eem  a  little.  It  vas  hillcts  de  banque — notes 
on  ze  Bank  of  England  for  two  hundred  t'ousan'  pound ! 
five  million  franc  1  I  say  to  maiself,  '  Ow  lucky  zis  falls  in 
ze  ban's  of  an  honest  man.  Breetannia  she  rule  ze  vave, 
she  steal  mai  brandee,  niais  she  pay  for  it,  an'  I  'ave  mai 
revancJwJ 


28  BETSEY  mro  i  hai-e  bust  tjb. 

"  Veil,  ve  vent  on  board  ze  Constitution,  M.  le  Capitaine 
Hull.  Capitaine  Hull  vas  ver'  polite  gentlecaan,  indeed. 
Capitaine  Dacres  he  offer  ze  sword.  Capitaine  Hull  he 
say,  '  Excuse  me,  sair,  I  'ave  not  ze  heart  to  deprive  so 
brave  an  officaire  of  his  sword.  You  keep  him,  eef  you 
please.'  An'  he  bow,  and  M.  le  Capitaine  Dacres  he  bow. 
Oh,  zey  vas  so  ver'  pohte.  Ze  nex'  day  Capitaine  Hull  he 
give  diner  to  ze  Anglish  oflQcaire,  an'  I  vas  invite.  I  go. 
It  vos  ver*  fine  diner.  Ven  ze  vine  voz  on  ze  table,  ze 
Yankee  Capitaine  propose  a  toast — '  To  ze  brave  man  who 
defend  hees  flag  till  defense  ees  no  longer  possible !'  An' 
zey  all  drink ;  an'  ze  American  ofllcaire  moche  applaud. 
Zen  Capitaine  Dacres  he  propose  a  toast — '  To  ze  brave  man 
who  is  generous  in  success  as  he  ees  strong  in  fight.'  An' 
zey  all  drink,  an'  ze  Anghsh  officaire  ver'  mooche  applaud. 
Zen  Capitaine  Hull  say,  '  Vill  M.  de  Chabot  favor  us  viz 
toast  V  an'  I  rise  an'  raise  mai  glass  wiz  ze  politeness  of 
gentleman  an'  Frenchman,  an'  I  say,  '  Breetannia  rule  ze 
vave!'  An'  I  look  aroun'.  Sacre!  neizer  ze  Americain 
nor  ze  Anglish  officaire  applaud.  Capitaine  Dacres  he  look 
black,  Capitaine  Hull  he  look  into  his  vine-glass.  Mais ! 
it  waz  no  matter.  Ze  vine  vent  down  mai  throat,  az  zo 
pursaire  'ave  gone  down  in  ze  Guerridre.  Breetannia 
'ave  pay  me  for  ze  brandee  she  stole,  an'  I  'ave  mai  grand 
revancJieJ' 

BETSEY  UND  I  HAFE  BUST  UB. 

PABODY  ON  "  BETSET  AND  I  ABE  OUT" — AS  BECITED  BY  J,  8.  BUBDETT. 

Draw  oud  der  bapers,  lawyer, 

Und  magke  dhem  awful  blain, 
So  dot  ve  don'd  kin  have  to  speU  dot  out, 

Und  wride  dot  offer  again. 
TJnd  shling  dot  ing  oud  awful  dhick, 

TJnd  fill  der  baper  nb ; 
'Cause  dhings  at  home  vas  inside  owat, 

,  TJnd  Betsey  und  I  hafe  bust  ub. 
Yat's  der  matter,  dot's  vot  I  don'd  kin  dell. 


BETSEY  mro  I  HAPE  BUST  XJB.  29 

Efer  since  dot  ve  vas  only  vone 
Ve  got  'long  puddy  veil. 

I  gifo  her  eferydhing  dot  she  vants, 
Und  I  dry  to  do  vat's  righdt; 

But  of  I  vant  to  life  mit  dot  olt 
Voman,  I  hafe  got  to  learn  how  to  fight. 

So  I  hafe  chined  mit  Betsey, 
Und  Betsey  hafe  chined  mit  me  : 

Und  ve  hafe  bode  made  ub  our  minds 
Dot  vo  kin  neffer  agree. 

She  says  dot  I  better  imigrade. 
Veil,  I  dhink  myselve  dot's  besd; 

So  I  back  ub  my  Saratoga 
Und  go  mit  der  Mormons  oud  vest. 

Der  first  dhing  I  remember  aboud 
Dot  ve  had  a  shtew, 

'Twas,  she  vanted  to  go  to  a  bicnic, 
Unt  I  didn't  vant  her  to. 

Id  vas  vone  ofi"  dhose  brewery  bicnics, 
Vhere  I  myselve  had  been  pefore, 

Und  vhere  eferybody  got  so  organized 
Dot  dhey  couldn't  god  drunk  any  more. 

Und  der  nexd  dhing  I  remember  aboud 
'Twas  ven  she  proke  my  lager  stein 

Dot  I  had  mit  me  for  many  years, 
Und  brought  firom  Oberlein  Stein. 

I  dolt  Betsey  dot  she  vas  clumsy. 
Dot  she  did  nod  do  vat  vas  righdt. 

So  help  me  gracious,  lawyer,  she  bead  me 
Mit  dot  glub  till  I  vas  as  plack  as  plue  as  vhite ! 

So  draw  oud  der  pabers,  lawyer, 
Und  magke  dhem  big  und  tall, 

Dot  oud  of  eferydhing  dot  I  hafe  got 
She  can'd  hafe  any  ad  all. 

For  I  hafe  vorked  for  id  hard  myselve 
For  mony  und  mony  a  year, 

Und  efery  cent  dat  olt  voman  can  freeze  to 
She  gone  shpend  for  lager  bier. 

Bud  dhere  vas  dwo  or  dhree  fife  cend  pieces 
Dot  I  managed  to  pud  avay. 


30  SCHNEIDEB  SEES  LEAH. 

Dot  vas  down  in  der  Union  Drusd  Co., 
Bnt  I  don'd  pelieve  dot'll  bay. 

Pud  on  der  bapers,  lawyer, 
Dot  ond  of  dhose  fife  or  dhree, 

Eff  she  kin  got  dhem  I  gif  her  half— 
Dere  aia'd  noden  mean  aboud  me. 

Und  vonce  ven  I  had  der  jim-jams 
She  nefer  vould  gome  to  der  bed, 

"Und  I  vas  seein'  shnagkes  und  Mddencads, 
Und  I  didn't  know  vat  I  said ; 

Und  vhenefer  she'd  gome  to  mofe  me 
She'd  handle  me  awful  rough, 

Und  vhenefer  she'd  gtfe  me  dot  boregario, 
Id  vas  alvays  der  wrong  stuff. 

So  draw  ond  der  bapers,  lawyer, 
Und  rU  go  straight  avay, 

Und  deU  dot  old  voman  off  mine 
Shust  yot  dhose  bapers  say. 

Bud  I  don't  gomblain  of  Betsey 
Of  she'd  only  quiet  down, 

For  ven  she  got  her  mad  ub 
She  gould  glean  ond  all  der  town. 

Und  dhere  is  vone  dhing  more  I  can  vish  her. 
Is  dot  she  keeb  away  from  me ; 

Und  of  efer  she  got  anudder  husband, 
Dot  he  vas  so  shtrong  like  she — 

Und  if  I  kia  be  his  neighbor-in-law, 
Und  hear  der  rows  dot  dhey  kick  ub, 

I'll  invide  him  oud,  und  deU  him  how 
Dot  Betsey  und  I  hafe  bust  ub. 


SCHNEIDER  SEES  LEAH. 

A  FAVOKITE  DUTCH  DIALECT  EECITATION  B1  "  UNCLE  BCHNEIDEE." 

I  vant  to  dold  you  vat  it  is,  dot's  a  putty  nice  play.  De 
first  dime  dot  you  see  Leah,  she  runs  cross  a  pridge,  mit 
some  fellers  chasin'  her  mit  putty  big  shtics.  Dey  Tcetch 
her  right  in  de  middle  of  der  edge,  und  der  leader,  (dot's 
de  villen)  he  sez  of  her,  "  Dot  it's  better  ven  she  dies,  und 


SCHNEIDEK  SEKS  LEAH.  31 

dot  he  coodent  allow  it  dot  she  can  Ze/."  TJnd  de  Oder  fel- 
lers hollers  out,  "  So  ve  vill ;"  "  Gife  her  some  deth  ;"  <'  Kill 
her  putty  quick  j"  "  Shmack  her  of  der  jaw,",  imd  such 
dings;  und  chust  as  dey  vill  kill  her,  de  priest  says  of 
dem,  "  Dond  you  do  dot, "  und  dey  shtop  dot  putty  quick. 
In  der  nexd  seen,  dot  Leah  meets  Rudolph  (dots  her  feller) 
in  de  voods.  Before  dot  he  comes  in,  she  sits  of  de  bottom 
of  a  cross,  und  she  dond  look  pooty  lifely,  und  she  says, 
"  Rudolph,  Rudolph,  how  is  dot,  dot  you  dond  come  und 
see  about  me  ?  You  didn't  shpeak  of  me  for  tree  days 
long.  I  vant  to  dold  you  vot  it  is,  dot  ain't  some  luf.  I 
dond  like  dot."  Veil,  Rudolph  he  dond  vas  dere,  so  he 
coodent  sed  something.  But  ven  he  comes  in,  she  dells  of 
him  dot  she  lufe  him  orfid,  und  he  says  dot  he  guess  he 
lufs  her  orful  too,  imd  vants  to  know  vood  she  leef  dot 
place,  und  go  oud  in  some  oder  country  mit  him.  Und 
she  says,  "I  told  you,  I  vill;"  und  he  says,  "Dot's  all 
right,"  und  he  tells  her  he  vill  meet  her  soon,  und  dey  viU 
go  vay  dogedder.  Den  he  kisses  her  und  goes  oud,  und 
she  feels  honkey  dory  bout  dot. 

Veil,  in  der  nexd  seen,  Rudolph's  old  man  finds  oud 
all  about  dot,  imd  he  don'd  feel  putty  goot;  und  he  says  of 
Rudolph,  "  Vood  you  leef  me,  imd  go  mit  dot  gal  ?"  und 
Rudolph  feels  putty  bad.  He  don'd  know  vot  he  shall  do. 
Und  der  old  man  he  says,  "  I  dold  you  vot  Fll  do.  De 
skoolmaster  (dot's  de  villen)  says  dot  she  might  dook 
some  money  to  go  vay.  Now,  Rudolph,  my  poy.  111  gif  de 
skoolmaster  sum  money  to  gif  do  her,  imd  if  she  don'd 
dook  dot  money,  m  let  you  marry  dot  gal."  Ven  Rudolph 
hears  dis,  he  chiunps  mit  jojmess,  und  says,  "  Fader,  fader, 
dot's  all  righd.  Dot's  pully.  I  baed  you  anydings  she 
voodent  dook  dot  money."  Veil,  de  old  man  gif  de  skool- 
master de  money,  und  dells  him  dot  he  shall  offer  dot  of 
her.  Veil,  dot  pluddy  skoolmaster  comes  back  und  says 
dot  Leah  dook  dot  gold  right  avay  ven  she  didn't  do  dot. 
Den  de  old  man  says,  "  Didn't  I  told  you  so  ?"  imd  Rudolph 


32  SCHNEIDEK  SEES  LEAH. 

gits  so  vild  dot  he  svears  dot  she  can't  haf  someding  more 
to  do  mit  hun.  So  ven  Leah  vill  meet  him  in  de  voods,  he 
don'd  vas  dei'e,  und  she  feels  orful,  und  goes  avay.  Bime- 
hy  she  comes  up  to  Rudolph's  house.  She  feels  putty  had, 
vmd  she  knocks  of  de  door.  De  old  man  comes  oud,  und 
says,  "  Got  out  of  dot,  you  orful  vooman.  Don'd  you  come 
round  after  my  hoy  again,  else  I  put  you  in  de  dooms." 
Und  she  says,  "Chustlet  me  see  Rudolph  vonce,  und  I  vhl 
vander  avay."  So  den  Rudolph  comes  oud,  und  she  vants 
to  rush  of  his  arms,  but  dot  pluddy  fool  voodent  allow  dot. 
He  chucks  her  avay,  und  says,  "  Don'd  you  touch  me,  uf 
you  please,  you  deceitfulness  gal."  I  dold  you  vot  it  is, 
dot  looks  ruff  for  dot  poor  gal.  Und  she  is  extonished, 
imd  says,  "  Vot  is  dis  aboud  dot  ?"  Und  Rudolph,  orful 
mad,  says,  "  Got  oudsiedt,  you  ignomonous  vooman."  Und 
she  feels  so  orful  she  coodent  said  a  vord,  und  she  goes 
oud. 

Afterwards,  Rudolph  gits  married  to  anoder  gal  in  a 
shurch.  VeU,  Leah,  who  is  vandering  efery  veres,  happens 
to  go  in  dot  shurchyard  to  cry,  chust  at  de  same  dime  of 
Rudolph's  marriage,  vich  she  don'd  know  someding  aboud. 
Putty  soon  she  hears  de  organ,  und  she  says  dere  is  some 
beeples  gitten  married,  und  dot  it  viH  do  her  unhappiness 
goot  if  she  sees  dot.  So  she  looks  in  de  vinder,  und  ven 
she  sees  who  dot  is,  my  graciousness,  don'd  she  holler,  und 
shvears  vengeance.  Putty  soon  Rudolph  chumps  oud  indo 
der  shurchyard  to  got  some  air.  He  says  he  don't  feel 
putty  good.  Putty  soon  dey  see  each  oder,  und  dey  had  a 
orful  dime.  He  says  of  her,  "Leah,  how  is  dot  you  been 
here  ?"  Und  she  says  mit  big  scornfulness,  "  God  oud  of 
dot,  you  beat.  How  is  dot,  you  got  cheek  to  talk  of  me 
afder  dot  vitch  you  hafe  done  ?"  Den  he  says,  "  Veil,  vot 
for  you  dook  dot  gold,  you  false-hearded  leetle  gal  ?"  und 
she  says,  "  Vot  gold  is  dot  ?  I  didn't  dook  some  gold." 
Und  he  says,  "  Don'd  you  dold  a  lie  aboud  dot !"  She  says 
slowfuUy,  "  I  told  you  I  didn't  dook  some  gold.    Vot  gold 


SCHNEIDEB  SEES  LEAH.  33 

is  dot?"  "Und  den  Rudolph  tells  her  all  aboud  dot,  imd 
she  says,  "  Dot  is  a  orful  lie.  I  didn't  seen  some  gold;" 
und  she  adds  mit  much  sarkasmness,  "  Und  you  beliefed  I 
dook  dot  gold.  Dot's  de  vorst  I  efer  heered.  Now,  on  ac- 
cound  of  dot,  I  vill  gif  you  a  few  gm^es."  Und  den  she 
svears  mit  orful  voices  dot  Mister  Kain's  gurse  should  git 
on  him,  und  dot  he  coodent  never  git  any  happiness  efeiy-  * 
vere,  no  matter  vere  he  is.  Den  she  valks  off.  Veil,  den 
a  long  dime  passes  avay,  und  den  you  see  Rudolph's  farm. 
He  has  got  a  nice  vlfe,  und  a  putiful  leetle  child.  Purty 
soon  Leah  comes  in,  being  shased,  as  ushual,  by  fellers 
mit  shticks.  She  looks  like  she  didn't  ead  someding  for 
two  monds.  Rudolph's  vife  sends  off  dot  mop,  imd  Leah 
gits  avay  again.  Den  dot  nice  leedle  child  comes  oud,  und 
Leah  comes  back ;  und  ven  she  sees  dot  child,  don'd  she 
feel  orful  aboud  dot,  imd  she  says  mit  affectfulness,  "  Come 
here,  leedle  child,  I  voodn'd  harm  you ;"  und  dot  nice  lee- 
dle child  goes  righd  up,  und  Leah  chumps  on  her,  und 
grabs  her  in  her  arms,  und  gries,  und  kisses  her.  Oh !  my 
graciousness,  don'd  she  gry  aboud  dot.  You  got  to  blow 
your  noses  righd  avay.  I  vant  to  dold  you  vat  it  is,  dot 
looks  pully. 

Und  den  she  says  vile  she  gries,  "  Leedle  childs,  don'd 
you  got  some  names  ?"  Und  dot  leedle  child  shpeaks  oud 
so  nice,  pless  her  leedle  hard,  und  says,  "  Oh !  yes.  My 
name  dot's  Leah,  und  my  papa  tells  me  dot  I  shall  pray 
fur  you  efery  nighd."  Oh !  my  goodnessness,  don'd  Leah 
gry  orful  ven  she  hears  dot.  I  dold  you  vat  it  is,  dot's  a 
shplaindid  ding.  Und  quick  comes  dem  tears  in  your  eyes,! 
imd  you  look  up  ad  de  vail,  so  dot  nobody  can'd  see  dot,' 
und  you  make  oud  you  don'd  care  aboud  it.  But  your  eyes 
gits  fulled  up  so  quick  dot  you  couldn'd  keep  dem  in,  und 
de  tears  comes  down  of  your  face  hke  a  shnow  storm,  und 
den  you  don'd  care  a  tarn  if  efeiy  body  sees  dot.  Und 
Leah  kisses  her  und  gries  hke  dot  her  heart's  broke,  und 
she  dooks  off  dot  gurse  from  Rudolph  und  goes  avay.    De 


34  "DOT  mBrarr  leetle  baby." 

child  den  dell  her  fader  und  muder  aboud  dot,  und  dey  pring 
her  back.  Den  dot  mop  comes  back  mid  vill  kill  her  again, 
but  she  exposes  dot  skoolmaster,  dot  villain,  mid  dot  fixes 
him.  Den  she  falls  down  in  Kudolph's  arms,  mid  yom: 
eyes  gits  fulled  up  again,  und  you  can'd  see  someding  more. 
I  like  to  haf  as  many  glasses  of  beer  as  dere  is  gryin'  chust 
now.  You  couldn't  help  dot  any  vay.  Und  if  I  see  a  gal 
vot  don'd  gry  in  dot  piece,  I  voodn't  marry  dot  gal,  efen  if 
her  fader  owned  a  pig  prewery.  Und  if  I  see  a  feUer  vot 
don'd  gry,  I  voodn't  dook  a  trink  of  lager  bier  mit  him. 
YeU,  afder  de  piece  is  oud,  you  feel  so  bad,  und  so  goot, 
dot  you  must  ead  a  few  pieces  of  hot  stufl"  do  drife  avay  der 
plues.  •  But  I  told  you  vat  it  is,  dot's  a  pully  piece,  I  baed 
you,  don'd  it  ? 


"DOT  FUNNY  LEETLE  BABY." 

DUTCH  DIAI.ECT  BECITATION. 

Droo  as  I  leve,  most  every  day 
I  laugh  me  vild  to  see  de  vay 
Dot  shmaU  yomig  baby  dry  to  blay,— 
Dot  fumiy  leetle  baby. 

Ven  I  looke  of  dem  leetle  toes, 
Und  see  dot  fimny  leetle  nose, 
Und  hear  de  vay  dot  rooster  crows, 
I  sbmile  like  I  vas  crazy. 

Und  ven  I  bear  de  real  nice  vay 
Dem  vomens  to  my  vife  dey  say,— 
"More  like  Ms  fader  every  day," 
I  was  so  broud  like  plazes. 

Sometimes  dere  comes  a  leetle  squaUj 
Dot's  ven  de  vindy  vind  vill  crawl 
Right  nnd  his  leetle  stomach  shmaU: 
ITow  dot's  doo  bad  for  de  baby. 

Dot  makes  him  sing  at  night  so  shweet> 
And  gorry-barric  ho  must  eat. 


SCHNITZEEL'S  PHILOSOPEDB.  35 

TJnd  I  must  shump  shpry  on  my  feet 
To  help  dot  leetle  baby. 

He  pulls  my  nose,  und  kicks  my  hair, 
TJnd  crawls  me  over  everywhere, 
Und  slobbers  me  ;  but  vat  I  care? 
Dot  vas  my  shmall  youug  baby. 

Around  my  neck  dot  leetle  arm 
Yas  sqveezlng  me  so  nice  und  varm : 
Mine  Gott,  may  never  coom  some  harm 
To  dot  shmall  leetle  baby  ! 


SCHNITZERL'S    PHILOSOPEDE. 

BT  HAMS  BBEITHASK. 

Hans  Schnitzerl  made  a  philosopede, 

Vone  of  dot  newest  kind ; 
It  didn't  have  no  vheel  before ; 

Und  der  vasn't  none  pehiud. 

Aber  dere  vas  vone  in  de  middle,  dhough, 

Dat's  shust  as  sure  as  eggs ; 
Und  he  shtraddled  across  dot  axel, 

Mit  de  vheel  between  his  legs. 

Und  vhen  he  vants  to  shtart  it  off. 

He  paddled  mit  his  feet, 
Und  soon  he  made  it  gone  so  fast 

Dat  eferytings  he  beat. 

He  took  it  out  on  Broadway  vonce, 

Und  shkeeted  like  de  vind. 
Phew !  how  ho  passed  dot  fancy  schaps  I 

He  leafed  dem  all  pehind, 

Dem  fellers  on  dose  shtylish  nags 

Pulled  up  to  see  him  pass ; 
Und  der  Deutschers,  all  ockstonished,  ciiedi 
"  Potz  tauzand  !    Vas  ist  das  ?" 

But  faster  shtiU  Herr  Schnitzerl  flew — 
On,  mit  a  ghastly  schmilu ; 


3fi  NOOZELL  AND  THE  OEGAN-GEINDER. 

He  didn't  touch  de  ground,  py  Jinks, 
Not  vonce  in  half  a  mile. 

So  vas  it  mit  Herr  Schnitzerl 

Und  his  philosopede ; 
His  feet  both  shlipped  right  inside  out 

Vhen  at  its  extra  shpeed. 

He  failed  upon  dot  vhcel,  of  course ; 

Dot  vheel  like  blitzen  flew ; 
TJnd  Schnitzerl,  he  vas  schnit  in  vact, 

Dot  schliced  him  grad  in  two. 


NOOZELL  AND  THE  ORG-AN-GRINDER. 

HUMOROUS  BEADING ITALIAN    DIALECT. — BY  AH-MIE. 

Noozell  was  alone  in  his  glory.  His  wife  and  family  had 
gone  out  for  a  walk.  He  sat  on  his  front-door  step,  medita- 
tively surv.eying  the  clouds,  when  a  native  of  sunny  Italy 
stopped  at  his  gate  and  insinuatingly  asked,  "  Moosic  ?" 

"No,  sir-ee !"  promptly  answered  Noozell,  who  is  not  at 
all  partial  to  music. 

But  the  Italian  didn't  leave.  Helooked  intently  at  Noo- 
zell's  face  for  some  moments.  Then  he  opened  the  gate, 
and  with  tears  in  his  eyes,  staggered  up  to  Noozell,  who  had 
risen  in  alarm,  and  passionately  embraced  him.  ''  It  ees — 
it  ees,"  he-  hysterically  exclaimed,  and  then,  completely 
overcome  with  his  emotions,  hung  limp  and  lifeless  upon 
the  astonished  Noozell. 

"Dear  me!  this  is  awful!"  groaned  Noozell,  borne 
down  with  the  weight  of  a  healthy  Italian  and  a  fifty-pound 
organ. 

The  Italian  soon  recovered  and  disengaged  himself.  But 
only  for  a  moment.  With  a  few  inarticulate  expressions  in 
Ms  native  tongue,  he  embraced  Noozell  with  renewed 
vigor,  and  almost  smothered  that  harmless  and  peaceable 
citizen  in  the  ardor  of  the  act. 


NOOZELL  AND  THE  OKGAN- GRINDER.  37 

After  repeating  this  several  times  ho  retii-ed  a  few  feet 
and  looked  admiringly  at  Noozell ;  while  that  ruffled  indi- 
vidual sat  down  on  the  steps  and  manfully  endeavored  to 
regain  his  lost  breath.  After  accomplishing  this  laudable 
undertaking  sufficiently  to  look  around,  he  found  that 
several  of  his  neighbors  W3re  enjoying  the  scene  from  their 
respective  front-door  steps.  This  aroused  the  lion  in 
Noozell's  bosom.  He  got  up,  and  raising  himself  to  his 
greatest  height,  thundered : 

"You  villain!  you  rascal!  you  thief!  what  does  this 
mean  ?" 

The  tears  again  started  from  the  Italian's  eyes  as  he  re- 
proachfully said : 

"  Zis  from  zo  man  who  safe  ze  life  of  my  two  sons,  who  is 
now  both  artists  on  ze  hand-organ  i  Zis  from  ze  man  who 
pay  ze  doctor  ven  zay  was  sick  I  It  ees  too  mooch !"  And 
the  stalwart  Itahan  leaned  against  the  fence  and  wept. 

"  My  friend,"  said  Noozell,  who  is  a  soft-hearted  man, 
and  who,  on  seeing  the  Italian's  emotion,  heartily  regretted 
his  harsh  words,  "  you  are  mistaken.     I  am  not  the  man." 

"  Not  ze  man  ?"  repeated  the  Itahan.  "  Oh  yes  you  is ! 
I  know  him.  Zere  is  zot  gmnbUe  on  your  pretty  face.  Zat 
grooked  nose.  Zem  big  ears.  Zem  nice  red  hair.  Oh  no ! 
I  no  can  be  mistake  !" 

Noozell  sat  down,  perfectly  speechless  and  stared  blankly 
at  the  small  but  select  audience  of  bootblacks  who  were  en- 
joying the  scene  from  the  sidewalk. 

"  I  am  grateful,"  continued  the  Italian.  "  Gold  and  sil- 
ver I  hafe  not ;  but  what  I  hafo  shall  bo  yours.  I  play 
you  a  tune." 

And  he  did ;  notwithstanding  the  fact  that  Noozell,  in 
the  most  elegant  XJigeon-English,  and  the  most  frantic 
demonstrations  a  despairing  mortal  is  capable  of  making, 
tried  to  make  him  understand  that  he  was  opposed  to  the 
motion. 

He  ground  out  that  popular  air,  "  The  Marsellaise,"  a 


38  NOOZELL  Ami  TKB  OEGAIT-GEINDEE. 

tune  that  Noozell  detests  above  all  other  tunes.  So  he 
spasmodically  reached  for  his  hair,  and  gazed  around  with 
a  gloomy  look  on  his  face  that  furnished  the  highest 
possible  enjoyment  for  the  appreciative  audience  of  boot- 
blacks. 

"  Ze  nices  moosic  he  can  be,"  remarked  the  smiling  mu- 
sician, 

Noozell  didn't  think  so.  "When  the  Itahan  at  length 
stopped  to  change  the  tune  he  pulled  out  a  greenback  and 
offered  it  to  the  Itahan,  saying : 

"  Enough — now  go." 

But  the  Itahan  waved  his  hand  in  a  hurt  manner.  ' '  Noth- 
ing. I  am  grateful,"  he  simply  said,  and  began  grinding 
out  more  melody. 

Noozell  settled  himself  to  his  fate  and  quietly  sat  there 
for  half  an  hour  while  the  pleased  Itahan  turned  the  crank 
with  unremitting  energy. 

At  the  end  of  that  time  he  got  up  and  earnestly  requested 
the  enthusiastic  Itahan  to  stop.  But  that  individual  was 
too  grateful  to  comply. 

Then  NoozeU  swung  his  arms  around  his  head  and 
jumped  up  and  down  the  steps,  and  in  despair  called  the 
Itahan,  the  bootblacks,  his  neighbors,  and  everybody  else 
who  was  looking  on,  "  Bloated  bond-holders !" 

The  Italian  evidently  mistook  this  for  a  token  of  approval 
and  delightedly  murmured,  "  Nices  moosic  he  can  be !" 

Then  NoozeU,  in  his  despair,  unconsciously  executed  a 
neat  double-shufifle,  which  the  audience  on  the  sidewalk 
vigorously  applauded,  to  the  intense  delight  of  the  Italian, 
who  rapturously  repeated,  "  Nices  moosic  he  can  be !"  and 
turned  the  crank  with  ever-increasing  speed. 

At  last  Noozell,  completely  worn  out  with  his  efforts  to 
induce  the  organist  to  leave,  entered  the  house.  His  was  a 
desperate  resolve.  He  got  down  from  the  garret  a  thing 
that  every  well-regulated  family  inherits  from  a  grandfather 
— an  old  gun.    This  he  loaded  with  bird-shot,  cocked  it, 


"dee  dog  und  dee  lobstee."  39 

sprang  nimbly  to  the  open  door  with  it,  aimed  at  the  Ital- 
ian, who  was  still  playing,  and  fired.  A  moment  later  there 
was  music  in  the  air — music  a  thousand  times  more  terrible 
to  Noozell's  ears  than  the  most  unearthly  air  ever  ground 
out  of  any  organ  in  existence — its  component  parts  were 
the  screams  of  his  wife,  the  cries  of  his  children,  the  shrieks 
of  the  lately  smiling  bootblacks,  mingled  with  the  shouts 
of  the  excited  bystanders.  For  when  the  blood-thirsty 
Noozell  shot  at  the  musician,  the  former's  wife  was  just 
entering  the  gate,  and  in  a  moment  would  have  been 
directly  in  firont  of  the  Italian,  and  out  of  danger.  But  as 
fate  would  have  it,  she  was  completely  out  of  range  of  the 
Revolutionary  rehc,  and,  as  a  matter  of  course,  received 
the  full  charge  of  bird-shot  on  her  breast ;  but,  luckily, 
she  had  on  her  new,  fashionable  buckle,  so  the  shot  glanced 
off  and  distributed  itself  impartially  among  the  nearest 
bystanders. 

Then  to  add  to  the  confusion,  two  pohcemen  marched 
Noozell  off  to  the  station-house  to  answer  to  the  charge  of 
shooting,  with  intent  to  kill.  He  was  discharged,  however, 
for  want  of  evidence,  for  the  Italian  wisely  staid  away,  and  so 
escaped  being  scalped,  a  thing  that  Noozell  expressed  him- 
self anxious  to  do. 

So,  to  quote  a  popular  saying,  there  was  "  nobody  hurt" 


"DER  DOa  UND  DER  LOBSTER." 

rSOM  TBB  KEW  TOBK  CIXPPEB. —  BY  SAUIi  SEBTSKW. 

Dot  dog  he  vas  dot  kind  of  dog 

Vot  ketch  dot  ret  so  sly, 
Und  squeeze  him  mit  his  Icetle  teeth, 

Und  den  dot  ret  vas  die. 

Dot  dog  he  vas  onqnisitive 

VareflTer  he  vas  go, 
Und,  like  dot  vooman,  all  der  time 

Someding  he  vants  to  know. 


40  "der  dog  itntd  der  lobster." 

Tone  day,  all  by  dot  markot-stand 
Vare  fish  und  clams  dey  sell, 

Dot  dog  vas  poke  his  nose  aboud 
Und  find  out  vat  he  smeU. 

Dot  lobster  he  vas  took  dot  snooze 
Mit  von  eye  open  vide, 

Und  ven  dot  dog  vas  come  along 
Dot  lobster  he  vas  spied. 

Dot  dog  he  smell  him  mit  his  nose, 
Und  scratch  him  mit  his  paws, 

Und  push  dot  lobster  aU  aboud, 
Und  vender  vot  he  vas. 

Und  den  dot  lobster  he  voke  up, 
Und  crawl  yoost  like  dot  snail, 

Und  make  vide  open  ov  his  claws 
Und  grab  dot  doggie's  taU. 

Und  den  so  quick  as  never  vas 
Dot  cry  vent  to  der  sky, 

Und,  like  dem  swallows  vot  dey  sing^ 
Dot  dog  vas  homeward  fly. 

Tooet  like  dot  dunderbolt  he  vent — 
Der  sight  vas  awful  grand, 

Und  every  street  dot  dog  vas  turn 
Down  vent  dot  apple-stand. 

Der  shildren  cry,  der  \'immin  scream, 
Der  mens  fall  on  der  grovmd, 

Und  dot  bqliceman  mit  his  club 
Yas  novare  to  pe  found. 

I  make  dot  run  und  call  dot  dog, 
Und  vistle  awful  kind ; 

Dot  makes  no  difference  vot  I  say. 
Dot  dog  don't  look  pehind. 

Und  pooty  soon  dot  race  vas  end, 
Dot  dog  vas  lost  his  tail — 

Dot  lobster  I  vas  took  him  home^ 
Und  cook  him  in  dot  pail. 


THE  FRENCHMAN  AND  JOHN  BULL.  41 

Dot  moral  vas,  T  tolo  you  'boud, 

Pefore  vas  neffor  known — 
Don't  vant  to  find  out  too  mnch  dings 

Dot  vasn't  ov  your  own ! 


HO"W  A  FRENCHMAN  ENTERTAINED 
JOHN  BULL. 


A  HUMOBOUS  FKENCH  BTOBT. 


In  years  bygone,  before  the  famous  Rockaway  Pavilion 
was  built,  the  Half- Way  House,  at  Jamaica,  Long  Island, 
used  to  be  filled  with  travelers  to  the  sea-shore,  who  put 
up  there,  and  visited  the  beach,  either  in  their  own  or  in 
hired  vehicles,  during  the  day.  One  warm  summer  even- 
ing, when  the  house  was  unusually  crowded,  an  English- 
man rode  up  in  a  gig,  and  asked  for  accommodation  for 
the  night.  The  landlord  repUed  that  all  his  rooms  were 
taken,  and  all  his  beds,  except  one,  which  was  in  a  suite 
of  rooms  occupied  by  a  French  gentleman.  "  If  you  and 
Monsieur  can  agree  to  room  together,"  said  the  landlord. 
"  there  is  an  excellent  vacant  bed  there." 

The  traveler  replied,  "No,  I  cannot  sleep  in  the  same 
room  with  any  d —  Frenchman,"  and  ofl"  he  rode  Avith  all 
the  grum  looks  of  a  real  John  Bull. 

In  about  half  an  hour,  however,  ho  came  back,  saying 
that,  as  he  could  find  no  other  lodgings,  he  believed  he 
would  have  to  accept  the  Frenchman  as  a  room-mate. 
Meantime  his  first  ill-natured  remark  had  somehow 
reached  the  French  gentleman's  ears,  and  he  resolved 
to  pay  oflF  Johnny  in  his  own  coin. 

On  being  shown  to  the  apartment,  the  Englishman 
stalked  in,  in  his  accustomed  haughty  manner,  while  the 
Frenchman,  as  is  usual  with  his  nation,  rose  and  received 
him  \\1th  smiles  and  bows — in  short,  he  was  more  precisely 
polite  than  usual — sarcastically  so,  a  keen  observer  would 
have  thought.    Not  a  word  passed  between  the  two,  but 


42  THE  FRENCHMAiT  AJSTD  JOHN  BULL. 

soon  the  Englishman  gave  a  pull  at  the  bell-cord.  The 
Frenchman  quietly  rose  from  his  seat  and  gave  the  string 
two  pulls.  On  the  appearance  of  the  waiter,  Bull  said : 
"Waiter,  I  want  supper:  order  me  a  beefsteak,  and  a 
cup  of  tea." 

The  Frenchman  instantly  said :  "  Vataire,  ordaire  two 
cup  tea,  and  two  bifsteak ;  I  vant  two  suppaire !" 

Bull  started  and  looked  grum,  but  said  nothing.  The 
Frenchman  elevated  his  eyebrows  and  took  a  huge  pinch 
of  snufl".  When  supper  was  ready,  the  two  sat  down  and 
ate  for  a  while  in  silence,  when  the  Englishman  said : 

"  Waiter,  bring  me  a  bottle  of  Burgundy." 

The  waiter  started  on  his  errand,  but  before  reaching 
the  door,  the  Frenchman  called  to  him:  "Vataire,  come 
back  here  !  you  bring  me  two  bottle  Burgimdy." 

Bull  knit  his  brows :  Monsieur  elevated  his,  shrugged 
his  shoulders,  and  took  another  pinch  of  snuff.  The  wine 
was  brought,  and, while  quaffing  it,  the  Englishman  said: 

"  Waiter,  bring  me  an  apple  tart,  and  a  what  d'ye  call 
it,  there — a  Charlotte-de-Russe." 

Monsieur  then  called  to  the  waiter :  "  Bring  me  two  of 
de  apple  tart,  and  two  vat  de  diable  you  call  him — Sh-Sh 
Sharlie-do-Eoss." 

Bull's  patience  was  now  exhausted,  and  before  the  last 
order  could  be  executed,  he  started  from  his  seat  and  rtmg 
the  bell.  The  Frenchman  went  to  the  string  and  gave  it 
two  violent  pulls.  The  waiter  (who  was  almost  convulsed 
with  laughter)  came  hurrying  back,  when  Bull  roared  out : 

"Waiter,  never  mind  the  Charlotte-de-Russe;  bring  me 
up  a  bootjack  and  a  pair  of  slippers." 

The  Frenchman  responded — "Vataire,  you  no  mind  to 
bring  two  of  de  Sharlie-de-Ross,  but  you  bring  two  slip- 
paire,  and  two  shack-boot." 

Before  there  was  time  to  bring  these  articles,  Bidl  had 
thoroughly  lost  his  temper,  and  when  the  waiter  appeared 
with  them,  he  thundered  out : 


schlosser's  ride.  43 

"  Waiter,  bring  me  a  candle ;  and  if  you  have  no  room 
in  the  house  with  a  bed  in  it,  besides  this,  show  me  a  set- 
tee, or  a  lounge,  or  a  couple  of  chairs,  or,  in  short,  any 
place  where  I  can  rest  in  peace  by  myself." 

Monsieur  instantly  called  out :  "  Stop,  vataire :  you  sail 
bring  me  two  candle,  and  if  you  have  no  room  vith  two 
bed  in  him,  you  sail  bring  me  two  lounge,  two  settee,  and 
two  chair !  by  gar,  I  vUl  rest  in  two  pieces !" 

BuU  could  stand  it  no  longer.  He  kicked  the  bootjack 
out  of  the  way  and  made  a  rush  for  the  door,  banged  his 
head  in  an  attempt  to  open  it,  ran  against  the  waiter  at 
the  head  of  the  stairs,  when  both  tumbled  to  the  bottom, 
darted  into  the  bar-room,  paid  his  bill,  and  ordered  up  lus 
horse  and  gig,  swearing  he  would  never  sleep  in  the  house 
with  a  mad  Frenchman. 

"  Ah,  ha !"  exclaimed  Monsieur,  after  Bull's  departure, 
"  he  no  like  von  d —  Frenchman,  and  I  give  him  razion  to 
no  like  him.  Morbleu !  I  sail  get  some  sleeps  to  myselfc 
C'est  fait !"  and  he  went  quietly  to  bed. 


SCHLOSSER'S  RIDE. 

A  PABODY  ON  "  SHERIDAN'S  BIDE.  " 

Eighd  from  der  front  one  putiful  day, 
Bringin'  der  rear  some  fresh  dismay, 
A  frightened  sendinel  broughd  der  news 
(He  looked  as  if  he  vas  scared  like  der  doosey 
Der  vay  he  kigged  his  legs  so  loose), 
Delling  der  rebels  were  coming  aheadt, 
"  Und  shooding  like  hell,"  dot's  vat  he  said. 
De  gallant  soldiers,  I  haf  no  doubd, 
Ad  dis  schweed  news  mid  joy  should  shond. 
Bud  as  der  news  vas  spread  aboud, 
Do  dell  der  druth,  dcy  looked  down  in  der  moud; 
Exbecially  von  boor  Dudchman  dere, 
Who,  when  he  heard  der  guns  in  der  air, 
Almost  did  dum  himself  gray  hair. 


44  SCHLOSSEE'S  RIDE. 

Pore  ScMosser  didn't  like  id  ad  all, 
Do  gid  himself  gud  luid  a  caunon-ball. 
Und  dalk  as  you  may,  dot  Dutchman  vas  righd- 
In  a  baddle  it's  petter  do  bin  oud  of  sight ; 
Do  been  shod  und  exploded  dot  ain't  much  fun. 
So  long  as  yon  hafe  any  chance  for  do  run. 
Und  as  dose  shells  did  bust  around, 
Und  knocked  der  soldiers  on  der  ground, 
Exbloding  mid  a  gentle  sound, 
Dot  Schlosser  quick  made  ub  his  mind, 
De  first  goot  horse  dot  he  should  find. 
He'd  ride  avay  as  quick  as  der  vind, 
Und  leaf  dot  baddle  far  behint. 
Und  soon  he  finds  him  a  schblendid  horse, 
Und  chumbs  on  him  midoud  some  pause ; 
Den  shburs  his  side  mid  his  big  heel, 
Und  gallobs  from  der  baddle-field. 
Dere  is  a  road  righd  near  dot  schbod, 
A  first-rate  road  for  a  horse  do  drod, 
Und  dere  dot  frightened  Schlosser  rides, 
Und  kigs  der  poor  horse  in  der  sides, 
Und  shcreams  so  much  at  hira  besides ; 
Der  drees,  der  road,  dey  bass  like  a  schod, 
Fadigue  and  exbosure  dot  cubble  feel  nod, 
Dey  vish  do  get  only  avay  from  dot  schbod. 
Doo-forty  dot  horse  he  goes  flyin'  away ; 
Der  hiUs  rise  and  faU,  und  Schlosser  is  gay, 
'Cause  he  is  more  as  fife  miles  avay. 
ShdiU  der  hoofs  of  dot  old  nag 
For  efen  a  minute  did  never  lag ; 
He  strained  him  efery  shdrengtd  he  got, 
Und  Schlosser,  as  he  on  him  sod, 
Tas  heard  to  laugh  in  a  cholly  vay, 
'Cause  now  he  vas  den  miles  avay. 
Und  shdiU  old  Schlosser  pushed  Mm  aheadt, 
"  I  feel  quite  bedder  now,"  he  said, 
Und  his  face  god  back  ids  natural  red ; 
But  nod  a  minute  did  he  stay, 
Und  soon  he  was  dwenty  miles  avay. 


"hez''  aot)  the  landlord.  45 

So  goot  dot  horse  his  dxity  done. 

Dot  pefore  de  setting  of  dor  sun, 

He  carried  his  rider — ^that  son  of  a  gun — 

Away  from  der  sount  of  any  gun. 

Und  ven  dot  baddle  was  at  ids  dop, 

Und  de  swords  mit  awful  noise  did  pop, 

Und  de  ground  mit  heldy  blood  did  sop. 

Dot  Schlosser  as  he  rode  along, 

He  singed  himself  a  fmmy  song. 

He  vasn'd  dinkin'  'boud  der  fray — 

He  vas  more  as  a  hundred  miles  avay. 

Dree  cheers !  dree  cheers !  for  Schlosser,  bold. 

Four  cheers !  four  cheers  I  for  dot  horse  so  old. 


"HEZ"  AND  THE  LANDLORD. 

HTTHOBOtlS  TAKESB   BECITATIOK. 

In  a  quiet  little  Ohio  village,  many  years  ago,  was  a  tav- 
ern where  the  stages  always  changed,  and  the  passengers 
expected  to  get  breakfast.  The  landlord  of  the  said  hotel 
was  noted  for  his  tricks  upon  travelers,  who  were  allowed 
to  get  fairly  seated  at  the  table,  when  the  driver  would  blow 
his  horn  (after  taking  his  "horn,")  and  smg  out,  "Stage 
ready,  gentlemen!" — whereupon  the  passengers  were 
obliged  to  hurry  out  to  take  their  seats,  leaving  a  scarcely- 
tasted  breakfast  behind  them,  for  which,  however,  they 
had  to  fork  over  fifty  cents.  One  day,  when  the  stage 
was  approaching  the  house  of  this  obUgmg  landlord,  a 
passenger  said  that  he  had  often  heard  of  the  landlord's 
trick,  and  he  was  afraid  they  would  not  be  able  to  eat  any 
breakfast. 

"  "What !— how  ?    No  breakfast !"  exclaimed  the  rest. 

"  Exactly  so,  gents,  and  you  may  as  weU  keep  your  seats 
and  tin." 

"  Don't  they  expect  passengers  to  breakfast  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes !  they  expect  you  to  it,  but  not  to  eat  it.   I  am 


46  "hez"  and  the  laist)lokd. 

under  the  impression  that  there  is  an  understanding  be- 
tween the  landlord  and  the  driver,  that  for  sundry  and 
various  drinks,  etc.,  the  latter  starts  before  you  can  scarcely 
commence  eating." 

"  What  on  earth  air  you  all  talking  about  ?  Ef  you  calke- 
late  I'm  goin'  to  pay  four-and-ninepence  for  my  breakfast, 
and  not  giet  the  valee  on't,  yo're  mistakin,"  said  a  voice  from 
aback  seat,  the  owner  of  which  was  one  Hezekiah  Spaulding 
— though  "  tew  hum  "  they  caU  him  "  Hez  "  for  short.  "  I'm 
goin'  to  get  my  breakfast  here,  and  not  pay  nary  red  cent 
tm  I  do." 

"  Then  you'll  be  left." 

"  Not  as  you  knows  on,  I  won't." 

"  Well,  we'U  see,"  said  the  other,  as  the  stage  drove  up  to 
the  door,  and  the  landlord,  ready  "  to  do  the  hospitable," 
says: 

"  Breakfast  just  ready,  gents !  Take  a  wash,  gents  ? 
Here's  water,  basins,  towels  and  soap." 

After  performing  the  ablutions,  they  aU  proceeded  to  the 
dining-room,  and  commenced  a  fierce  onslaught  upon  the 
edibles,  though  Hez  took  his  time.  Scarcely  had  they 
tasted  their  coffee,  when  they  heard  the  unwelcome  sound 
of  the  horn,  and  the  driver  exclaim :  "  Stage  ready !"  Up 
rise  eight  grumbling  passengers,  pay  their  fifty  cents,  and 
take  their  seats. 

"  All  on  board,  gents  ?"  inquired  the  host. 

"  One  missing,"  said  they. 

Proceeding  to  the  dining-room,  the  host  finds  Hez  very 
coolly  helping  himself  to  an  immense  piece  of  steak,  the 
size  of  a  horse's  hip. 

"  You'll  be  left,  sir !    Stage  going  to  start !" 

"  Well,  I  hain't  nothing  to  say  agin  it,"  drawled  out  Hez. 

"  Can't  wait,  sir — better  take  yom*  seat." 

"  I'll  be  gaU-damed  ef  I  dew,  nother,  till  I've  got  my 
breakfast !  I  paid  for  it,  and  I'm  goin'  to  get  the  valee 
on't  J  and  ef  you  calkelate  I  hain't,  you  are  mistakin." 


"HEZ"  AND  THE  LANDLORD.  47 

So  the  Stage  did  start,  and  left  Hez,  who  continued  his 
attack  upon  the  edibles.  Biscuits,  coffee,  etc.,  disappeared 
before  the  eyes  of  the  astonished  landlord. 

"  Say,  squire,  them  there  cakes  is 'bout  eat — ^fetch  on  an- 
other grist  on  'em.  You "  (to  the  waiter,)  "  'nother  cup  of 
that  ere  cofifee.  Pass  them  eggs.  Raise  your  own  pork, 
squire  ?  This  is  'mazm'  nice  ham.  Land  'bout  here  tolera- 
ble cheap,  squire  I  Hain't  much  maple  timber  in  these 
parts,  hev  ye  ?  Dew  right  smart  trade,  squire,  I  calkelate  V 
And  thus  Hez  kept  quizzing  the  landlord  until  he  had 
made  a  hearty  meal. 

"  Say,  squire,  now  Fm  Hjout  to  conclude  paying  my 
devowers  to  this  ere  table,  but  jest  give  us  a  bowl  of  bread 
and  milk  to  top  off  with,  and  I'd  be  much  obleeged  tew  ye." 

So  out  go  the  landlord  and  waiter  for  the  bowl,  milk  and 
bread,  and  set  them  before  him. 

"  Spoon,  tew,  ef  you  please." 

But  no  spoon  could  be  found.  Landlord  was  sure  he  had 
plenty  of  silver  ones  lying  on  the  table  when  the  stage 
stopped. 

"  Say,  dew  ye  T  dew  ye  think  them  passengers  is  goin'  to 
pay  ye  for  breakfuss  and  not  get  no  compensashun  f" 

''  Ah,  what  t  Do  you  think  any  of  the  passengers  took 
them  I" 

"  Dew  I  think  f  No,  I  don't  thmk,  but  Tm  sartin.  Ef 
they  air  all  as  green  as  yew  'bout  here,  I'm  goin'  to  locate 
immediately,  and  tew  wonst." 

The  landlord  rushes  out  to  the  stable,  and  starts  a  man 
off  after  the  stage,  which  had  gone  about  three  miles.  The 
man  overtakes  the  stage,  and  says  something  to  the  driver 
in  a  low  tone.  He  immediately  turns  back,  and  on 
arriving  at  the  hotel,  Hez  comes  out,  takes  his  seat,  and 
says: 

"  How  air  yew,  gents?    I'm  rotted  glad  to  see  yew." 

"  Can  you  point  out  the  man  you  think  has  the  spoons  ?" 
asked  the  landlord. 


48  MINE  KATRDTE. 

"  Pint  him  out  f  Sartinly  I  ken.  Say,  squire,  I  paid 
yew  four-and-ninepence  for  a  breakfoss,  and  I  calkelate  I 
got  the  valee  on't !  You'll  find  them  spoons  in  the  coffee- 
pot. 

"  Go  aJiead !    All  aboard,  driver." 

The  landlord  stared. 


MINE  KATRINE. 

BY  CHAKLES  F.    AX>AM8. 

Tou  votddn't  dink  mine  frau — 
If  you  shust  look  at  her  now, 
There  der  wrinkles  on  her  prow 

Long  haf  been — 
Vas  d.eT  fraulein  hlump  und  fair, 
Mit  der  vafy  flaxen  hair, 
Who  did  vonce  mine  heart  enshnare— 

Mine  Katrine. 

Der  dime  seems  shord  to  me 
Since  we  game  acrosd  der  sea, 
To  der  goimdry  off  der  free 

Ve'd  nefer  seen ; 
But  ve  hear  de  beople  say 
Dhere  vas  vork  und  blendy  bay. 
So  I  shtarted  right  avay 

Mit  Katrine. 

Oh,  der  shoy  dot  filled  mine  house 
Vheu  dot  goot  oldt  Tocter  Krauss 
Brought  us  "  Leedle  Yawcob  Strauss," 

Shveet  und  clean ; 
Vy,  I  don't  pelief  mine  eyes, 
Vhen  I  look  now,  mit  surprise. 
On  dot  feller,  shust  der  size 

Off  Katrine. 

Den  "  dot  leedle  babe  off  mine, " 
He  vas  grown  so  tail  und  fine — 
Shust  so  sdrait  as  any  pine 
You  efer  seen ; 


SQUIRE  BILLINGS'  PICKEREL.  49 

Und  der  beoples  all  agree 
Sooch  fine  poys  dey  nefer  see 
(Dey  looks  mooch  more  like  me 
As  Katrine.) 

Yell,  ve  haf  our  criefs  und  shoys, 
Und  dhere's  naught  our  lofe  destroy^ 
Bud  I  miss  dose  leetle  poys 

Dot  used  to  been ; 
Und  der  tears  vill  somedime  sdart, 
Und  I  feels  so  sick  at  heart, 
Vhen  I  dinks  I  soon  must  part 

From  Katrine. 

Old  Time  vill  soon  pe  here, 
Mit  his  sickle  und  his  shpear, 
Und  viU  vhisper  in  mine  ear 

Mit  sober  mien : 
"  You  musd  coom  along  mit  me. 
For  it  vas  der  Lord's  decree ; 
Und  von  day  dose  poys  you'll  see, 

Und  Katrine. " 


SQUIRE  BILLINGS'  PICKEREL. 

A  HUMOBOUS  RECITATION. 

"  They  a'n't  no  use  o'  talkin',"  said  Uncle  Jerry  Green- 
ing, "  fur  a  pick'rel  is  just  the  teenaishussest  and  voraish- 
ussest  fish  they  is." 

A  party  of  fishermen  were  camped  on  the  Rattlesnake 
Creek,  near  the  celebrated  Greening  farm,  in  the  best 
trout-fishing  section  of  the  Shohola  region,  in  Pike  County, 
Pa.  The  question  of  the  voracity  and  tenacity  of  fish  was 
being  discussed  over  pipe  and  bowl,  after  a  day's  tramp  of 
many  miles.  Old  Uncle  Jerry  was  present.  The  catfish, 
the  eel,  the  black  bass,  the  trout  and  pickerel  each  had  its 
champion,  and  illustrative  stories  that  must  have  made 
the  bones  of  Munchausen  turn  and  rattle  in  their  grave 
were  related  to  prove  the  superiority  of  each  in  the  two 


50  SQTJIEE  BILLINGS'  PICKEKEL. 

attributes  mentioned.  Uncle  Jerry  had  taken  but  little 
part  in  the  discussion,  and  the  weight  of  argument  seemed 
to  be  in  favor  of  the  catfish.  Then  the  old  fisherman  came 
to  the  aid  of  the  pickerel. 

"  A  full-growed  pick'rel,  if' t's  healthy,"  said  Jerry,  "11 
eat  it's  childum  and  it's  childum's  childum  to  the  tenth 
gineration ;  'n  I'm  dumed  'f  I  a'n't  seed  one  't  have  got 
holt  'n  his  own  tail  somehow,  'n  was  tryin'  his  pootiest  to 
git  away  with  hisself.  I  take 't  that  a  fish  that  hez  sich  a 
appetite  's  that  'orter  be  put  down  'mong  them  as  hez  't 
least  a  inklin'  of  voraishusness.  Is  a  pick'rel  tenaishus  ? 
Wall,  mebbe  I  don't  know  zactly  what  teenaishus  is ;  but 
Tve  cotched  pick'rel  through  the  ice,  throwed  'em  out  and 
seed  'em  flop  round  till  they  froze  stiff;  kep  'em  two  'r 
three  days,  then  carried  'em  twenty  mile  to  git  home,  'n 
chucked  'em  on  the  kitchen  floor  till  I  k'd  git  ready  to 
clean  'em.  I've  seed  these  same  fish  lay  thar  by  the  stove, 
'bout  five  minutes,  'n  then  begin  to  gap  and  work  their 
gills,  'n  pooty  soon  go  to  floppin'  and  skippin'  round  the 
room,  with  their  jaws  open  like  a  young  alligator,  'n 
wouldn't  be  still  till  I  hit  'em  in  th'  head  wi'  an  axe. 
Mebbe  Dan'l  Webster's  dictionary  don't  call  that  teenaishus, 
but  'f  'ta'n't  't's  pooty  dum  nigh  on  to  it,  a'n't  it,  boys  ?" 

The  boys  could  scarcely  help  allowing  that  there  was  at 
least  a  suspicion  of  tenacity  about  a  pickerel  guilty  of  such 
conduct. 

"  Guess  I  never  tole  you  'bout  ole  Squire  Billins'  pick- 
'rel that  he  had  oust,  did  I  ?  Wall,  boys,  thar  was  a  ^5^. 
Mebbe  you  won't  beheve  this  story,  but  it's  true  's 
preachin',  'n  'f  you  ever  see  the  ole  squire  he'U  tell  you 
same  thing.  He  kep'  the  pick'rel  in  a  spring  in  a  pastiu:' 
on  his  farm.  It  wa'n't  more  'n  a  foot'n  a  half  long,  the 
pick'rel  wa'n't,  but  he  were  's  commojus  as  a  ten-acre  lot. 
Dumed  'f  I  ha'nt  gone  t'  that  spring  with  a  twelve-quart 
pail  fuU  o'  fiver,  and  after  feedin'  it  all  to  ole  Teetotaller — 
they  called  him  Teetotaller,  'cause  he  never  got  full — ^he'd 


SQUIRE  BILLINGS'  PICKEREL.  51 

snap  his  jaws  and  tear  'round  in  tliat  spring  till  she  b'iled, 
'cause  there  wa'nt  any  more  liver  comin'  to  him.  The 
cows  't  fed  in  th'  lot  got  so  they  was  'fraid  to  go  up  an' 
drink  in  the  spring  'cause  Teetotaller  chawed  their  noses. 
He'd  tackle  anything.  Ole  squire  lef  a  subsile  plough 
layin'  near  th'  spring  one  night,  and  nex'  momin'  'twere 
gone.  They  alius  blamed  a  feller 't  lived  over  that  way 
■m'  stealin'  it,  but  I  tell  you  he's  innercent.  That  dum 
pick'rel  eat  that  plough  I 

"  Wall,  anyhow,  the  squire  bought  a  new  cow  one  day, 
an'  turned  'er  in  the  spring  lot ;  I  were  thar,  an'  me  an' 
the  ole  man  war  leanin'  on  the  fence  lookin'  at  th'  new  cow. 
She  fed  round  a  while,  an'  then  walks  over  t'  th'  spring  to 
drink.  She  drunk,  and  turns  round  and  stands  still,  a 
swishin'  an'  swoshin'  her  tail  in  the  spring.  She  were  a 
nice  fat  critter,  an'  ole  Teetotaller  hked  the  looks  of  'er, 
an'  made  up  his  mind  to  eat  'er  up.  So  he  waltzes  over  to 
that  side  o'  the  spring,  an'  when  the  cow's  tail  came  down 
inter  it  ag'in,  he  closes  on  it  like  b'ar  trap.  Did  that  cow 
beller  ?  Some,  I  think.  An'  then  she  guv  one  jmnp  an' 
ole  Teetotaller  come  out'n  that  spring  's  'f  he  had  been 
fired  out'n  a  cannon.  An'  roim'  that  lot  they  went,  the 
cow  a  bellerin'  an'  humpin'  her  back,  an'  lookin'  's  if  the 
worthlessness  of  this  h'yer  mundane  spear  hed  never 
struck  'er  so  forc'ble  afore,  while  Teetotaller  were  a  takin' 
up  the  slack  in  'er  tail  about  a  foot  at  every  jump.  They 
hedn't  made  more'n  one  circuit  o'  the  lot  afore  the  pick'rel 
had  put  hisself  outside  o'  all  that  cow's  tail,  but  in  makin' 
a  grab  fur  'er  rump,  he  missed  his  holt  and  come  t'  th' 
ground  kerflummix. 

" '  By  the  homed  spoon !'  said  the  ole  squire,  '  that  set- 
tles Teetotaller !' 

"  We  runned  over  't  whar  he  fell,  'spectm',  o'  course,  t' 
fin'  him  deader'n  a  June  shad.  But,  boys — ^you  may  ask 
the  squire,  'n  he'll  tell  you  the  same  thing— if  that  diu-n 
fish  wa'n't  a  raism'  up  and  tryin'  to  see  which  way  that  cow 


52  MAUD  MTJLLEB. 

had  gone,  an  a  spittin'  out  cow's  hair  enough  to  mix  a 
hod  o'  plaster,  I  hope  I'll  never  see  the  hack  o'  my  neck! 
One  o'  Teetotaller's  eyes  were  out,  and  there  were  a  hand- 
ful 'r  two  o'  meat  scooped  out'n  his  back ;  but  we  carried 
him  t'  th'  spring  an'  put  him  in,  an'  'twere  all  we  k'd  do  to 
keep  him  from  jumpin'  out  'n  goin'  cross-lots  arter  that 
cow,  he  were  so  dum  mad  an  dis'p'inted.  He  got  quieted 
down  in  time,  hut  that  cow  never  went  within  ten  rod  o' 
the  spring  after  that.  The  pick'rel,  I'm  tellin'  you,  is  a 
dum  teenaishus  and  voraishus  insec'." 

And  no  one  offered  to  dispute  the  superiority  of  Uncle 
JeiTy's  favorite. 

"But,  Uncle  Jerry,"  said  one  of  us,  "what  ever  became 
of  TeetotaUer  ?    Is  he  hving  yet  V 

"  No,  boys,  he  a'n't.  His  voraishusness  were  too  many 
fur  his  teenaishusness.  Th'  ole  squire  got  t'  thinkin'  a 
couple  year  ago  that  the  dum  fish  were  costiu'  a  good  deal 
to  keep,  so  he  cut  down  his  rations  to  eight  quarts  o'  thick 
milk  and  ten  poun's  o'  liver  a  day.  You'd  nat'rally  s'pose 
that  were  'nuff  for  any  fish.  Now,  a  catfish'd  live  to  be  a 
thousan'  year  ole  on  that  fodder.  But  Teetotaller's  con- 
stitution required  a  considerable  nourishment,  an'  one 
momin'  'bout  three  months  arter  the  reduced  rations  com- 
menced they  found  him  floatin'  in  the  spring  wi'  his  belly 
turned  t'  th'  sun.  He  were  deader'n  a  snared  pheasant. 
The  ole  squire  sed  he'd  been  pizened.  There  wa'n't  no 
more  pizen  'bout  him  th'n  they  is  'bout  a  garter  snake.  He 
were  starved  to  death,  boys,  he  were,  certain !" 


MAUD  MULLER. 

DUTCH  DIALECT. 

Maud  Muller,  von  summer  afternoon 
Yas  dending  bar  in  her  fadder's  saloon. 

She  solt  dot  bier,  und  singed  "  Shoo  Fly," 
Und  vinked  at  der  men  mit  her  lefd  eye. 


MAUD  MULLEE.  53 

But  ven  she  looked  oud  on  der  shdreed, 

Und  saw  dem  gals  all  dressed  so  shweed. 
Her  song  gifed  out  on  a  ubber  note, 

Cause  she  had  such  a  hoss  in  her  troat ; 
Und  she  vished  she  had  shdamps  to  shpend. 

So  she  might  git  such  a  Grecian  Bend. 
Hans  Brinker  Talked  shlowly  down  der  shdreed, 

ShmiUa'  at  all  der  gals  he'd  meed ; 
Old  Hans  vas  rich — as  I  been  dold, — 

Had  houses  und  lots,  und  a  barrel  of  gold. 
He  shdopped  py  der  door,  und  pooty  soon 

Ho  valked  righd  indo  dot  bier  saloon. 
TJnd  he  vinked  at  Maud,  und  said,  "  My  Dear, 

Gif  me,  of  you  pblease,  a  glass  of  bier." 
She  vend  to  der  pblace  vere  der  bier  keg  shtood, 

Und  pringed  him  a  glass  dot  vas  fresh  und  goot. 
"Dot's  goot,"  said  Hans,  "dot's  a  better  drink 

As  effer  I  had  in  mine  life,  I  dink." 
He  dalked  for  a  vhile,  den  said,  "  Goot  day," 

Und  up  der  shdreet  he  dook  his  vay. 
Maud  hofed  a  sigh,  and  said,  "  Oh,  how 

I'de  like  to  been  dot  olt  man's  frow. 
Such  shplendid  close  I  den  vood  vear, 

Dot  all  the  gals  around  vood  shdare. 
In  dot  Central  Park  I'd  drive  all  tay, 

Und  efory  evenin'  go  to  der  blay. 
Hans  Brinker,  doo,  felt  almighty  gweer, 

(But  dot  mite  peen  von  trinkin'  beer.) 
Und  he  says  to  himself,  as  he  valked  along, 

Hummin'  der  dune  of  a  olt  lofe  song, 
"  Dot's  der  finest  gal  I  efer  did  see,  , 

Und  I  vish  dot  she  my  wife  cood  be." 
But  here  his  solillogwy  came  to  an  end. 

As  he  dinked  of  der  gold  dot  she  might  shbend ; 
Und  he  maked  up  his  mind  dot  as  for  him, 

He'd  marry  a  gal  mit  lots  of  "  din." 
So  he  vent  righd  off  dot  fcry  day, 

Und  married  a  vooman  olt  und  gray. 
He  vishes  now,  but  all  in  vain. 

Dot  he  vas  free  to  marry  again ; 


54  MR.   ROGERS  AND  MONSIEUR  DENISE. 

Free  as  he  vas  dot  afdemoon, 

Yen  he  med  Maud  Muller  in  der  bier  saloon. 
Maud  married  a  man  -without  some  "soap" — 

He  vas  lazy  doo — but  she  did  hope 
Dot  he'd  get  bedder  when  shildren  came ; 

But  vhen  dey  had,  he  vas  yoost  der  same. 
Und  ofden  now  dem  dears  viU  come, 

As  she  sits  alone  ven  her  day's  vork's  done, 
Und  dinks  of  der  day  Hans  called  her  "  my  dear," 

Und  asked  her  for  a  glass  of  bier; 
But  she  don'd  comblain,  nor  efer  has, 

Und  oney  says,  "  Dot  coodn't  vas." 


MR.  ROG-ERS  AND  MONSIEUR  DENISE. 

A  CELEBRATED   COMIC  EECITATION. 

At  Abbeville  I  resolved  to  pass  the  night ;  on  entering 
the  public  room  I  perceived  two  persons  at  the  farther  end 
quarrehng.  These  were  Mr.  Eogers,  a  countryman  of  my 
own,  in  a  sickly  state  of  health,  who  was  traveling  to  Calais 
by  easy  stages,  and  was  advised  by  his  physicians  by  all 
means  to  avoid  quarrels  and  causes  of  irritation  and  annoy- 
ance ;  the  other  was  Mons.  Denise,  who,  out  of  pure  friend- 
ship, had  accompanied  him  all  the  way  from  Paris,  and 
was  to  return  the  next  day  to  deliver  a  course  of  lectures 
on  England  and  its  Language.  They  had  a  sincere  regard 
for  each  other,  and  the  only  cause  for  disagreement  be- 
tween them  was  Mr.  Rogers'  entire  disregard  of  the  French 
language.  Denise,  whose  ideas  of  the  dehcacies  of  the 
French  pronimciation  led  him  continually  to  correct  the 
errors  of  his  friend;  and  as  he  was  continually  at  it,  it  had 
become  a  regular  system ;  Mr.  Rogers,  from  his  bad  state 
of  health,  was  so  little  able  to  bear  an  irritation  of  temper, 
or,  as  we  say,  a  wearing  of  the  spirits,  that  it  had  come  to 
an  open  rupture ;  and  as  I  entered  the  room  they  were  just 
on  the  point  of  reconcihation,  after  a  suitable  concession 
on  the  part  of  Mons.  Denise.    A  mutual  friend  had  just 


MR.   ROGERS  AKD  MONSIEUR  DENISE.  55 

brought  about  a  reconciliation,  but  it  was  on  an  under- 
standing that  Mons.  Denise  should  not  once  more  interrupt 
his  friend, — Rogers  had  given  him  his  hand,  and  was 
addressing  him  thus  : 

"  There  !  it's  all  over  now — don't  be  at  it  any  more — 
never  mind — what  does  it  matter  now  whether  I  say  u,  or 
eu  f — How  can  you  do  so  ? — why  do  you  perpetually  tor- 
ment me  with  u  and  e-se  ?" 

"Mais,  Monsieur  Bogere,  my  dear  fren,  Mons.  Bogere, 
voulez  vous  avou"  la  deUcatesse  de  parler  comme  il  faut — 
dites  eus,  pas  use,  la  delicatesse." 

"  Dehcate  fiddlestick !  now,  how  can  you  expect  me  to 
go  about  all  day  twisting  my  mouth  up  as  if  I  was  blowing 
in  a  fife  f  Youll  be  the  death  of  me  with  your  infernal 
ouse  and  ees.  Now  do  you  drop  the  subject  I  or  I  will  go 
out  of  the  room." 

The  conversation  continued  about  an  hour,  dming  which 
time  Mr.  Rogers  barbarously  murdered  several  French 
words.  Denise  sat  riding  on  his  chair,  with  most  heroic 
fortitude,  suppressing  his  critical  propensities ;  at  last,  Mr. 
Rogers  had  occasion  to  mention  a  person  who  was  well 
known,  which  he  pronoimced  bane  cano  ;  at  which  Denise, 
rising  from  his  chair : 

"  Oh,  sacre !  I  bear  great  deal — ^but  dat  is  too  much. 
0 !  my  dear  fren,  Mons.  Rogere,  I  promise  not  to  correct 
you  any  more — you  say  cano.  Ah,  voulez  vous,  you  should 
say  bien  connue — euf,  e-u-f.  Monsieur  Rogere,  dat  is  forty- 
eight  mistakes  you  make  since  you  leave  Paris." 

"Devil  take  it!  there,  you  are  at  it  again!  you  are 
determined  to  be  the  death  of  me — and  if  you  come  to 
that  you  shouldn't  call  me  Bogere,  when  my  name  is 
Rogers." 

Denise  drew  a  paper  from  his  pocket,  and  began  to 
eniynerate  and  expatiate  on  the  enormity  of  the  other 
forty-seven.  Rogers,  gaining  strength  from  despair,  seized 
a  candlestick  in  one  hand,  and  his  friend's  hand  in  the 


56  MB.   ROGERS  AM)  MONSIEUR  DENISE. 

other,  saying :  "  Ay,  I  see  you  are  bent  upon  killing  m»— 
good-night,  I  am  going  to  bed ;  you'll  be  on  your  journey 
back  to  Paris  in  the  morning  before  I  rise — good-by ;  we 
shall  not  see  each  other  a  long  time  again — perhaps  never. 
Let's  part  good  Mends — good-night !" 

"Ah,  Monsieur  Rogers,  my  dear  friend,  bon  voyage, 
Monsieur ;  adieu.  Monsieur  Eogere." 

"Aditj  Denis!"  rephed  Rogers,  and  immediately  left 
the  room.  Denise,  at  this  pronunciation,  walked  back- 
wards and  forwards,  groaning  most  piteously. 

After  supper,  on  inquiring  for  a  bed,  I  was  informed  the 
only  one  to  spare  was  in  a  double-bedded  room,  occupied 
by  my  countryman,  Rogers.  There  was  no  alternative,  and 
I  was  obhged  to  accept  it.  About  three  in  the  morning  I 
was  awakened  by  a  tremendous  knocking  at  the  door. 
"Who  is  there?" 

"  Pardonnez  moi,  Messieurs !  Ah,  ah,  Monsieur  Eogere !" 
{Knocking.) 

' '  Who's  there  ?    What  do  you  want  ?" 

"  It  is  not  you  I  want,  sare,  go  to  your  sleep.  Go  to 
your  sleep,  sare,  it  is  my  fiiend  Monsieur  Eogere  I  want. 
Where  de  devil  shall  I  find  him  I  it  as  as  dark  as  de  pitch." 
{StiU  IcnocJdng.) 

"  Your  friend,  Mr.  Rogers,  is  in  this  room  ;  shall  I  wake 
him?" 

"  No,  sare,  do  not  give  yourself  de  trouble  to  wake,  I 
shall  wake  him  myself.  {Still  knocking.)  Go  to  your 
sleep  :  I  have  wake  seven  gentlemen  this  night,  not  one 
of  which  shall  be  him." 

At  which  Rogers  got  out  of  bed  and  opened  the  door, 
saying,  "Holloa !  what's  the  matter  ?  who's  there  ?" 

"  Ah,  Monsieur  Eogere  /" 

"  What,  it's  you,  Denis,  is  it?  what  the  devil  can  you 
want  at  this  time  of  night  ?  ay,  you  eternal  torment,  you 
wet  blanket,  you  croaking  raven." 

"  Ah !  Monsieur  Eogere^  my  dear  friend,  last  night  you 


BIN  DEUTSCHES  LIED.  57 

say  to  mc,  Adiu  Denis  !  Voulez-vous  should  say,  Adi-e-u 
Deniso  I  i-s-e,  a-d-i-e-u  D-e-n-i-s-e  !" 

"  Oh,  tho  devil !  what,  are  you  at  it  again  ?  Am  I  to  be 
deprived  of  my  natural  rest  for  your  infernal  o-u-s-e  and 
e-s-e  ?" 

"  Ah,  Monsieur  Bogere,  my  dear  Mend,  I  promise  not  to 
correct  you  any  more ;  but  I  could  not  get  a  wink  of  my 
sleep  for  fear  you  should  forget  this  is  the  forty-ninth  mis- 
take you  make  since  you  left  Paris.  Adieu,  Monsieur 
Eogere,  adieu,  my  dear  friend ;  bon  voyage." 

Poor  Denise  having  eased  his  mind  of  the  burden  that 
had  oppressed  him  during  the  early  part  of  the  night,  now 
took  his  leave,  and  in  the  morning  I  followed  his  example. 


EIN  DEUTSCHES  LIED. 

APABODT  ON  "  EXCEL8IOB." — DUTCH  DIAIOCCT. 

The  schades  of  night  vas  falling  down, 
Offer  der  roofs  in  dis  'ere  town, 
Ven  up  der  schtreet  vas  valking  slow 
A  Deitscher  gal  vich  I  did  know. 
Von  Germany. 

I  saw  her,  und,  mit  a  pooty  quick  step, 
I  got  me  right  avay  imd  zoon  ve  met, 
Und  duming  round  she  said  to  me, 
"  Vas !  Groupie  John  in  dis  gountry  f 
My  koodness." 

Ve  valked  along  und  mit  much  joy. 
She  cried  out  "  there's  the  very  poy 
Vat  I  vaited  pooty  long  to  see ; 
Toust  one  minute,"  she  said  to  me, 
"  Exkooze  me." 

Of  gourse  I  don't  vos  can  refuse, 
Und  didn't  vos  got  nudder  vay  to  choose; 
So  rite  avay  quick  she  makes  a  how, 
Und  left  me  standing  dhcre  somehow, 
I  don't  can  told  you. 


HANS  AND  FRITZ. 

'Dwas  der  longest  mintite  I  ever  seed, 
Pefore  nor  pehint  so  longer's  I  leifed ; 
I  strained  mine  eyes  mit  all  mine  might, 
Und  saw  her  almost  out  of  sight 
Mit  der  veller. 

Dnnder  und  bllxen !  vasn't  I  mad ; 
Of  I  hat  dat  veller  I  boimch  his  'ead; 
So  quick  as  I  getch  'im,  I  dolt  you  so, 
I  maker  his  eye  so  placker  ash  plue. 
I  dolt  you  dot ! 

I  dolt  you  yoosh  vat  I  shall  do, 

I  drowns  myself,  und  so  vould  you ; 

I  make  me  rite  avay  to  de  river,  bolt. 

But  I  dinks  me  youst  now  der  vater's  too  colt. 

I  vaits  till  zommer. 
But  exberience  und  visdom  must  alvays  be  pought. 
It  vas  yoost  so  goot  Deitch  gals  ash  ejffer  vos  kot ; 
Und  I  von't  drown  myself  for  Katherine  yet, 
Pekause  I  finds  me  der  vater's  too  vet, 

Yot  a  heebies  vot  a  gountry. 


HANS  AND  FRITZ. 

BY  C.  F.  ADAMS. 

Hans  and  Fritz  were  two  Deutschers  Tgho  lived  side  by  side, 
Remote  from  the  world,  its  deceit  and  its  pride ; 
"With  their  pretzels  and  beer  the  spare  moments  were  spent, 
And  the  fruits  of  their  labor  were  peace  and  content. 

Hans  purchased  a  horse  of  a  neighbor  one  day. 
And,  lacking  a  part  of  the  geld — as  they  say — 
Made  a  call  upon  Fritz  to  solicit  a  loan 
To  help  him  to  pay  for  his  beautiful  roan. 

Fritz  kindly  consented  the  money  to  lend, 
And  gave  the  required  amount  to  his  friend; 
Remarking — ^his  own  simple  language  to  quote — 
"  Berhaps  it  vas  bedder  ve  make  us  a  note." 


THE  FRENCHMAN  AND  THE  LANDLORD.      59 

The  note  was  drawn  up  in  their  primitive  way — 
"  I,  Hans,  gets  from  Fritz  feefty  tollars  to-day" — 

When  the  question  arose,  the  note  being  made, 
"  Yich  von  holds  dot  baper  until  it  vas  baidt" 

"  Tou.geeps  dot,"  says  Fritz,  "  und  den  you  viU  know 
Ton  owes  me  dot  money."    Says  Hans  "  Dot  ish  so ; 
Dot  makes  me  remempers  I  haf  dot  to  bay, 
Und  I  pnngs  you  der  note  und  der  money  some  day." 

A  month  had  expired,  when  Hans,  as  agreed. 
Paid  back  the  amount,  and  from  debt  he  was  freed. 
Says  Fritz,  "Now  dot  settles  us."    Hans  replied,  "Taw; 
Now  who  dakes  dot  baper  accordings  by  law  T" 

"  I  geeps  dot,  now,  aind't  it  ?"  says  Fritz ;  "  den  you  see 
I  alvays  remempers  you  baid  dot  to  me." 
Says  Hans,  "  Dot  ish  so,  it  vas  now  shust  so  blain 
Dot  I  knows  vot  to  do  ven  I  porrows  again." 


THE  FRENCHMAN  AND  THE 
LANDLORD. 

OOMIO  FBKNCH  DIAL£CT  BECITATION. 

A  shrewd  and  wealthy  old  landlord,  away  down  in 
Maine,  Is  noted  for  driving  his  "  sharp  bargains,"  by  which 
he  has  amassed  a  large  amount  of  property.  He  is  the 
owner  of  a  large  munber  of  dwelling-houses,  and  it  is  said 
of  him  that  he  is  not  over-scrupulous  of  his  rental  charges, 
whenever  he  can  find  a  customer  whom  he  knows  to  be 
responsible.  His  object  is  to  lease  his  house  for  a  term  of 
years  to  the  best  tenants,  and  get  the  uttermost  farthing 
in  the  shape  of  rent. 

A  diminutive  Frenchman  called  on  him  last  winter,  to 
hire  a  dwelling  he  ovraed  in  Portland,  and  which  had  long 
remained  empty.  References  were  given,  and  the  land- 
lord, ascertaining  that  the  tenant  was  a  man  "  after  his  own 
heart,"  immediately  commenced  to  "  Jew  "  him.    He  found 


60  THE  FRENCHMAlf  A2(rD  THE  LANDLORD. 

that  the  tenement  appeared  to  suit  the  Frenchman,  and  he 
placed  an  exorbitant  price  upon  it ;  the  leases  were  drawn 
and  duly  executed,  and  the  tenant  removed  into  his  ncTt 
quarters. 

Upon  kindling  fires  in  the  house,  it  was  found  that  the 
chimneys  wouldn't  "draw,"  and  the  building  was  filled 
with  smoke.  The  window-sashes  rattled  in  the  wind  at 
night,  and  the  cold  air  rushed  through  a  hundred  crevices 
about  the  house  until  now  unnoticed.  The  snow  melted 
upon  the  roof,  and  the  attics  were  drenched  from  the 
leakage.  The  rain  pelted,  and  our  Frenchman  found  a 
"  natm-al"  bath-room  upon  the  second  floor — but  the  lease 
was  signed  and  the  landlord  chuckled. 

"  I  have  been  vat  you  sail  call '  suck  in,'  vis  zis  dam 
maison/^  muttered  our  victim  to  himself  a  week  after- 
wards, '^  but  nHmporte,  ve  sal  see  vat  ve  sal  see." 

Next  morning  he  arose  bright  and  early,  and  passing 
down  he  encountered  the  landlord. 

"  Ah,  ha ! — Bon  jour,  monsieur,"  said  he,  in  his  happiest 
manner. 

"  Good-day,  sir.    How  do  you  like  your  house  I" 

"  Ah !  monsieur — elegant,  beautiful,  magnificent.  Eh 
Men,  monsieur,  I  have  ze  one  regret !" 

"Ah!  What  is  that?" 

"  I  sal  Uve  in  zat  house  but  tree  little  year." 

"How  so?" 

"  I  have  find  by  vot  you  call  ze  lease,  zat  you  have  give 
me  ze  house  but  for  tree  year,  and  I  ver  mooch  sorrow 
for  zat." 

"  But  you  can  have  it  longer  if  you  wish — " 

"  Ah,  monsieur,  sal  be  ver  mooch  glad  if  I  can  have  zat 
house  so  long  as  I  please — eh — ^monsieur  ?" 

"  Oh,  certainly,  certainly,  sir." 

"  Tres  Men,  monsieur !  I  sal  valk  rite  to  your  offees,  an 
you  sal  give  me  vot  you  caU  ze  lease  for  that  maisonjes  so 
long  as  I  sal  vant  tJie  house.    Eh,  monsieur  ?" 


DEACON  THRUSH  IN  MEETDTG.  61 

"  Certainly,  sir.    You  can  stay  there  your  lifetime,  if  you 

lilce." 

"  Ah,  monsieur — I  have  ver  mooch  tanks  for  zis  accom- 
modation." 

The  old  lease  was  destroyed  and  a  new  one  was  deUv- 
ered  in  form  to  the  French  gentleman,  giving  him  posses- 
sion of  the  premises  for  "  such  a  period  as  the  lessee  may 
desire  the  same,  he  paying  the  rent  promptly,  etc." 

The  next  morning  our  crafty  landlord  was  passing  the 
house  just  as  the  Frenchman's  last  load  of  furniture  was 
being  started  from  the  door ;  an  horn"  afterwards,  a  mes- 
senger called  on  him  with  a  legal  tender,  for  the  rent  for 
eight  days,  accompanied  with  a  note  as  follows : 

"  Monsieur — I  have  been  smoke — I  have  been  drouned 
— I  have  been  frees  to  death,  in  ze  house  vat  I  av  hue  of 
you  for  ze  period  as  I  may  desire.  I  have  stay  in  ze  dam 
house  jes  so  long  as  I  please,  and  ze  bearer  of  zis  vill  give 
you  ze  key  !    Bon  jour,  monsieur." 

It  is  needless  to  add  that  our  landlord  has  never  since 
been  known  to  give  up  ''  a  bird  in  the  hand  for  one  in  the 
bush."  

DEACON  THRUSH  IN  MEETING-. 

LETTEB  FBOH  HANNAH  BBOWM  TO  BIBrrEB  HTnj>AH.— TBOH  HABFEB'S  BAZAB. 

Dear  Hxtldt:  I  must  tell  you  'bout  the  way  that  our  new  deacon 
Has  sot  the  church  folks  by  the  ears — to  use  that  mode  o'  speakin'. 
It's  just  that  orful  voice  of  his'n —    But,  law !  I'd  best  begin 
And  teU  my  story  straight  ahead,  or  else  things  won't  fit  in. 
Last  spring  we  thought  that  we  was  blessed,  to  think  that  Deacon 
Thrush  | 

"Was  comin'  up  from  Simpkinsville  to  live  in  Cedarbmsh. 
"  He'll  be  a  piller  in  our  church,!'  says  father,  the  first  thing. 
I  wish  he  was  a  piller,  Huldy,  for  then  he  couldn't  sing. 
He  bought  the  Joneses'  farm,  you  know,  and  moved  in  last  of  May, 
But  that  first  time  he  come  to  church — I  can't  forgit  that  day. 
The  openin'  hymn  was  skursly  read,  the  choir  was  just  a-risin', 
When  everybody  turned  and  looked,  a  sound  came  so  surprisin'. 


62  DEACON  THRTJSH  IN  MEETING. 

'Twas  somethin'  like  the  old  church  bell,  'twas  somethin'  like  the 

ocean, 
'Twas  most  like  'Bijah  Morrow's  bull,  accordin'  to  my  notion. 
It  fairly  drowned  my  playin'  out ;  it  left  the  tune  behind : 
I  never  thought  that  such  a  voice  could  come  from  human  kind. 
Like  thunder-claps  and  factory  gear  through  all  our  heads  'twas 

ringin', 
And,  Huldy,  it  was  nothin'  else  than  Deacon  Thrush  a-singin' ! 
Tes,  there  he  sot,  with  book  in  hand,  as  peaceful  and  as  calm 
As  if  he  thought  his  dooty  lay  in  murd'rin'  that  poor  psalm. 
He  never  see  the  old  folks'  smiles,  he  never  heerd  the  giggle 
That  went  up  from  the  gallery.    I  watched  our  parson  wriggle 
And  fidget  in  the  pulpit,  whUe  poor  father's  head  was  shakia'; 
But  on  went  Deacon  Thrush,  and  seemed  real  comfort  to  be  takin'. 
And  when  we  stopped  he  couldn't  stop,  he'd  got  sech headway  on! 
His  voice  went  boomin'  up  and  down,  and  flattin'  so  forlorn 
That,  though  he  tried  to  choke  it  off,  it  mixed  up  with  the  text, 
And  made  poor  Parson  Edwards  skip  his  words,  and  then  look 

vexed. 
I  couldn't  hear  that  sermon,  Huldy ;  my  thoughts  was  all  astray, 
A-wonderin'  ef  Deacon  Thrush  would  sing  agen  that  day. 
I  might  have  spared  my  thinkin',  though,  for  that  misguided 

man 
Just  started  off  the  same  old  way  before  the  rest  began. 
But  when  the  second  verse  was  reached,  the  choir  put  down  their 

books ; 
I  stopped  my  playin' ;  back  and  forth  we  cast  despairin'  looks ; 
The  boys  set  up  to  laugh  agen ;  the  parson  raised  his  hand 
And  shouted,  but  the  noise  was  sech  we  couldn't  understand ; 
WMle  Deacon  Thrush  was  leanin'  back,  his  eyelids  nearly  closin', 
A-singin'  like  an  angel  on  a  bed  of  clouds  reposin'. 
Ill  have  to  cut  my  story  short.    I^ext  day  they  called  a  meetin', 
Kesolved  to  keep  poor  Deacon  Thrush  sech  singin'  from  repeatin'. 
They  'p'inted  Uncle  Job  to  go  with  father  and  request 
That  Deacon  Thrush  would  kindly  leave  the  singin'  to  the  rest. 
Perhaps  you  think  he  took  the  hint  ?    Then,  Huldy,  you're  mis- 
taken. 
He  listened  till  they'd  said  their  say,  then,  with  the  smiles  a- 

breakin'. 


SCHNEIDEB'S  TOMATOES.      .  63 

He  answered,  jest  as  cheerfully,  "  Tea,  brethering — ^yes,  I  know 
I  have  my  faults :  I  sometimes  git  the  tune  a  leetle  slow, 
And  sometimes,  tryin'  to  ketch  up,  I  take  an  extry  flight, 
But  takin'  one  verse  with  the  next,  that  makes  things  jest  come 

right. 
Now  when  you  ask  me  not  to  sing,  why,  breth'ring,  I  can't  do  it : 
Singin'  's  my  dooty  and  delight,  and  I  must  jest  pursue  it. 
And  while  I  tread  this  vale  of  tears,  a  sinful  child  of  dust, 
Kejoicin'  is  my  privilege — ^rejoice  I  will  and  must." 

"Well,  'twan't  no  use,  as  Uncle  Job  and  father  said  next  dayj 
The  deacon,  though  a  pious  man,  was  sot  in  his  own  way. 
He's  sung  in  meetin'  ever  sence — there's  not  a  seat  to  spare; 
And,  oh !  sech  sinful  whisperin'  and  nudgui'  everywhere ! 
Then,  when  the  hymns  is  given  out,  you'll  hear  a  gineral "  Hush !" 
While  everybody's  eyes  and  ears  is  turned  to  Deacon  Thrush. 
He's  skeered  the  little  children  so  that  most  of  'em  keeps  cryin' ; 
The  very  horses  in  the  shed  won't  stand  no  more  'thout  tyin' ; 
He  makes  the  onconverted  laugh,  while  godly  souls  are  grievin', 
And  yet  he's  such  a  Christian  man,  it's  almost  past  beUevin' ; 
They're  talkin'  now  of  tryin'  law,  but  father  he  opposes. 
And  8o  I'll  write  agen  next  week  to  teU  you  how  it  closes. 

P.S. 
Oh,  Huldy  f  sech  a  cur'us  thing !    As  Deacon  Thrush  was  bringin* 
His  apples  home,  he  thought  to  cheer  the  way  by  sacred  singin'. 
His  team  took  fright  and  ran  away.   The  neighbors  found  him  lyin' 
All  in  a  heap,  and  took  him  home,  and  now  the  good  man's  dyin'. 
And,  Huldy,  ef  it  isn't  wrong,  I'm  glad  to  think  he's  goin' 
Where  aU  the  folks  know  how  to  sing,  and  he  can  get  a  showin'. 


SCHNEIDER'S  TOMATOES. 

BT  CHAB.  T.  ADAMS. 

Schneider  is  very  fond  of  tomatoes.  Schneider  has  a 
friend  in  the  country  who  raises  "  garden  sass  and  sich." 
Schneider  had  an  invitation  to  visit  his  friend  last  week, 
and  regale  himself  on  his  favorite  vegetable.  His  friend 
Pfeiflfer  being  busy  negotiating  with  a  city  produce  dealer 


64  DEITSCHE  ADVEETISEMENT. 

on  his  arrival,  Schneider  thought  he  would  take  a  stroll  in 
the  garden  and  see  some  of  his  favorites  in  their  pristine 
beauty.  We  will  let  him  tell  the  rest  of  his  story  in  his 
own  language. 

"  VeU,  I  valks  shust  a  hddle  vhile  roundt,  when  I  sees 
some  of  dose  dermarters  vot  vos  so  red  und  nice  as  I  ncfer 
dit  see  anymore,  und  I  dinks  I  viU  put  mineself  outside  about 
a  gouple-a-tozen,  shust  to  geef  me  a  hddle  abbedite  vor 
dinner.  So  I  bulls  off  von  ov  der  reddest  imd  pest  lookin' 
of  dose  dermarters,  und  dakes  a  pooty  goot  bite  out  of  dot, 
und  vas  chewing  it  oup  pooty  quick,  ven — ^by  chiminy ! — 
I  dort  I  had  a  peese  ov  red-hot  goals  in  mine  mout,  or  vas 
chewing  oup  dwo  or  dree  bapers  of  needles ;  und  I  velt  so 
pad,  already,  dot  mine  eyes  vas  vool  of  tears,  und  I  mate 
vor  an  '  olt  oken  bucket'  vot  I  seen  "hanging  in  der  veil,  as 
I  vas  goomin'  along. 

"  Shust  den  mine  vriend  Pfeiffer  game  oup  und  ask  me 
vot  mate  me  veel  so  pad,  und  if  any  of  mine  vamily  vas 
dead.  I  dold  him  dot  I  vos  der  only  von  ov  der  vamUy 
dot  vas  pooty  sick ;  und  den  I  ask  him  vot  kind  of  der- 
marters dose  vas  vot  I  hat  shust  been  bicking ;  unt,  mine 
cracious,  how  dot  landsman  laughft,  und  said  dot  dose  vas 
red  peppers  dot  he  vas  raising  vor  bepper-sauce.  You  pet 
my  hfe  I  vas  mat.  I  radder  you  give  me  feefty  tollars  as 
to  eat  some  more  of  dose  bepper-sauce  dermarters." 


DEITSCHE  ADVERTISEMENT. 

BY  O.  TOLEH  'WOLFE. 

Mine  horse  is  shloped,  and  I'm  avraid 
He  has  been  taken,  shtolen  or  shtrayed ; 
Mine  pig  plack  horse  dat  looks  so  sphry, 
Pout  fourteen  odor  twelve  hands  high ; 
He  hash  been  got  shoot  four  feet  plack, 
Mit  shtriped  shpots  aU  down  his  pack, 
Two  legs  before  and  two  behind — 


DEITSCHB  ADVERTISEMENT.  65 

Pe  sure  you  keep  all  this  in  mind. 

He's  plaok  all  over,  dat  is  true, 

All  but  his  vace,  and  dat's  plack  too ; 

He  drots  and  ganters,  vaux  and  paces, 

And  outvorks  Pekepub  in  draces ; 

And  ven  he  gallops  in  der  shtreet 

He  vaux  upon  his  legs  and  feet ; 

Von  leg  goes  down,  and  den  the  oder, 

Und  always  follows  von  anoder ; 

He  hash  two  ears  shtuck  'pon  his  head, 

Bote  of  dem's  neider  vite  nor  red. 

But  bote  aUke,  shust  von  you  see, 

Ish  placker  than  the  oder  pe ; 

He's  got  two  eyes  dat  looks  vonvay. 

Only  he  lost  one  toder  day, 

So,  ven  you  vonts  to  take  a  ride, 

Shump  on  his  pack  on  toder  side. 

And  it  is  shust  as  gospel  dme. 

His  eye  vat's  plind  will  not  see  you. 

His  dail's  pehind  him  long  and  shleek, 

Only  I  cut  him  off  last  veek, 

Und  derefore  'tis  not  any  more 

As  half  so  longer  as  pefore. 

He  cocks  his  ear  and  look  so  gay, 

Und  vill  not  shtart  and  run  avay, 

But  ven  he's  scart,  he  make  von  shpring, 

Und  shumps  apout  like  every  ding ; 

He  rides  apout  mit  chaise  and  cart, 

I  never  see  such  horse  for  smart ; 

Und  somedimes  he  go  on  de  road, 

Mitout  nopody  for  his  load 

But  pag  of  com,  and  takes  de  track, 

Mit  little  poy  upon  his  pack. 

Mine  horse  ish  not  so  very  old, 

Not  half  so  young  as  ven  he's  foaled, 

And  ven  he  gallop,  rear  or  shump. 

His  head  come  all  pefore  him  plump. 

And  den  his  dail  goes  all  pehind ; 

Put  sometimes,  ven  he  takes  a  mind, 


66  THE  TAITKEE  TTRESIDB. 

Gets  mad  and  dums  all  arormd,  be  Bhttre 
Ty  den  his  dail  goes  all  pefore. 
■Whoever  vill  my  plack  horse  got, 
Shall  pay  ten  doUars  on  the  shpot, 
And  if  he  prings  der  tief  alive, 
Yy  den  he  pays  me  twenty-five, 
Mitout  no  questions  axed  py  me. 
By  mine  advertisement  you'll  see 
I  live  out  here  by  Schneider  Gap, 

Near  Schotofflefonks. 


THE  YANKEE  FIRESIDE. 

A  CIXEBKATED  TANKZE  BECITATION. 

I  need  not  occupy  your  time  by  describing  minutely 
what  I  mean  by  a  Yankee  fireside.  It  is  suflBcient  to  say 
that  it  consists  of  one  of  those  old-fashioned  fire-places 
where  they  use  the  wood  without  spMtting  or  sawing,  and 
throw  on  fi-om  a  quarter  to  a  half  cord  of  wood  at  a  time ; 
and  where  there  is  sufficient  room  under  the  jams  for  a 
dozen  httle  children  to  sit  down  and  warm  their  little  feet 
before  going  to  bed. 

It  was  at  one  of  these  firesides  that  I  happened  to  drop 
in  on  a  cold  winter's  night,  and  witnessed  the  scene  I  am 
about  to  relate. 

The  heads  of  the  family  were  a  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jones, 
who  were  honored  that  evening  with  a  visit  fi"om  a  plain 
sort  of  a  man,  who  told  me,  in  course  of  conversation,  that 
he  teached  school  in  winter,  and  hired  out  ia  haying  time. 
"What  this  man's  name  was,  I  don't  exactly  recollect.  It 
might  have  been  Smith ;  and  for  conveniency's  sake  we 
will  call  his  name  John  Smith.  This  Mr.  Smith  brought  a 
newspaper  with  him,  which  was  printed  weekly — which 
Mr.  Jones  said,  as  it  did  not  agree  with  his  politics,  was  a 
very  weakly  consarn. 

Mr.  Jones  was  seated  on  one  side  of  an  old  pine  table, 


TUB  YANKEE  FTRESIDB.  67 

and  Mr.  Smith  on  the  other.  Mrs.  Jones  sat  knitting  in 
one  corner,  and  the  children  under  the  fire-place — some 
cracking  nuts,  others  whittling  sticlcs,  etc.  Mr.  Jones,  after 
perusing  the  paper  for  some  time,  observed  to  Mrs.  Jones, 
"  My  dear." 

Mrs.  Jones. — "WeU." 

Mb.  J. — "  It  appears — " 

Mrs.  J.—"  Well,  go  on." 

Mb.  J. — "  I  say  it  appears — ^ 

Mrs.  J. — "  Well,  law  souls !    I  heard  it ;  go  on.'* 

Mb.  J. — "  I  say  it  appears  from  a  paragraph — " 

Mbs.  J. — "  Well,  it  don't  appear  as  if  you  are  ever  goin' 
to  make  it  appear." 

Mb.  J. — "  I  say  it  appears  from  a  paragraph  in  this  pa- 
per— " 

Mrs.  J. — "  There  I  there  you  go  agin  1  Why  on  airth, 
Jones,  don't  you  out  with  it  ?" 

Mr.  J. — "  I  say  it  appears  frx)m  a  paragraph  in  this  pa- 
per that — " 

Mrs.  J. — "  Well,  I  declare,  Jones,  you  are  enough  to 
tire  the  patience  of  Job !  Why  on  airth  don't  you  out  with 
it?" 

Mb.  J. — "  Mrs.  Jones,  will  you  be  quiet  ?  If  you  get 
my  dander  up.  III  raise  Satan  round  this  house,  and  you 
know  it  tue.  Mr.  Smith,  you  must  excuse  me ;  Fm  'bhged 
to  be  a  Uttle  peremptory  to  my  wife ;  for  if  you  wasn't  here, 
she'd  hck  me  like  all  natur*.  Well,  as  I  said,  it  appears 
from  this  paper  that  Seth  Slope— you  know'd  Seth  Slope, 
that  used  to  be  round  here  V 

Mbs.  J. — "  Yes,  well,  go  on ;  out  with  it." 

Mb.  J. — "  You  know  he  went  on  a  whalin'  voyage." 

Mrs.  J.— "Yes,  well!" 

Mr.  J. — "  Well,  it  appears  he  was  setting  on  the  stam 
of  the  vessel,  when  the  vessel  give  a  lee  lurch,  and  he 
was  knocked  overboard,  and  hain't  written  to  his  friends 
since." 


68  THE  TANKEB  FTRESIDE. 

Mbs.  J. — "  La,  souls ! — you  don't  say." 

Before  going  farther,  I  "will  endeavor  to  give  you  some 
idea  of  Seth  Slope.  He  was  what  they  term,  down  east,  a 
poor  shote ;  his  principal  business  was  picking  up  chips, 
feeding  the  hogs,  etc.  I  will  represent  him  with  this  hat. 
{Puts  on  an  old  hat.) 

"  Mrs.  Jones  says  I  don't  know  nothin',  and  Mr.  Jones 
says  I  don't  know  nothin' — {laughs) — and  everybody  says 
I  don't  know  nothin';  and  I  say  I  do  know  nothin': — 
{laughs.)  Don't  I  pick  up  all  the  chips  to  make  a  fire? — 
And — and  don't  I  feed  the  hogs,  and  the  ducks,  and  the 
hens  I — (laughs.)  And  don't  I  go  down  to  the  store  every 
momin'  for  a  jug  o'  rum  ?  And  don't  I  always  take  a  good 
suck  myself?  I  don't  know  nothin' — ha  ! — {laughs.)  And 
don't  I  go  to  church  every  Sunday,  and  don't  I  go  up- 
stairs ?  and  when  the  folks  gets  asleep,  don't  I  throw  com 
at  'em,  and  wake  'em  up?  And  don't  I  see  the  fellers 
winkin'  at  the  gals,  and  the  gals  winkin'  at  the  fellers  ? 
And  don't  I  go  home  and  tell  the  old  folks  ?  And  when 
they  come  home,  don't  the  old  folks  kick  up  gooseberry 
with  'em? — (laughs.)  And  don't  I  drive  the  hogs  out  of 
the  garden  to  keep  'em  from  rootin'  up  the  taters  ?  And 
don't  I  git  asleep  there  sometimes,  and  don't  they  root  me 
up  ? — (laughs.)  And  didn't  I  see  a  fly  on  Deacon  Stokes' 
red  nose  t'other  day,  and  didn't  I  say,  '  Take  care.  Deacon 
Stokes,  youll  bum  his  feet  I'  I  don't  know  nothin',  eh  ?" 
{laugJis.) 

This  Mrs.  Jones  I  have  spoken  of  was  a  very  good  sort 
of  a  woman ;  and  Mr.  Jones  was  also  considered  a  very 
good  sort  of  a  man — but  was  rather  fond  of  the  bottle. 
On  one  occasion  I  recollect  particularly  he  had  been  to  a 
muster,  and  came  home  so  much  intoxicated  that  he  could 
hardly  stand,  and  was  obliged  to  lean  against  the  chimney- 
place  to  prevent  himself  from  falling.  And  Mrs.  Jones 
says  to  him :    "  Now,  Jones,  ain't  you  ashamed  of  yoiu*- 


THE  YANKEE  FIRESIDE.  69 

self? — Where  on  airth  do  you  think  you'd  go  to  if  you  was 
to  die  in  that  sitewation  ?" 

Jones — {very  drunk) — "Well,  I  don't  know  where  I 
should  go  to ;  but  I  shouldn't  go  fur  without  I  could  go 
faster  than  I  do  now." 

As  soon  as  Mr.  Jones  had  finished  the  paragraph  in  the 
paper,  Mrs.  Jones  threw  on  her  shawl  and  went  over  to 
her  neighbors  to  communicate  the  news.  I  will  endeavor 
to  give  a  better  idea  of  this  Mrs.  Jones  by  assuming  a 
shawl  and  cap.     {Puts  on  shawl  and  cap.) 

"  Well,  Mrs.  Smith,  I  'spose  you  hain't  heard  the  news." 
"  La,  no !  What  on  airth  is  it  ?"  "  You  recollect  Seth  Slope, 
that  use  to  be  about  here  ?"  "  Yes,  well?"  "  You  know 
he  went  out  on  a  whalin'  voyage  f"  "  Yes."  "  Weil,  it  ap- . 
pears  from  an  advartisment  in  the  paper  that  he  was  settin' 
on  the  stam  of  the  vessel,  when  the  vessel  give  a  lee  lurch, 
and  he  was  sent  overboard  and  drowned,  and  hain't  writ- 
ten to  his  Mends  since.  Oh,  dear !  it's  dreadful  to  think 
on.  Poor  crittur !  he  was  sich  a  good-natured,  clever  soul. 
I  recollect  when  ho  was  about  here,  how  he  use  to  come  in 
the  house  and  set  down,  and  get  up  and  go  out.  Then 
he'd  go  down  to  the  bam,  and  throw  some  hay  to  the  crit- 
ters, and  then  he'd  come  in  the  house  agin,  and  git  up  and 
go  out,  and  go  down  to  the  store  and  git  a  jug  of  rum,  and 
sometimes  he'd  take  a  leetle  suck  on't  himself.  But  lor 
soids !  I  never  cared  nothin'  at  all  about  that.  Good,  clev- 
er critter  1  Then  arter  he'd  come  back  with  the  nun,  he'd 
sit  down  a  httle  while,  and  git  up  and  go  out  and  pick  up 
chips,  and  drive  the  hogs  out  of  the  garden;  and  then  he'd 
come  in  the  house,  and  kick  over  the  swill-pail,  and  set 
down  and  stick  his  feet  over  the  mantel-piece,  and  whittle 
all  over  the  harth,  and  spit  tobacco-juice  all  over  the  car- 
pet, and  blow  his  nose  in  the  buckwheat  cakes,  and  make 
himself  so  sociable  I  And  poor  feUer !  now  he's  gone !  Oh, 
dear  1  Well,  Mrs.  Smith,  it  goes  to  show  that  we  are  all 
accountable  critturs  /" 


70   THE  FEENCHMAN  AKD  THE  SHEEP'S  TEOTTEES. 


THE  FRENCHMAN  AND  THE  SHEEP'S 
TROTTERS. 

A  CEL£BBAT£D  COMIC  BECITATION. 

A  Monsieur  from  the  Gallic  shore, 

Who,  though  not  over-rich,  wished  to  appear  so. 
Came  over  in  a  ship  with  friends  a  score — 
Poor  emigrants,  whose  wealth,  good  lack  I 
Dwelt  only  on  their  ragged  backs, 
"Who  thought  him  rich,  they'd  heard  him  oft  declare  so. 
For  he  was  proud  as  Satan's  self. 
And  often  bragg'd  about  his  pel^ 

And  as  a  proof — the  least 
That  he  could  give — ^he  promised  when  on  land. 
At  the  first  inn,  in  style  so  grand. 
To  givea  feast ! 
The  Frenchmen  jump'd  at  such  an  offer. 
Monsieur  did  not  forget  his  proffer ; 
But  at  the  first  hotel  on  shore. 
They  stopp'd  to  lodge  and  board; 
The  Frenchman  order'd  in  his  way 
A  dinner  to  be  done  that  day. 

But  here  occurred  a  grievous  bore : — 
Monsieur  of  English  knew  but  little, 
Tapps  of  French  knew  not  a  tittle ; 
In  ordering  dinner,  therefore,  'tis  no  wonder 
That  they  should  make  a  blunder. 
Whether  the  landlord  knew,  or  no. 
The  sequel  of  my  tale  wiU  show : 
He  blundefd,  and  it  caimot  be  denied. 
To  some  small  disadvantage  on  his  side. 
The  order  seem'd  immense  to  Boniface, 

But  more  the  expense,  to  him  the  greater  ftm ; 
For  all  that  from  the  order  he  could  trace. 
Was, — "  Messieur  BuU,  you  lettee  me  have,  I  say, 
Yich  for  vid  cash,  I  sal  you  pay. 

Fifteen  of  those  vid  vich  the  sheep  do  run  !" 
From  which  old  Tapps  could  only  understand, 
(But  whether  right  or  wrong,  cared  not  a  button,) 


THE  FEENCmtfAN  AND  THB  SHEEP'S  TROTTERS.        71 

That  what  Monsieur  desired,  with  air  so  grand, 
Was  fifteen  legs  of  mutton! 
"  A  dinner  most  enormous !"  cried  the  elf; 
"  Zounds !  each  must  eat  a  leg,  near,  to  himself  r 
However,  they  seem'd  a  set  of  hungry  curs, 
Ajid  so,  without  more  bother  or  demurs, 
Tapps  to  his  cook  his  orders  soon  express'd, 
And  fifteen  legs  of  mutton  quick  were  dressed. 
And  now  around  the  table  all  elate, 
The  Frenchman's  Mends  the  dinner  doth  await; 
Joy  sparkled  in  each  hungry  urchin's  eyes, 
When  they  beheld,  with  glad  surprise, 
Tapps  quick  appear  with  leg  of  mutton  hot, 
Smoking,  and  just  ejected  from  the  pot ! 
Laugh'd,  stared,  and  chuckled  more  and  more. 
When  two  they  saw,  then  three,  then  four! 
And  then  &  fifth  !  their  eager  glances  bless'd. 
And  then  a  sixth  !  larger  than  all  the  rest ! 
But  soon  the  Frenchman's  countenance  did  change, 
To  see  the  legs  of  mutton  on  the  table; 
Surprise  and  rage  by  turns 
In  his  face  bums, 
While  Tapps  the  table  did  arrange 
As  nice  as  he  was  able ; 

And  while  the  Frenchmen  for  the  feast  prepar'd 
Thus,  in  a  voice  that  quite  the  landlord  scar'd, 
Our  hero  said, — 
"  Mon  Dieu !  Monsieur,  vy  for  you  make 
Dis  vera  great  blundare  and  mistake  f 
Vy  for  you  bring  to  me  dese  mouton  legst* 
Tapps  with  a  bow  his  pardon  begs; — 
*'  I've  done  as  you  have  order'd,  sir,"  said  he, 
"  Did  you  not  order //<»en  legs  of  met 
Six  of  which  before  your  eyes  appear, 
And  nine  besides  are  nearly  done  down  stair ! 
Here,  John ! — "  "  Go,  hang  you  Jean  1  you  fool !  you  ass ! 
You  one  great  clown  to  bring  me  to  dis  pass; 
Take  vay  dis  meat ;  for  vich  I  sail  no  pay, 
I  did  no  order  dat :"— "  What's  that  you  say  T" 


72  VAS  BENDER  HENSHPECKED? 

Tapps  answered  with  a  frown  and  with  a  stare, 
"  You  order'd  fifteen  legs  of  me,  I'll  swear, 
Ov  fifteen  things  with  which  the  sheep  do  run, 
■WTiich  means  the  same : — I'm  not  so  easy  done." 
"  Parbleu !  Monsieur !  vy  you  no  comprehend  ? 

You  may  take  back  de  legs  unto  de  pot ; 
I  telle  you,  sare,  'tis  not  de  legs  I  vant — 

But  dese  here  leetel  tings  vid  vieh  de  sheep  do  trot  I" 
"  Why,  hang  it !"  cried  the  landlord  in  a  rage, 
"WTiich  Monsieur  vainly  tried  to  assuage, 
"  Hang  it  ?"  said  he,  as  to  the  door  he  totters : 
"  Now  after  aU  the  trouble  that  I  took. 

These  legs  of  mutton  both  to  buy  and  cook, 
It  seems  instead  oi  fifteen  legs, 
¥ou  merely  wanted  fifteen  poor  sheep's  trotters!" 


VAS  BENDER  HENSHPECKED? 

BY  ACLiAND  VON  BOYLE. — FEOM    SCBIBNEB'S   MONTHLY. 

Any  shentleman  vot  vill  go  round  peMnd  your  face,  und 
talk  in  front  of  your  back  apout  sometings,  vas  a  shvindler. 
I  beared  dot  Brown  says  veek  pefore  next  apout  me  I  vas 
a  henshpecked  buspand.  Dot  vas  a  lie  !  De  proof  of  de 
eating  vas  in  de  puddings :  I  am  married  twenty  year 
already,  und  I  vas  yet  not  paid-beaded.  I  don't  vas  oonder 
some  pettygoats  gofemments ;  sbtill  I  tinks  it  vas  petter 
if  a  feller  vill  insult  mit  his  vife  und  got  her  advices  apout 
sometings  or  oder. 

Dem  American  vomans  don't  know  sometings  nefer  about 
his  huspant's  peesness,  und  vhen  dem  hart  times  comes, 
und  not  so  much  money  comes  in  de  bouse,  dot  makes  not 
some  tiflference  mit  her.  Sbtill  she  moost  have  vone  of  dot 
pull-pack-in-de-fronthoop-skirt-pettygoats,  mit  every  kind 
trimmings.  Pooty  soon  dot  buspant  gets  pankerupted  all 
to  pieces.  Dey  send  for  de  doctor  ;  und  vhen  de  doctor 
comes  de  man  dies.    Den  dot  vomans  vas  obliged  to  many 


VAS  BENDEK  HENSHPECKEDf  73 

mit  anoder  mans  vot  she  don't  maype  like  mit  four  or  six 
sliildi-ens,  on  account  of  his  first  vife  already,  und  posso- 
bably  von  or  two  mudders-by-law — vone  second-handed, 
mid  de  oder  a  shtep-mudder-out-law.  Den  she  says  mit 
hereelf,  ^*  I  efen  vish  dot  I  vas  dead  a  little." 

Now  if  a  Chermans  goes  dead,  dot  don't  make  a  pit  of 
tifference.  Nopody  vould  hardly  know  it,  except  maype 
himself.  His  vife  goes  mit  de  peesness  on  shust  like  not- 
ings  has  happened  to  somepody. 

American  vomans  and  Cherman  vomans  vas  a  tifferent 
kind  of  peoples.  For  inshtinct,  last  year  dot  same  feller, 
Mr.  Brown,  goes  mit  me  in  de  putcher  peesness  togeder. 
He  vas  American  man — so  vas  his  vife.  Veil,  many  time 
vhen  efery  peoples  has  got  de  panic  pooty  bad,  dot  vomans 
comes  to  her  huspant  und  says  she  nwost  have  money. 
Den  she  goes  out  riding  mit  a  carriages. 

Vonce  on  a  time.  Brown  says  to  me,  "  Bender,  I  vouldn't 
be  henshpecked."  So  he  vent  off  und  got  himself  tight — 
shust  pecause  his  vife  tells  him,  blease  don't  do  dot.  Den 
he  sits  down  on  his  pack  mit  de  floor,  und  if  I  am  not  dere 
dot  time  he  never  vould  got  home. 

Veil,  dot  night,  me  und  my  vife,  ve  had  a  little  talk 
apout  sometings ;  und  de  next  tay  I  says  to  Brown,  "  Look 
here  vonst !  My  vife  she  makes  sausages,  und  vorks  in 
dot  shtoro ;  also  my  taughter  she  vorks  py  the  shtore  und 
makes  head-skeeses ;  und  your  vife  vas  going  out  riding 
all  de  times  mit  de  horses-car,  imd  a  patent-ticd-pack 
cardinal  shtriped  shtockings.  Now  yom*  vife  moost  go 
vork  in  de  shtore  and  cut  peefehteaks,  und  make  sauer- 
kraut, or  else  ve  divide  not  equally  any  more  dot  profits." 

Veil,  Brown  goes  home  und  he  tells  his  vife  apout  dot. 
Den  she  comes  pooty  quick  mit  Brown  around,  and  ve  had 
a  misundershtanding  apout  sometings,  in  vich  eferybody 
took  a  part,  including  my  leetle  dog  Kaiser.  Pooty  soon 
up  comes  a  policesmaus  und  arrests  us  for  breeches  of 
promise  to  keep  de  pieces,  und  assaulting  de  battery,  or 


74  LrFE,   LIBERTY  AXD  LAGER. 

sometings.  Den  de  firm  of  Bender  &  Brown  vas  proke  up, 
I  go  apout  my  peesness,  und  Brown  goes  mit  his  peesness. 
My  vife  she  helps  in  de  shtore.  His  vife  goes  riding  mit 
de  horses-cars,  mid  efery  nights  she  vas  py  de  theatre. 

Vot's  de  gonsequences  ?  Along  comes  dot  Centennial 
panic.  Dot  knocks  Brown  more  higher  as  two  kites,  py 
Qhimminy !  My  income  vas  shtill  more  as  my  outcome. 
But  Brown,  he  goes  'round  dot  shtreets  mit  his  hands  out 
of  his  pockets,  und  ho  don't  got  a  cent  to  his  back. 


LIFE,  LIBERTY  AND  LAG-ER. 


DtrrCH  DIALECT. 


0  vat  is  dis  has  come  to  pass? 

Dis  demberance  embarger 
Has  dook  avay  mine  fested  rights, 

Life,  liperty  mid  lager. 

De  pody  polidic  is  bored 
Mit  dis  pig  demberance  augm*, 

TJnd  let  out  aU  vat  dere  was  stored, 
life,  liperty  mid  lager. 

Mine  pody's  only  shoost  a  spout 
Vat  efery  day  grows  larger, 

Vere  efery  dime  vent  in  und  out 
life,  liperty  und  lager. 

I's  nothing  but  von  creat  big  hold, 

Eeceifer  und  tischarger, 
Dere's  nix  mitin  dey  call  a  soul 

To  sheck  de  flow  of  lager. 

Den  vat  is  life  mitout  somedings 
To  make  dis  fleisch  crow  larger  f 

Und  liberty  mitout  some  trinks, 
Bardicularly  lager  ? 

Und  vat  is  habbiness  ven  I 
Can't  go  out  on  a  bender. 


A  FKKNCHMAlf'S  ACCOimT  OF  THE  FALL.  75 

Mit  liperty,  ven  I  gets  "  high," 
To  vip  mine  ftau  und  kinder  f 

It  nsed  to  vas  dat  tay  nnd  night 

I  round  apout  vould  stagger, 
Shoost  loatet  mit,  vat  mate  me  "  tight," 

Life,  liperty  und  lager. 

I'll  fight  dese  demberance  chaps  all  night 
Mit  bricks  und  stones  und  dagger, 

Until  I  gets  mine  fested  rights, 
Life,  liperty  und  lager. 

Den  dere's  de  geeber  von  saloon^ 

So  sholly  und  so  frisky. 
Behold  bees  oggupation  gone, 

Hia  lager  und  his  whisky. 

Pecause  ven  he  shall  get  me  trunk 

Und  I  vips  Mistress  Gammage, 
Dey'U  put  him  in  the  shailor's  bunk 

UndU  he  pays  de  tammage. 

De  Pird  of  Freedom  flewd  away, 

Yen  ve  pecun  to  need  him ; 
Oh,  Lechislators !  do,  I  bray, 

Pring  pack  de  Pird  of  Freedom  I 


A  FRENCHMAN'S  ACCOUNT  OF 
THE  FALL. 

I'BKSCH  PIAI.ECT. 

"Monsieur  Adam,  he  wake  up:  he  see  une  belle  de- 
moiselle aslip  in  ze  garden.  Voil^  de  la  chance.  '  Bon 
jour,  Madam  Iv.'  Madam  Iv,  she  wake :  she  hole  her  fan 
before  to  her  face.  Adam  put  up  his  eyeglass  to  admire 
ze  tableau.  Zey  make  one  promenade.  Madam  Iv,  she 
feel  'imgry ;  she  see  appel  on  ze  arbre.  Serpent  se  prom6ne, 
BUT  Farbre,  make  one  walk  on  ze  tree.  '  Mons,  le  Serpent,' 
say  Iv,  '  weel  you  not  have  ze  bont6  to  peek  me.  some 
appel?  J'ai  £aim.'  ' Certainement,  madam/ say  ze  serpent, 


76  DEE  GOOT  LOOKIN'  SHNOW. 

'  chann6  de  vous  voir.'  '  Hol^,  mon  ami,  ar-r-r-eter  vous/ 
say  Adam;  'stop,  stop,  que  songez  vous  faire?  "What 
madness  is  zees — you  must  not  peek  ze  appel.'  Ze  snake, 
lie  take  one  pinch  of  snuff,  he  say,  '  Ah !  Mons.  Adam,  do 
you  not  know  zere  is  nothing  proheebet  for  ze  ladies? 
Madam  Iv,  permeet  me  to  offer  you  some  of  this  fruit 
defendu.'  Iv,  she  make  one  com-tezy,  ze  snake  he  fill 
her  whole  parasol  wiz  appel :  he  say,  '  Eritis  sicut  Beus. 
Mons.  Adam  he  will  eat  ze  appel,  he  will  become  like  one 
Dieu,  know  ze  good  and  ze  evil ;  but  you,  Madam  Iv,  can- 
not become  more  of  a  goddess  zan  you  are  now,'  and  zis 
finish  Madam  Iv." 


DER  GOOT  LOOKIN'  SHNOW. 

PAEOBY  ON  "  BEAUTIFUL  SNOW." — DUTCH   DIAIxECT. 

Ob,  dot  shnow,  dot  goot  looMn'  shnow, 
VMch  makes  von  der  shky  out,  on  tings  below ; 
Und  yoost  on  der  bause  vbere  der  sbingles  vas  grow. 
You  come  mit  some  coldness,  vberefer  you  go ; 
Yaltzin'  und  pblayin'  und  zinging  along, 
Goot  lookin'  sbnow,  you  dond  cood  done  wrong, 
Efen  of  you  make  on  some  oldt  gal's  scbeek, 
It  makes  noting  tifferent,  ofer  das  sbendlesom  freak. 
Goot  lookta'  sbnow,  von  der  glouds  py  der  sbky, 
Tou  vas  bully  mit  cold  vedder,  und  bully  von  bigh. 

Ob,  dot  sbnow,  dot  goot  lookin'  sbnow, 
Toost  dis  vay  und  dot  you  make  vben  you  go; 
Fblyin'  aroundt,  you  got  matness  mit  fun, 
TTnd  fbreeze  makes  der  nose  of  efery  von ; 
Lafein',  runnin',  mit  gwickness  go  py, 
Toost  sbtobbin'  a  leedle,  den  pooty  gwick  fhly ; 
Und  efen  der  togs,  dot  vas  out  in  der  vet, 
Yood  sbnab  at  der  bieces  vbicb  makes  on  dbere  bedt. 
Der  peobles  vas  grazy,  und  caddies  vood  crow 
Und  say  bow  you  vas,  you  goot  lookin'  sbnow. 


DEB  GOOT  LOOKIN'  SHNOW.  77 

TJnd  80  gwick  you  vas  dhere,  und  der  vedder  did  shnow, 
Dhey  shpeak  out  in  dones  8o  shweeder  as  low, 
TJnd  der  shleigh-riders,  too,  vas  gone  py  in  der  lite, 
Ton  dond  cood  saw  dhem,  diU  quite  out  of  site. 
Schwimmen,  shkimmen,  fhlirdin'  dhey  go 
Eecht  on  der  tob  of  dot  goot  lookin'  shnow. 
Dot  shnow  vas  vhite  glean  vhen  it  comes  der  shky  down, 
Und  yoost  so  muddy  like  mud,  vhen  it  comes  of  der 

town, 
To  been  valked  on  py  more  as  dwo  hoondret  fife  feet, 
DiU  gwick,  vas  yoost  lookin'  so  phlack  like  der  shtreet. 

Veil,  I  vas  yoost  lookin'  vonce  so  goot  like  dot  shnow. 
But  I  tumbled  me  off,  und  vay  I  did  go ; 
KTicht  so  glean,  like  der  mut  dot  growed  on  der  shtreet, 
I  vas  shcraped  von  der  poots  off,  of  der  peoples  I  meet. 
Dinkin'  und  shworin',  I  like  of  I  die. 
To  been  shtiff  like  a  mackerel  mit  no  von  to  buy, 
Vhile  I  trink  me  some  lager  to  got  a  shquare  meal, 
I  vas  a&aid  von  der  ghosts  mine  pody  vood  shteal. 
Got  in  Himmel,  how  ish  dotT    Vas  I  gone  down  so  low, 
Vhen  I  vonce  vas  so  vhitenesa  like  dot  goot  lookin' 
shnow  t 

Yah,  for  dhrue,  I  vas  told  you,  I  vas  vonce  pure  like  dot 

shnow, 
Mit  blaindy  of  lofe,  von  mine  heart  out  vas  grow ; 
I  dink  von  dhem  efery  von,  und  dhey  dink  von  me  too, 
Und  I  vas  humpugged  mit  fhladeries,  dot's  yoost  vot 
dhey  do. 
Mine  Fadder,  Mudder,  Gebruder  der  same, 
Vas  loose  me  some  sympadies,  und  forget  vonce  mine 
name, 
Und  dot  raskals  who  comes  of  me  in  der  tarkness  py  nite, 
Voot  gone  more  as  a  plocks  to  got  out  of  mine  site. 
Der  coat  von  mine  leeks,  und  poots  of  mine  toe, 
Vas  not  gleaner  as  doze  of  dot  goot  lookin'  shnow. 

It  vas  gweer  it  shood  been  dot  dot  goot  looMn'  shnow 

Vood  make  on  a  pad  mans  mit  no  vhere  to  go ; 

Und  how  gweer  it  vood  been,  vhen  yoost  pehindt  tay, 


78  MK.   SCHMIDT'S  MISTAKE. 

Ofer  der  hall  und  das  vind  mit  mine  pody  vood  pblay, 
Hobbin,  skibben,  und  me  dedt  like  an  eel — 
Mine  mat  vas  got  oop,  nefer  a  vord  cood  I  shpeil, 
To  been  zeen  py  der  peobles  who  vas  valk  ofer  der  town, 
"Who  vas  dickled  mit  pbleasnres,  of  der  shnow  vas  come 

down, 
I  yoost  lay  der  ground,  und  gone  died  mit  a  woe, 
Mit  a  pedgwilts  imd  billows,  von  der  goot  lookin'  shnow. 


MR.  SCHMIDT'S  MISTAKE. 

BY  CHAB.   F.   ADAMS. 

I  geeps  me  von  leetle  schtore  town  Proadway,  und  does 
a  pooty  goot  peesnis,  bud  I  ton't  got  mooch  gapital  to  vork 
mit,  so  I  finds  id  hard  vork  to  get  me  all  der  gredits  vot  I 
vould  like.  Last  veek  I  hear  aboud  some  goots  dot  a 
barty  vas  going  to  sell  pooty  sheap,  und  so  I  writes  dot 
man  if  he  vould  gief  me  der  refusal  of  dose  goots  for  a 
gouple  of  days.  He  gafe  me  der  refusal — dot  is,  he  salt  I 
gouldn't  haf  dem — ^but  he  salt  he  vould  gall  on  me  und 
see  mine  schtore,  und  den  if  mine  schtanding  in  peesnis 
vas  goot,  berhaps  ve  might  do  somedings  togedder.  Veil, 
I  vas  behint  mine  gounter  yesterday,  ven  a  shentleman 
gomes  in  und  dakes  me  py  der  hand  und  say :  "  Mr. 
Schmidt,  I  peheve."  I  says,  ''  Yaw,"  und  den  I  dinks  to 
mineself,  dis  vas  der  man  vot  has  dose  goots  to  sell,  und  I 
musd  dry  to  make  some  goot  imbressions  mit  him,  so  ve 
gould  do  some  peesnis.  "  Dis  vas  goot  schtore,"  he  says, 
looking  round t,  ''  bud  you  don't  got  a  pooty  pig  shtock 
already."  I  vas  avraid  to  let  him  know  dot  I  only  hat 
'bout  a  tousand  toUars  vort  of  goots  in  der  blace,  so  I  says : 
"  You  ton't  vould  dink  I  hat  more  as  dree  tousand  toUars 
in  dis  leedle  schtore,  ain't  id  ?"  He  says :  "  You  ton't  tole 
me !  Vos  dot  bossible  !"  I  says :  "  Yaw."  I  meant  dot 
id  vas  bossible,  dough  id  vasn't  so,  vor  I  vas  hke  Shorge 
Vashingtons  ven  he  cut  town  der  "olt  elm"  on  Poston 


HOME  AGADT.  79 

Gommons  mit  his  leedle  hadchet,  imd  gouldn't  dell  some 
lies  aboud  id. 

"  Veil,"  says  der  shentleman,  "  I  dinks  you  ought  to 
know  petter  as  anypody  else  vot  you  haf  got  in  der  schtore." 
Und  den  he  dakes  a  pig  book  vrom  unter  his  arm  und  say : 
"  Veil,  I  poots  you  town  vor  dree  tousand  toUars."  I  ask 
him  vot  he  means  py  "  poots  me  town,"  und  den  he  says 
he  vos  von  off  der  dax-men,  or  assessors  off  broperty,  und 
he  tank  me  so  kintly  as  nefer  vos,  pecause  he  say  I  vos 
sooch  an  honest  Deutscher,  xmd  tidn't  dry  und  sheat  der 
gofermants.  I  deUs  you  vat  it  vos,  I  tidn't  veel  any  more 
petter  as  a  hundord  ber  cent,  ven  dot  man  valks  oudt  of 
mine  schtore,  und  der  nexd  dime  I  makes  free  mit  sdran- 
gers  I  vinds  first  deir  peesnis  oudt. 


HOME  AO-AIN. 

DUTCH  DIAI£CT. 

How  schweed  to  dhink  of  home 

Und  frendts  ve  loaf  so  dear, 
Ven  ve  runned  avay  from  der  honse 

To  see  der  sights  so  quveer ; 
'Tis  den  dot  ve  look  pack 

Und  vish  dot  ve  vas  dhere, 
Und  be  greeded  vid  dot  welcome  home 

Und  vid  der  joys  to  share. 
To  see  der  fader  und  mooder, 

Und  hear  dhem  speak  vonce  more; 
Vhy,  id's  bedder  dan  gold  or  silver 

Send  from  a  foreign  shore ; 
Und  you  sid  down  by  der  fireside 

Of  dot  liddle  brown  stone  frame, 
Vhile  your  fader  mit  a  jack  und  9  dails 

On  your  back  he  vas  wriden  his  name. 
Veil,  you  don'd  care  for  to  runned  avay  again 

Und  see  der  vorld  vonce  more ; 
Ton  had  enough,  you  ain'd  no  hog, 

Ligke  you  vas  dot  dime  before. 


80  DOT  SURPRISE  PARTY. 

DOT  SURPRISE  PARTY. 

DUTCH  DIALECT. 

Coming  down  Twelfth  Street  yesterday,  we  met  Jacob 
Schneider,  an  old  German  Mend.  We  hadn't  seen  Jacob 
for  several  weeks,  and,  as  we  noticed  that  his  bandana  was 
tied  over  an  eye,  and  that  his  nose  was  invisible  onaccomit 
of  a  piece  of  court  plaster  occupying  a  front  seat,  and  ob- 
serving that  several  teeth  were  on  a  furlough,  we  wondered 
if  the  wagon  he  used  to  drive  was  smashed  to  pieces,  and 
asked  him  when  the  runaway  occurred. 

"I  don't  know  somedinks  apout  no  runavays,"  said 
Jacob. 

"  Was  it  a  fight,  then?"  we  inquired. 

"  I  don't  know  somedinks  apout  no  fights,  neider,"  said 
Jacob ;  "  it  was  some  surbrise  barties." 

"  Surprise  party !" 

"  Yaw,  surbrise  barties ;  dot  eye  vos  a  surbrise  barty ; 
surbrise  barty  is  vot's  der  matter  mit  dot  nose ;  und  dem 
teeth  vot  I  don't  got  some  more,  dey  bin  to  der  surbrise 
barty,  too." 

"Look  here,  Jacob,  you  are  a  httle  off,  ain't  you?" 

"  A  leedle  off?  Yaw,  I  guess  I  don't.  Of  you  call  dot 
faces  a  leedle  off  yusht  so,  I  pin  a  leedle  off." 

"  Let's  hear  all  about  it." 

"  Goom  down  to  der  saloon  and  git  some  peer,  und  I  told 
you  all  'bout  it." 

Proceeding  to  the  nearest  saloon,  we  soon  had  Jacob 
fortified  by  a  schooner  of  lager.  Wiping  his  hps,  after  he 
had  taken  the  first  draught,  he  said :  ' 

"  You  know  dot  ole  Miss  Helfschlager  ?" 

"  Yes — fine  old  lady,  in  vigorous  health." 

"  Yaw,  I  dink  so,  too.  Veil,  der  poys  dey  goom  round 
imd  say :  '  We  git  some  surbrise  barties  on  Miss  Helf- 
schlager up.' " 

''  And  you  agreed  to  go  ?" 


I  VAlfT  TO  FLY.  81 

"  Kin  I  look  owit  fern  dot  mouth  T  Kin  I  schmell  some- 
dinks  fern  dot  nose  I  Kin  I —  Donnerwetter  I  don't  I 
look  me  like  a  pin  I" 

After  glancing  at  the  man,  we  were  compelled  to  confess 
that  he  did ;  but  we  had  a  curiosity  to  know  how  it  all  came 
about,  and  we  asked  him. 

"  How  it  coom  'bout  ?  It  didn't  coom  'bout ;  it  coomall 
rount!  Der  poys  dey  know  somedinks  'bout  Miss  Helf- 
schlager  dot  I  don't  pin  acquaintance  mit,  und  dey  put  me 
in  as  der  leader.  I  knock  up  der  door-pell  mit  swei  pig 
paskets  on  my  arrums,  und  fern  der  door  open  owit,  I  rush 
in  mit  myselps,  tinkin'  der  under  follers  vas  pehint.  It's 
blayed  owit  der  way  dem  feUers  blayed  it  on  me." 

"  Didn't  they  follow  you  ?" 

"  Yaw,  like  der  ole  vooman  geep  tavern." 

"  They  went  back  on  you  and  left  you  alone.  Did  the 
surprise  party  come  off?    Did  you  see  Miss  Helfechlager  ?" 

"Did  der  surbrise  barties  coom  off?  Yaw,  I  dink  so. 
Dot,"  pointing  to  eye,  nose  and  mouth  in  succession — "dot 
vas  der  surbrise  barties.  Did  I  see  Miss  Helfechlager  f 
Yusht  gaze  upon  dot  gountenances !  Did  I  see  her?  By 
shiminy,  I  dink  so !  Young  feller,  don't  you  go  to  some 
surbrise  barties  mit  Miss  Helfechlager;  dot's  vot's  der 
reasons  mit  me,  und  all  dem  wegetables  wasted  too." 

It  certainly  looked  like  it. 


I  VANT  TO  FLT. 

A  HUMOBOVS  BKCITATION.— FRENCH  DIAI.XCT. 

Shortly  before  the  conclusion  of  the  war  with  Napoleon 
there  were  a  nmnber  of  French  officers  in  an  inland  town 
on  their  parole  of  honor.  Now,  one  gentleman  being  tired 
with  the  usual  routine  of  eating,  drinking,  gambUng,  smok- 
ing, &c.,  therefore,  in  order  to  amuse  himself  otherwise, 
resolved  to  go  a-fishing.    His  host  supplied  him  with  rod 


82  I  VANT  TO  FLY. 

and  line,  but  being  in  want  of  artificial  flies,  went  in  search 
of  a  fishing  tackle  maker's  shop.  Having  found  one,  kept 
by  a  plain  pains-taking  John  Bull,  our  Frenchman  entered, 
and,  with  a  bow,  a  cringe,  and  a  shrug  of  the  shoulders, 
thus  began : . 

"  Ah,  Monsieur  Anglais,  comment  vous  portez-vous  I" 

''  Eh,  that's  French,"  exclaimed  the  shopkeeper ;  "  not 
that  I  understand  it,  but  I'm  very  well,  if  that's  what  you 
mean." 

''  Bon,  bon,  ver  good ;  den,  saire,  I  sail  teU  you,  I  vant 
deux  fly." 

''  I  dare  say  you  do,  Moimseer,"  replied  the  Enghshman, 
"  and  so  do  a  great  many  more  of  your  outlandish  gentry ; 
but  I'm  a  true-bom  Briton,  and  can  never  consent  to  as- 
sist the  enemies  of  my  country  to  leave  it — ^particularly 
when  they  cost  us  so  much  to  bring  them  here." 

"  Ah,  Monsieur,  you  no  comprehend ;  I  shaU  repeate,  I 
vant  deux  fly,  on  the  top  of  de  vater." 

"Oh  I  what,  you  want  to  fly  by  water,  do  you  ?  then  I'm 
sure  I  can't  assist  you,  for  we  are  at  least  a  hundred  miles 
from  the  sea-coast,  and  our  canal  is  not  navigable  above 
ten  or  twelve  miles  from  here." 

"Diable  I  saro,  you  are  un  stup  of  the  block.  I  sail  teU 
you  once  seven  times  over  again — I  vant  deux  fly  on  the 
top  of  de  vater,  to  dingle  dangle  at  the  end  of  de  long  pole." 

"  Ay,  ay !  you  only  fly  Mounseer,  by  land  or  water,  and 
if  they  catch  you,  I'll  be  hanged  if  they  won't  dingle  dangle 
you,  as  you  caU  it,  at  the  end  of  a  long  pole." 

"  Sacre  un  de  dieu !  la  bias !  vat  you  mean  by  dat,  enfcr 
diable  ?  you  are  un  bandit  jack  of  de  ass,  Johnny  do  BuU. 
Ba,  ba,  you  are  ef&ontee,  and  I  disgrace  me  to  parley  vid 
you.  I  tell  you,  sare,  dat  I  vant  deux  fly  on  the  top  of  de 
vater,  to  dingle  dangle  at  the  end  of  the  long  pole,  to  la 
trap  poisson." 

"  What's  that  you  say,  you  French  Mounseer — you'U  lay 
a  trap  to  poison  me  and  aU  my  family  because  I  won't  as- 


I  VAITT  TO  FLY.  83 

sist  you  to  escape  ?  why,  the  like  was  never  heard.  Here, 
Betty,  go  for  the  constable." 

The  constable  soon  arrived,  who  happened  to  be  as  ig- 
norant as  the  shopkeeper,  and  of  course  it  was  not  expected 
that  a  constable  should  bo  a  scholar.  Thus  the  man  of 
office  began: 

"  What's  all  this  ?  Betty  has  been  telling  me  that  this 
here  outlandish  Frenchman  is  going  to  poison  you  and  all 
your  family  ?  Ay,  ay,  I  should  Uke  to  catch  him  at  it, 
that's  all.    Come,  come  to  prison,  you  delinquent." 

"  No,  sare,  I  sail  not  go  to  de  prison ;  take  me  before  de 
what  you  call  it — de  ting  that  nibble  de  grass  ?" 

"  Nibble  grass  ?    You  mean  sheep  ?" 

"  No,  I  mean  de — de— " 

"  Oh,  you  mean  the  cow." 

"  No,  sare,  not  the  cow ;  you  stup  Johnny  bceuf— I  mean 
de  cheval,  vat  you  ride.  [Imitating.]  Come,  sare,  gee  up. 
Ah,  ha." 

"  Oh,  now  I  know,  you  mean  a  horse." 

"  No,  sare,  I  mean  de  horse's  vife." 

"What,  the  mare?" 

"  Oui,  bon,  yes,  sare,  take  me  to  de  mayor." 

This  request  was  comphed  with,  and  the  French  officer 
soon  stood  before  the  English  magistrate,  who,  by  chance, 
happened  to  be  better  informed  than  his  neighbors,  and 
thus  explained  the  dilemma  of  theimfortunate  Frenchman, 
to  the  satisfaction  of  all  parties  : 

"  You  have  mistaken  the  intention  of  this  honest  gentle- 
man ;  he  did  not  want  to  fly  the  country,  but  to  go  a-fish- 
ing,  and  for  that  purpose  went  to  your  shop  to  purchase 
two  flies,  by  way  of  bait,  or,  as  he  expressed  it,  to  la  trap 
la  poisson.    Poisson,  in  French,  is  fish." 

"  Why,  aye," replied  the  shopkeeper,  "  that  may  be  true; 
you  are  a  scholard,  and  so  you  know  better  than  I.  Poi- 
son, in  French,  may  be  very  good  fish,  but  give  me  good 
old  English  roast  beef." 


84  PETER  SORGHUM  IN  LOVE. 

PETER  SORG-HUM  IN  LOVE. 

A  CAPITAL  YANKEE   8T0ET. — ^BT  ALT.   BUEXETT. 

One  day  Sail  fooled  me ;  she  heated  the  poker  awful 
hot,  then  asked  me  to  stir  the  fire,  I  seized  hold  of  it 
mighty  quick  to  obhge  her,  and  dropped  it  quicker  to 
obhge  myself.  Well,  after  the  poker  scrape,  me  and  Sail 
only  got  on  middlin'  well  for  some  time,  till  I  made  up  my 
mind  to  pop  the  question,  for  I  loved  her  harder  every  day, 
and  I  had  an  idee  she  loved  me  or  had  a  sneaking  kind- 
ness for  me.  But  how  to  do  the  thing  up  nice  and  rite 
pestered  me  orful.  I  bought  some  love  books,  and  read 
how  the  fellers  git  down  enter  their  knees  and  talk  like 
poets,  and  how  the  girls  would  gently-like  fall  in  love  with 
them.  But  somehow  or  other  that  way  didn't  kinder  suit 
my  notion.  I  asked  mam  how  she  and  dad  courted,  but  she 
said  it  had  been  so  long  she  had  forgotten  all  about  it. 
Uncle  Jo  said  mam  did  all  the  "courting. 

At  last  I  made  up  my  mind  to  go  it  blind,  for  this  thing 
was  farely  consumin'  my  mind;  so  I  goes  over  to  her  dad's, 
and  when  I  got  there  I  sot  like  a  fool,  thinkin'  how  to  begin. 
Sail  seed  somethin'  was  troubhn'  me,  so  she  said,  says  she, 
"Ain't  you  sick,  Peter?"  She  said  this  mity  soft-like. 
"  Yes !  No !"  sez  I ;  "  that  is,  I  an't  zackly  well ;  I  thought 
rd  come  over  to-night,"  sez  I.  I  tho't  that  was  a  mity 
purty  beginnin' ;  so  I  tried  agin.  "  SaU,'^  sez  I — and  by 
this  time  I  felt  kinder  faintly  about  the  stommuck,  and 
shaky  about  the  knees — "  SaU,"  sez  I.  ''  Wliat  V  sez  she. 
"  aSaK,"  sez  I  agin.  "  Wlmt  ?"  sez  she.  I'll  get  to  it  arter 
a  while  at  this  rate,  thinks  I.  "  Peter,"  says  she,  "  there's 
suthin'  troublin'  you ;  'tis  mighty  wrong  for  you  to  keep  it 
from  a  body,  for  an  inard  sorrer  is  a  consumin'  fire."  She 
said  this,  slie  did,  the  sly  critter.  She  knowed  what  was 
the  matter  all  the  time  mighty  well,  and  was  only  tryin'  to 
fish  it  out,  but  I  was  so  far  gone  I  couldn't  see  the  point. 
At  last  I  sorter  gulped  down  the  big  lump  a  risin'  in  my 


PETEE  SOEGHIIM  IN  LOVE.  85 

throat,  and  sez  I,  sez  I,  "  Sail,  do  you  love  anybody  ?" 
"  Well,"  sez  she,  *'  there's  dad  and  mam,"  and  a  countin'  of 
her  fingers  all  the  time,  with  her  eyes  sorter  shet  like  a 
feUar  shootin'  oil"  a  gun,  "  and  there's  old  Pide  (that  were 
their  old  cow,)  and  I  can't  think  of  anybody  else  just  now," 
says  she.  Now,  this  was  orful  for  a  feller  ded  in  love ;  so 
arter  a  while  I  tried  another  shute.  Sez  I,  "  Sail,"  sez  I, 
"  I'm  powerful  lonesome  at  home,  and  sometimes  think  if 
I  only  had  a  nice  pretty  wife,  to  love  and  talk  to,  move, 
and  have  my  bein'  with,  I'd  be  a  tremendous  feller."  Sez 
I,  "  Sail,  do  you  know  any  gal  would  keer  for  me  ?"  "With 
that  she  begins,  and  names  over  all  the  gals  for  five  miles 
around,  and  never  once  came  nigh  naming  of  herself,  and 
sed  I  oughter  git  one  of  them.  This  sorter  got  my  dander 
up,  so  I  hitched  my  cheer  up  close  to  her,  and  shet  my 
eyes  and  sed,  "  Sall,  you  are  the  very  gal  I've  been  hank- 
ering arter  for  a  long  time.  I  luv  you  all  over,  from  the 
sole  of  your  head  to  the  crown  of  your  foot,  and  I  don't 
care  who  nos  it,  and  if  you  say  so  we'll  be  jined  together 
in  the  holy  bonds  of  hemlock,  Epluribusunum,  world  with- 
out end,  amen !"  sez  I ;  and  then  I  felt  like  Fd  throwed  up 
an  aUigator,  I  felt  so  relieved.  With  that  she  fetched  a 
soiter  screem,  and  arter  a  while  sez,  sez  she,  ''  Peter  !" 
"  What,  Sally  ?"  sez  I.  "  Yes  !"  sez  she,  a  hidin'  of  her  face 
behind  her  hands.  You  bet  a  heap  I  felt  good.  "  Glory ! 
glory !"  sez  I,  "  I  must  holler,  Sall,  or  I  shall  bust.  Hooray 
for  hooray  !  I  can  jump  over  a  ten-rail  fence !"  With  that  I 
sot  rite  down  by  her  and  clinched  the  bargain  with  a  kiss. 
Talk  about  your  blackberry  jam ;  talk  about  your  sugar 
and  merlasses;  you  wouldn't  a  got  me  nigh  'em — they 
would  all  a  been  sour  arter  that.  Oh !  these  gals !  how 
good  and  bad,  how  high  and  low  they  do  make  a  feller 
feel !  If  Sail's  daddy  hadn't  simg  out  'twas  time  all  honest 
folks  was  abed,  I'd  a  sot  there  two  hours  longer.  You 
oughter  have  seen  me  when  I  got  home  1  I  pulled  dad  out 
of  bed  and  hugged  him !    I  pulled  mam  out  of  bed  and 


86       MES,  SMART  LEARNS  HOW  TO  SKATE. 

hugged  her !  I  pulled  Aunt  Jane  out  of  hed  and  hugged 
her.  I  larfed  and  hollered,  crowed  like  a  rooster,  danced 
round  there,  and  cut  up  more  capers  than  you  ever  heerd 
tell  on,  till  dad  thought  I  was  crazy,  and  got  a  rope  to  tie 
me  with.  "  Dad,"  sez  I,  "  I'm  gain'  to  be  married .'"  ''Mar- 
ried !"  bawled  dad.  "  Married !"  squalled  mam.  "  Mar- 
ried !"  screamed  Aunt  Jane.  "  Yes,  married,"  sez  I ; 
"  married  all  over,  married  for  sure,  married  hke  a  flash — 
joined  ia  wedlock,  hooked  on  for  life,  for  worser  or  for 
better,  for  life  and  for  death — to  Sall  !  I  am  that  very 
thing — me !    Peter  Sorghum,  Esquire  !" 

With  that  I  ups  and  tells  'em  all  about  it,  firom  Alfer  to 
Ermeger !  They  were  all  mighty  well  pleased,  and  I  went 
to  bed  as  proud  as  a  young  rooster  with  his  first  spurs. 


MRS.  SMART  LEARNS  HOW  TO  SKATE. 

YANKEE   DIAIjECT  BEADING, — BY   CLABA  AUGUSTA. 

Don't  you  think  skating  is  dreadful  good  exercise  ?  I 
do ;  and  I've  been  trying  of  it  lately,  so  that  I  have  as 
good  a  knowledge  of  how  it  operates  as  anybody  else. 

Joshua  said  I  was  rather  old  to  go  into  such  childish 
bizness ;  but  I  don't  see  no  airthly  reason  why  an  old  mar- 
ried woman  shouldn't  enjoy  herself  if  she  can.  Goodness 
knows,  most  of  us  has  trouble  enough  to  put  up  with — if 
we  have  a  husband  and  children  and  hens  and  pigs  and 
things.  And  if  we  can  git  any  injoyment  out  of  life,  I  say 
we'd  orter.  I  calkulate  to,  myself ;  and  I'd  like  to  see  any- 
body hender  me !  It'll  take  more'n  Joshua  Smart !  He 
never  growed  big  enuff !    No,  sir !  not  by  a  long  chalk ! 

All  the  folks  round  about  here  has  gone  into  skating. 
There  hain't  nobody  but  what's  had  a  spell  at  it.  Even 
old  Grandmarm  Smith,  that's  gone  with  two  canes  this 
dozen  years — she's  tried  it,  and  fell  down,  and  smashed  her 
specks,  and  barked  her  nose  all  to  flinchers;   and   old 


MKS.   SMAET  LEAKNS  HOW  TO  SKA.TE.  87 

Deacon  Sharp,  that's  been  bhnd  ever  since  "Wiggins'  bam 
was  burnt,  he's  got  to  be  quite  a  powerful  skater.  Only 
you  have  to  clear  the  track  when  you  see  him  coming, 
'cause  he  don't  turn  out  for  nobody  nor  nothing.  And  he's 
apt  to  git  to  using  big  words,  if  he  happens  to  hit  against 
anything.  The  other  day  he  skated  against  a  tall  stump 
in  the  millpond,  and  a  madder  man  you  never  seed.  He 
took  it  for  somebody  standing  there ;  and,  if  he  is  a  deacon, 
Fm  ready  to  give  my  Bible  oath  that  he  came  at  it,  and 
hit  it  several  hcks  with  his  fist,  afore  he  foimd  out  that  it 
wasn't  no  one. 

All  the  wimmen  folks  has  been  out  on  the  ice  this  fall. 
I  never  seed  such  a  turnout  afore.  The  way  they've  done, 
they've  cooked  up  enuff  Satterdays  to  last  all  through  the 
next  week,  and  then  they've  skated,  and  their  husbands 
has  staid  at  home,  and  swore  and  eat  cold  vittles. 

Law  sake  !  how  things  have  changed  since  I  was  a  gal ! 
The  world  is  gitting  more  and  more  civilized  every  day. 
In  a  thousand  years  from  now,  at  the  present  rate  of  get- 
ting along,  this  airth  will  be  too  good  to  live  in,  an^  most 
of  us  will  have  to  leave,  if  we  hain't  already. 

Why,  I  can  remember  when  a  gal  that  dared  to  look  at 
a  pair  of  skates  was  called  a  Tomboy ;  and  you  might  as 
well  have  served  out  a  term  in  the  States  Prison  as  to 
have  been  called  that !  It  was  an  awful  name !  It  used  to 
be  a  sin  for  a  gal  to  do  anything  that  a  boy  did,  except 
milk  the  cows,  and  eat  pudding  and  molasses. 

As  soon  as  it  got  cold  enough  to  friz  up,  I  made  up  my 
mind  to  see  what  I  could  do  at  skating.  I  had  an  idea  that 
it  wouldn't  take  me  no  time  at  all  to  lam.  All  the  gals 
was  an  awful  spell  a-laming;  but  all  in  the  world  that 
made  'em  so  long  was  'cause  they  had  fellers  a-showing 
of  'em  how,  and  they  kinder  hked  the  fun.  If  there  hadn't 
been  a  feller  in  the  neighborhood,  a'most  any  of  'em  would 
have  lamt  the  whole  trade  in  three  days. 

I  went  over  to  the  bridge,  and  sold  five  pounds  of 


88       MES.  SMAKT  LEABNS  HOW  TO  SKATE. 

butter,  and  got  me  a  pair  of  skates.  Hain't  it  astonishing 
how  butter  has  gone  up  ?  Never  seed  the  beat  of  it  in  all 
my  life !  We  don't  pretend  to  eat  a  mite  of  butter  to  oiu* 
house,  though  we've  got  three  farrer  cows  and  a  new 
milk's  heifer.  Joshua  gi-umbles  like  everything ;  but  I  tell 
him  'tain't  no  use — I'd  as  hves  he'd  spread  his  bread  with 
fifty-cent  scrips  as  with  butter.  And  'twon't  make  no 
difl'erence  a  himdred  years  fi:"om  now  whether  a  man  has 
hved  on  butter  or  hog's  fat.    Not  a  speck ! 

I  sold  the  butter,  and  took  three  dollars'  worth  of  skates. 
Miss  Pike,  the  milliner,  said  I  ought  to  have  a  skating 
costume — it  wasn't  properous  to  skate  in  a  long-tailed 
gownd  and  crinoline. 

So  one  day  I  sot  myself  to  work,  and  fixed  one.  I  took 
a  pair  of  Joshua's  red  flannel  drawers,  and  sot  two  rosettes 
of  green  ribbin  onto  the  bottoms  of  'em ;  and  then  I  took 
a  yaUer  petticoat  of  mine,  and  sewed  five  rows  of  blue 
braid  round  the  bottom  of  that ;  my  waist  I  made  out  of  a 
red  and  brown  plaid  shawl,  and  for  a  cap  I  took  one  of 
Joshuas  cast-oflf  stovepipe  hats,  and  cut  it  down  a  story. 
I  tied  a  wide  piece  of  red  flannel  around  it,  and  pulled  out 
an  old  crower's  tail,  and  stuck  that  into  the  fi:'ont  of  it. 
Joshua  laflfed  at  me,  the  master.  He  said  I  looked  jest  like 
an  Injun  squaw ;  but  as  he  never  seed  one,  I  dunno  how 
he  knowed. 

Sam  JeUison  sed  he'd  lam  me  how  to  do ;  but  I  told  him 
no ;  I  didn't  want  nobody  a-handling  me  round,  a-finding 
out  whether  I  wore  corsets  or  not.  I  didn't  Uke  the  style. 
I  guessed  I  could  take  keer  of  myself.  I'd  allers  managed 
to.  I'd  took  keer  of  myself  through  the  jonders,  and  the 
dispepsy,  and  the  coUery  morbus ;  and  I'd  allers  made  my 
soap,  and  did  my  own  cleaning,  and  I  guessed  I  could 
skate  without  nobody's  assistance.  I  didn't  want  no  httle 
upstarts  a-holding  onto  me  with  one  arm,  andlafiBng  at  me 
in  t'other  sleeve  at  the  same  time. 

Sam  he  whistled,  and  sed  nothing.    It's  a  dreadful  hate- 


MBS.   SMABT  LEAENS  HOW  TO  SK&.TE.  89 

fill  way  some  folks  have  of  insidting  of  ye — that  whistle  of 
theim. 

One  Tuesday  morning,  bright  and  airly,  I  got  my  work 
out  of  the  way,  and  dressing  myself  in  my  skating  cos- 
tume, I  took  my  skates  in  one  hand  and  a  long  pole  to 
steady  myself  by  in  the  other,  and  set  sail  for  the  mUl- 
pond. 

I  shouldn't  have  dared  to  begin  such  an  imdertaking 
any  day  but  Tuesday.  Wednesday  is  aUers  a  dreadful 
day  for  me !  Why,  I've  broke  more'n  ten  dollars'  worth  of 
crockery  Wednesdays ;  and  I've  sot  three  hens  Wednesdays, 
and  one's  eggs  all  addled,  and  one  she  got  broke  up  afore 
she'd  sot  a  week,  and  t'other  one  hatched  out  three  chick- 
ens that  was  blind  as  bats,  and  never  had  no  tail-feathers  I 

I  went  so  airly,  that  I  was  in  hopes  there  wouldn't  be 
no  specklepertaters  to  see  my  fust  attempt ;  but  lawful 
heart !  the  pond  was  lined  with  'em !  I  felt  rather  down 
in  the  mouth  at  the  idea  of  trying  my  skill  afore  all  them 
people,  but  I  was  too  plucky  to  back  out. 

I  sot  down  on  the  ground,  and  strapped  on  my  skates; 
and  grabbing  my  pole  firmly  in  both  hands,  I  got  onto 
the  ice.  The  minnit  I  got  on,  I  sot  rite  down  flat,  in  spite 
of  all  I  could  do,  and  it  was  as  much  as  five  minutes  afore 
I  could  git  up  agin.  And  when  I  did  my  left  foot  begun- 
for  to  run  rite  round  t'other  one,  and  I  run  rite  round 
arter  it.  The  fust  thing  I  knowed  my  heels  was  up,  and 
my  head  was  down,  and  I  thought  it  was  night  and  all  the 
stars  in  the  firmary  was  having  a  shooting-match. 

Sam  JelUson  he  seed  me  fall  and  come  and  picked  me 
up.  Sam  is  dreadful  attentive  to  me,  because  he's  trying 
to  shine  my  darter  Betsey.  I  can  see  through  it  all.  He 
wanted  to  help  me  stiddy  myself;  but  I  wouldn't  let  him, 
and  started  off  upon  the  dog  trot.  I  could  rim  a  good 
deal  better  than  I  could  slide.  I  thought  I'd  go  over  on 
t'other  side  of  the  pond,  where  Miss  Pike  and  some  other 
Mends  of  mine  wajs ;  and,  sticking  my  long  pole  into  the 


90  MBS.   SMART  LEARNS  HOW  TO  SKATE. 

airholes,  I  made  out  to  get  under  way.  And  after  I  once 
got  started,  the  difBculty  was  to  stop  myself.  I  went  rite 
ahead  hke  a  steam  injine  down  grade.  I  found  it  wasn't 
no  use  to  flte  against  fate ;  and,  concluding  that  this  was 
the  fun  of  skating,  I  drawed  up  my  pole  and  let  it  stick 
out  each  side  of  me,  and  sailed  on.  I  had  the  wind  in  my 
back,  and  it  filled  my  yeller  petticoat  so  that  it  floated  out 
afore  me  like  the  star  spangled  banner  on  the  Fourth  of 
July. 

I  was  a-coming  to  where  the  skaters  were  at  it  pretty 
thick ;  but  I  didn't  think  to  take  my  pole  in,  and  the  fust 
thing  I  knowed  I  was  a  mowing  of  'em  down  with  it,  rite 
and  left,  as  a  two-hoss  mowing-machine  takes  down  the 
grass  on  a  medder. 

The  ice  was  lined  with  the  ruins !  Muffs,  and  hoods,  and 
gloves,  and  false  teeth,  and  waterfalls,  and  rats,  and  mice, 
and  curled  hair,  and  men,  and  women,  and  httle  boys — all 
mixed  up  together.    You  couldn't  tell  t'other  from  which ! 

Old  Jim  Pratt  he  went  down  among  the  rest ;  and,  as  he 
went,  the  toe  of  his  skate  ketched  into  that  beautiful  braid 
on  my  yaller  petticoat,  and  in  less'n  a  minnit  tore  it  clean 
off  and  wound  it  aU  up  among  the  imderstandings  of  aU 
the  scrabbling  people. 

I  was  madder'n  a  hatter !  I  riz  my  pole  to  let  'em  have 
some ;  but  before  I  could  strike,  the  strain  on  that  iUigant 
trimming  upsot  my  equalibrius,  and  down  I  went,  striking 
the  back  of  my  crannyrum  so  hard,  that  for  a  minnit  I 
thought  my  skull  bone  was  broke  clean  across !  It  seemed 
as  if  I  could  hear  the  rough  edges  grate  together. 

Just  as  I  was  a-rising  to  get  up,  along  come  a  feller  at  a 
2:40  rate,  without  any  eyes  into  his  head,  I  expect,  for  he 
didn't  see  me,  but  undertook  to  skate  rite  over  me,  and 
away  he  come,  head  fust,  onto  the  ice,  with  a  grunt  that 
sounded  like  a  pig's  when  he's  just  gwine  to  sleep  after 
eating  a  whole  pail  of  swill. 

I  grabbed  hold  of  his  coat-tail  to  hist  myself  up  by,  and. 


DER  WRECK  OP  DER  HEZBERUS.  91 

law  sake !  the  cloth  parted  like  a  cobweb,  and  left  him 
with  a  short  jacket  on,  and  letting  me  back  onto  the  ice 
harder  than  afore ! 

Sam  Jellison  he  arrived  jest  at  this  minnit,  and  I  didn't 
say  nothing  agin  his  helping  of  me.  I  felt  as  if  I  was  nigh 
about  played  out.  He  esquarted  me  to  the  shore,  with  all 
that  blue  braid  a-trailing  after  me.  And  when  I'd  got 
breath,  he  went  up  home  with  me,  and  I  heard  him  kiss 
Bets  behind  the  pantry  door.  Wall,  wall,  young  folks  will 
be  young  folks,  and  'tain't  no  use  to  try  to  hinder  'em. 

I  was  so  sore  for  a  week  that  I  couldn't  git  my  arms  to 
my  head  without  screeching,  and  I  felt  all  over  as  if  I'd 
been  oiyinted  and  jined  onto  another  x>erson's  under- 
standings. 

As  soon  as  I  got  better,  though,  I  let  Sam  help  me  lam, 
and  I  can  skate  the  master  now.  You  never  seed  the 
beat!  It's  the  grandest  exercise!  and  so  healthy!  I've 
Mz  both  of  my  feet,  and  my  nose,  and  my  face  has  mostly 
peeled,  and  I've  got  the  rhumatiz  tremenjous ;  but  I've 
lamed  to  skate,  and  what  do  I  keer ! 


"DER  WRECK  OF  DER  HEZBERUS." 

BEFOBE  LONOFEIXOW. — BY  ESSE  PUOSTEB. 

It  vas  der  goot  shkifF  Hezborus 

Dot  paddled  cross  der  pond, 
Und  dare  vas  dare  der  slabber's  gal, 

or  whom  he  vas  so  fond. 

Green  vos  her  eyes  as  rammer  peas, 

Her  cheeks  I  can't  define, 
Her  boozum  brown  like  pretzel  cakes. 

Her  voice  a  vereful  whine. 

Mit  pibe  in  mouth  der  skibber  sat, 

Wrabbed  in  an  old  pea  koad, 
T7nd  vatched  his  daughter  koff  und  shneeze 

Yen  schmoke  got  down  hnr  throad. 


98  DEE  WEECK  OF  DEE  HEZBEEUS. 

Den  up  tmd  spoke  der  paddle  man, 
"  Look  'ere,  let's  turn  ride  back, 
A  schwan  lives  'ere,  der  peebles  say, 
Yat  Ukes  to  peck  und  hack. 

So  let's  turn  back,  main  master  dear, 
Und  from  this  voyage  refrain," 

Der  skibber  blew  schmoke  oud  his  pibe, 
Und  Bchmiled  mit  grim  dishdain. 

Den  near  und  near  der  shkiff  did  got 
To  vare  dot  schwan  hung  out. 

Until  at  last,  mit  telesgope, 
Dey  shpied  his  head  und  snowt. 

Tel,  down  it  schwam  und  shmote  der  shkiff 

Mit  all  its  might  und  main, 
Und  made  it  shump  dree  times  its  length, 

Und  den  shump  back  again. 

"  Come  'ere  !  come  'ere !  mein  leedle  gal, 
Und  do  not  dremble  so. 
For  1  can  lick  der  biggest  schwan 
Dot  you  to  me  can  show." 

He  wrabbed  her  in  his  old  pea  koad. 

His  joy,  his  life,  his  soul, 
Und  mit  a  piece  of  paper  twine 

He  lashed  her  to  a  pole. 

"  Oh,  dad,  I  hear  der  dinner  bell ! 

I  feel  shust  liko  grub-struck." 
"  Vel,  hold  yer  tongue  now,  Mary  Ann, 

Und  dry  to  bear  your  luck." 

"  Oh,  dad,  I  see  dot  schwan  again ! 
He'll  eat  both  you  und  me ;" 
But  dad  he  answered  not  a  vord, 
Tor  stiff  und  frized  was  he. 

Den  der  goot  girl  she  glasped  her  hands,  ' 
Und  through  her  frost-bit  nose 

She  said,  "  Now  I  avake  to  sleep," 
Dot  she  might  not  be  froze. 


\ 

THE  GENEROUS  FRENCHMAN. 

TJnd  dare,  through  rain  und  hurrycane, 
Und  through  der  schleet  und  schnow, 

Der  maiden  prayed  und  begged  der  schwan 
To  pick  up  stakes  und  go. 

But  no,  he  schwam  up  to  der  wreck, 

Und  den  der  fun  began, 
He  knocked  der  fellers  off  der  deck, 

But  left  shweed  Mary  Ann. 

He  picked  und  pecked  der  Hezberus, 

Und  lashed  de  pond  to  foam, 
Und  made  de  poor,  wee,  loedle  shkiff 

Look  shust  like  honeycomb. 

Den  by  der  board  der  long  bean-pole 

Und  Mary  Ann  did  go ; 
Und  shust  like  lead  der  shkiflF  went  down, 

Der  schwan  he  roared.  Ho !  ho  ! 
*  «  «  * 

At  break  of  day,  beside  der  pond. 

Poor  Mary  Ann  vas  found ; 
Her  form  vas  cold  un  frozen  stiff, 

Und  to  a  bean-pole  bound. 

Von  hand  vas  cross  her  empty  form. 

Serene  und  calm  she  lay ; 
For  she  vas  gone  vare  she'll  thaw  oxtt, 

Und  vare  you'll  go  some  day. 


THE  GENEROUS  FRENCHMAN. 

A  CELEBBATED  HT7MOBOU8  BECITATIOM. 

"  When  I  was  in  Londres,  I  go  vun  day  into  wat  ze , 
Anglais  call  ze  caf6,  an  I  give  ze  order  to  ros  me  von 
docke  ;  ze  Anglais  ros  ze  docke  ver  well ;  ven  de  docke 
was  place  before  me  I  find  him  von  very  fine  docke,  and 
very  well  ros ;  he  was  ver  brown,  ver  full  of  ze  stuff  aux 
ognons,  an  ze  flaveur  was  ver  fine.  I  put  ze  fork  into  ze 
docke  and  I  commence  to  cut  ze  docke,  mais  when  I  have 


94  THE  GENEROUS  FEENCHMAN. 

begin  to  cut  ze  docke  I  hear  some  person  make  loud  strong 

noise  comme  9a — Ob !  as  if  ze  beart  was  break.    I 

put  down  ze  knife  on  ze  plate,  an  I  look  roun  to  see  who 

make  ze  noise  comme  5a — Oh !    Ven  I  look  roun  I 

see  right  opposite  to  me  von  gentlman,  who  was  ver  well 
dress ;  be  ave  ver  good  cote,  ver  good  pan  talon,  and  ver 
good  boot,  but  be  have  dam  leetle  bat  wiz  a  bole  in  ze  top ; 
I  no  Wee  dat,  mais  be  was  a  gentlman ;  ze  noise  could  not 
be  made  by  him,  an  I  proceed  to  cut  ze  docke,  mais,  ven  I 
ave  proceed  to  cut  ze  docke  ze  second  time,  I  bear  une 

autre  fois  ze  same  noise,  comme  pa — Oh !  plus  forte, 

grate  deal  loudaire  zan  ze  first  time.  I  look  roun,  mais  I 
see  nobody  but  ze  gentlman ;  I  look  at  ze  gentlman,  an  ze 
gentlman  look  at  me.  He  vas  gentlman,  for  he  ave  ver 
good  cote,  ver  good  pan  talon,  and  ver  good  boot,  mais  be  ave 
leetle  bat  on  ze  head  wiz  a  bole  in  ze  top,  an  ze  hair  come 
out ;  I  no  like  dat,  mais  be  vas  gentlman.  Eh  bien  !  I  ave 
say  to  ze  gentlman :  'Monsieur,  pour  quoiyou  make  comme 

5a —  Ob !  V  and  ze  gentlman  ave  make  me  answer 

an  say,  '  Sare,  I  ave  eat  nosing  for  tree  day,  an  I  am  ver 
hungry.'  Mon  Dieu,  I  say  to  myself,  ze  gentlman  ave 
reason,  he  ave  eat  nosing  for  tree  day.  Sacre-bleu  he  must 
ave  ver  grate  bungaire,  an  ven  I  ave  say  dis  to  myself  I 
look  at  ze  docke,  be  was  ver  fine  docke,  an  ver  weU  ros. 
Zen  I  say  to  myself  ze  seconde  time,  I  shall  give  ze  half  of 
ze  docke  to  ze  gentlman,  an  zen  I  give  ze  invitation  to  ze 
gentlman,  to  partage  ze  docke  wiz  me.  Ven  ze  gentlman 
ave  receive  ze  invitation  be  rite  way  place  himself  vis  ^  vis 
to  me,  an  ma  fois !  aussi  quick  as  ze  hghtnin  he  ave  eat 
ze  hole  of  my  docke,  quel  faim !  Ze  gentlman  ave  speak  ze 
truf,  he  was  ver  hungry !  En  verite,  I  should  like  to  eat 
piece  of  my  docke,  mais  ven  I  zink  ze  gentlman  ave  eat 
nosing  for  tree  day,  an  as  for  me  I  ave  dejeuner  tr6s  forte, 
I  ring  ze  bell  an  I  give  ze  order  for  a  noser  docke ;  in  ze 
mean  time,  however,  ze  gentlman  ave  drink  ze  bole  of  my 
wine.    £h  bien,  I  deman  ze  oder  bouteille,  an  zen  ze  oser 


THE  GENEROUS  FKENCHMAN.  95 

docke  come ;  ver  fine  docke,  mais  not  so  good  as  ze  last, 
— n'importe,  ze  docke  was  ver  good,  mais  dis  time  I  ave 
cut  ze  docke  for  me,  an  ze  gentlman  ave  got  ze  oser  piece, 
he  was  so  hmigry,  quel  dommage,  so  mooch  a  gentlman, 
80  well  he  dress.  He  ave  ver  good  cote,  ver  good  pantalou, 
an  ver  good  boot,  mais  ze  dam  leetle  hat  wiz  ze  hole  in  ze 
top ;  I  no  like  dat,  but  he  was  gentlman.  Eh  bien,  apres 
9a  ze  genthnan  was  satisfy  he  ave  eat  nearly  ze  two  docke, 
an  I  was  satisfy,  an  ven  I  ave  settle  ze  conte  ze  lanlor  was 
satisfy  aussi ;  an  zen  I  ave  say  to  ze  genthnan, '  Monsieur, 
I  sail  ave  ze  plaisir  to  see  you  some  oser  time,  demain  chez 
vous,  at  your  house,'  and  ze  gentlman  he  make  grate  noise, 

un  autre  fois  for  ze  zurd  time,  comme  5a — Oh !  an 

he  say  to  me,  '  Sare,  I  ave  no  house.'  Eh  bien !  I  reply  to 
him,  vare  do  you  shp  ?  an  he  say  to  me,  '  Sare,  I  shp  in  ze 
street.'  I  say  to  myself,  wat  great  pitie  such  hansome 
gentlman  slip  in  ze  street ;  an  zen  I  look  at  him  again,  an 
I  know  he  is  gentlman,  he  ave  such  ver  good  cote,  such 
ver  good  pantalon,  an  such  ver  good  boot,  but  zen  I  see  ze 
dam  leetle  hat  wiz  ze  hole  in  ze  top,  I  no  like  dat !  but  he 
was  gentlman.  Nevare  min,  I  shall  take  ze  gentlman 
chez  moi  to  my  house !  he  shall  not  slip  in  ze  street !  So 
I  give  him  ze  invitation  to  go  to  my  house,  which  he  ave 
accept  with  great  plaisir.  Ven  I  ave  take  him  chez  moi  I 
make  in  ze  comer  what  ze  Anglais  call  ze  shake-down — 
shake-up !  an  ze  gentlman  commence  already  to  take  oflF  ze 
close.  Pour  la  premiere  he  ave  put  ze  dam  leetle  hat  wiz 
ze  hole  in  ze  top  on  ze  chair,  I  no  like  dat,  so  when  he  ave 
turn  his  back,  I  give  it  von  leetle  kick  under  ze  bed  and 
nevare  say  nosing;  ze  gentlman  zen  take  ofi"  ze  cote,  ver 
good  cote — ver  good  cote  indeed !  an  he  take  off  ze  panta- 
lon, ver  fine  pantalon,  ver  good  pantalon — oui,  ver  good ! 
an  zen  he  take  off"  ze  boot,  ah  ma  foi,  zey  were  good  boot, 
ver  fine  boot  indeed,  an  ze  gentlman  he  go  to  slip.  Eh 
bien,  c'est  fine,  I  ave  nosing  else  to  do,  I  go  to  slip  aussi, 
an  I  nevaire  hoar  nosing  at  all  toute  la  nuit ;  I  mus  have 


96  THE  GEITEEOUS  FKENCHMAIT. 

slip  ver  well.  In  ze  morning,  ver  early,  k  la  bonne  heure, 
I  rub  my  eyes  an  fine  myself  wake  up ;  I  put  ze  head  out 
of  ze  bed  an  I  look  for  my  compagnon,  mais  ze  gentlman  I 
no  see  him,  no  doute  he  slip  very  mooch  hard,  he  have 
grand  fatigue,  he  shp  all  ze  time  in  ze  street,  I  ave  grate 
compassion  for  him ;  so  I  timn  on  ze  oser  side  an  I  make 
ze  second  time  wat  ze  Anglais  call  ze  leetle  nappe,  not  ze 
'  nappe  Franpaise,'  mais  ze  '  nappe  Anglaise ;'  chose  tr6s 
differente  je  vous  assure.  Eh  bien,  ven  I  ave  rub  ze  eye  ze 
second  time,  I  fin  it  was  ten  o'clock  of  ze  watch  and  I  say 
to  ze  gentlman  who  have  shp  in  ze  comer  all  ze  nite, '  Mon- 
sieur, levez  vous  !  it  is  time  to  get  up,'  an  ze  gentlman  ave 
make  no  response,  an  zin  I  get  up  myself  an  I  look  in  ze 
comer,  mais  I  fin  nosing ;  ze  gentlman  was  gone.  Ah  ha ! 
I  say  to  myself,  ze  gentlman  was  tr6s  reconnaissant,  he  ave 
ver  mooch  gratitude,  he  mus  ave  wake  up  an  he  fin  me 
shp  ver  good,  he  no  hke  to  make  ze  noise  to  disturb  me ; 
I  ave  no  dout  he  will  come  back  ven  he  zink  I  ave  wake 
up,  an  he  will  make  me  grate  zank  for  my  kindness  to  him 
zat  he  did  not  shp  in  ze  street.  Oh,  he  is  such  gentlman, 
he  ave  such  ver  good  cote,  such  fine  pantalon,  and  such 
ver  good  boot.  Ven  I  say  zis  to  myself  I  zink  make  my 
toilette,  an  I  put  on  my  boot,  ver  good  boot, — mais,  wat  it 
is — ze^  are  not  my  boot !  ver  good  boot  indeed — ver  good 
boot !  mais  zey  are  not  my  boot.  Ah  novaire  min,  it  is 
mistake,  ze  gentlman  ave  made  mistake,  he  get  up  so 
early  in  ze  morning  an  ave  made  ze  mistake  in  ze  dark. 
Eh  bien,  he  will  soon  return  and  make  ze  grand  apologie, 
for  he  is  so  mooch  gentlman — oh  oui,  he  is  gentlman,  he 
ave  ver  good  cote,  ver  good  pantalon,  an  ze  boot  are  ver 
good  aussi — not  so  good  as  mine,  mais  zey  are  ver  good. 
In  ze  mean  time  I  zink  comme  5a  to  myself,  an  I  look  roun 
for  my  pantalon  ;  oh  zey  are  zere.  I  put  on  ze  pantalon, 
mais — que  diable !  I  feel  in  ze  poches-,  oui,  bigar  zey  are 
not  my  pantalon — ver  fine !  oui,  ver  fine  pantalon,  mais 
zey  are  not  my  pantalon.    Ah  'tis  ver  plain,  ze  gentlman 


THE  GENEROUS  FEENCHMAN.  07 

ave  made  anoser  mistake,  an  ave  take  my  pantalon,  an 
zink  zey  are  his  pantalon ;  nevaire  min !  nevaire  min  !  he 
will  fine  out  ze  mistake  bomby  when  he  fine  ze  monnaie 
in  ze  poche,  he  will  bo  ver  sorry,  for  he  is  gentlman,  he 
ave  such  ver  good  cote,  ver  good  pantalon,  an  ver  good 
boot ;  oh  oui,  he  is  gentlman,  j'en  suis  sure.  Vile  I  zink 
80  to  myself  I  look  at  ze  watch,  an  I  fine  him  leven  o'clock 
of  ze  momin ;  I  tink  it  is  time  to  break  ze  faste,  I  am  ver 
hungry,  so  I  put  on  my — ze  debil !  what  I  have  here  ? — 
ver  fine  cote,  mais,  oui,  it  is  not  my  cote — ^no  it  is  not  my 
cote  I  Ze  gentlman  ave  make  un  autre  fois,  a  noser  gran 
mistake,  he  av  take  my  cote  an  lef  me  his  cote,  it  was  ver 
good  cote — ver  good  cote  indeed !  mais  it  was  not  my  cote. 
J'en  suis  fach6 ;  ven  ze  gentlman  ave  fine  it  out  he  will 
be  mooch  mortify  zat  he  ave  take  my  cote.  Ah  mon  Dieu  I 
I  ave  grate  pitie  for  him,  he  was  such  gentlman,  I  am  sin's 
he  was  gentlman,  he  ave  such  ver  good  cote,  such  fine  pan- 
talon, and  such  ver  good  boot !  Oh  certainement  he  was 
gentlman,  I  nevaire  make  ze  mistake,  I  know  ze  gentlman 
an  he  was  gentlman,  I  know  he  will  come  back ;  an  zen  I 
wait  for  him  von  hour  by  ze  clock,  an  I  zink  to  myself, 
bigar  I  ave  ze  gran  rumble  in  ze  stomac,  an  I  feel  ver 
hungere  as  if  I  ave  eat  nosing  for  tree  day  like  ze  gentlman, 
who  I  ave  no  doubt  ave  wait  all  zis  time  at  ze  caf6  for  me. 
Ah  quel  stupide  !  I  nevaire  zink  of  zat  before,  an  I  look  for 

my  hat.    It  is  not  on  ze  table, — ^no !  it  is  not  on  ze 

restez !  qu'avons  nous  ici  f  "Who  put  my  hat  under  ze  bed  f 
my  new  hat!  I  ave  jus  buy  him,  an  ave  jus  pay  von  guinea 
for  him.  Venez !  I  go  on  ze  knee.  Ah  ha !  I  ave  got  him, 
by  ze  ear.  Venez  ici  done,  rodeur ! — Wat  ze  debil  I  got' 
here!  Hein?  Sacre-bleu !  mille  tonnerress !  ze  leetle  hat 
wiz  ze  hole  in  ze  top,  bigar !  I  no  like  dat,  ze  gentlman 
ave  made  von  gran  mistake  dis  time,  an  I  no  like  dat.  Mais 
he  was  gentlman,  he  ave  such  ver  good  cote,  such  ver  fine 
pantalon,  and  such  good  boot,  mais  I  no  Uke  ze  dam  leetle 
hat  toia  ee  hole  in  ee  top. — ^No  !  Mais  he  was  gentlman." 


98  THE  FEENCHMJlN  AOT)  THE  FLEA  POWDEE. 

THE  FRENCHMAN  AND  THE  FLEA 
POWDER. 

A  FAVOKITE  COMIC  HECITATION. 

A  Frenchman  once — so  runs  a  certain  ditty — 
Had  crossed  the  Straits  to  famous  London  city, 
To  get  a  living  by  the  arts  of  France, 
And  teach  his  neighbor,  rough  John  Bull,  to  dance. 
But,  lacking  pupils,  vain  was  aU  his  sMU ; 
His  fortimes  sank  from  low  to  lower  still ; 
'  Until  at  last — pathetic  to  relate — 

Poor  Monsieur  landed  at  starvation's  gate. 
Standing,  one  day,  beside  a  cook-shop  door, 
And  gazing  in,  with  aggravation  sore. 
He  mused  within  himself  what  he  should  do 
To  fQl  his  empty  maw,  and  pocket  too. 
By  nature  shrewd,  he  soon  contrived  a  plan. 
And  thus  to  execute  it  straight  began : 
A  piece  of  common  brick  he  quickly  found. 
And  with  a  harder  stone  to  powder  gi'ound. 
Then  wrapped  the  dust  in  many  a  dainty  piece 
Of  paper,  labelled  "  Poison  for  de  Fleas," 
And  sallied  forth,  his  roguish  trick  to  try. 
To  show  his  treasures,  and  to  see  who'd  bay. 
From  street  to  street  he  cried,  with  lusty  yell, 
"  Here's  grand  and  soxeieiga  flea  poudare  to  sell !" 
And  fickle  Fortune  seemed  to  smile  at  last. 
For  soon  a  woman  hailed  him  as  he  passed, 
Struck  a  quick  bargain  with  him  for  the  lot. 
And  made  him  five  crowns  richer  on  the  spot. 
Our  wight,  encouraged  by  this  ready  sale, 
"Went  into  busiaess  on  a  larger  scale ; 
And  soon,  throughout  all  London,  scattered  he 
The  "  only  genuine  poudare  for  de  flea." 
Engaged,  one  morning,  in  his  new  vocation 
Of  mingled  boasting  and  dissimulation. 
He  thought  he  heard  himself  in  anger  called ; 
And,  sure  enough,  the  self-same  woman  bawled — 
In  not  a  mild  or  very  tender  mood — 
From  the  same  window  where  before  she  stood. 


ISAAC  ROSENTHAL  ON  THE  CHINESE  QUESTION.      99 

"  Hey,  there,"  said  she,  "  you  Monsher  Powdor-maai ! 

Escape  my  clutches  now,  sir,  if  you  can ; 

I'll  let  you  dirty,  thieving  Frenchmen  know 

That  decent  people  won't  be  cheated  so." 

Then  spoke  Monsieur,  and  heaved  a  saintly  sigh, 

"With  humble  attitude  and  tearful  eye : 
"  Ah,  Madame  !  s'il  vous  plait,  attendez  vous, 

I  vill  dis  leetle  ting  explain  to  you  ; 

My  poudare  gran' !  magnifique  !  why  abuse  him  t 

Aha  I    I  show  you  how  to  use  him  ; 

First,  you  must  wait  until  you  catch de  flea: 

Den,  tickle  he  on  de  petite  rib,  you  see  ; 

And  when  he  laugh — aha  !  he  ope  his  throat ; 

Den  poke  de  poudare  down  ! — Bbgar  !  hb  chokb." 


ISAAC  ROSENTHAL  ON  THE  CHINESE 
QUESTION. 

ADAPTED  FBOU  AN  ABTICLE  tN  "SCBIBNEB'S  MOKTHLT." 

At  the  time  that  Congress  was  debating  upon  the  bill 
restricting  immigration  from  China,  I  was  endeavoring  to 
gather  from  various  sources  the  general  opinion  of  the 
pubhc  on  the  question. 

Mr.  Rosenthal,  who  was  proprietor  of  a  clothing  store  in 
Avenue  A,  had  been  mentioned  to  me  as  an  unusually  in- 
telligent German  Hebrew,  and  I  met  him  at  the  door  of 
his  store  looking  out  for  customers.  As  I  paused  for  a 
moment  he  addressed  me  thus : 

"  Gome  righd  in,  mein  hebe  Herr !  Don'd  mind  dot 
leedle  tog.  Ho  vill  not  pide  you.  I  geeb  him  to  trive  avay 
do  bad  leedle  poy  in  do  sthreed.    You  like  to  puy  zome 

very  coot  glothing?     I  can  zell  you  dot  goat— for • 

Nein?  Teufel!  Id  is  not  dot?  So!  And  you  vant  to 
speak  to  me  aboud  de  Shinamen  ?  Veil,  I  dell  you  dot 
you  gome  yust  to  de  righd  blace.  You  beddcr  don'd  go  no 
furder.  You  yust  gome  in  do  back  shtore,  you  take  ein 
glas  bier,  you  smoke  ein  gut  zigar — no,  not  dot — I  call 


J  00  HANS  BKEITM ANN'S  PAKTT. 

him  real  Harana,  bud  I  make  him  up-shtairs.  I  gif  you  a 
bedder  one  as  dot.  So!  I  lighd  him  for  you.  Now  I 
shpeag  mit  you  aboud  dem  Shinamen,  imd  you  put  vat  I 
say  in  de  baber,  pecause  de  bubhc  ought  to  know  vat  bad 
boobies  dey  ish.  I  keeb  last  year  ein  kleine  shop  mit  meta 
bruder — hish  name  is  Zolomon — and  ve  haf  yust  as  coot 
glothes  as  dem  dot  you  zee  dere,  and  von  day  dere  gome 
in  ein,  zwei,  drei  Shinamen,  and  zay  to  me,  'How  do, 
John  V  and  I  deU  him  dot  my  name  ish  not  John  ;  but  he 
only  laugh.  Den  he  zay,  '  You  got  some  coot  glothes, 
John  ?  S'pose  hab  got,  mi  likee  see.'  I  haf  such  vay  of 
shpeaking  nefer  heard,  but  I  can  a  leedle  undershtand, 
and  I  t'ink  dot  he  vill  not  know  a  coot  goad  ven  he  zee  id, 
and  I  show  him  some  dot  ish  not  of  the  brime  quahdy,  and 
vill  not  last  so  long  as  dot  kind  as  I  show  you,  and  I 
sharge  him  a  coot  brice,  and  he  look  at  him,  and  dry  him 
on,  and  I  dell  him  dot  id  vill  him  very  veil  fit.  Und  den 
dish  great  rasgal  he  say  to  me  dot  he  has  not  much  money 
got,  but  some  leedle  box  of  very  coot  tea,  und  he  make  a 
pargain  and  shwop  mit  me.  Und  I  t'ink  dot  I  make  mit 
him  a  coot  drade,  und  I  give  him  the  goat,  and  dake  de 
dea ;  and  he  say,  '  Chin  chin,  John,'  and  go  out,  and  I 
don'd  never  see  him  no  more.  Und  vat  you  tink  ?  ven  I 
open  dot  dea,  I  find  him  one  inch  coot,  and  below  dot  nod- 
ing  but  yust  rubbish,  and  some  schmall  bieces  of  iron  to 
make  him  heavy.  Und  so,  mein  liebe  Herr,  you  can  do 
reason  undershtand  dot  I  hke  not  to  have  dot  Shinese 
beobles  gome  to  New  York." 


HANS  BREITMANN'S  PARTY. 

BY  CHABLES  O.   LJELAND. 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  barty — dey  had  piano  blayin'. 
I  fell'd  in  lofe  mit  a  Merican  frau ;  her  name  vas  Madilda  Tane. 
She  hat  haar  as  prown  ash  a  pretzel,  her  eyes  vas  himmel-blne, 
And  ven  dey  looket  indo  mine  she  shplit  mine  heart  in  two.    . 


CAPTAIN  HUEKICANB  JONES  ON  THE  MIRACLES.     101 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  barty — I  vent  dero,  you'll  pe  pound. 

I  valzet  mit  der  Madilda  Tane,  uud  vent  shpinnen'  round  und 

round. 
De  pootiest  fraeulein  in  de  house  ;  she  vayed  'pout  dwo  hocndert 

pound, 
Und  efery  dime  she  gife  a  shoomp  she  make  the  vindows  sound. 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  barty — I  dells  you  it  cost  him  dear. 
Dey  rollt  in  more  as  sefen  kegs  of  foost-rate  lager  bier, 
Und  fenefer  dey  knocks  dc  shpickets  in  de  Deutschers  gifes  a  cheer. 
I  dinks  dat  so  fine  a  barty  nefer  come  to  a  hed  dis  year. 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  barty :  dere  all  vas  Sause  and  Brause. 
Yen  de  sooper  coomed  in,  de  gompany  did  make   demselfs  to 

house. 
Dey  ate  das  Brod  und  Gensy  broost,  de  Bratwurstund  Bratenfine, 
Und  vash  deir  Abendessen  down  mit  four  barrels  of  Neckar  wein. 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  barty — ve  all  cot  troonk  ass  bigs. 

I  poot  mine  mout'  to  a  parrel  of  bier  und  emtied  it  oop  mit  a 

schwigs. 
Und  den  I  gissed  MadUda  Tane  und  she  schlog  me  on  de  kop, 
Und  de  gompany  filed  mit  daple  legs  till  de  coonshtable  made  oos 

shtop. 

Hans  Breitmann  gife  a  barty — where  ish  dat  barty  nowT 
"VThere  is  de  lofely  golten  cloud  dat  float  on  de  moundain's  prow  t 
Where  is  de  himmelstrahlende  Stem,  do  star  of  de  shpirits'  light  f 
All  goned  afay  mit  de  lager  bier,  afay  in  de  ewigkeit. 


CAPTAIN  HURRICANE   JONES   ON 
THE  MIRACLES. 

FBOM  THE  ATLANTIO   MONTHLY. — BY   HARK  TWAIN. 

There  was  a  good  deal  of  pleasant  gossip  about  old 
Captain  "  Hurricane  "  Jones,  of  the  Pacific  Ocean,  peace 
to  his  ashes !  Two  or  three  of  us  present  had  known  him; 
I  particularly  well,  for  I  had  made  four  sea- voyages  with 
him.  He  was  a  very  remarkable  man.  He  was  bom  in  a 
ship ;  he  picked  up  what  little  education  he  had  among  his 


102    CAPTAIN  HTrERICASrE  JONES  ON  THE  MIEACLES. 

shipmates ;  he  began  life  in  the  forecastle,  and  climbed 
grade  by  grade  to  the  captaincy.  More  than  fifty  years  of 
his  sixty-five  were  spent  at  sea.  He  had  sailed  all  oceans, 
seen  all  lands,  and  borrowed  a  tint  from  all  climates. 
When  a  man  has  been  fifty  years  at  sea,  he  necessarily 
knows  nothing  of  men,  nothing  of  the  world  but  its  sur- 
face, nothing  of  the  world's  thought,  nothing  of  the  world's 
learning  but  its  ABC,  and  that  blurred  and  distorted  by 
the  imfocused  lenses  of  an  untrained  mind.  Such  a  man 
is  only  a  gray  and  bearded  child.  That  is  what  old  Hurri- 
cane Jones  was — simply  an  innocent,  lovable  old  infant. 
When  his  spirit  was  in  repose,  he  was  as  sweet  and  gentle 
as  a  girl ;  when  his  wrath  was  up,  he  was  a  hurricane  that 
made  his  nickname  seem  tamely  descriptive.  He  was  for- 
midable in  a  fight,  for  he  was  of  powerful  build  and  daunt- 
less courage.  He  was  frescoed  from  head  to  heel  with 
pictures  and  mottoes  tattooed  in  red  and  blue  India  ink. 
I  was  with  him  one  voyage  when  he  got  his  last  vacant 
space  tattooed.  This  vacant  space  was  around  his  left 
ankle.  During  three  days  he  stumped  about  the  ship  with 
his  ankle  bare  and  swollen,  and  this  legend  gleaming  red 
and  angry  out  from  a  clouding  of  India  ink :  ''  Virtue  is  its 
own  R'd."  (There  was  a  lack  of  room.)  He  was  deeply 
and  sincerely  pious,  and  swore  like  a  fish- woman.  He  con- 
sidered swearing  blameless,  because  sailors  would  not  imder- 
stand  an  order  unillumined  by  it.  He  was  a  profoimd 
Biblical  scholar — that  is,  he  thought  he  was.  He  believed 
everything  in  the  Bible,  but  he  had  his  own  methods  of 
arriving  at  his  beliefs.  He  was  of  the  "  advanced  "  school 
of  thinkers,  and  applied  natural  laws  to  the  interpretation 
of  aU  miracles,  somewhat  on  the  plan  of  the  people  who 
make  the  six  days  of  creation  six  geological  epochs,  and 
so  forth.  Without  being  aware  of  it,  he  was  a  rather 
severe  satire  on  modern  scientific  religionists.  Such  a  man 
as  I  have  been  describing  is  rabidly  fond  of  disquisition 
and  argument ;  one  knows  that  without  being  told  it. 


CAPTAIN  HtTEBICANE  JONES  ON  THE  MIHACLES.     103 

One  trip  the  captain  had  a  clergyman  on  board,  but  did 
not  know  he  was  a  clergyman,  since  the  passenger  list  did 
not  betray  the  fact.  He  took  a  great  liking  to  this  Rev. 
Mr.  Peters,  and  talked  with  him  a  great  deal :  told  him 
yams,  gave  him  toothsome  scraps  of  personal  history,  and 
wove  a  glittering  streak  of  profanity  through  his  garrulous 
fabric  that  was  refreshing  to  a  spirit  weary  of  the  dull 
neuti-ahties  of  undecorated  speech.  One  day  the  captain 
said,  "  Peters,  do  you  ever  read  the  Bible  ?" 

"  Well— yes." 

"  I  judge  it  ain't  often,  by  the  way  you  say  it.  Now 
you  tackle  it  in  dead  earnest  once,  and  you'll  find  it'll  pay. 
Don't  you  get  discouraged,  but  hang  right  on.  First  you 
won't  understand  it ;  but  by  and  by  things  will  begin  to 
clear  up,  and  then  you  wouldn't  lay  it  down  to  eat." 

*'  Yes,  I  have  heard  that  said." 

"  And  it's  so,  too.  There  ain't  a  book  that  begins  with 
it.  It  lays  over  'em  all,  Peters.  There's  some  pretty 
tough  things  in  it,  there  ain't  any  getting  aroimd  that ; 
but  you  stick  to  them  and  think  them  out,  and  when  once 
you  get  on  the  inside  everything's  plain  as  day." 

* '  The  miracles,  too,  captain  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir  !  the  miracles,  too.  Every  one  of  fliem.  Now, 
there's  that  business  with  the  prophets  of  Baal;  like 
enough  that  stumped  you  ?" 

"  Well,  I  don't  know  but—" 

"  Own  up,  now  j  it  stumped  you.  Well,  I  don't  wonder. 
You  hadn't  had  any  experience  in  raveling  such  things 
out,  and  naturally  it  was  too  many  for  you.  Would  you 
like  to  have  me  explain  that  thing  to  you,  and  show  you 
how  to  get  at  the  meat  of  these  matters  1" 

"  Indeed  I  would,  captain,  if  you  don't  mind." 

Then  the  captain  proceeded  as  foUows  :  "  111  do  it  with 
pleasure.  First,  you  see,  I  read  and  read,  and  thought 
and  thought,  till  I  got  to  understand  what  sort  of  people 
they  were  in  the  old  Bible  times,  and  then  after  that  it 


104    CAPTAIN  HURKICANE  JONES  ON  THE  MIRACLES. 

was  all  clear  and  easy.  Now  this  was  the  way  I  put  It 
up,  concemmg  Isaac*  and  the  prophets  of  Baal.  There 
was  some  mighty  sharp  men  amongst  the  public  characters 
of  that  old  ancient  day,  and  Isaac  was  one  of  them.  Isaac 
had  his  failings,  plenty  of  them,  too ;  it  ain't  for  me  to 
apologize  for  Isaac ;  he  played  it  on  the  prophets  of  Baal, 
and  like  enough  he  was  justifiable,  considering  the  odds 
that  was  against  him.  No ;  aU  I  say  is  't  wa'n't  any 
miracle,  and  that  I'll  show  you  so's  't  you  can  see  it  your- 
self. 

"  Well,  times  had  been  getting  rougher  and  rougher  for 
prophets — that  is,  prophets  of  Isaac's  denomination.  There 
was  four  hundred  and  fifty  prophets  of  Baal  in  the  com- 
munity, and  only  one  Presbyterian — that  is,  if  Isaac  was  a 
Presbyterian,  which  I  reckon  he  was,  but  it  don't  say. 
Naturally,  the  prophets  of  Baal  took  all  the  trade.  Isaac 
was  very  low-spirited,  I  reckon ;  but  he  was  a  good  deal 
of  a  man,  and  no  doubt  he  went  a-prophesying  around, 
letting  on  to  be  doing  a  land-ofiice  business,  but 't  wa'n't 
any  use ;  he  couldn't  run  any  opposition  to  amount  to  any- 
thing. By  and  by  things  got  desperate  with  him ;  he  sets 
his  head  to  work  and  thinks  it  all  out,  and  then  what  does 
he  do  ?  "Why,  he  begins  to  throw  out  hiats  that  the  other 
parties  are  this  and  that  and  t'other,  nothing  very  defi- 
nite, may  be,  but  just  kind  of  undermining  their  reputation 
in  a  quiet  way.  This  made  talk,  of  course,  and  finally  got 
to  the  king.  The  king  asked  Isaac  what  he  meant  by  his 
talk.  Says  Isaac, 'Oh,  nothing  particular;  only,  can  they 
pray  down  fire  from  heaven  on  an  altar  ?  It  ain't  much, 
may  be,  your  majesty,  only  can  they  do  it  ?  That's  the 
idea.'  So  the  king  was  a  good  deal  disturbed,  and  he  went 
to  the  prophets  of  Baal,  and  they  said,  pretty  airy,  that  if 
he  had  an  altar  ready,  ihey  were  ready ;  and  they  inti- 
mated he  better  get  it  insured,  too. 

*  Thia  is  the  captain's  own  mistake. 


CAPTAIN  HURRICANE  JONES  ON  THE  MIRACLES.     105 

"  So  next  moraing  all  the  children  of  Israel  and  their 
parents  and  the  other  people  gathered  themselves  together. 
"Well,  here  was  that  great  crowd  of  prophets  of  Baal  packed 
together  on  one  side,  and  Isaac  walking  up  and  down  all 
alone  on  the  other,  putting  up  his  job.  When  time  was 
called,  Isaac  let  on  to  be  comfortable  and  indifferent ;  told 
the  other  team  to  take  the  first  innings.  So  they  went  at 
it,  the  whole  four  hundred  and  fifty,  praying  aroimd  the 
altar,  very  hopeful,  and  doing  their  level  best.  They 
prayed  an  hour — two  hours — three  hours — and  so  on,  plumb 
till  noon.  It  wa'n't  any  use ;  they  hadn't  took  a  trick.  Of 
course  they  felt  kind  of  ashamed  before  aU  those  people, 
and  well  they  might.  Now,  what  would  a  magnanimous 
man  do?  Keep  still,  wouldn't  he?  Of  course.  What 
did  Isaac  do  ?  He  graveled  the  prophets  of  Baal  every 
way  he  could  think  of.  Says  he,  '  You  don't  speak  up 
loud  enough ;  your  god's  asleep,  like  enough,  or  may  be 
he's  taking  a  walk;  you  want  to  holler,  you  know,'  or 
words  to  that  effect ;  I  don't  recollect  the  exact  language. 
Mind,  I  don't  apologize  for  Isaac — he  had  his  faults. 

"  Well,  the  prophets  of  Baal  prayed  along  the  best  they 
knew  how  all  the  afternoon,  and  never  raised  a  spark.  At 
last,  about  simdown,  they  were  all  tuckered  out,  and  they 
owned  up  and  quit. 

"  What  does  Isaac  do  now  f  He  steps  up  and  says  to 
some  friends  of  his,  there,  '  Pour  four  barrels  of  water  on 
the  altar !'  Everybody  was  astonished ;  for  the  other  side 
had  prayed  at  it  dry,  you  know,  and  got  whitewashed. 
They  poured  it  on.  Says  he,  'Heave  on  four  more  barrels.' 
Then  he  says,  '  Heave  on  four  more.'  Twelve  bairels,  you 
see,  altogether.  The  water  ran  all  over  the  altar,  and  all 
down  the  sides,  and  filled  up  a  trench  around  it  that  would 
hold  a  couple  of  hogsheads — '  measures,'  it  says ;  I  reckon 
it  means  about  a  hogshead.  Some  of  the  people  were  go- 
ing to  put  on  their  things  and  go,  for  they  allowed  he  was 
crazy.    They  didn't  know  Isaac.    Isaac  knelt  down  and 


106  SHOO  FLIES. 

began  to  pray :  he  strung  along,  and  strung  along,  about 
the  heathen  m  distant  lands,  and  about  the  sister  churches, 
and  about  the  state  and  the  country  at  large,  and  about 
those  that's  in  authority  in  the  government,  and  all  the 
usual  programme,  you  know,  till  everybody  had  got  tired 
and  gone  to  thinking  about  something  else,  and  then,  all 
of  a  sudden,  when  nobody  was  noticing,  he  outs  with  a 
match  and  rakes  it  on  the  under  side  of  his  leg,  and  pff ! 
up  the  whole  thing  blazes  like  a  house  afire!  Twelve 
barrels  of  water  ?  Petroleum,  sir — petroleum  1  that's 
what  it  was !" 

"Petroleum,  captain?" 

"  Yes,  sir ;  the  coimtry  was  full  of  it.  Isaac  knew  all 
about  that.  You  read  the  Bible.  Don't  you  worry  about 
the  tough  places.  They  ain't  tough  when  you  come  to 
think  them  out  and  throw  light  on  them.  There  ain't  a 
thing  in  the  Bible  but  what  is  true ;  all  you  want  is  to  go 
prayerfully  to  work  and  cipher  out  how  't  was  done." 


SHOO     FLIES. 

AS  BECITED  BY  TON  BOTLE. 

Dose  efening  clouds  vas  sedding  fast, 
As  a  young  mans  drough  der  fillage  passed, 
Shkating  along  mid  shtorm  and  hail, 
Mit  dese  vords  tied  by  his  coat-tail — 
Shoo  Flies. 
"  Oh,  don't  go  oudt  such  a  night  like  dose  I" 
His  mudder  cried :  "you  vill  got  froze ; 
Dot  Shack  Frost  he  vill  nip  your  ear : " 
lie  only  answered  mit  a  shneer — 
Shoo  Flip. 
"  Come  pack,  come  pack,"  der  oldt  man  said: 
"  Come  here,  und  eadt  dis  biece  of  pread." 
He  yest  looked  down,  nnd  hofe  a  sigh, 
I  vas  a  hunkey  boy  mit  a  glass  eye — 
Shoo  Strings. 


A  DUTCHMAN'S  ANSWER.  107 

Higher  und  higher  dot  young  mans  vent ; 
For  der  shtorms  he  didn't  care  a  cent. 
He  flipped  de  shnow  off  his  nose  und  ear, 
Und  deso  vords  vas  heard,  so  shtill  und  clear — 
Shoe  Tacks. 

In  about  a  veek,  or  maype  more, 
Der  people  heard  an  awful  roar, 
Dot  sounded  loud  und  far  und  vide, 
Von  vay  up  of  der  moundain  side — 
Shoemaker! 

Two  mens  vos  oudt  a-shooting  shnipes, 
Und  vhile  dey  shtopped  to  shmoke  der  bipes, 
Und  vhen  dey  happened  to  look  around, 
Dey  saw  dot  shticking  from  de  ground — 
Kalamazoo! 


A  DUTCHMAN'S  ANSWER. 

Bill  Jones  was  going  to  get  married  a  day  or  two  ago, 
and  he  forgot  whar  de  minister  libed ;  so  he  started  to  find 
him  out,  so  as  to  hab  him  come  to  de  house  an'  perform  de 
marriage  ceremony.  So  arter  getting  along  down  de  road 
for  two  or  free  miles,  he  became  fearful  ob  gettin'  on  de 
wrong  track.  So  he  says  to  a  big  Dutchman :  "I  say,  can 
you  teU  me  where  Mr.  Swackelhammer,  de  preacher,  lives?" 
and  de  Dutchman  said,  "  Yaw.  You  just  valk  de  road  up 
to  de  creek,  an'  down  de  pritch  over  up  shtreme,  den  you 
just  go  on  till  you  cum  to  a  road  what  vinds  de  woots 
around  a  school-house  ;  but  you  don't  take  dat  road.  Veil, 
den,  you  go  on  till  you  meet  a  pig-pen  shingled  mit  straw, 
den  you  dum  de  road  roimd  de  field,  and  go  on  till  you 
come  to  pig  red  house.  Den  you  turn  dat  house  around  de 
bam,  and  see  a  road  dat  goes  up  in  do  woots.  Den  you 
don't  take  dat  road  too.  Den  you  go  straight  on,  and  de 
fust  house  you  meet  is  a  hay-stack,  and  de  next  is  a  bar- 
rack.   Vel,  he  don't  live  dere.    Den  you  will  get  a  Uttle 


108  THE  FEENCHMAN  AND  THE  EATS. 

fiirder,  and  you  see  a  house  on  top  de  hill,  about  a  mile, 
and  you  go  in  dere  an'  ax  de  old  voman,  an'  she  wiU  tell 
you  bedder  as  I  can." 


THE  FRENCHMAN  AND  THE  RATS. 

A  CKT.KBRATgP  COmC  BECITATION. 

A  Frenchman  once,  who  was  a  merry  wight. 
Passing  to  town  from  Dover  in  the  night, 
JTear  the  road-side  an  ale-honse  chanced  to  spy ; 
And  being  rather  tired  as  well  as  dry, 
Kesolved  to  enter ;  but  first  he  took  a  peep, 
In  hopes  a  supper  he  might  get,  and  cheap. 
He  enters  :  "  Hallo !  Gargon,  if  you  please. 
Bring  me  a  leetle  bread  and  cheese. 
And  hallo !  Garpon,  a  pot  of  portar,  too !"  he  said, 
"  Vich  I  shaU  take,  and  den  myself  to  bed." 

His  supper  done,  some  scraps  of  cheese  were  left, 
"WTiich  our  poor  Frenchman,  thinking  it  no  theft, 
Into  his  pocket  put;  then  slowly  crept 
To  wished-for  bed ;  but  not  a  wink  he  slept — 
For  on  the  floor  some  sacks  of  flour  were  laid, 
To  which  the  rats  a  nightly  visit  paid. 

Our  hero,  now  undressed,  popped  out  the  light, 
Put  on  his  cap,  and  bade  the  world  good-night ; 
But  first  his  breeches,  which  contained  the  fare, 
Under  his  pillow  he  had  placed  with  care. 

Sans  c^r^monie  soon  the  rats  all  ran. 
And  on  the  flour-sacks  greedily  began  ; 
At  which  they  gorged  themselves  ;  then  smelling  round, 
Under  the  pillow  soon  the  cheese  they  found : 
And  while  at  this  they  regaling  sat, 
Their  happy  jaws  disturbed  the  Frenchman's  nap  ; 
Who,  half  awake,  cries  out,  "  HaUo !  hallo ! 
Yat  is  datnibbel  at  my  pillow  so  ? 
Ah  !  'tis  one  big  huge  rat ! 
Vat  de  diable  is  it  he  nibbel,  nibbel  at  t" 

In  vain  our  little  hero  sought  repose  ; 
Sometimes  the  venmn  galloped  o'er  his  nose ; 


HOW  JAKE  SCrofEIDEB  WENT  BLIND.  109 

And  snch  the  pranks  they  kept  up  all  the  night 

That  he,  on  end  antipodes  upright, 

Bawling  aloud,  called  stoutly  for  a  light. 
"Hallo !  Maison !  Garpon,  I  say ! 

Bring  me  the  bill  for  vat  I  have  to  pay  !" 

The  bill  was  brought,  and  to  his  great  surprise, 

Ten  shillings  was  the  charge ;  he  scarce  believes  his  eyes ; 

with  eager  haste  he  runs  it  o'er. 

And  every  time  he  viewed  it  thought  it  more. 
"  Vy  zounds  and  zounds  \"  he  cries,  "  I  sail  no  pay ; 

Vat,  charge  ten  shelangs  for  vat  I  have  mang6 1 

Aleetle  sup  of  portar,  dis  vile  bed 

Tare  all  de  rats  do  run  about  my  head  T" 
"  Plague  on  those  rats  I"  the  landlord  muttered  out ; 

I  wish,  upon  my  word,  that  I  could  make  'em  scout ; 

I'll  pay  him  well  that  can."    "  Vat's  dat  you  say  t" 
* '  m  pay  him  well  that  can."     "  Attend  to  me,  I  pray ; 

VUl  you  dis  charge  forego,  vat  I  am  at, 

If  from  your  house  I  drive  away  de  rat  t" 
"  With  all  my  heart,"  thejoUy  host  replies; 
"  Ecoutez  done,  ami,"  the  Frenchman  cries. 
"  First,  den — Regardez,  if  you  please. 

Bring  to  this  spot  a  leetal  bread  and  cheese ; 

Eh  bien !  a  pot  of  portar,  too ; 

And  den  invite  de  rats  to  sup  vid  you. 

And  after  dat — no  matter  dey  be  villing — 

For  vat  dey  eat,  you  charge  dem  jest  ten  shelang. 

And  I  am  sure,  ven  dey  behold  de  score, 

Dey'U  quit  your  house,  and  never  come  no  more." 


HOW  JAKE  SCHNEIDER  WENT  BLIND. 

DUTCH  DIALECT  8TOBY. 

In  Germantown,  near  Philadelphia,  several  years  ago,  a 
native,  simple-minded  Dutchman,  named  Jacob  Schneider, 
kept  a  liquor  and  lager-bier  saloon.  Jacob  was  not  only 
fond  of  drinking  lager  with  his  customers,  but  would  not 
refuse  either  corn-juice,  red-eye,  or  Jersey  lightning,  when 
asked  to  imbibe  thereof  in  a  social  way — the  customer,  of 


110  HOW  JAKE  SCKNEIDEK  WEST  BLIND. 

course,  paying  an  extra  half-dime  for  Jacob's  drink.  One 
would,  not  suppose  that  this  friendly  habit  could,  by  any 
possibility,  bring  trouble  and  vexation  upon  honest  Jacob, 
but  it  did,  as  we  shall  presently  show. 

One  eventful  night  it  was  observed  that  Schneider  had 
shut  up  his  saloon  and  gone  home  full  an  hour  earUerthan 
usual.  Being  asked,  next  day,  what  was  the  matter,  he 
told  the  following  droll  story : 

"  I  shut  up  mine  blace  pecause  I  vas  mat  as  ter  tyfel, 
and  vas  humpugged  into  der  pargain.  I'll  tell  you  'pout  it. 
Yer  see,  dree  or  four  young  shcamps  gomes  into  mine  sa- 
loon, and  one  says  to  me,  'Yacob,  you  got  some  fresh 
lager  V  I  says  '  yaas,'  and  I  draws  der  lager ;  anoder  von 
says  he  vants  gards,  and  I  prings  de  gards,  and  da  blays 
gards.  Pimeby  noder  says,  '  Yacob,  old  poy,  let's  have 
some  ret-eye ;  and  mind  you,  Yacob,  pring  an  extra  glass 
for  yourself'  VeU  den,  I  prings  der  pottle  of  ret-eye,  and 
da  drinks  two  dree  dimes,  and  I  drinks  mit  'em  two  dree 
dimes ;  and  I  gets  so  tarn  trunk  dat  I  lies  down  on  der 
pench  and  goes  to  shleep.  Ven  I  vakes  up,  der  room  ish 
dark  as  der  tyfel,  put  I  hears  der  young  chaps  calling  der 
gards ;  von  says,  '  bass  !'  nodder  says,  '  left  power !— right 
power !'  den  nodder  von,  he  says,  '  uker'd,'  and  shwears 
like  a  drooper.  Da  vas  all  blaying  at  der  taple,  shust  as 
da  vas  ven  I  goes  to  shleep,  but  mine  eyes  vas  nix — I  could 
shust  see  notting  at  all — the  room  vas  bitch  dark.  So  I 
dinks  I  vas  plind,  and  I  feel  pad,  and  I  cry  out,  '  0,  mine 
Gott !  I  p'lieve  I'm  shtruck  plind !' — Den  der  young  chaps 
leaves  der  table  and  gomes  vhere  I  vas,  and  makes  pleeve 
da  very  sorry.  One  says,  '  Poor  Yacob !  you  no  can  see — 
vat  vill  der  poor  man's  vamerly  do !'  Nodder  call  me  poor 
cuss,  and  says  I  no  pusiness  to  trink  noding  stronger  dan 
lager.  I  got  mat  den — ^mat  as  dunder — and  I  says  to  him, 
'  Vy,  den,  you  vants  me  to  diink  it  mit  you  ?  I  pleeve 
you  put  shtuflf  in  der  liquor  to  make  me  plind  !'  Den  he 
laughs  at  me,  and  says  I  needn't  trink  if  Idid'ntpe  a  mind 


MONSIEUK  TONSON.  Ill 

to.  Shust  den  von  little  poy  gomes  to  der  door  mit  a 
lantern,  and  I  finds  out  der  drick  da  vas  blaying  me — I  see 
shust  as  goot  as  ever  !  Der  rascals  had  plow  out  der  lights 
and  make  p'leeve  play  uker  to  vool  me  !  I  told  'em  twaa 
all  humpug,  and  they  petter  glear  out,  for  I  vouldn't  hght 
up  no  more.    Dat's  vat  mine  shaloon  vas  shut  up  for." 


MONSIEUR   TONSON. 

AFAVOBITE  BECITATION. — FBKNCH  DIAUECT. — BY  JOHN  TAYIiOB. 

There  lived,  as  Fame  reports,  in  days  of  yore, 
At  least  some  fifty  years  ago  or  more, 

A  pleasant  wight  on  town,  yclept  Tom  King — 
A  fellow  that  was  clever  at  a  joke, 
Expert  in  aU  the  arts  to  tease  and  smoke ; 

In  short,  for  strokes  of  humor  quite  the  thing. 

To  many  a  jovial  club  this  King  was  known, 
"With  whom  his  active  wit  unrivalled  shone ; 

Choice  spirit,  grave  free-mason,  buck  and  blood, 
"Would  crowd,  his  stories  and  bon-mots  to  hear, 
And  none  a  disappointment  e'er  could  fear. 

His  humor  flowed  in  such  a  copious  flood. 

To  him  a  frolic  was  a  high  delight : 

A  frolic  he  would  hunt  for,  day  and  night, 

Careless  how  prudence  on  the  sport  might  frown. 
If  e'er  a  pleasant  mischief  sprang  to  view. 
At  once  o'er  hedge  and  ditch  away  he  flew, 

Ifor  left  the  game  till  he  had  run  it  down. 

One  night  our  hero,  rambling  with  a  friend, 
Near  famed  St.  Giles's  chanced  his  course  to  bend, 

Just  by  that  spot  the  Seven  Dials  hight. 
"Twas  silence  all  around,  and  clear  the  coast. 
The  watch,  as  usual,  dozing  on  his  post, 

And  scarce  a  lamp  displayed  a  twinkling  light. 

Around  this  place  there  lived  the  numerous  clans 
Of  honest,  plodding,  foreign  artisans, 


112  MONSIEUB  TONSON. 

Known  at  that  time  by  name  of  refugees. 
The  rod  of  persecution  from  their  home 
Compelled  the  inoffensive  race  to  roam, 

And  here  they  lighted,  like  a  swarm  of  bees. 

"Well !  our  two  friends  were  sauntering  through  the  street. 
In  hopes  some  food  for  hnmor  soon  to  meet, 

"When  in  a  window  near,  a  light  they  view; 
And,  though  a  dim  and  melancholy  ray, 
It  seemed  the  prologue  to  some  merry  play, 

So  towards  the  gloomy  dome  our  hero  drew. 

Straight  at  the  door  he  gave  a  thundering  knock 
(The  time  we  may  suppose  near  two  o'clock). 
"I'll  ask,"  said  King,  "if  Thompson  lodges  here." 
"  Thompson,"  cries  t'other,  "  who  the  devil's  he  V 
"  I  know  not,"  King  replies,  "  but  want  to  see 
"What  kind  of  animal  will  now  appear." 

After  some  time  a  little  Frenchman  came ; 

One  hand  displayed  a  rushlight's  trembling  flame. 

The  other  held  a  thing  they  called  culotte ; 
An  old  striped  woolen  nightcap  graced  his  head, 
A  tattered  waistcoat  o'er  one  shoulder  spread ; 

Scarce  half  awake  he  heaved  a  yawning  note. 

Though  thus  imtimely  roused  he  courteous  smiled. 
And  soon  addressed  our  wag  in  accents  mild. 

Bending  his  head  politely  to  his  knee : 
"  Pray,  sare,  vat  vant  you,  dat  you  come  so  late  ? 
I  beg  your  pardon,  sare,  to  make  you  vait ; 

Pray  teU  me,  sare,  vat  your  commands  vid  me  V 

"  Sir,"  replied  King,  "  I  merely  thought  to  know. 
As  by  your  house  I  chanced  to-night  to  go 

(But,  really,  I  disturbed  your  sleep,  I  fear), 
I  say,  I  thought  that  you  perhaps  could  teU, 
Among  the  folks  who  in  this  quarter  dwell. 
If  there's  a  Mr.  Thompson  lodges  here." 

The  shivering  Frenchman,  though  not  pleased  to  find 
The  business  of  this  unimportant  kind, 
Too  simple  to  suspect  'twas  meant  in  jeer, 


MONSIETIR  TONSON.  113 

Shrugged  out  a  sigh  that  thus  his  rest  was  broke, 
Then,  with  unaltered  courtesy,  he  spoke : 
"  No,  sare,  no  Monsieur  Tonson  lodges  here." 

Onr  wag  begged  pardon  and  toward  home  he  sped. 
While  the  poor  Frenchman  crawled  again  to  bed. 

But  King  resolved  not  thus  to  drop  the  jest; 
So,  the  next  night,  with  more  of  whim  than"grace. 
Again  he  made  a  visit  to  the  place, 

To  break  once  more  the  poor  old  Frenchman's  rest 

He  knocked — but  waited  longer  than  before ; 
No  footstep  seemed  approaching  to  the  door ; 

Our  Frenchman  lay  in  such  a  sleep  profound. 
King  with  the  knocker  thundered  then  again, 
Firm  on  his  post  determined  to  remain ; 

And  oft,  indeed,  he  made  the  door  resound. 

At  last  King  hears  him  o'er  the  passage  creep, 
"Wondering  what  fiend  again  disturbed  his  sleep ; 

The  wag  salutes  him  with  a  civil  leer; 
Thus  drawling  out  to  heighten  the  surprise, 
"WTiile  the  poor  Frenchman  rubbed  his  heavy  eyes, 
*'  Is  there — a  Mr.  Thompson — lodges  hero  t" 

The  Frenchman  faltered  with  a  kind  of  fright, 
"  Vy,  sare,  I'm  sure  I  told  you,  sare,  last  night," 

(And  here  he  labored  with  a  sigh  sincere), 
"  No  Monsieur  Tonson  in  the  varld  I  know, 
No  Monsieur  Tonson  here — I  told  you  so ; 
Indeed,  sare,  dare  no  Monsieur  Tonson  here !" 

Some  more  excuses  tendered,  off  King  goes, 
And  the  old  Frenchman  sought  once  more  repose. 

The  rogue  next  night  pursued  his  old  career. 
'Twas  long  indeed  before  the  man  came  nigh, 
And  then  ho  uttered  in  a  piteous  cry, 
**  Sare,  'pon  my  soul,  no  Monsieur  Tonson  here !" 

Our  sportive  wight  his  usual  visit  paid, 

And  the  next  night  came  forth  a  prattling  maid, 

Whose  tongue,  indeed,  than  any  Jack  went  faster ; 
Anxious,  she  strove  his  errand  to  inquire, 


114  MONSIETJE  TONSON. 

He  said  't  vras  vain  her  pretty  tongue  to  tire, 

He  should  not  stir  till  he  had  seen  her  master. 
The  damsel  then  began,  in  doleful  state, 
The  Frenchman's  broken  slumbers  to  relate. 

And  begged  he'd  call  at  proper  time  of  day. 
King  told  her  she  must  fetch  her  master  down, 
A  chaise  was  ready,  he  was  leaving  town. 
But  first  had  much  of  deep  concern  to  say. 

Thus  urged,  she  went  the  snoring  man  to  call. 
And  long,  indeed,  was  she  obliged  to  bawl. 

Ere  she  could  rouse  the  torpid  lump  of  clay. 
At  last  he  wakes ;  he  rises ;  and  he  swears ; 
But  scarcely  had  he  tottered  down  the  stairs, 

"WTien  King  attacked  him  in  his  usual  way. 
The  Frenchman  now  perceived  'twas  all  in  vain 
To  his  tormentor  mildly  to  complain. 

And  straight  in  rage  began  his  crest  to  rear : 
"  Sare,  vat  the  devil  make  yon  treat  me  so  f 
Sare,  I  inform  you,  sare,  tree  nights  ago. 

Got  dam — I  swear,  no  Monsieur  Tonson  here !" 

True  as  the  night,  King  went,  and  heard  a  strife 
Between  the  harassed  Frenchman  and  his  wife. 

Which  would  descend  to  chase  the  fiend  away. 
At  length,  to  join  their  forces  they  agree. 
And  straight  impetuously  they  turn  the  key. 

Prepared  with  mutual  fury  for  the  fray. 
Our  hero,  with  the  firmness  of  a  rock. 
Collected  to  receive  the  mighty  shock. 

Uttering  the  old  inquiry,  calmly  stood. 
The  name  of  Thompson  raised  the  storm  so  high. 
He  deemed  it  then  the  safest  plan  to  fly, 

"With  "  "Well,  FU  call  when  you're  in  gentler  mood." 
In  short,  our  hero,  with  the  same  intent. 
Full  many  a  night  to  plague  the  Frenchman  went, 

So  fond  of  mischief  was  the  wicked  wit. 
They  throw  out  water ;  for  the  watch  they  call ; 
But  King,  expecting,  still  escapes  from  all. 

Monsieur  at  last  was  forced  his  house  to  quit. 


I  VASH  SO  GLAD  I  VASH  HEKE.  115 

It  happened  that  our  wag  about  this  time 

On  some  fair  prospect  sought  the  Eastern  clime ; 

Six  lingering  years  were  there  his  tedious  lot. 
At  length,  content  amid  his  ripening  store, 
He  treads  again  on  Britain's  happy  shore, 

And  his  long  absence  is  at  once  forgot. 

To  London  with  impatient  hope  he  flies, 
And  the  same  night,  as  former  freaks  arise. 
He  fain  must  stroll,  the  weU-known  haunt  to  trace. 
"  Ah,  here's  the  scene  of  frequent  mirth,"  he  said ; 
"  My  poor  old  Frenchman,  I  suppose,  is  dead ; 

Egad,  I'll  knock,  and  see  who  holds  the  place." 

With  rapid  strokes  he  makes  the  mansion  roar, 
And  while  he  eager  eyes  the  opening  door, 

Lo '.  who  obeys  the  Icnocker's  rattling  peal  ? 
Why,  e'en  our  little  Frenchman,  strange  to  say  I 
Ho  took  his  old  abode  that  very  day — 

Capricious  turn  of  sportive  Fortune's  wheel  I — 

Without  one  thought  of  the  relentless  foe. 
Who,  fiend-like,  haunted  him  so  long  ago. 

Just  in  his  former  trim  he  now  appears ;  ^ 

The  waistcoat  and  the  nightcap  seemed  the  same ; 
With  rushlight,  as  before,  he  creeping  came. 

And  King's  detested  voice  astonished  hears. 

As  if  some  hideous  spectre  struck  his  sight, 
His  senses  seemed  bewildered  with  aSright, 

His  face,  indeed,  bespoke  a  heart  full  sore ; 

Then  starting,  he  exclaimed  in  rueful  strain, 

"  Bcgar !  here's  Monsieur  Tonson  come  again !" 

Away  he  ran,  and  ne'er  was  heard  of  more. 


I  VASH  SO  GLAn  I  VASH  HERE. 

A  HCMOBOU8  RECITATION. 

One  who  does  not  believe  in  immersion  for  baptism  was 
holding  a  protracted  meeting,  and  one  night  preached  on 
the  subject  of  baptism.  In  the  com-se  of  his  remarks  he 
said  that  some  beUeve  it  necessary  to  go  down  in  the  wa- 


116        I  VASH  SO  GLAD  I  VASH  HERE. 

ter,  and  come  up  out  of  it,  to  be  baptized.  But  this  he 
claimed  to  be  fallacy,  for  the  preposition  "  into  "  of  the 
Scriptures  should  be  rendered  differently,  as  it  does  not 
mean  into  at  all  times.  "  Moses,"  he  said,  "  we  are  told, 
went  up  into  the  mountain ;  and  the  Saviour  was  taken 
up  into  a  high  mountain,  etc.  Now  we  do  not  suppose 
either  went  into  a  mountain,  but  went  imto  it.  So  with  going 
down  into  the  water;  it  means  simply  going  down  close  by 
or  near  to  the  water,  and  being  baptized  in  the  ordinary 
way,  by  sprinkhng  or  pouring."  He  carried  this  idea  out 
fuUy,  and  in  due  season  closed  his  discourse,  when  an 
invitation  was  given  for  any  one  so  disposed  to  rise  and 
express  his  thoughts.  Quite  a  number  of  his  brethren 
arose  and  said  they  were  glad  they  had  been  present  on 
this  occasion,  that  they  were  well  pleased  with  the  sound 
sermon  they  had  just  heard,  and  felt  their  souls  greatly 
blessed.  Finally,  a  corpulent  gentleman  of  Teutonic  extrac- 
tion, a  stranger  to  all,  arose  and  broke  the  silence  that 
was  almost  painful,  as  follows : 

''Mister  Breacher,  I  is  so  glad  I  vash  here  to-night, 
for  I  has  had  explained  to  my  mint  some  dings  dat  I  never 
could  pehef  before.  Oh,  I  is  so  glad  dat  into  does  not 
mean  into  at  all,  but  shust  close  py  or  near  to,  for  now  I 
can  pelief  many  dings  vot  I  could  not  pelief  pefore.  We 
reat,  Mr.  Breacher,  dat  Taniel  vos  cast  into  de  ten  of  hons, 
and  came  out  ahfe.  Now  I  neflfer  could  pelief  dat,  for 
wilt  peasts  would  shust  eat  him  right  off;  but  now  it  js  fery 
clear  to  my  mint.  He  vash  shust  close  py  or  near  to,  and 
tid  not  get  into  de  ten  at  all.  Oh,  I  ish  so  glad  I  vash  here 
to-night.  Again  we  reat  dat  de  Heprew  children  vas  cast 
into  de  firish  furnace,  and  dat  always  look  hke  a  beeg  story 
too,  for  they  would  have  been  pumt  up;  but  it  ish  all 
blain  to  my  mint  now,  for  dey  was  shust  cast  py  or  close 
to  de  firish  furnace.  Oh,  I  vas  so  glad  I  vash  here  to- 
night. And  den,  Mr.  Breacher,  it  ish  said  dat  Jonah 
vash  cast  into  de  sea,  and  taken  into  de  whale's  pelly. 


VAT  TOTJ  PLEASE.  117 

Now  I  nefiFer  could  pelief  dat.  It  alwish  seemed  to  me  to 
bo  a  peeg  fish  story,  but  it  ish  all  blain  to  my  mint  now. 
He  vash  not  into  de  whale's  pelly  at  all,  but  shump  onto 
his  pack  and  rode  ashore.  Oh,  I  vash  so  glad  I  vash  hero 
to-night. 

"And  now,  Mister  Breacher,  if  you  will  shust  exblain 
two  more  bassages  of  Scriptures,  I  shall  be  oh,  so  happy 
dat  I  vas  here  to-night !  One  of  dem  ish  vere  it  saish  de 
vicked  shall  be  cast  into  a  lake  dat  bums  mit  fire  and 
primstone  alwish.  Oh,  Mister  Breacher,  shall  I  be  cast 
into  dat  lake  if  I  am  vicked,  or  shust  close  py  or  near  to 
— shust  near  enough  to  be  comfortable?  Oh,  I  hope  you 
tell  me  I  shall  be  cast  only  shust  py  a  good  veys  oft^  and  I 
vill  pe  so  glad  I  vash  here  to-night.  De  oder  bassage  is 
dat  vich  saish  blessed  are  they  who  do  these  command- 
ments, dat  dey  may  have  right  to  de  dree  of  Ufe,  and  enter 
in  droo  de  gates  of  de  city,  and  not  shust  close  py  or  near 
to — shust  near  enough  to  see  vat  I  have  lost — and  I  shall 
pe  so  glad  I  vash  here  to-night." 


VAT  YOU  PLEASE. 

A  POPUIAB  COMIC  EECXTATION.— BY  PLAKCHfc 

Some  years  ago,  when  civil  facticn 

Baged  like  a  fury  through  the  fields  of  Gaul, 

And  children,  in  the  general  distraction, 

TVere  taught  to  curse  as  soon  as  they  could  squall ; 

When  common-sense  in  common  folks  was  dead, 

And  mnrder  show'd  a  love  of  nationality. 

And  France,  determined  not  to  have  a  head, 

Decapitated  all  the  higher  class, 

To  put  folks  more  on  an  equality ; 

When  coronets  were  not  worth  half-a-crown, 

And  liberty,  in  bonnet-rouge,  might  pass 

For  Mother  Red-cap  up  at  Camden  town ; 

Full  many  a  Frenchman  then  took  wing, 

Bidding  soupe-maigre  an  abrupt  farewell, 


118  VAT  TOU  PLEASE. 

And  hither  came  pell-meU, 

Sans  cash,  sans  clothes,  and  almost  sans  everything! 

Two  Messieurs  who  about  this  time  came  over, 

Half-starved,  but  toujours  gai 

(No  weasels  e'er  were  thinner), 

Trudged  up  to  town  from  Dover ; 

Their  slender  store  exhausted  in  the  way, 

Extremely  puzzled  how  to  get  a  dinner. 

From  mom  till  noon,  from  noon  tiQ  dewy  eve, 

Our  Frenchmen  wander'd  on  their  expedition : 

Great  was  their  need  and  sorely  did  they  grieve. 

Stomach  and  pocket  in  the  same  condition ! 

At  length  by  mutual  consent  they  parted. 

And  different  ways  on  the  same  errand  started.  ^ 

This  happened  on  a  day  most  dear 

To  epicures,  when  general  use 

Sanctions  the  roasting  of  the  sav'ry  goose. 

Towards  night,  one  Frenchman,  at  a  tavern  near, 

Stopp'd,  and  beheld  the  glorious  cheer ; 

While  greedily  he  snuff'd  the  luscious  gale  in. 

That  from  the  kitchen  window  was  exhaling. 

And  snuff'd  and  long'd;  and  long'd  and  snuff'd  again. 

Necessity's  the  mother  of  invention, 

(A  proverb  I've  heard  many  mention  ;) 

So  now  one  moment  saw  his  plan  completed, 

And  our  sly  Frenchman  at  a  table  seated. 

The  ready  waiter  at  his  elbow  stands — 

"  Sir,  will  you  favor  me  with  your  commands  ? 
We've  roast  and  boil'd,  sir ;  choose  you  those  or  these  f" 

"  Sare !  you  are  very  good,  sir !     Vat  you  please." 

Quick  at  the  word. 

Upon  the  table  smokes  the  wish'd-for  bird. 
No  time  in  talking  did  he  waste. 
But  pounced  peU-mell  upon  it ; 
Dram-stick  and  merry-thought  he  pick'd  in  haste. 
Exulting  in  the  merry  thought  that  won  it. 
Pie  follows  goose,  and  after  pie  comes  cheese — 
"  Stilton  or  Cheshire,  sir  V — "  Ah !  vat  you  please." 


VAT  YOU  PLEASE.  119 

And  now  onr  Frenchman,  having  ta'en  his  fill, 
Prepares  to  go,  when,  "  Sir,  your  little  bill." 

*'  Ah,  vat,  you're  Bill !    Veil,  Mr.  Bill,  good-day ! 
Bon  jour,  good  Villiam."     "  No,  sir,  stay ; 
My  name  is  Tom,  sir — ^you've  this  bill  to  pay." 

"Pay,  pay,  ma  foil 
I  call  for  nothing,  %axQ—j^ardonnez  moi  I 
Ton  bring  me  vat  you  call  your  goose,  your  cheese, 
Tou  ask-a-me  to  eat ;  I  teU  you,  Vat  you  please  !" 
Down  came  the  master ;  each  explain'd  the  case. 
The  one  with  cursing,  t'other  with  grimace ; 
But  Boniface,  who  dearly  loved  a  jest, 
(Although  sometimes  he  dearly  paid  for  it,) 
And  finding  nothing  could  be  done  (you  know. 
That  when  a  man  has  got  no  money. 
To  make  him  pay  some  would  be  rather  funny,) 
Of  a  bad  bargain  made  the  best, 
Acknowledged  much  was  to  be  said  for  it ; 
Took  pity  on  the  Frenchman's  meagre  face, 
And,  Briton-like,  forgave  a  fallen  foe, 
Laugh'd  heartily,  and  let  him  go. 

Our  Frenchman's  hunger  thus  subdued,         , 

Away  he  trotted  in  a  merry  mood ; 

"WTien,  turning  round  the  comer  of  a  street, 

Who,  but  his  countryman,  he  chanced  to  meet  1 

To  him  with  many  a  shrug  and  many  a  grin, 

He  told  him  how  he'd  taken  Jean  Bull  in ! 
•Fired  with  the  tale,  the  other  licks  his  chops. 

Makes  his  congee,  and  seeks  the  shop  of  shops. 

Entering,  he  seats  himself,  just  at  his  ease  ; 
"  What  will  you  take,  sir  V — "  Vat  you  please." 

The  waiter  turned  as  pale  as  Paris  plaster. 

And,  up-stairs  running,  thus  address'd  his  master : 
"  These  vile  mounseers  come  over  sure  in  pairs ; 

Sir,  there's  another  '  vat  you  please  !'  down-stairs." 

This  made  the  landlord  rather  crusty, 

Too  much  of  one  thing — the  proverb's  somewhat  musty. 

Once  to  be  done,  his  anger  didn't  touch. 

But  when  a  second  time  they  tried  the  treason, 


120       THE  DUTCHMAN  AND  THE  YANKEE. 

It  made  him  crvsty  sir,  and  with  good  reason — 
Ton  would  be  criisiy  were  you  done  so  much. 

There  is  a  kind  of  instrument 

"WTiich  greatly  helps  a  serious  argument, 

And  which,  when  properly  applied,  occasions 

Some  most  unpleasant  tickling  sensations  ! 

'Twould  make  more  clumsy  folks  than  Frenchmen  skip, 

'Twill  strike  you  presently — a  stout  horsewhip. 

This  instrument  our  Maitre  VHdte 

Most  carefully  concealed  beneath  his  coat ; 

And  seeking  instantly  the  Frenchman's  station, 

Addressed  him  with  the  usual  salutation. 

Our  Frenchman,  bowing  to  his  threadbare  knees. 
Determined  whilst  the  iron's  hot  to  strike  it, 
Pat  with  his  lesson  answers — "  Yat  you  please !" 
But  scarcely  had  he  let  the  sentence  slip, 
Than  round  his  shoulders  twines  the  pliant  whip ! 
"  Sare,  sare  !  ah,  misericorde,  parileu  ! 
Oh  dear,  monsieur,  vat  make  you  use  mo  so  ? 
Yat  you  call  dis  ?"     "  Oh,  don't  you  know  ? 
That's  what  I  please,"  says  Bonny,  "  how  d'ye  like  it  ? 
Your  friend,  though  I  paid  dearly  for  his  funning, 
Deserved  the  goose  he  gained,  sir,  for  his  cunning ; 
But  you,  monsieur,  or  else  my  time  I'm  wasting, 
Are  goose  enpugh,  and  only  wanted  basting." 


THE  DUTCHMAN  AND  THE  YANKEE. 

COaaO  EECITATION. — ^DUTCH  AND  TANKEE  DIALECTS. 

Several  years  ago  there  dwelt — and  for  aught  I  know 
there  still  dwells — an  old  Dutchman  on  the  line  of  the 
Erie  canal ;  veiy  illiterate,  but  very  fond  of  money,  and, 
by  some  chance  or  other,  pretty  well  supplied  with  it.  It 
was  rumored,  however,  that  he  was  not  over-scrupulous  at 
times  how  he  made  it ;  and  the  following  incident  goes  to 
substantiate  the  charge : 

There  came  to  his  house,  one  day,  an  awkward-looking 


THB  DUTCHMAN  AJSD  THE  TAlfKBE.  121 

individual,  betraying  in  every  turn  and  gesture  that  he 
hailed  whence  wooden  nutmegs  and  other  Yankee  com- 
modities are  brought  into  market. 

''  How  do,  Squire  ?"  was  Jonathan's  salutation,  squirting 
a  gill  of  tobacco  juice  inside  the  door,  by  way  of  a  more 
definite  announcement  that  he  was  '^  round." 

**  Valk  in,  mine  firient,"  said  the  Dutchman. 

In  stalked  Jonathan,  peeping  on  all  sides,  and  finally 
settled  his  six  feet — be  the  same  more  or  less — of  flesh  and 
bones  in  a  chair  by  the  chimney  comer. 

"  Squire,"  said  he,  after  a  pause,  producing  a  jack-knife 
and  chipping  ofiF  a  piece  from  the  boot-jack  that  lay  behind 
him,  ''  I've  a  notion,  somehow  or  t'other,  to  be  arter  gwine 
to  the  far  west ;  but  dam  my  picter  if  it  ain't  a  long 
way  thar,  and  I  kinder  guess  Fm  on  the  wrong  track." 
And  he  went  on  whittling,  eyeing  the  Dutchman  occasion- 
ally fi:^m  beneath  the  half  disjointed  front-piece  to  his 
plush  cap. 

"  You  goesh  vest,  eh  ?"  exclaimed  Mynheer ;  "  veil,  you 
ish  on  the  right  roat,  my  frient ;  but  have  you  got  a  lichense 
to  go  vest  ?" 

"  License  !"  cried  Jonathan,  suspending  his  whittling ; 
"  I  ain't  got  the  first  one,  and  what's  more,  cap'n,  I  ain't 
never  heem  of  the  cussed  thing  afore,  nuther." 

"  Veil,  veil,"  said  the  Dutchman,  "  that  von't  do  at  aU. 
You  musht  have  a  hchense  to  go  vest,  for  because  they 
von't  let  you  shettle  out  there  without  vone." 

"  How  you  talk !"  was  the  Yankee's  ejaculation,  deeply 
concemed  at  this  piece  of  intelhgence. 

"  Dat  is  the  truth,  mine  vrient,"  pursued  the  Dutch- 
man ;  "  but  I  have  hchenses  to  shell — don't  you  vant  to 
puy  von  ?" 

"  Can't  dodge  it  no  way,  can  I  f"  exclaimed  the  raw 
one.  "How  much'll  the  tamal  critter  come  to?"  he 
asked,  producing  a  weazel  skin  in  an  alarming  state  of  de- 
pletion. 


1^  THE  DUTCHMAN  A2m  THE  YANKEE. 

"  Only  two  tollars,  dat'sh  all,  mine  vrient,"  said  the  op- 
erator, rubbing  his  hands  and  rising  to  receive  the  fee. 

"  Wall,  I  suppose  I've  got  to  <ieu  it,  anyhow,  cap'n," 
remarked  Jonathan,  "  shelling  out  the  pewter,"  piece  by 
piece,  until  he  had  counted  out  into  the  Dutchman's  greedy 
palm  two  "halves"  and  "four  quarters,"  leaving  a  balance 
in  the  weazel  of  three  "York  shillings,"  a  "dime"  and 
two  "  reds." 

"  Down  with  the  document,  Squire,"  he  cried,  shoving 
the  skin  into  his  breeches-pocket,  and  rising. 

"Veil,  mine  good  veller,"  said  Dutchy,  "  I  ain't  got  my 
spectacles,  and  you  writes,  don't  you  V 

"Jest  hke  a  school-marm,  old  chap,"  rephed  Jonathan. 

"  VeU,  den,  you  writes  won,"  said  Mynheer,  "  for  yoiu-- 
self,  putting  down  your  name,  for  to  go  vest  and  shettle 
there,  and  111  shign  it.  Come  up  to  de  .table,  misther,  and 
I  shall  give  you  de  pen  and  paper." 

The  writing  materials  were  produced;  Jonathan  threw 
his  plush  cap  on  the  floor,  seized  the  old  gray  goose 
quiU  in  the  ink  horn,  tried  its  point  on  his  thumb-nail, 
and  crouching  his  head  until  his  right  ear  almost  touched 
the  paper,  he  drew  his  tongue  out  its  whole  length  and 
wrote.  When  he  had  closed  the  scroll,  he  threw  himself 
back  in  his  chair  to  scan  the  production  and  see  if  it  was 
all  right. 

"  That's  the  talk,"  he  cried  at  length.  "  These  are  pre- 
sents is  to  inform  all  it  may  concern  as  how  Jeddydiar 
Doosenberry  is  hereby  and  herein  entitled  to  go  to  the  far 
west,  be  the  same  more  or  less,  and  squat  thereupon,  for 
having  paid  me  in  hand  the  sum  of  tew  dollars,  lawful  cur- 
rency, as  hcense  for  so  gwine  west  and  squatting  thar." 

"  Dat's  it !"  exclaimed  the  Dutchman. 

"  WaU,  Squire,"  cried  the  Yankee,  "  put  your  fist  thar." 

The  Ucense  man  did  as  he  requested,  and  signed  his 
name  to  the  writing. 

"  Jeddydiar,"  as  he  called  himself,  took  the  paper,  folded 


THE  FRENCHMAIT  AND  THE  MOSQUITOES.  123 

it  very  carefully,  as  boys  fold  up  a  puzzle,  and  deposited  it 
in  his  vest  pocket  among  an  assortment  of  old  "chaws"  of 
tobacco,  gun-flints,  matches,  and  other  articles  too  numer- 
ous to  mention.    Then  rising,  he  exclaimed: 

"  Squire,  I'm  much  obleeged  to  ye  for  this  'ere  piece  of 
counsel.  It  takes  a  feUer  nine  lives  to  keep  track  of  the 
new  kinks  that  turns  up  in  the  law.    Good-bye  to  ye." 

"Goot-bye,  goot-bye,"  cried  the  Dutchman,  and  the 
victim  went  off  whistling  "Yankee  Doodle." 

A  week  had  elapsed  after  the  transaction  we  have  just 
chronicled,  and  our  Dutch  acquaintance  had  about  forgot- 
ten it,  when  a  merchant  of  the  village  called  upon  him, 
saymg: 

"  Mr.  S.,  if  it  is  convenient,  I  should  like  the  amount  of 
the  order  which  you  sent  me  the  other  day,  and  which  I 
paid  a  man  by  the  name  of  Doosenberry." 

"An  orter!"  cried  the  Dutchman,  utterly  upset  by  the 
demand.    "  I  never  gives  an  order  to  nopody." 

"  But  here  it  is,"  continued  the  merchant,  producing  an 
order  duly  signed,  requesting  him  to  pay  "Jeddydiar 
Doosenberry  "  twenty-five  dollars  in  goods. 

Dutchy  saw  at  a  glance  he  was  sold,  paid  up  like  a  man, 
and  has  never  operated  in  licenses  since. 


THE  FRENCHMAN  AND  THE 
MOSQUITOES. 

rBEKOH  DIALECT  TBXTLE. 

Petite  moskeetare,  your  time  it  have  come ! 
Ze  froRt  he  have  call  for  you — go  you  now  home. 
All  of  your  buz-ze-buz  into  my  ear — 
Now  I  am  rid  of  it,  skeetaro,  my  dear  I 

Ven  to  bed  in  my  garret  I  go, 
Zen  viz  your  moosic  you  bozaire  me  so, 
Viz  your  tin  trompit  you  sing  all  ze  night ; 
Mr.  Jack  Frost  now  he  freeze-a  you  tight. 


124     HOW  THE  DUTCHMAN  KILLED  THE  WOODCHUCK. 

Ah !  vat  a  blessing  ze  cole  vintar  be, 
Yen  he  kill  all  of  ze  skeetare  and  flea ! 
Zen  till  ze  spring  time  varm  vedder  saU  brinft 
Monsieur  Moskeetare,  no  more  you  vill  sing ! 


HOW  THE    DUTCHMAN    KILLED    THE 
WOODCHUCK. 


A  DUTCH   DIALECT  STOBX. 


Veil  den,  I  dells  you  mit  te  dime  I  goed  a  huntin  mit 
mine  brodder  Shake,  ven  ve  vash  boys  not  so  biggerisb  ash 
ve  ish  now.  Shake  he  vash  smaller  ash  I  pin,  unt  I  vash 
bigger  ash  Shake.  We  vash  dwin  boys,  but  dere  vash  about 
two  or  dree  years  bigger  ash  vun  anudder  vash.  Veil  den, 
von  day  I  dakes  brodder  Shake  unt  two  udder  togs,  und  I 
deUs  dem  we  go  a  huntin  mit  te  woodclinek  unt  some  oder 
dings.  Ve  go  to  te  old  bam  past,  unt  te  pack  of  te  field  behint 
us,  unt  pooty  soon  we  kit  te  voots  in  te  mlttle  of  us,  ten  I 
vistles  to  Shake  unt  te  udder  two  togs,  unt  py  unt  py  some- 
dings  schart  tetogs,  unt  they  roon  shust  so  pig  fasht  ash  dey 
neflfer  vas  roon  pefore.  Shake  he  roon  pooty  fasht,  unt  I 
roon,  for  I  dinks  somedings  vas  schart  mit  de  togs.  Pooty 
soon  te  togs  vash  stop  mit  roonin,  imt  vash  makin  dere 
hets  in  te  log  mit  a  pig  hole  in,  ven  I  comes  up.  Shake, 
he  says,  "  Prodder  Hans,  ter  ish  a  woodchuck  in  te  log 
mit  de  hole."  Den  I  teUs  Shake,  "  You  shust  vatch  mit 
vun  hole,  imt  te  togs  te  udder  hole,  den  I  vill  make  vim 
udder  hole,  mit  mine  ax,  in  te  mittle  of  te  log,  unt  den,  ven 
I  see  him,  I  viU  schlock  him  un  te  koop,  unt  schmite  his 
het  off  mit  te  ax."  So  Shake,  he  says,  "  I  vill  stop  te  hole 
mit  mine  foot,  so  he  vill  not  mooch  kit  out  mit  dis  hole." 
Den  I  dakes  mine  ax,  unt  a  hole  make  in  te  log.  Pooty 
soon  I  kits  a  hole,  unt  I  dinks  I  see  te  woodchuck,  unt  I 
dells  prodder  Shake  to  still  be,  unt  I  shopped  a  little  more, 
unt  den  I  sees  te  ding's  het,  so  I  makes  te  ax  come  down 
mit  all  my  might — ^I  dinks  I  viU  make  his  het  off— imt, 


DER  NIGHD  PEHIND  GKISDMAS.  125 

mine  gracious !  vat  you  dink !  Prodder  Shake,  he  make 
von  pig  noise,  imt  he  gommence  a  groanin,  schwearin  in 
Tuch  unt  English  all  togedder,  unt  he  says,  ''  Prodder 
Hans,  dash  ish  not  te  woodchuck ;  you  ish  von  biggest 
fool,  you  hash  schmite  mine  foot  off.  Oh !  mine  gootness ! 
I  ish  kill !"  Veil,  I  vash  schart  mooch ;  I  dinks  I  had  kilt 
prodder  Shake,  unt  I  gried,  unt  schweared  a  leetle,  den  I 
looked  in  te  hole,  unt  tere  vash  a  bart  of  prodder  Shake's 
poot,  unt  two  or  dree  toes,  all  ploody,  laying  in  te  log, 
put  dere  vash  no  woodchuck  or  any  udder  dings  in  te  log. 
Shake  he  croaned  so  pig  lout,  dat  I  dake  his  foot  unt  dies 
mine  shirt  up  mit  it.  Shake,  he  make  him  up  on  my  pack, 
imt  I  garried  him  to  te  house.  Py  unt  py  his  foot  git  well, 
put  no  more  toes  crowed  out  it,  unt  he  say,  "  Prodder 
Hans,  I  vill  no  more  go  woodchuck  hunt  mit  you  ;"  unt  he 
neffer  did. 


DER  NIG-HD  PEHIND  GRISDMAS. 

PABODY  OH  "  THX  MIGHT  BKFOBE  CHmSTHAS  "— B7  StDNET  W.  WETMOBK. 

'Tvas  der  nighd  pehind  Grisdmas,  und  all  ofer  der  haus, 

Nod  von  beobles  vas  schleebing,  nix  cum  aroas ; 

Der  sdockings  vas  vlung  all  ofer  dose  shatr, 

Vor  hopes  auf  Saind  Niglebus  nix  longer  vas  dhere ; 

Yimmie  und  Shakey  vas  tossing  widoud  schleeb  in  der  ped, 

Der  leddle  stomachs  vas  pig,  wid  gandy,  nods,  bies  und  pread 

Yhile  mudder  mit  a  nighd-dress,  and  1  mit  a  gown, 

Vas  yust  make  up  our  nunds  ve  vouldn't  lie  down ; 

Ven  vrom  der  haus  oud  py  der  lawn  ve  heard  somedings  glatter, 

Like  der  tuyfle  I  shiunped  ofer  my  shair,  vonderin'  vat  yas  del 

madder, 
Eighd  avay  qvick  to  der  vlnder  I  vent,  vith  a  vlash, 
Grapped  avay  der  plinds  und  shofed  up  der  sash ; 
Der  moon,  all  undressed,  vas  foolin'  arount  pelow, 
Und  saying,  "  Gife  us  a  rest,  mid  dat '  Peautiful  Schnow*;" 
Vat  vas  dose,  so  hellup  me,  vidch  to  dhese  eyes  appear, 
Bud  a  horse  und  scleigh,  poth  vas  oldt  und  qveer, 


126  THE  DUTCHMAN'S  SNAKE. 

Trawin'  a  leddle  oldt  bump-packed  rooster,  Rolemn  tmd  schlo'W, 

Dot  I  know'd  mit  a  glance  'tvas  oldt  Toctor  Prough. 

Vrom  der  oudside  I  drew  my  head,  raid  dranit  aroimts, 

Ven  up-stairs  comes  dot  rooster,  mit  dwo  or  dhree  pounts ; 

He  vas  aU  govered  up  mit  a  pig  ofergoat  made  long  pelow, 

Und  der  vhisker  py  hes  schin  vas  vhide  like  der  schnow ; 

He  spoke  nix  a  vord,  bud  straighd  vend  to  vork, 

Velt  aU  der  bulses,  und  gife  der  arms  a  jerk ; 

Und  making  hes  vingers  on  der  top  of  hes  nose, 

Vith  a  vag  auf  hes  ear,  to  der  schimney  he  goes ; 

"  Yon  sboonful  auf  oU,  oldt  vomans,  und  sum  prandy, 

Scheese  dose  nuts,  raisins,  bies  und  der  gandy ; 

Dose  dender  schmalt  stomach  vill  never  digest 

Der  schveets  vot  dhey  get — ^pretzels  und  krout  vas  der  feast ;" 

Bud  dat  makes  nodhings  out,  dose  advice  mit  vrents. 

Yen  der  gustom  auf  Grisdmas  der  odher  vay  dends; 

All  vater  und  mutters,  oldt  Schanty  Claws  too, 

Yas  oxceeding  plind ;  veil,  a  goot-nighd  to  you , 

Und  dhese  vords  ve  heard  him  exclaim,  as  he  trofe  oud  auf  sighd, 

"  Dose  bully  bies,  raisins,  xmd  gandy  makes  tocdor's  biU  aU  righd." 


THE  DUTCHMAN'S  SNAKE. 

A  DUTCH  DIAIjECT  becitation. 

Near  the  town  of  Reading,  in  Berks  County,  Pennsyl- 
vania, there  formerly  lived  a  well-to-do  Dutch  farmer 
named  Peter  Van  Riper.  His  only  son  was  a  strapping 
lad  of  seventeen,  also  named  Peter,  and  upon  old  Peter 
and  young  Peter  devolved  the  principal  cares  of  the  old 
man's  fann,  now  and  then  assisted  by  an  ancient  Dutch- 
man, named  Jake  SweighoflFer,  who  Uved  in  the  neighbor- 
hood, and  went  out  to  work  by  the  day. 

One  warm  day  in  haying  time,  this  trio  were  hard  at 
work  In  a  meadow  near  the  farm-house,  when  suddenly 
Peter  the  elder  dropped  his  scythe  and  bawled  out : 

"  Oh,  mine  Gott !  Peter." 

"  What's  de  matter,  fader  ?"  answers  the  son,  straight- 
ening up  and  looking  at  his  sire. 


THE  DTJTCHMAIT'S  SNAKE.  127 

"  Oh,  mine  Gott  1  Peter,"  again  cried  tlie  old  man,  "  do 
come  here,  right  off!" 

"  Donder !"  echoes  yomig  Peter,  hmrying  to  the  reUef 
of  his  afflicted  father. 

"  Oh,  mine  Gott  1  der  shnake  pite  mine  leg !" 

If  anything  in  particular  could  disturb  the  nerves  of 
young  Peter,  it  was  snakes ;  for  he  had  once  been  chased 
by  a  black  one,  and  frightened  neariy  out  of  his  wits — 
whereas  had  he  possessed  a  particle  of  pluck,  acted  on  the 
defensive,  and  stood  his  ground,  the  black  reptile,  which 
was  probably  the  greater  coward  of  the  two,  would  have 
hicontinently  fled.  At  the  word  snake,  therefore,  young 
Van  Riper  fell  back,  nimbly  as  a  wire-drawer,  and  bawled 
out  in  turn :  "  Where  is  der  shnake,  fader?" 

"  Here,  up  mine  preeches ! — 0,  mine  Gott !" 

"  Donder  and  blixen !  vy  don't  you  kill  him,  fader  f 
exclaimed  Peter  junior,  keeping  at  a  safe  distance  from 
his  sufTering  sire. 

"  I  can't  get  at  der  httle  tyfel,  Peter :  you  come  dake 
off  my  drowsis,  or  hell  kill  me  mit  his  pites." 

But  the  fears  of  Peter  the  younger  overcame  his  fihal 
affection,  and  lent  strength  to  his  legs,  for  he  started  off 
like  a  scared  two-year-old  towards  the  old  man  Jake,  to 
call  him  to  the  assistance  of  his  unhappy  father.  A  few 
moments  after,  the  two  came  bounding  towards  the  old 
man,  and  as  they  passed  a  haycock  where  their  garments 
had  been  laid  when  they  began  work,  Jake  grabbed  the 
vest  which  he  supposed  belonged  to  his  employer.  Dur- 
ing this  time  old  Peter  had  managed  to  keep  on  his  pins, 
although  he  was  quaking  and  trembhng  hke  an  aspen  leaf 
in  a  June  gale  of  wind. 

"  Oh,  mine  God !  come  quick,  Yacob !"  exclaimed  he, 
"  he  pite  like  h— 11,  here,  on  mine  leg." 

Old  Jake  was  not  particularly  sensitive  to  fear,  but  few 
people,  young  or  old,  are  free  from  alann  when  a  "  pizen- 
ous  "  reptile  is  about.    Ho  seized  a  small  pitchfork,  and, 


128  THE  DUTCHMAN'S  SNAKE. 

telling  the  unhappy  Van  Kiper  to  stand  steady,  promised 
to  stun  the  reptile  by  a  rap  or  two,  even  if  he  didn't  kill 
it  outright.  The  frightened  old  man  did  not  long  hesitate 
between  the  risk  of  a  broken  leg  or  being  bitten  to  death 
by  a  snake,  but  promptly  indicated  the  place  where  Jake 
shoidd  strike.  Whack  went  the  pitchfork,  and  down  tum- 
bled Peter,  exclaiming,  "  0,  mine  Gott !  I  pleeve  you've 
proke  mine  leg !  but  der  tam  shnake's  gone." 

"  Vere?  vere's  he  gone  to?"  says  old  Sweighoffer,  look- 
ing sharply  about  on  the  ground  he  stood  upon. 

''  Never  mind  der  shnake  now,  Yacob,"  says  Van  Kiper, 
"  come  and  help  me  up,  and  I'll  go  home." 

"  Here,  I've  got  your  shacket — put  it  on,"  says  Jacob, 
lifting  up  his  boss,  and  shpping  his  arms  into  the  armholes 
of  the  vest. 

The  moment  old  Peter  made  the  eflFort  to  get  the  gar- 
ment on  his  shoulders,  he  grew  livid  in  the  face — his  hair 
stood  on  end  '*  hke  quails  upon  the  frightful  porcupine," 
as  Mrs.  Partington  poetically  observes — he  shivered  and 
shook — ^his  teeth  chattered,  and  his  knees  knocked  an  ac- 
companiment. "  Oh,  Yacob  !"  exclaimed  he, ''  help  me  to 
go  home — I'm  dead  as  nits !" 

"  Vat's  dat  you  say  ?  Ish  dere  nodder  shnake  in  your 
preeches  ?"  inquired  the  uitrepid  Jacob. 

"  Not  dat — I  don't  mean  dat,"  says  the  farmer,  ''  but 
shust  you  look  o'  me^-I'm  shwelt  all  up,  pigger  as  an  ox ! 
my  shacket  won't  go  on  my  pack.  I'm  dying  mit  de  pizen. 
Oh,  mine  Gott !  help  me  home  quick." 

*'  Dunder  and  blixen !"  cried  old  Jake,  as  he  came  to 
the  same  conclusion ;  and  with  might  and  main  he  hurried 
old  Peter  along  towards  the  farm-house.  Meantime  young 
Peter  had  shinned  it  home  at  the  earhest  stage  of  the  dire 
proceedings,  and  so  alarmed  the  women  folks  that  they 
■were  in  a  high  state  of  excitement  when  they  saw  the 
approach  of  the  good  old  dad  and  his  assistant. 

Old  man  Peter  was  carried  into  the  house,  laid  on  a  bed, 


THE  TAITKEE  LAITDLOED.  129 

and  began  to  lament  his  sad  misfortune  in  a  most  grievous 
mauner,  when  the  old  lady,  his  vrow,  came  forward  and 
proposed  to  examine  the  bitten  leg.  The  unhappy  man 
opened  his  eyes  and  feebly  pointed  out  the  place  of  the 
bite.  She  carefully  ripped  up  his  pantaloons,  and  out  fell 
— a  thistle-top!  and  at  the  same  time  a  considerable 
scratch  was  made  visible. 

"  Call  dis  a  snake  ?  Bah  !"  says  the  old  woman,  hold- 
tog  up  the  thistle. 

"  Oh,  but  I'm  pizened  to  death,  Katreen ! — see,  Fm  all 
pizen ! — mine  shacket ! — 0,  dear,  mine  shacket  not  come 
over  mine  pody !" 

"  Haw,  haw  !  you  old  fool,"  roars  the  vrow,  "  dat's  not 
your  shacket — dat's  Peter's  shacket !  ha,  ha,  ha !" 

"  Vat !  dat  Peter's  shacket  ?"  says  old  Peter,  shaking  oflf 
death's  icy  fetters  at  one  surge,  and  jumping  up :  "  Bosh ! 
Jacob,  vat  a  tarn  old  fool  you  must  be  to  say  I  vas  shnake- 
pite !  Go  'pout  your  pusiness,  gals.  Peter,  pring  me  some 
beer,  and  give  me  mine  pipe." 

The  vrow's  wonderful  presence  of  mind  in  ripping  open 
the  old  man's  breeches,  and  the  disclosures  that  followed, 
had  evidently  saved  his  Ufe. 


THE  YANKEE  LANDLORD. 

A  DIALECT  EECITATION. 

"  When  first  I  chanced  the  Eagle  to  explore, 
Ezra  sat  listless  by  the  open  door ; 
One  chair  careened  him  at  an  angle  meet, 
Another  nursed  his  hugely-slippered  feet ; 
Upon  a  third  reposed  a  shirt-sleeved  arm, 
And  the  whole  man  diffused  tobacco's  charm. 

*  Are  you  the  landlord  t'    '  "Wahl,  I  guess  I  be.' 
"Watching  the  smoke,  he  answered  leisurely. 
He  was  a  stoutish  man,  and  through  the  breast 
Of  his  loose  shirt  there  showed  a  brambly  chest ; 
Streaked  redly  as  a  wind-foreboding  mom, 
His  tanned  cheeks  curved  to  temples  closely  shorn ; 


130        toppt's  vaeder  ttst  hees  drubbles. 

Clean-sliaved  he  was,  save  where  a  hedge  of  gray 
Upon  his  brawny  throat  leaned  every  way 
About  an  Adam's-apple  that  beneath 
Bulged  like  a  bowlder  from  a  furzy  heath. 

'  Can  I  have  lodging  here  ?'  once  more  I  said. 
He  blew  a  whiff,  and,  leaning  back  his  head, 

'  You  come  a  piece  through  Bailey's  woods,  I  s'pose, 
*'  Acrost  a  bridge  where  a  big  swamp-oak  grows  ? 

It  don't  grow,  neither ;  it's  been  dead  ten  year, 
E"or  th'  aiu't  a  livin'  creetur,  fur  nor  near, 
Can  tell  wut  Mlled  it ;  but  I  some  misdoubt 
'Twas  borers,  there's  sech  heaps  on  'em  about; 
You  didn't  chance  to  run  ag'inst  my  son, 
A  long,  slab-sided  youngster  with  a  gun? 
He'd  oughto  ben  back  more  'n  an  hour  ago. 
An'  brought  some  birds  to  dress  for  supper — She  I 
There  he  comes  now.    'Say,  Obed,  wut  ye  gott 
(He'll  hev  some  upland  plover  like  as  not.) 
Wal,  them's  real  nice  uns  an'  '11  eat  A  1, 
Ef  I  can  stop  their  bein'  over-done ; 
Nothin'  riles  me  (I  pledge  my  fastin'  word) 
Like  eookui'  out  the  natur'  of  a  bird ; 
(Obed,  you  pick  'em  out  o'  sight  an'  sound. 
Your  ma'am  don't  love  no  feathers  cluttrin'  round ;) 
Jes'  scare  'em  with  the  coals ;  that's  my  idee.' 
Then,  turning  suddenly  about  on  me, 

'  "Wal,  Square,  I  guess  so.     CalkUate  to  stay  ?  • 
I'll  ask  Miss  "Weeks ;  'bout  thet  it's  hem  to  say."* 


YOPPY'S   VARDER  UNT  HEES 
DRUBBLES. 

A  HUMOKOUS  DUTCH   DIALECT  KECrTATION. 

Vonst  ubon  ur  dime,  Yoppy  and  me — dot  isb  Yoppy's 
varder, — vaxd  mine  vrow — dot  ish  Yoppy's  mudder, — wend 
oaffer  mit  ter  Yersey's  lant  vot  ish  pelong  ter  me.  Dey 
vash'  der  pudifulest  lant  vot  neffer  vash,  dod  I  bade  zu — 
ondly  dey  vos  korffered  oaffer  mit  doo  muchd  vasser. 
Vail,  Yoppy  and  me — dot  ish  Yoppy's  varder, — ^mid  mine 


TOPPT'S  VAEDEE  TTNT  HEES  DRUBBLES.  131 

vrow — dot  ish  Yoppy's  mudder, — ve  dakes  der  blough  to 
blough  ub  all  uf  dose  pudifiil  lants ;  imd  zo  helb  me  pob, 
zo  zoon  I  dou't  zay  Rob  Yacklnson,  und  1  hobe  do  porrow 
ein  halber  tollar  von  you  uf  mo  und  Yoppy  und  mine  vrow 
— dot  ish  Yoppy's  mudder — ^und  ter  tam  blough  didn't  all 
cot  sheepreckt  I  Yoppy  vashed  himselfe  ashore  mit  a  par 
of  zorft  zoab,  und  I  vos  neffer  foimdet  avter  a  goobel  ov 
times.  Vail,  I  go  mit  mine  howiz  mit  Yoppy,  und  I  lookish 
in  ter  vinter,  und  zo  helb  me  pob,  uf  mine  vrow — dot  ish 
Yoppy's  mudder— vasend  det!  Und  I  zays,  "Yoppy, 
youm  mudder  ish  det,  you  tam  leedle  vool,  und  I  ish  yuro 
varder.  Und  now  you  und  yuse  old  varder  ish  bote  uf  ims 
oriunts."  Oh!  mine  Yott  in  himmell  zhe  vos  ur  ferry 
heffy  loss  do  me ;  she  veighet  zo  more  ash  dree  hoontret 
und  dirty-dree  bounts.  Und  zo  yung ! — she  vos  yoost  dirty, 
und  I  ish  dirty-two. 

Vail,  me  und  Yoppy  und  mine  vrow — dot  ish  Yoppy's 
mudder,  you  no — game  von  der  Nye  Yorik,  und  ve  obena 
ur  lager  peir  zaloon  (not  mid  ur  growpar,  zo  like  ash  doze 
purklar  vellers  dooze) ;  und  dot  vellers  dey  uset  du  gome 
mit  mine  howiz  und  schmoke  mine  peer  und  trinkt  mine 
zickars  imd  keeze  mine  vrow — dot  is  Yoppy's  mudder,  you 
no — und  boots  it  all  town  oof  der  schlades,  imd  dey  makes 
me  noddings  fur  dot  dings,  zo  de  lonker  ash  I  geebs  dose 
zaloon,  de  more  I  don'd  have  got  noddings  doo. 

Vail,  von  nide  zo  more  ash  dwendy-lcffen  pig  vellers  dey 
goom  und  dey  role  mine  vrow — dat  ish  Yoppy's  mudder, 
vot  ish  kom  det — und  an  udder  parril  uf  zour  krout  town 
ter  schdairs  und  dey  trode  me  und  an  udder  parril  uf  lager 
owit  mit  der  vinders,  zo  I  logs  ter  key  imd  I  buts  ter  toore 
Int  mine  boggit  unt  I  goes  ter  schdairs  town,  und  I  vails 
ter  vinders  owit  vmd  I  prakes  ter  zidevalks  mit  mine  pack, 
den  I  goes  to  der  staytchun  man  und  I  prings  der  boUce 
howiz  fur  to  getch  dot  vellers  vot  makes  me  zo  much  drub- 
bles.  Mine  Yott  1  you  ought  hafe  shood  zeen  dot  vellers 
schketattle.  Dere  vas  von  veller,  vot  vash  namet  Hanzanz- 


138         yoppy's  vardeb  unt  hees  dbubbles. 

vanzdanzdandydanzvonhighvonlowvondutzenhizenlozen — 
ven  I  schpeak  dot  veller's  namen  I  moost  tiink  right  avay 
ur  glass  lager !  Vail,  dat  veller,  der  more  lie  vash  run, 
der  more  he  shtand  shtill  all  der  vaster.  Ven  I  vos  schtobt 
runuiug  vor  him,  I  vos  fount  dot  I  vash  losd  mit  miueselves, 
und  der  night,  him  vos  zo  dick  dot  I  cood  shtur  heem  oop 
mit  mine  poots.  Unt  der  rain,  him  goom  zo  vasd  dot  in 
more  dan  dree  minudes  mine  shkin  vash  vet  droo  do  mine 
glose.  Und  ven  I  zee  mine  haut  pevor  mine  vace  I  kood 
not  dell  dat  him  vas  dare.  Vail,  py-und-py,  I  veels  mine- 
selves  along  mit  mine  hants,  unt  ven  I  kooms  for  mine 
owen  howiz — Yott  in  himmel!  vot  you  dinks?  Py  tam, 
him  pelongs  to  somff  anodder  potty.  Zo  I  makes  up  mine 
mint  dot  de  lonker  ash  I  leef,  der  more  I  don'd  vind,  py 
gracious,  out.  Den  I  goese  du  mine  howiz,  vot  ish  a  pu- 
difiil  one,  dat  ish  on  de  gorner  py  dermittle  uf  terplock — 
you  garnt  helb  put  miss  id,  ash  id  hafes  ur  vooden  prass 
nocker  vot  ish  mate  uf  tin,  und  a  baper  bane  uf  glass  mit 
der  vinder,  und  ish  schinklet  mis  shtraw — zo  I  goes  du 
mine  howiz,  as  I  vas  say  von  dimes  alretty  pevore,  und  I 
vos  hear  mine  leetle  poy  Toppy  schwear,  und  I  leeks  him 
zo  like  ash  ter  teyful ;  und  avder  I  leeks  him  I  zays,  "  Vot 
you  tinks  now,  you  tam  leetle  Dutch  cuss  f  und  he  zay,  *'I 
dinks  nottings,"  und  I  zay,  "  You  lie  hke  ter  teyful,  you 
leedle  vool — ^you  tinks — by  tam,  you  know  you  tinks — ^und 
zo  I  leeks  you  again  for  dot." 

Vail,  lasd  dwendy-febund  of  secuary,  dot  vash  Birthing- 
ton's  Washday,  dot  vash  a  circular  singimistance,  zo  I 
geefs  mine  leedle  poy  (mine  vrow's  sohn)  a  pigture  uf 
Crossington  Washing  ter  Delaware,  und  you  moost  peliefs 
me  dat  he  has  hat  ter  roomatory  inflammatism  efery  dime 
since,  pecause  I  don'd  geef  him  dot  wridings  uf  der  Inder- 
ation  of  Declopendence.  VaD,  I  geeps  him  quiet  by  puy- 
ing  him  a  pran  new  zegund  hant  obercoat  do  make  a  bair 
of  shtoggins  mit.  Zo  now  he  toand  pe  ad  de  pind  of  zig- 
ness  any  more  many  dimes  longer,  und  he  geeds  up  und 


DHBEE  SHKADERS.  133 

runs  arount  egsglaiming,  "  Vere  are  de  blayhoots  uf  mine 
childmades  ?"  uud  I  zays,  "  Ock  mockcn  nix  cum  trusicls 
von  der  busick  und  ter  lally  go  sheng  von  der  shyster 
lubies,  mid  der  schreetergeeter  vonceber  der  ochsensclila- 
gen."  Und  he  zay,  "You  oafer  ter  fence,  all  der  vile," 
und  I  dinks  so  dop,  yoost  zo  chure  als  I  bin  a  Constantino- 
politainisherdudelsackfifemachersgazel.  Dot  ish  goot  for 
anodder  glass  lager.  I  go  vay  queeck  and  trink  it  right 
avay  mit  mineselfe 


DHREE   SHKADERS. 

A  PABODY  ON  "  THK  THBEE  FIBHEB8." — ^DUTCH  DIAIXCT, 

Dhree  shkaders  vent  ofer  mit  Cendral  Park, 

Vent  ofer  vhen  der  moon  he  vas  high, 
Und  efery  von  feel  so  gay  like  a  lark. 
As  dhey  dink  von  dhere  gals  dhey  vood  sigh. 
Und  shents  must  shkade  vhen  der  vasser  vas 
But  dhey  dond  vood  dook  dose  maits  along 
To  dot  Cendral  Park  mit  der  cidy  out. 

Dhree  maedchens  yoost  shtob  in  a  barlor  togedder, 

Und  tanz  und  zing  vhen  der  moon  he  vas  high, 
Und  efery  leedle  vhilo  looked  out  mit  der  vedder, 
Vhile  der  plack  glouds  valked  ofer  der  shky. 

Vhen  shendlemans  shkade  der  vinds  ofden  blows, 
Yoost  der  same  as  dot  nite  a  shtorm  he  arose, 
Dot  trofe  dose  shkaders  mit  der  city  quick  pack. 

Dhree  olt  coats  vas  hung  mit  a  rack  py  dor  hall, 

Und  each  shkader  vas  habby  like  eny  young  shpark, 
Vhile  der  maedchens  vas  lafin  und  huggin  dhem  all ; 
Dose  shkaders  dot  comes  so  quick  pack  mit  der  Park. 
Tor  shendlemans  shkade  und  maedchens  may  vait, 
But  dot  nite  der  gals  plessed  fordune  und  fate, 
Dot  der  vedder  vas  so  pad  dor  door  out,  und  dhem 
fellers  vas  come  recht  avay  quick  pack  dhey  can 
mit  dhere  lofes  dot  vas  vaitiu  of  dhey  shood  been  on 
dhere  houses  mit  'em. 


134  THE  fbenchman's  patent  sceew. 

THE  FRENCHMAN'S  PATENT  SCREW. 

HT7MOBOUS  FBENCH  DTATiFiCT  KECITATION. 

Almost  every  one  must  have  heard  of  the  gentleman  who 
cuts  portraits.  Some  time  since,  in  conversation  with  this 
gentleman,  at  his  rooms,  and  at  the  same  time  looking 
round  the  room  at  his  cuts,  I  observed  a  Ukeness  of  a 
gentleman  with  a  screw  attached  to  him.  I  asked,  of 
course,  the  meaning,  and  received  the  following  expla- 
nation : 

''  Dat  screw,  Monsieur  Doctair ;  dat  is  what  I  call  de  pat- 
ent screw.  I  shall  tell  you  of  de  circumstance  of  dat  screw. 
Some  time  ago — I  don't  exactly  recoUect  de  time,  but  dat 
is  no  mattair — veil,  as  I  say,  some  time  ago,  one  gentil- 
homme  come  to  me  and  say,  '■  Messieur,  I  vant  you  to  take 
my  Ukeness.'  '  Vel,  sair,'  I  say, '  I  shall  be  very  happy  to 
do  so.'  Vel,  I  commence  and  take  his  likeness,  and  ven 
he  is  done  I  say,  'Dere  is  your  hkeness;  how  you  hko 
him  V  Vel,  he  say,  '  I  don't  Uke  him  veiy  much.'  Vel,  I 
say,  '  You  bring  your  Mends,  and  ven  dey  shall  say  dat  is 
not  Uke  you,  I  shaU  tear  him  to  pieces.'  Vel,  he  bring  his 
friends,  and  his  friends  all  say,  '  Bravo !  excellent ! — dat 
is  goot !'  But  his  friends  teU  him  he  ought  to  have  dress 
coat  instead  of  frock  coat.  Vel,  den  he  fly  up  and  say, 
'  Sair,  I  shall  not  take  de  likeness,  as  you  have  not  put 
him  in  a  dress  coat.'  Vel,  I  say,  '  Sair,  you  have  not  treat 
me  Uke  one  gentilhomme ;  as  you  have  no  pay  me  for  dis, 
it  belong  to  me,  sair.'  Vel,  he  say,  '  You  do  what  you  like 
wid  him.'  Vel,  I  say,  '  Sair,  you  vill  now  be  so  good  as  to 
leave  my  house.'  Very  vel,  I  begin  to  cut  anoder 
customer ;  ven,  aU  at  once  I  drop  my  sissars — '  Excuse  me, 
s'il  vous  plait,  Monsieur,  one  half-minute ;'  and  I  take  hold 
of  de  man  and  cut  off  his  legs,  and  de  coat  of  his  tail,  and 
put  de  screw  to  him  as  you  see  dere,  and  put  a  ring  in  his 
head,  and  hang  him  on  de  hook,  and  place  him  in  my 
window.    Now,  sair,  I  have  my  revenge,  my  satisfaction. 


KATKINA  LIKES  ME  POODT  VELL.  135 

Pretty  soon  his  friend  come  round  de  window,  and  say, 
*  Vat  is  dat  ?  by  gair,  it  is  him  !  dat  is  him !'  and  den  dey 
all  begin  to  laugh,  ha !  ha !  ha ! — and  pretty  soon  all  de 
boys  come  round  and  git  hold  of  de  joke ;  and  den  dey 
begins  at  him  ven  dey  meet  him  in  de  street — '  Pattan 
screw!  pattan  screw!  pattan  screw!'  And  bimeby  de 
man  come  to  me  wid  all  froth  at  his  mouth,  and  say :  '  Sair, 
vat  you  have  done  to  put  the  screw  to  me  ?  I  shall  take 
de  law  of  you !'  Vel,  I  say,  '  Go  take  de  law ! — ^and 
recollect,  sair,  ven  you  insult  de  artist,  de  artist  have  his 
revenge.'  Vel,  pretty  soon  he  git  all  over  de  town, '  Pattan 
screw !  pattan  screw !'  But  vat  is  most  remarkable,  dat 
all  de  peoples  vat  owes  me  money — some  two,  some  three 
dollar — all  come  and  say :  *  Monsieur,  how  much  I  owe  you  ? 
I  shall  pay  you  at  once.  I  no  like  dat  pattan  screw.'  So 
you  see,  Doctair,  dat  pattan  screw  is  very  much  important 
to  my  business." 


KATRINA  LIKES  ME  POODY  VELL. 

BY  OOFTY  GOOFT. 

Somedimes  ven  I'm  a  feeling  bad, 

Cause  dings  dey  don'd  go  righd, 
I  gid  so  kinder  awful  sick, 

XJnd  lose  my  abbedide. 
Und  ven  I  go  me  to  der  house, 

Und  by  dot  daplo  sit, 
Dot  widdles  makes  me  feel  gwide  bale, 

Und  I  don'd  kin  ead  a  bit 

My  head  dot  shbins  arount  unt  rount, 

Und  my  eyes  dem  look  so  vild, 
Dot  of  my  mudder  she  was  dhere, 

She  voodn'd  know  her  shlld. 
Dot  is  der  dime  Eatrina  comes, 

Und  nice  vords  she  does  dell, 
Mit  her  heart  a  busding  oud  mit  loaf, 

For  she  likes  mo  pooty  veU. 


136  THE  Bewitched  clock. 

She  gifes  me  efery  kind  of  dinga 

Dot  she  dinks  will  done  me  goot; 
She  cooks  me  shblendid  sassage  mead, 

TJnd  Oder  kinds  of  foot ; 
She  ties  vet  rags  aroimt  my  head 

When  dot  begins  to  shvell, 
Und  soaks  my  feet  mit  Brandred's  bills. 

For  she  likes  me  poody  veil. 

She  sings  me  nice  und  poody  songs, 

Mit  a  "vvoice  dot's  shweed  und  glear, 
TJnd  says,  "  Dot  of  I  vas  to  die 

She  voodn'd  leef  a  year." 
Of  dot  aind  so,  or  if  id  is, 

I  don'd  vas  going  to  dell ; 
But  dis  much  I  am  villing  to  shwore — 

She  likes  me  poody  veil. 


THE  BEWITCHED  CLOCK. 

YANKEE  EECITATION. 

About  half  past  eleven  o'clock  on  Sunday  night  a  human 
leg,  enveloped  in  blue  broadcloth,  might  have  been  seen 
entering  Cephas  Barberry's  kitchen  window.  The  leg  was 
followed  finally  by  the  entire  person  of  a  hvely  Yankee,  at- 
tired in  his  Sunday-go-to-meetin'  clothes.  It  was,  in  short, 
Joe  Mayweed,  who  thus  burglariously,  in  the  dead  of  night, 
won  his  way  into  the  deacon's  kitchen. 

''  Wonder  how  much  the  old  deacon  made  by  orderin'me 
not  to  darken  his  door  again  V  soliloquized  the  young  man. 
"  Promised  him  I  wouldn't  but  didn't  say  nothin'  about  win- 
ders. Winders  is  just  as  good  as  doors,  if  there  ain't  no  nails 
to  tear  your  trousers  onto.  Wonder  if  Sal  '11  come  down 
The  critter  promised  me.  I'm  afraid  to  move  here,  'cause 
I  might  break  my  shins  over  somethin'  or  'nother,  and 
wake  the  old  folis.  Cold  enough  to  freeze  a  polar-bear 
here.    Oh,  here  comes  SaUy !" 


THE  BEWITCHED  CLOCK.  137 

The  beautiful  maiden  descended  with  a  pleasant  smile, 
a  tallow  candle,  and  a  box  of  matches. 

After  receiving  a  rapturous  greeting,  she  made  up  a  roar- 
ing fire  in  the  cooking-stove,  and  the  happy  couple  sat 
down  to  enjoy  the  sweet  interchange  of  views  and  hopes. 
But  the  course  of  true  love  ran  no  smoother  in  old  Bar- 
beny's  kitchen  than  it  did  elsewhere,  and  Joe,  who  was 
making  up  his  mind  to  treat  himself  to  a  kiss,  was  startled 
by  the  voice  of  the  deacon,  her  father,  shouting  from  her 
chamber  door : 

"  Sally,  what  are  you  getting  up  in  the  middle  of  the 
night  for?" 

"  Tell  him  it's  most  morning,"  whispered  Joe. 

"  I  can't  teU  a  fib,"  said  Sally. 

"  111  make  it  a  truth,  then,"  said  Joe,  and  running  to 
the  huge  old-fashioned  clock  that  stood  in  the  corner,  he 
set  it  at  five. 

"  Look  at  the  clock  and  tell  mo  what  time  it  is,"  cried 
the  old  gentleman  up-stairs. 

"  It's  five  by  the  clock,"  answered  Sally,  and,  corrobo- 
rating the  words,  the  clock  struck  five. 

The  lovers  sat  down  again,  and  resumed  the  conversa- 
tion.   Suddenly  the  staircase  began  to  creak. 

"  Good  gracious !  it's  father." 

"  The  deacon,  by  jingo !"  cried  Joe ;  "  hide  me,  Sal !" 

"  Where  can  I  hide  you  ?"  cried  the  distracted  girl. 

"Oh,  I  know,"  said  he;  "I'll  squeeze  into  the  clock- 
case." 

And  without  another  word  he  concealed  himself  in  the 
case,  and  drew  to  the  door  behind  him. 

The  deacon  was  dressed,  and  sitting  himself  down  by 
the  cooking-stove,  pulled  out  his  pipe,  lighted  it,  and  com- 
menced smoking  very  deliberately  and  calmly. 

"  Five  o'clock,  eh  ?"  said  he.  "Well,  I  shall  have  time 
to  smoke  three  or  four  pipes ;  then  I'll  go  and  feed  the 
critters." 


138  THE  BEWITCHED  CLOCK. 

"  Hadn't  you  better  go  and  feed  the  critters  first,  sir, 
and  smoke  afterward  ?"  suggested  the  dutiful  Sally. 

"No;  smokin'  clears  my  head  and  wakes  me  up," 
answered  the  deacon,  who  seemed  not  a  whit  disposed  to 
hurry  his  enjoyment. 

Bur-r-r-r — whiz — z — ding — ding  !  went  the  clock. 

"  Tormented  hghtning !"  cried  the  deacon,  starting  up, 
and  dropping  his  pipe  on  the  stove.  "  What  in  creation 
is  that?" 

Whiz !  ding !  ding !  ding !  went  the  old  clock,  ftuiously. 

"  It's  only  the  clock  striking  five,"  said  Sally,  tremulously. 

"  Powers  of  mercy !"  cried  the  deacon,  "  striking  five ! 
It's  struck  a  hundred  already." 

"  Deacon  Barberry  !"  cried  the  deacon's  better-half,  who 
had  hastily  robed  herself,  and  now  came  plunging  down  the 
staircase  in  the  wildest  state  of  alarm,  ''  what  is  the  matter 
of  the  clock?" 

"  Goodness  only  knows,"  replied  the  old  man. 

"  It's  been  in  the  family  these  hundred  years,  and  never 
did  I  know  it  to  carry  on  so  before." 

Whiz !  bang !  bang !  bang !  went  the  clock. 

"It'U  burst  itself!"  cried  the  old  lady,  shedding  a  flood 
of  tears,  "  and  there  won't  be  nothing  left  of  it." 

"  It's  bewitched,"  said  the  deacon,  who  retained  a  leaven 
of  New  England  superstition  in  his  nature.  "  Anyhow," 
he  said,  after  a  pause,  advancing  resolutely  toward  the 
clock,  "  I'll  see  what's  got  into  it." 

"  Oh,  don't!"  cried  the  daughter,  affectionately,  seizing 
one  of  his  coat-tails,  while  his  faithful  wife  hung  to  the  other. 

''  Don't,"  chorused  both  the  women  together. 

"Let  go  my  raiment!"  shouted  the  deacon;  "I  ain't 
afraid  of  the  powers  of  darkness." 

But  the  women  would  not  let  go ;  so  the  deacon  slipped 
off  his  coat,  and  while,  from  the  sudden  cessation  of  re- 
sistance, they  fell  heavily  on  the  floor,  he  darted  forward 
and  laid  his  hand  on  the  door  of  the  clock-case.    But  no 


HJLNS  IN  A  FIX.  139 

human  power  could  open  it.  Joe  was  holding  it  inside 
with  a  death-grasp.  The  deacon  began  to  be  dreadfully 
frightened.  He  gave  one  more  tug.  An  imearthly  yell, 
as  of  a  fiend  in  distress,  came  from  the  inside,  and  then 
the  clock-case  pitched  headforemost  on  the  floor,  smashed 
its  face,  and  wrecked  its  proportions. 

The  current  of  air  extinguished  the  Ught ;  the  deacon, 
the  old  lady  and  Sally  fled  up-stau's,  and  Joe  Mayweed, 
extricating  himself  from  the  clock,  effected  his  retreat  in 
the  same  way  that  he  had  entered.  The  next  day  all 
Appleton  was  ahve  with  the  story  of  how  Deacon  Bar- 
berry's clock  had  been  bewitched ;  and  though  many  be- 
hoved its  version,  some,  and  especially  Joe  Mayweed, 
afl'ected  to  discredit  the  whole  affair,  hinting  that  the 
deacon  had  been  trying  the  experiment  of  tasting  frozen 
cider,  and  that  the  vagaries  of  the  clock-case  existed  only 
in  a  distempered  imagination. 


HANS  IN  A  FIX. 

DUTCH  DIALECT. 

Von  I  lays  myself  down  in  my  lonely  pedroom, 

TJnt  dries  vor  to  sleep  werry  soundt, 
De  treams — oh,  how  into  my  het  tey  vill  gome. 

Tin  I  vish  I  was  unter  der  groundt  I 
Sometimes,  ven  I  eats  von  pig  supper,  I  treams 

Dat  my  shtomack  is  filt  full  of  shtones, 
TJnt  out  in  mine  shleep,  like  ter  tnyfel,  I  shcreems, 

TJnt  kick  off  ter  ped-glose,  unt  groans ! 
Den  dere,  ash  I  lay  mit  ter  ped-glose  all  off, 

I  kits  myself  all  over  vrose ; 
In  te  morning  I  vakes  mit  te  headaches  unt  congh, 

TJnt  I'm  zick  vrom  mine  het  to  mine  dose. 
Oh,  vat  shall  be  dun  ver  a  poor  man  like  me  I 

Yat  for  do  I  lif  such  a  life  t 
Some  say  dere's  a  cure  vor  drouples  of  me : 

Dinks  I'll  dry  it,  unt  kit  mo  von  vifu  1 


140  THE  FRENCHMAN'S  MISTAKE. 

THE  FRENCHMAN'S  MISTAKE. 

FKEMCH  DTAT.KCT  KECITATIOK. 

Not  long  since  a  sober  middle-aged  gentleman  was 
quietly  dozing  in  one  of  our  raUroad  trains,  when  his  pleas- 
ant, drowsy  meditations  were  suddenly  interrupted  by  the 
sharp  voice  of  the  individual  by  his  side.  This  was  no  less 
a  personage  than  a  dandified,  hot-blooded,  inquisitive 
Frenchman,  who  raised  his  hairy  visage  close  to  that  of  the 
gentleman  he  addressed. 

"  Pardonnez,  sare ;  but  vat  you  do  viz  ze  pictair — Jiein  ?" 

As  he  spoke,  monsieur  pointed  to  some  beautiful  steel 
plate  engravings,  in  frames,  which  the  quiet  gentleman 
held  in  his  lap,  and  which  suited  the  fancy  of  the  httle 
French  connoisseur  precisely. 

The  quiet  gentleman  looked  at  the  inquisitive  foreigner 
with  a  scowl  which  he  meant  to  be  very  forbidding,  and 
made  no  reply.  The  Frenchman,  nothing  daunted,  once 
more  approached  his  hairy  visage  into  that  of  his  compan- 
ion, and  repeated  the  question : 

"  Vat  you  do  viz  ze  yictair—hein  ?" 

"  I  am  taking  them  to  Salem,"  repUed  the  quiet  gentle- 
man, gruffly. 

"  Ha !  you  take  'em  to  sell  'em  !"  chimed  in  the  shrill 
voice  of  the  Frenchman.  "  I  be  glad  of  zat,  by  gar !  I  like 
the  pictair.    I  buy  'em  of  you,  sare.    How  much  you  ask  I" 

"  They  are  not  for  sale,"  replied  the  sleepy  gentleman 
— more  thoroughly  awake,  by  the  bye,  and  not  a  httle 
irritated. 

"  Hein  ?"  grunted  monsieur  in  astonishment.  "  Vat  you 
say,  sare  V 

"  I  say  I  don't  want  to  sell  the  pictures?"  cried  the  other, 
at  the  top  of  his  voice. 

"  By  gar !  d'est  drole .'"  exclaimed  the  Frenchman,  his  eye 
beginning  to  flash  with  passion.  "  It  is  one  strange  cir- 
cumstance, parbleu !    I  ask  you  vat  you  do  viz  ze  pictair, 


THE  FKETSTCHMAII'S  MISTAKE.  141 

and  you  say  you  take  'em  to  sell  'em,  and  zen  you  vill  not 
sell  'em  !    Vat  you  mean,  sare — hein  /" 

"I  mean  what  I  say,"  replied  the  other,  sharply.  "I 
don't  want  to  sell  the  engravings,  and  I  didn't  say  I  did." 

' '  Morbleu .'"  sputtered  monsieur,  in  a  tone  loud  enough  to 
attract  the  attention  of  those  of  his  fellow-travelers  who 
were  not  already  listening;  '^morbleu!  you  mean  to  say  I 
'ave  not  any  ear  I  Non,  monsiem*,  by  gar  I  hear  ver'  well 
vat  you  tell  me.  You  say  you  sell  ze  pictair.  Is  it  because 
I  one  Frenchman,  zat  you  will  not  sell  me  ze  pictair  ?" 

The  irritated  gentleman,  hoping  to  rid  himself  of  the  an- 
noyance, turned  his  back  upon  his  assailant,  and  made  no 
reply. 

But  monsieur  was  not  to  be  put  off  thus.  He  laid  his 
hand  on  the  shoulder  of  the  other,  and  showing  his  small 
white  teeth,  exclaimed : 

"Sacristie!  monsieur,  zis  is  too  muche.  You've  give 
me  one  insult,  and  I  shall  'ave  satisfaction."  Still  no  reply. 
"  By  gar,  monsieur,"  continued  the  Frenchman,  "  you  are 
not  one  gentleman,  I  shall  call  you  one  poltroon — ^vat  you 
call  'em  ? — coward !" 

"  What  do  you  mean  ?"  retorted  the  other,  afraid  the 
affair  was  beginning  to  get  serious;  "  I  haven't  insulted 
you,  sir." 

"Pardonnez,  monsieur,  but  it  is  one  grand  insult!  In 
America,  perhaps  not;  but  in  France,  one  blow  yom: 
brains  out." 

"For  what,  pray?" 

"  For  vat  t  Parbleu  I  you  call  me  one  menteur— how 
you  speak  'em — hart  you  call  me  one  liar?  you  call  me 
one  liar  ?" 

"  Oh,  no,  sir.    You  misunderstood " 

"No,  by  gar!  I've  got  ears.  You  say  you  vill  sell  ze 
pictair ;  and  ven  I  tell  you  vat  you  say,  you  say  ze  con- 
trarie — zat  is  not  so !" 

"  But  I  didn't  tell  you  I  would  sell  the  pictures,"  remon- 


142  LEEDLE  TAWCOB  STKATJSS. 

strated  the  man  with  the  engravings,  beginning  to  feel 
alarmed  at  the  passion  manifested  by  the  other.  "You 
mismiderstood " 

"  I  tell  you  no !  It  is  not  posseebl' !  When  I  ask  you 
Vat  you  do  viz  ze  pictair,  vat  you  say  ?" 

"  I  said  I  was  taking  them  to  Salem." 

"  Yes,  parbleu  /"  exclaimed  monsieur,  more  angry  than 
ever,  "  you  say  you  take  'em  to  sell  'em " 

"  No,  no!"  interrupted  the  other,  "  not  to  sell  them,  but 
ScUem — the  City  of  Salem." 

"  Ze  city  of  Sell  'em !"  exclaimed  the  Frenchman,  amid 
the  roars  of  laughter  that  greeted  his  ears.  ^'Sacristie! 
Zat  is  one  grand  mistake.  Pardon,  monsiem"!  Queje  suis 
bete!  The  city  of  Sell  'em?  Ha,  ha!  I  will  remember 
zat,  by  gar!"  And  he  stroked  his  moustache  with  his 
fingers,  while  the  man  with  the  engravings  once  more  gave 
way  to  his  drowsy  inclinations. 


LEEDLE  YAWCOB  STRAUSS. 

BT  CHABLES  F.  ADAMS. 

I  have  got  a  leedle  boy 

Yot  gomes  schust  to  my  knee ; 
Der  queerest  schap,  the  greatest  roguo 

As  efer  you  dit  see ; 
He  runs  and  jumps,  and  smashes  dings 

In  all  parts  of  der  house — 
But  what  of  dot?  he  vas  mine  son. 

Mine  leedle  Yawcob  Strauss. 

He  get  der  measles  und  der  mumbs, 
Unt  eferyding  dat's  out ; 

He  spills  mine  glass  of  lager  beer, 
Puts  schnnfiF  into  mine  kraut ; 

He  fills  my  pipe  with  Limburg  cheese- 
Dot  vas  der  roughest  chouse ; 

Fd  dake  dot  vrom  no  oder  boy 
But  leedle  Yawcob  Strauss. 


H0T7  A  DTJTCHl^II  "WAS  DONE.  143 

He  dakes  der  milk  pan  for  a  dhrmu, 

Und  cuts  mine  cane  in  dwo 
To  make  der  sthicks  to  beat  it  mit — 

Mine  cracious,  dot  vas  drae ! 
I  dinks  mine  head  vas  scbplit  apart, 

He  kicks  up  such  a  touse — 
But  never  mind,  der  boys  vas  few 

Like  dot  leedle  Tawcob  Strauss. 

He  asks  me  questions  sooch  as  dese : 

Who  baints  mine  nose  so  red  ? 
Who  vas  it  cut  dot  schmoot  blace  out 

Yrom  der  hair  upon  mine  head  T 
Und  vere  der  plaze  goes  vrom  der  lamp 

Yene'er  der  glim  I  douse — 
How  gan  I  all  dese  dings  eggsblain 

To  dot  shmall  Yawcob  Strauss  f 

I  somedimes  tink  I  schall  go  vild 

Mit  sooch  a  grazy  poy, 
Und  vish  vonce  more  I  gould  haf  rest 

Und  beaceftd  dimes  enshoy ; 
But  ven  he  vas  aschleep  in  ped 

So  quiet  as  a  mouse, 
I  brays  der  Lord,  "  Dake  anydings, 

But  leaf  dot  Yawcob  Strauss." 


HOW  A  DUTCHMAN  WAS  DONE. 

HUMOBOCS  BECITATIOK.— DirrOH  ASD  IBI8H  DIAIXCTS. 

Hans  was  in  a  terrible  sweat.  One  of  his  finest  calves 
had  broken  its  leg,  and  he  knew  not  what  to  do  with  it. 
At  this  juncture  Pat  happened  along,  and  offered  Hans  for 
his  crippled  calf  a  pig,  which  in  his  oily  brogue  he  de- 
scribed as  "  an  illigant  craythur,  sur."  After  some  hesita- 
tion, Hans  agreed  to  accept  the  pig  as  an  equivalent  for 
the  calf,  taking  Pat's  word  for  the  many  good  quahties  of 
the  pig,  all  of  which  combined  rendered  him  a  "jewel,  sur." 

A  few  days  passed,  and  Pat  had  killed  or  otherwise  dis- 


144  HOW  A  DUTCH:!^N  was  DOi^E. 

posed  of  his  calf,  when  Hans  thought  he  would  go  and 
look  after  his  pig.  He  found  Patrick  at  his  home  in  the 
suburbs,  mending  a  wheelbarrow.  Hans  made  known  the 
object  of  his  visit,  when  Pat  said,  ''All  right,  sur;  you'll 
find  him  in  good  health  and  fine  spirits,  sur.  This  way, 
Bur,"  and  Pat  led  the  way  through  some  beds  of  cabbages 
to  a  comer  of  the  lot  surroundiug  an  unpretending  '<  cot," 
where,  in  a  much  patched  board  pen,  stood  Hans'  porcine 
property.  The  beast  arose  as  the  two  men  rested  their 
arms  upon  the  top  of  the  pen  and  looked  down  upon  him. 
As  he  elevated  himself  upon  his  long  slender  limbs,  he  gave 
a  loud  snort,  and  shaking  his  head  till  his  long,  pendulous 
ears  flapped  against  his  cheeks  like  leather  aprons,  he  ele- 
vated his  snout,  and,  backing  towards  the  rear  of  his  pen, 
began  smacking  his  chops,  at  the  same  time  uttering  a 
low,  dissatisfied  and  distrustful  muttering  sound.  Where 
not  hairless,  he  was  sandy ;  was  of  the  masculine  persua- 
sion ;  had  white  eyelashes,  and  a  good  deal  of  white  sur- 
rounding his  httle  glittering  eyes — indeed,  he  had  not  at 
all  a  prepossessing  look. 

"  He's  a  bit  bashful,  sur,"  said  Pat,  in  explanation  of 
the  somewhat  dubious  conduct  of  the  dissipated  looking 
beast,  and  naturally  anxious  to  remove  any  unfavorable 
impression  said  demeanor  might  have  created  in  Hans' 
mind.  "  He's  a  bit  bashful,  sur,  not  having  seen  many 
jintlemen  out  o'  me  own  famUy :  but  he's  sure,  sur,  to  be 
very  fond  o'  ye  whin  ye've  been  a  little  while  in  his 
society,  sur." 

"Taw,"  answered  Hans,  "dasist  a  ferry  ofiectionous 
look  vot  he  hafe  got :  ton't  it  ?" 

"  Indade,  sur,"  warmly  replied  Pat,  "  ye  may  well  say 
that.  I've  bin  upon  tarms  of  intimacy  wid  pigs  ov  ivery 
kind  aU  me  loife,  sur,  an'  though  I  say  it  meself,  sur,  an' 
ov  one  o'  the  family  like,  still  I  will  say,  sur,  that  a  pig 
ov  a  swater  an'  more  forgivin'  disposition  I've  niverhad  to 
do  wid  in  all  me  time,  sur." 


HO"W  A  DUTCHMAN  WAS  DONE.  145 

"  Yaw,  exactly.  You  vas  grief  to  part  mit  dose  peauti- 
fiil  pig,  now,  ain't  it  ?    So  schweet  mit  his  dispositions." 

"Sure,  an'  how  can  I  help  it,  sur?  He  was  bom  wid 
me,  an'  he's  bin  wid  me  all  the  days  of  his  loife,  sur, 
a-lookin'  up  to  me  an'  a-dependin'  on  me,  till  his  voice  is 
as  famihar  as  my  own." 

"  He  look  like  der  woice  of  him  moost  pe  fery  sthrong. 
Look  on  dose  chests  of  him ;  mine  himmel,  he  is  more  as 
dree  inches  vide !" 

"  Faith,  sur,  his  lungs  is  as  sound  as  the  bells  o'  Bran- 
don, an'  when  he  obsarves  me  comin'  home  o'  evenings, 
it's  a  loud  whisper  he  spakes  wid." 

"  Yaw,  veil,  I  dink  now,  he  ton't  cares  fery  mooch  about 
his  fittals — he  eat  shoost  pooty  moosh  aboud  anydings  vat 
you  gif  'im  f " 

"  Not  the  laste  partickuler,  sur.  He  puts  up  wid  the 
same  as  the  rest  o'  the  family,  sur,  an'  divil  a  growl  out  o* 
his  head,  when  pigs  as  has  bin  raised  wid  some  families  I 
know,  sur,  would  roar  night  an'  day  about  it,  sur." 

"  Oxactly.  Now,  pesides  dat  he  ist  an  offectionous  pigs ; 
he  got  considerations  aboud  him — ain't  it  ?  Too  berhde  to 
put  on  some  hiferlutin  airs  aboud  grub  matters.  Veil,  veil, 
dose  mannei-s !  He  vos  most  decisively  ein  fine  pig— some 
pigs  ton't  got  no  considerations." 

"  He's  bin  well  raised,  sm-,  an'  is  a  credit  to  the  family, 
as  you  can  see  for  yourself,  sur.  There  he  stands,  sur,  all 
modesty,  and  observin'  ye  wid  the  greatest  respect,  bash- 
ful as  he  is." 

"  Yaw,  oxactly.  A  reckuler  yewel  yenerally,  ain't  id  f 
Bote  vot  for  he  does  make  his  eyes  dat  vay  oude  fon  his 
het  ?  Py  plitzen !  look  on  his  mout,  how  he  slobber,  and 
how  like  ter  teufel  he  pegins  to  whuier  aroundt !  Vot  for 
ish  dese  ?  By  Shupiter !  he  ist  grazy — ^he  vill  tie  right 
avay  oude !" 

"  Ah,  sur,  it  was  that  I  had  m  me  mind  to  tell  ye.  In 
some  respects  he  is  not  robust,  sir.    Fits,  sur,  he  some- 


146  DOT  LAMBS  VOT  MAET  HAT  GOT. 

times  haves  fits.  But  you  must  bear  wid  him,  sur,  an' 
whin  he's  done  wid  'em  he's  so  conthrite,  sur,  ye  haven't 
the  heart  to  find  fault  wid  him.  It's  a  spacies  o'  epperlap- 
tic,  sur,  prejudiced  by  former  indispositions,  sur;  so  a  man 
tould  me  as  had  a  dale  o'  practice  wid  physic  as  a  cow 
doctor,  sur.  In  his  younger  days  the  puir  baste  was  much 
afOicted,  sur,  an'  this  brought  on  the  fits,  so  the  man  said, 
sur.  'Pat,'  says  he,  'have  he  iver  had  the  kidney  wur- 
rum  f  '  He  have,  sur,'  ses  I.  '  The  maisels  V  ses  he.  '  He 
have,'  ses  I.  '  The  thumps  f  ses  he.  '  He  have  had  'em,' 
ses  I.  'The  cholera?'  ses  he.  'He  have,  sur,'  ses  I. 
'Zounds,  Pat,'  ses  he,  'that  accounts  for  the  fits,'  ses  he. 
Ah !  poor  divU,  he  is  aisier  now.  Shall  I  lep  intil  the  pen 
and  pass  him  out  till  ye,  sur?" 

"  Oxkoose  me,  mine  goot  frient,  der  pig  ist  ein  peauti- 
M  pigs,  a  reckeler  yewel  as  vot  you  yenerally  can  find; 
but  for  mineself,  I  more  radder  have  ein  pigs  vot  ton't  got 
some  fidts  simile  like  dose  of  him.    I  ton't  took  'um." 

Hans  makes  a  break  across  the  cabbage  patch,  when 
Pat  sings  out: 

"  Sure  ye'd  betther  take  'im,  sur:  a  gratefuller  baste  ye 
never  had  to  do  wid." 

"  Yaw,  but  I  ton't  took  'um.  Tou  yoost  keep  dose  pig; 
I  don't  gone  to  preak  your  heart  mit  a  seberation  mit  der 
vamily,  oxpecially  to  take  avay  der  prightest  ornamend 
vot  it  hafe  got." 


DOT  LAMBS  VOT  MARY  HAF  GOT. 

PABODT  ON  "  MAEY   HAD  A  LITTLE  LAMB." 

Mary  haf  got  a  leetle  Iambs  already : 
Dose  vool  vas  vite  like  shnow ; 
Und  every  times  dot  Mary  did  vend  oued, 
Dot  lambs  vent  also  oued  vid  Mary. 

Dot  lambs  dit  follow  Mary  von  day  of  der  school-house, 
Vlcb  vas  obbosition  to  der  rules  of  der  schoolmaster, 


THE  YAITKEE  AND  THE  DUTCHMAN'S  DOG.  147 

Alzo,  vich  it  dit  caused  dose  schillen  to  schmilo  out  loud 

Ven  dey  did  saw  dose  lambs  on  der  insides  of  der  school-house. 

Und  zo  dot  schoolmaster  did  kick  dot  lambs  quick  oued, 
Likevise,  dot  lambs  dit  loaf  around  on  der  outsides, 
Und  did  shoo  der  flies  mit  his  tail  off  patiently  aboud 
Until  Mary  did  come  also  from  dot  school-house  oued. 

Und  den  dot  lambs  did  run  right  away  quick  to  Mary, 
Und  dit  make  his  het  on  Mary's  arms, 
Like  ho  would  said,  "  I  dond  vos  schkared, 
Mary  would  keep  from  droubbles  ena  how." 

"  Yot  vos  der  reason  aboud  it,  of  dot  lambs  und  Mary  t" 
Dose  schillen  did  ask  it,  dot  schoolmaster ; 
VeU,  doand  you  kiow  it,  dot  Mary  lov  dose  lambs  already, 
Dot  schoolmaster  did  zaid. 

MORAL. 

Und  zo,  alzo,  dot  moral  vas, 
Boued  Mary's  lambs'  relations : 
Of  you  lofe  dose  like  she  lofe  dose, 
Dot  lambs  vas  obligations. 


THE  YANKEE  AND  THE  DUTCHMAN'S 
DOG. 

OOMIO  BXCITATION.— DUTCH  ASS  TANKKE  DIAt-ECTS. 

Hiram  was  a  quiet,  peaceable  sort  of  a  Yankee,  who  lived 
on  the  same  farm  on  which  his  fathers  had  lived  before 
him,  and  was  generally  considered  a  pretty  cute  sort  of  a 
fellow — always  ready  with  a  trick,(  whenever  it  was  of  the 
least  utility  ;\  yet,' when  he  did  play  any  of  his  tricks,  'twas 
done  in  such  an  innocent  manner,  that  his  victim  could  do 
no  better  than  take  it  all  in  good  part. 

Now,  it  happened  that  one  of  Hiram's  neighbors  sold  a 
farm  to  a  tolerably  green  specimen  of  a  Dutchman — one  of 
the  real  unintelligent,  stupid  sort. 

Von  Vlom  Schlopsch  had  a  dog,  as  Dutchmen  often 
have,  who  was  less  unintelligent  than  his  master,  and  who 


148         THE  TAIfKEE  AND  THE  DUTCHMAN'S  DOO. 

had,  since  leaving  his  "  faderland,"  become  sufficiently 
civilized  not  only  to  appropriate  the  soil  as  common  stock, 
but  had  progressed  so  far  in  the  good  work  as  to  obtain 
his  dinners  from  the  neighbors'  sheepfold  on  the  same 
principle. 

When  Hiram  discovered  this  propensity  in  the  canine 
department  of  the  Dutchman's  family,  he  walked  over 
to  his  new  neighbor's  to  enter  complaint,  which  mission 
he  accomplished  in  the  most  natural  method  in  the  world. 

"  Wall,  Von,  your  dog  Blitzen's  been  killing  my  sheep." 

"  Ya !  dat  ish  bace — bad.  He  ish  von  goot  tog.  Ya ! 
dat  ish  bad !" 

"  Sartin,  it's  bad;  and  youll  have  to  stop  'im."        i 

"Ya!  dat  ish  alias  goot;  but  ich  weis  nicht." 

"What's  that  you  say  ?  he  was  niched  f  Wall,  now  look 
here,  old  fellow !  nickin's  no  use.  Crop  'im ;  cut  his  tail 
off  close,  chock  up  to  his  trunk.    That'll  cure  'im." 

"  Vat  ish  dat  ?"  exclaimed  the  Dutchman,  while  a  faint 
ray  of  intelligence  crept  over  his  features.  "  Ya !  dat  ish 
goot.    Dat  cure  von  sheep  steal,  eh  ?" 

"  Sartin  it  will ;  he'll  never  touch  sheep-meat  again  in 
this  world,"  said  Hiram,  gravely. 

"  Den  come  mit  me.  He  von  mity  goot  tog — aU  the  way 
from  Yarmany.  I  not  take  von  five  dollar ;  but  come  mit 
me,  and  hold  his  tail,  eh  ?    Ich  chop  him  off." 

"  Sartin,"  said  Hiram.  "  I'll  hold  his  tail  if  you  want  me 
tew ;  but  you  must  cut  it  up  close." 

"Ya  !  dat  ish  right.  Ich  make  'im  von  goot  tog.  There, 
Blitzen,  Blitzen!  come  right  here,  you  von  sheep  steal 
rashcull.    I  chop  your  tail  in  von  two  pieces."  t 

The  dog  obeyed  the  summons,  and  the  master  tied  his 
feet,  fore  and  aft,  for  fear  of  accident,  and  placing  the  tail 
in  the  Yankee's  hand,  requested  him  to  lay  it  across  a 
large  block  of  wood. 

"  Chock  up,"  said  Hiram,  as  he  drew  the  butt  of  the  tail 
close  over  the  log. 


ZWEI  LAGEB.  149 

"  Ya!  dat  ish  right.  Now,  you  von  tief  sheep,  I  leams 
you  better  luck,"  said  Von  Vlom  Schlopsch,  as  he  raised 
the  axe. 

It  descended;  and  as  it  did  so,  Hiram,  with  character- 
istic presence  of  mind,  gave  a  sudden  jerk,  and  brought 
Blitzen's  neck  over  the  log,  and  the  head  rolled  over  the 
other  side. 

"Wall,  Iswow!"  said  Hiram,  with  apparent  astonish- 
ment, as  he  dropped  the  headless  trunk  of  the  dogj  "that 
was  a  leetle  too  close." 

"Mine  cootness!"  exclaimed  the  Dutchman,  "youshust 
cut  Hm  off  de  wrong  end  /" 


ZWEI  LAGER. 

ISOH  "  \XXmX  TAWCOB  aTSAUSS,  AMD  OTHEB  POEMS." — CBABLES  F.  ADAMS. 

Der  night  vas  dark  as  anydhing, 
Veil  at  mine  door  two  vellers  ring, 
Und  say,  ven  I  asked  who  vas  dhere, 
"  Git  up  and  git " — ^und  den  dey  schvear — 
"  Zwei  lager." 

I  says,  "  'Tis  late ;  shust  leaf  mine  house, 
Und  don'd  be  making  sucb  a  towse  !" 
Dey  only  lauft  me  in  der  f;ico, 
Und  say,  "  Pring  oudt,  '  Old  Schweizerkase,' 
Zwei  lager." 

I  dold  dem  dot  der  bier  vas  oudt ; 
But  dose  two  shaps  sot  oup  a  shout, 
Und  said  no  matter  if  'twas  late. 
Dot  dey  moost  haf  "  put  on  dor  schlate  " 
Zwei  lager. 

'*  Oh !  go  avay,  dot  is  goot  boys," 
Mine  moder  says,  "  und  schtop  der  noise ;" 
But  sdill  dem  vellers  yelt  avay, 
Und  dis  voa  all  dot  dey  vould  say : 
"  Zwei  lagor." 


ISO      MONSIEUR  MOCQUAED  BETWEEN  TWO  FTRES. 

"  Tot  makes  you  gome/'  mine  taughter  said, 

"  Yen  beoples  all  vas  in  deir  ped  t 
Shust  gome  to-morrow  ven  you're  dhry.'* 
But  dem  two  plackguards  sdill  did  cry, 
"  Zwei  lager." 

"  Yot  means  you  by  sooch  dings  as  dese  t 
I  go  and  calls  for  der  boleese," 
Says  Sehneigelfritz,  who  lifs  next  door ; 
Dey  only  yelt  more  as  pefore, 

"  Zwei  lager." 

"  You  shust  holdt  on  a  leedle  vhUe," 
Says  mine  Katrina  mit  a  schmUe ; 

"  I  vix  dose  shaps,  you  pet  my  Ufe, 

So  dey  don'd  ask  off  Pfeiffer's  vife 

Zwei  lager." 

Den  righd  avay  she  got  a  peese 
Of  goot  und  schtrong  old  Limburg  sheese, 
And  put  it  shoost  outside  der  door ; 
Und  den  we  did't  hear  no  more 
Zwei  lager. 


MONSIEUR  MOCQUARD   BETWEEN 
TWO  FIRES. 


FBSNCH  DIALECT  EECITATION. 


Meeting  our  friend,  Jean  Mocquard,  a  day  or  two  since, 
limping  along  with  his  feet  encased  in  a  pair  of  large 
woolen  overshoes,  we  said :  "  Hello,  Jean,  where  have  you 
been  for  the  last  month  V  ' 

"  Ah,  sare,  one  situation  miserable  have  detain  me  to  me 
house.  Zee  gout,  zee  gout !  I  am  crucify  all  ze  time  wis 
dose  two  feet  of  me.  I  have,  besides,  trouble  diabolique 
wis  my  landlady  and  my  landlord,  Madame  Dobb  and  Mis- 
tair  Dobb.  If  I  drink  somesing  I  suffer  as  do  zee  people 
of  zer  bad  place.  S'pose  I  not  drink,  Mistair  Dobb  he  give 
to  me  fits;  s'pose  I  take  one  drink,  Madame  Dobb  she 


AITNT  HETTY  ON  MATRIMONY.  151 

give  to  me  fits.  So  you  see  I  am  place  between  what  you 
call  two  fire. 

"  When  ze  big  American  holiday  arrive  Mistair  Dobb 
become  extremely  elevate  wiz  too  numerous  whisky 
ponch.  I  go  into  me  room  and  make  of  it  one  fortification. 
Dobb  he  say  to  mo :  '  Come  out  and  drink.'  I  say  to  him  : 
'  My  room  is  lock,  is  fortify.  I  no  can  drink.  I  am  afiraid, 
you  see,  of  Madame  Dobb.' 

"  Dobb  he  go  away  and  presently  return  and  project 
through  zee  keyhole  one  straw  of  zee  rye  or  zee  wheat,  I 
don't  know,  and  hello  to  me  in  one  small  voice  zat  I  sail 
suck  of  ze  same.  I  do  so,  and  find  one  what  you  caU  mint 
of  zee  juUp  at  zee  outside  end  of  zee  straw. 

"  I  have  done  all  I  can,  I  have  fortify,  but  Dobb  he  in- 
vade me,  80  I  suck  of  zee  juhp— I  compromise  wis  zee 
enemy. 

"Now  Madame  Dobb  she  one  ver  ingenious  woman. 
She  have  perceive  zee  little  juhp  entertainment  fi'om  a  dis- 
tance. Presently  one  more  straw  project  himself  into  zee 
keyhole.  I  suck  him,  and,  by  gar  J  what  you  sink  ?  Salt 
watair,  by  gar !  salt  watair !  Outside  I  hear  Madame 
Dobb  remark :  '  Ho,  ho,  ho !  he,  he,  he  I' 

"  Ah,  me  friend,  zee  situation  ver  distreesful.  I  am  con- 
stant between  two  fire — ^Dobb  and  Madame  Dobb !" 


AUNT  HETTY  ON  MATRIMONY. 

A  TAMXZK  BKCTTATIOH. 

"  Now,  girls,"  said  Aunt  Hetty,  "  put  down  your  em- 
broideiy  and  worsted  work,  do  something  sensible,  and 
stop  building  air  castles,  and  talking  of  lovers  and  honey- 
moons. It  makes  me  sick — it's  perfectly  antimonial.  Love 
is  a  farce;  matrimony  is  a  humbug;  husbands  are  domes- 
tic Napoleons,  Neroes,  Alexanders,  sighing  for  other  hearts 
to  conquer  after  they  are  sure  of  yours.    The  honeymoon 


152  AUNT  HETTY  ON  MATKLMONT. 

is  as  short-lived  as  a  lucifer-match.  After  that  you  may 
wear  your  wedding-dress  at  the  wash-tub,  and  your  night- 
cap to  meeting,  and  your  husband  won't  liuow  it.  You 
may  pick  up  your  own  pocket  handkerchief,  help  yourself 
to  a  chair,  and  spht  your  gown  across  the  back  reaching 
over  the  table  to  get  a  piece  of  butter,  while  he  is  laying 
in  his  breakfast  as  if  it  were  the  last  meal  he  should  eat 
in  this  world.  When  he  gets  through  he  will  aid  yom*  di- 
gestion, while  you  are  sipping  your  first  cup  of  coflee,  by 
inquiring  what  you'll  have  for  dinner,  whether  the  cold 
lamb  was  aU  ate  yesterday,  if  the  charcoal  is  aU  out,  and 
what  you  gave  for  the  last  green  tea  you  bought.  Then 
he  gets  up  from  the  table,  Mghts  his  cigar  with  the  last 
evening's  paper,  that  you  have  not  had  a  chance  to  read, 
gives  two  or  three  whiflfs  of  smoke,  sure  to  give  you  a  head- 
ache for  the  afternoon,  and  just  as  his  coat-tail  is  vanish- 
ing through  the  door,  apologizes  for  not  doing  '  that  errand' 
for  you  yesterday,  thinks  it  doubtful  if  he  can  to-day,  so 
pressed  with  business.  Hear  of  him  at  eleven  o'clock  tak- 
gin  an  ice-cream  with  some  ladies  at  Vinton's,  while  you 
are  putting  new  linings  in  his  coat  sleeves.  Children  by 
the  ears  all  day,  can't  get  out  to  take  the  air,  feel  as  dizzy 
as  a  fly  in  a  drum.  Husband  comes  home  at  night,  nods 
a  'how  d'ye  do,  Fan,'  boxes  Charley's  ears,  stands  little 
Fanny  in  the  corner,  sits  down  in  the  easiest  chair  in  the 
warmest  corner,  puts  his  feet  over  the  grate,  shutting  out 
all  the  fire,  while  the  baby's  little  pug  nose  grows  blue 
with  the  cold,  reads  the  newspaper  all  to  himself,  solaces 
his  inner  man  with  a  hot  cup  of  tea,  and,  just  as  you  ai-e 
laboring  under  the  hallucination  that  he  will  ask  you  to 
take  a  mouthful  of  fresh  air  with  him,  he  puts  on  his 
dressing  gown  and  slippers,  and  begins  to  reckon  up  the 
family  expenses !  After  which  he  lays  down  on  the  sofo, 
and  you  keep  time  with  your  needle,  while  he  snores  till 
nine  o'clock.  Next  morning  ask  him  to  'leave  you  a  httle 
money,'  he  looks  at  you  as  if  to  be  sure  you  are  in  your 


SCHNEIDEE'S  BIDE.  153 

right  mind,  draws  a  sigh  long  enough  and  strong  enough 
to  inflate  a  pair  of  bellows,  and  asks  you  'what  you  want 
with  it,  and  if  half  a  dollar  won't  do.'  Gracious  king !  as 
if  these  little  shoes  and  stockings  and  petticoats  could  he 
had  for  a  half  a  dollar !  Oh,  girls !  set  your  aflections  on 
cats,  poodles,  parrots  or  lap-dogs,  but  let  matric^ony 
alone.  It's  the  hardest  way  on  earth  of  getting  a  hvin^ 
you  never  know  when  your  work  is  done  up.  Think  of 
carrying  eight  or  nine  children  through  the  measles, 
chicken-pox,  rash,  mumps  and  scarlet  fever,  some  of  'em 
twice  over — it  makes  my  head  ache  to  think  of  it.  Oh, 
you  may  scrimp  and  save,  and  twist  and  turn,  and  dig 
and  delve,  and  economize,  and  die,  and  your  husband  will 
maiTy  again,  and  take  what  you  have  saved  to  dress  his 
second  wife  with,  and  she'll  take  your  portrait  for  a  fire- 
board  ;  but  what's  the  use  of  talking  ?  Ill  warrant  every 
one  of  youll  try  it,  the  first  chance  you  get — there's  a 
sort  of  bewitchment  about  it,  somehow.  I  wish  one  half 
of  the  world  wam't  fools,  and  t'other  half  idiots,  I  do.  Oh, 
dear  1" 


SCHNEIDER'S  RIDE. 

PASODY  ON  "  SHERIDAN'S  BIDE." — BY  OOFTY  OOOn. 

From  gross  der  rifer,  ad  broke  of  day, 

Bringin'  by  Brooklyn  fresh  dismay, 

Der  news  vas  send,  by  Dutchman  drue, 

Dot  der  officers  of  der  refenne 

Vood  be  ofer  in  less  as  an  hour  or  dwo, 

To  confiscate  all  der  visky  dey  got 

In  Schneider's  blace,  or  near  der  shbot. 

Und  vilder  yed  dem  rumors  dey  flew, 

DiU  Schneider  didn't  know  vat  to  do ; 

So  he  glosed  der  doors  und  barred  dem  dight, 

Saying,  "  Dey  kin  hammer  avay  mit  all  der  might; 

Of  dey  gid  dem  oben  before  id's  night, 

Den  I  don'd  know — but  ve  shall  see 


154  SCHNEIDER'S  RLDE. 

Who  is  der  shmardesd,  dem  or  me  !" 

For  a  hoMi  or  dree  no  resd  he  got, 

Shdill  Schneider  shdaid  righd  on  der  shbot. 

Bud  dere  is  a  shdreed  iu  Brooklyn  down 

Dot  isn'd  bafed,  dot  leads  righd  down 

To  Groney  Island,  und  vat  is  more 

(Dot's  a  yonder  id  nefer  vas  used  before). 

Id  vas  righd  in  frond  of  der  back  of  der  shdore, 

TJnd  dere  on  dot  road  vas  nine  drucks  imd  a  cart, 

Loading  mit  visky  all  ready  to  shdart ; 

De/re  mosd  aU  loaded,  und  Schneider  is  gay, 

In  dem  momends  he'll  be  boud  a  mile  avay. 

Dey're  oflF,  und  noding  is  left  to  show 

Vat  vay  dey  made  ub  deir  minds  to  go, 

TJnd  oferyding's  mofed,  yed  nod  a  sound 

Kin  be  heerd  bud  der  veels  agoin'  around, 

As  dey  mofe  so  shwifdly  ofer  der  ground ; 

Und  Schneider  looks  back  und  says,  "  Goot  day," 

For  now  he's  more  as  fife  miles  avay, 

Shdill  jumbs  dem  horses,  shdill  on  dey  go, 

TJnd  der  vay  dey  mofe  dot  isn'd  shlow ; 

Dey're  goiu'  down  hill,  und  fasder  und  fasder, 

Dey're  drifen  ahead  by  Schneider,  der  masder, 

"Who  shducks  to  dem  now  like  a  boor  man's  blaster; 

For  veil  he  knows  dot  if  now  he's  dooked. 

He  kin  make  ub  his  mind  dot  his  goose  vas  cooked — 

So  efery  mussels  dey  pring  in  blay, 

Cause  dey  aind  any  more  as  den  miles  avay. 

Under  dheir  flyin'  hoofs  der  road. 

Like  a  grade  big  mutgudder  dot  flowed, 

Und  der  flies  dot  had  come  all  der  vay  from  town 

Now  got  dired,  und  had  to  lay  down 

To  took  a  shmaU  resd  ubon  der  ground. 

For  "  Schneid  "  und  der  vagons,  dem  vent  so  fasd 

Dot  efen  der  flies  gifed  oud  at  lasd ; 

Der  dusd  vas  dick  und  der  horses  gray, 

Und  Schneider  vas  fifdeen  miles  avay  I 

Der  wery  first  ding  dot  Schneider  saw 

Vas  der  sand,  und  he  heerd  the  ocean  roar, 


THE  DUTCHMAN  AIID  THE  SMALL  BOX.  155 

He  shmelled  der  salt  in  der  goot  olt  preeze 

Dot  vafed  ofer  vere  dere  vasn'd  some  drees, 

Und  ho  feld  firsd-rade  mit  his  mind  ad  ease, 

Und  dem  weary  horses  dem  seemed  to  say — 
"Ve  pringed  you,  Schneider,  all  der  vay 

From  Brooklyn  town  imd  safed  der  visky, 

But  'bon  our  vords  'dwas  radder  risky !" 

Hurrah !  hurrah !  for  Schneider  drue ! 

Hurrah !  hurrah !  for  der  horses  doo ! 

TJnd  ven  der  shdadurs  vas  high  und  dry, 

Led  some  bully  boy  mit  a  grockery  eye 

Gid  ub  on  der  dop  of  a  barrel  und  gry — 
"  Dese  is  der  horses  dot  safed  der  day 

By  carting  der  visky  und  Schneider  gay 

From  Brooklyn — dwendy  nules  avay !" 


THE  DUTCHMAN  "WHO   G-AVE  MRS. 
SCUDDER  THE  SMALL-POX. 

DUTCH  DIA1.KCT  BECITATION. 

Some  years  ago,  a  droll  sort  of  a  Dutchman  was  the 
driver  of  a  stage  in  New  Jersey,  and  he  passed  daily 
through  the  small  hamlet  of  Jericho.  One  morning,  just 
as  the  vehicle  was  starting  from  Squash  Point,  a  person 
came  up  and  requested  the  driver  to  take  in  a  small  box, 
and  "  leave  it  at  Mrs.  Scudder's,  third  house  on  the  left 
after  you  get  into  Jericho." 

"  Yaas,  oh  yaas,  Mr.  Ellis,  I  knows  der  haus,"  said  the 
driver,  "  I  pleeve  der  voman  dakes  in  vashin',  vor  I  always 
sees  her  mit  her  clothes  hung  out." 

"  You're  right,  that's  the  place,"  said  Elhs  (for  that  was 
the  man's  name),  "  she  washes  for  one  of  the  steamboats." 

The  box  was  thereupon  duly  deposited  in  the  front  boot, 
the  driver  took  his  levenpenny  bit  for  carrjing  it,  and  the 
stage  started  on  its  winding  way.  In  an  hour  cr  Vk  o,  the 
four  or  five  houses  comprising  the  village  of  Jericho  hove 
in  sight.    In  front  of  one  of  them,  near  the  door,  a  tall 


156     THE  DUTCHMAN  AND  THE  SMALL  BOX. 

muscular  woman  was  engaged  at  a  wash-tub,  while  lines 
of  white  hnen,  fluttering  in  the  wind,  ornamented  the  ad- 
joining lawn.  The  stage  stopped  at  the  gate,  when  the 
following  ludicrous  dialogue  and  attendant  circumstances 
took  place : 

Driver — Is  dis  Miss  Scutter's  haus? 

Woman  [looking  up,  without  stopping  her  work] — ^Yes, 
I'm  Mrs.  Scudder. 

Driver — I'fe  got  der  small  pox  in  der  stage;  vill  you 
come  out  and  dake  it  ? 

Woman  [suddenly  throwing  down  the  garment  she  was 
washing] — Got  the  small-pox !  mercy  on  me,  why  do  you 
stop  here,  you  wicked  man  ?  you'd  better  be  off,  quick  as 
you  can.     [Runs  into  the  house.] 

Driver  mutters  to  himself — I  vonder  vat's  der  matter 
mit  der  fool ;  I'fe  goot  mind  to  drow  it  over  der  fence. 

Upon  second  thought,  he  takes  the  box,  gets  ofi"  the 
stage,  and  carries  it  into  the  house.  But  in  an  instant  he 
reappears,  followed  by  a  broom  with  an  enraged  woman 
at  the  end  of  it,  who  is  shouting  in  a  loud  voice : 

"  You  git  out  of  this !  clear  yomself  quicker ! — you've  no 
business  to  come  here  exposing  decent  people  to  the  small- 
pox ;  what  do  you  mean  by  it  ?" 

''  I  dells  you  it's  der  shmall  pox .'"  exclaimed  the  Dutch- 
man, emphasising  the  word  box  as  plainly  as  he  could. 
"  Ton't  you  versteh  ? — der  shmall  pox  dat  Misther  Ellis 
sends  to  you." 

But  Mrs.  Scudder  was  too  much  excited  to  comprehend 
this  exx)lanation,  even  if  she  had  hstened  to  it.  Having  it 
fixed  in  her  mind  that  there  was  a  case  of  small-pox  on 
the  stage,  and  that  the  driver  was  asking  her  to  take  into 
the  house  a  passenger  thus  afflicted,  her  indignation  knew 
no  bounds.  "  Clear  out !"  exclaimed  she,  excitedly,  "111 
caU  the  men  folks  if  you  don't  clear !"  and  then  shouting 
at  the  top  of  her  voice,  ''  Ike  !  you  Ike !  where  are  you  ?" 
Ike  soon  made  his  appearance,  and  inquired : 


DIAMONDTS  OX  DEB  PBAIN.  157 

"  "W- what's  the  matter,  mother  ?" 

The  driver  answered :  "I  dells  you  now  onct  more,  for 
der  last  time,  I'fe  got  der  shmall  pox,  and  Misther  Elhs 
he  dells  me  to  gif  it  to  Miss  Scutter,  and  if  dat  vrow  ish 
Miss  Scutter,  vy  she  no  dake  der  pox  ?" 

By  this  time  several  of  the  passengers  had  got  off  the 
stage  to  see  the  fun,  and  one  of  them  explained  to  Mrs. 
Scudder  that  it  was  a  box,  and  not  small-pox,  that  the 
driver  wished  to  leave  with  her. 

The  woman  had  become  so  thoroughly  frightened  that 
she  was  still  incredulous,  imtil  a  bright  idea  struck  Ike. 

"  Oh,  mother !"  exclaimed  he,  "  I  know  what  'tis — it's 
Madame  EUis's  box  of  laces,  sent  to  be  done  up." 

With  this  explanation  the  aflFair  was  soon  settled,  and 
Mistress  Scudder  received  the  Dutchman's  "  shmall  pox  " 
amidst  the  laughter  and  shouts  of  the  occupants  of  the 
old  stage  coach.  The  driver  joined  in,  although  he  had 
not  the  least  idea  of  what  they  were  laughing  at,  and  as 
the  vehicle  rolled  away,  he  added  not  a  little  to  the  mirth 
by  saying,  in  a  trimnphant  tone  of  voice,  "  I  vas  pound 
ter  gif  der  old  vomans  der  shmall  pox,  vether  she  vould 
dake  it  or  not !" 


TIAMONDTS  ON  DER  PRAIN. 

DUTCH  DIALECT. 

Hans  Schoppeumeier  geebs  a  millinery  shtore  py  Shtate 
shtreet  out,  und  vas  hereditary  on  der  st)opjcct  of  dhem 
tiamondts.  Ofer  a  mans  comes  on  his  hause  mit  shooelry 
of  efery  kindts,  Hans  vas  got  some  aflScktions  about  him. ' 
Von  tay  dhere  comes  py  his  pblace  von  Mister  Shmid. 
Now,  dot  shendlemans  vears  py  his  bosom  a  tiamondt  bin, 
und  von  of  der  buUiest  kindt.  Hans  shpeaks  mit  him  und 
says:  "Veil,  Mister  Shmid,  how  you  vas  ?  Dot  ish  a  nice 
tay  pehindt  noon,  Mister  Shmid."  ''Yah,  Hans;  id  vas 
shure  a  goot  tay."    "You  dond  vas  pooty  good-lookin 


158  THE  COURTIN'. 

to-day,  Mister  Shmid.  Tou  got  some  mellongholly. 
Aind  it?  Vat  ish  ter  tifflculdy?"  "VeU,  Hans,  dot  ish 
recht.  I  have  some  mellongholly  py  me.  No  longer  as 
von  veek  ago,  mine  sister  she  vas  dook  sick  und  died,  mid 
now  I  got  some  sad  indelligence  dot  mine  mudder  she  vas 
on  her  death-ped."  "Ish  dot  so,  Mister  Shmid?  Veil,  I 
dhruly  sympadises  mit  you.  Some  dime  ago  mine  brodder 
vas  gone  died,  und  I  feel  fery  pad  now.  I  yoost  got  some 
indelligences,  too,  dot  mine  leedle  cousin  vas  been  dooktn 
sick,  und  vood  die.  I  lofes  dot  leedle  cousin,  und  dot 
cousin  lofes  me ;  und  efery  time  vhen  I  goes  me  of  her 
hause,  vhen  der  nite  he  vas  comes,  she  says  of  me :  '  Goot 
nacht,  cousin  Hans,'  und  dhen  goes  on  der  fhloor  py  her 
petside,  und,  mit  her  leedle  hands  togedder,  she  brays  to 
der  Great  Got  Almighdy — Ish  dot  a  tiamondt  you  veax  on 
your  bosom.  Mister  Shmid  ?" 


THE   COURTIN'. 

A  'YAKKEE  EECITATION. — BT  JAMES  EUSSELL  LOWELL. 

God  makes  sech  nights,  all  white  an'  still 
Fur'z  you  can  look  and  Hsten, 

Moonshine  an'  snow  on  field  an'  hill, 
AU  silence  an'  aU  glisten. 

Zekle  crep'  up  quite  unbeknown 
An'  peeked  in  thru  the  winder. 

An'  there  sot  Huldy  aE  alone, 
'Ith  no  one  nigh  to  hender. 

A  fireplace  filled  the  room's  one  side, 
"With  half  a  cord  o'  wood  in — 

There  wam't  no  stoves  (tell  comfort  died) 
To  bake  ye  to  a  puddin'. 

The  wa'nut  logs  shot  sparkles  out 
Towards  the  pootiest,  bless  her, 

An'  leetle  flai»es  danced  all  about 
The  chiny  on  the  dresser. 


THE  courtin'.  159 

The  very  room,  coz  she  was  m, 

Seemed  -warm  from  floor  to  ceilin', 
An'  she  looked  full  ez  rosy  ag'in 

As  the  apple  she  was  peelin'. 

Twas  Mn'  o'  "kingdom  come"  to  look 

On  such  a  blessed  cretur', 
A  dog-rose  blushin'  to  a  brook 

Ain't  modester  nor  sweeter.  ^^ 

He  was  six  foot  o'  man,  A  1, 

Glean  grit  an'  human  natur, 
None  couldn't  quicker  pitch  a  ton, 

Nor  dror  a  fctrrer  straighter. 

He'd  sparked  it  with  full  twenty  gals, 
He'd  squired  'em,  danced  'em,  druv  'em. 

Fust  this  one,  and  then  thet,  by  spells — 
All  is,  he  couldn't  love  'em. 

But  long  o'  her,  his  veins  'ould  run 

All  crinkly,  like  curled  maple. 
The  side  she  breshed  felt  full  o'  sun 

Ez  a  south  slope  in  Ap'il. 

She  thought  no  v'ice  had  sech  a  swing 

As  hisn  in  the  choir ; 
My !  when  ho  made  "  Ole  Hundred  "  ring. 

She  knotced  the  Lord  was  nigher. 

An'  she'd  blush  scarlit,  right  in  prayer, 

"WTien  her  new  mectin'  bunnet 
Felt,  somehow,  thru  its  crown,  a  pair 

0'  blue  eyes  sot  upon  it. 

Thet  night,  I  tell  ye,  she  looked  sovie  I 

She  seemed  to've  gut  a  new  sovd, 
For  she  felt  sartm-suro  he'd  come, 

Down  to  her  very  shoe-sole. 

She  heard  a  foot,  an'  knowed  it,  tu, 

A-raspin'  on  the  scraper — 
All  ways  to  once  her  feelin's  flew, 

like  sparks  in  bumt-up  paper. 


160  THE  COTJBTIN'. 

He  kin'  o'  loitered  on  the  mat. 
Some  doubtfle  o'  the  sekle. 

His  heart  kep'  goin'  pity-pat, 
But  hem  went  "  pity-Zekle." 

An'  y\t,  she  gin  her  cheer  a  jerk, 
As  though  she  wished  him  furder. 

An'  on  her  apples  kep'  to  work, 
Parin'  away  like  murder. 

"  Tou  want  to  see  my  Pa,  T  s'pose  f " 
"  "Wall — ^no — I  come  designin' " — 
"  To  see  my  Ma  ?    She's  sprinklin'  clo'ea. 
Agin  to-morrer's  i'nin." 

To  say  why  gals  acts  so  or  so, 
Or  don't,  would  be  presumin' ; 

Mebby  to  mean  yes,  and  say  no, 
Comes  nateral  to  woman. 

He  stood  a  spell  on  one  foot  fust, 
And  then  stood  a  spell  on  t'other, 

An'  on  which  one  he  felt  the  wust. 
He  couldn't  ha'  told  ye,  nuther. 

Says  he,  "  I'd  better  caU  ag'in." 
Says  she,  "  Think  likely,  Mister." 

That  last  word  pricked  him  like  a  pin. 
An' — wal,  he  up  an'  kissed  her. 

When  Ma,  bimeby,  upon  'em  slips, 

Huldy  sot,  pale  as  ashes. 
All  kin'  o'  smily  roun'  the  lips. 

An'  teary  roun'  the  lashes. 

For  she  was  just  the  quiet  kind. 
Whose  natur's  never  vary, 

Like  streams  thet  keep  a  summer  mind 
Snow-hid  in  Jenooary. 

The  blood  clost  roun'  her  heart  felt  glued 
Too  tight  for  all  expressin', 

TiU  mother  see  how  matters  stood, 
An'  gin  'em  both  her  blessiu'. 


A  DUTCHMAN'S  TESTIMONT.  161 

Then  her  red  come  back  like  the  tide 

Down  to  the  Bay  o'  Fundy, 
An'  all  I  know  is,  they  were  cried 

In  meetin',  come  nex'  Sunday. 


A  DUTCHMAN'S  TESTIMONY  IN  A 
STEAMBOAT  CASE. 

HUM0B0T7S  DTTTOa  DIAUCOT  BECITATIOK. 

Several  years  ago,  the  steamboat  Buckeye  blew  up  on 
the  Ohio  river  near  Pittsburg,  by  which  accident  a  lady 
rejoicing  in  the  name  of  Mrs.  Rebecca  Jones  lost  both 
her  husband  and  her  baggage.  In  due  time  she  brought 
a  suit  against  the  owners  of  the  boat  for  damages  for  the 
death  of  her  husband,  as  well  as  compensation  for  the  loss 
of  her  clothing.  On  trial,  the  defence  denied  everything. 
It  was  alleged  that  neither  Jones  or  his  wife  was  aboard 
the  Buckeye,  and  therefore  he  could  not  have  been  killed 
or  any  clothing  lost.  The  Jones  family  being  strangers 
in  Pittsburg,  where  they  went  on  board  the  boat,  it  was 
difficult  to  find  any  witnesses  to  prove  that  the  missing 
man  was  actually  on  board,  or  that  he  was  killed.  Finally 
Mrs.  Jones  remembered  that  a  Dutchman  who  took  their 
trunk  from  the  hotel  at  Pittsburg  was  a  deck  passenger, 
and  he  was  soon  found  and  subpoenaed  as  a  witness.  His 
name  was  Deitzman,  and  being  called  to  the  stand  he  was 
questioned  as  follows : 

Counsel  for  Mrs.  Jones — Mr.  Deitzman,  did  you  know 
the  steamboat  Buckeyg  f 

Witness — Yaw,  I  vas  plow  up  mit  her. 

Counsel — Was  you  on  board  when  the  boiler  collapsed  ? 

Witness — Yaas,  I  vas  on  de  poat  ven  de  piler  bust. 

Counsel — Did  you  know  Mr.  Jones,  the  husband  of  this 
lady  ?  [pointing  to  plaintiff.] 

Witness — To  pe  diure  I  know  him  :    I  pring  his  trunk 


162  EBENEZEE  ON  A  BUST. 

on  de  poat  at  Bittsburg,  and  ve  paid  our  passage  togedder 
at  der  captain's  office. 

Counsel — Well,  did  he  stay  aboard:  did  you  see  him 
on  the  boat  at  the  time  of  the  explosion  ? 

Witness — ^Nix :  I  didn't  see  Mr.  Shones  on  der  boat  at 
dat  time. 

Counsel  for  Defence  [eagerly] — So,  he  wasn't  on  the 
Buckeye  when  the  boiler  exploded,  that  you  know  of? 

Witness — I  didn't  say  dat. 

Counsel  [with  a  triumphant  glance  at  the  jury] — ^What 
did  you  say  then?  when  did  you  last  see  Jones  ? 

Witness — ^VeU,  I  shtood  by  der  shmoke  bipe  ven  der 
piler  pust,  and  I  didn't  see  Mr.  Shones  den ;  but  ven  me 
and  der  shmoke  bipe  vas  goin'  up  in  de  air,  I  see  Shones 
coming  down !    Dat's  der  last  time  I  see  him." 

This  testimony  being  thought  conclusive,  the  jury  gave 
Mrs.  Jones  a  verdict  for  five  thousand  dollars. 


EBENEZER  ON  A  BUST. 

A  YANKEE  6TOBY, 

"  Massy  saiks  alive,  Eb's  hum  agin !"  says  Cousin  SaUy, 
running  into  the  kitchen  to  Mann  Green,  who,  up  to  her 
elbows  in  the  dough,  "  dropt  all "  and  came  out  to  see  her 
hopeful  son  stalk  into  the  porch  as  big  as  all  out-doors. 

"  Wher'  on  airth,  Eb,  hev  yeou  been !"  says  the  old 
lady. 

"  Where  hev  I  been  ?    Why,  daown't  Bosting." 

"  Massy  saiks,  Eb,  what  on  airth  did  yeou  dew — ^had 
yeou  a  good  time,  Ebenezer  ?" 

"  Good  time  !  Oh-o-ugh,  persimmons !  hadn't  I  a  time ! 
Cute  time,  by  goUy ;  a-a-and  marm,  I  made  the  money  fly 
— did,  by  goUy !" 

"  Why,  haow  yeou  talk,  Eb !"  says  Marm  Green,  "  I 
hope,  son  Ebenezer,  yeou  didn't  break  any  of  the  Com- 
mandments, or  nuthin'  ?" 


FAJTS  BKEITMANN  AlTD  THE  TURNERS.  163 

"  Break  the  Commandments  ?  Wa-a-all,  nco,  didn't 
break  nothin'.  Everlastin'  salvation,  marm,  yeou  don't 
s'pose  a  feller's  goin*  deown  tew  Bosting  and  not  cut  a 
shine  nor  nothin'.  Yeou  see,  marm,  I  went  inteu  a  shaw'p 
to  get  a  drink  of  that  ahnighty  good  stuff,  spreuce  beer, 
and — a-and  two  gals,  sleek  critters,  axed  me  tow  treat !" 

"  Land  saiks  alive ! — yeou  didn't  do  it,  though,  Eh  ?" 

"  Wa-all,  I  did  though,  naow !  I  was  aout  on  a  time, 
marm,  and  I  didn't  care  a  dam  wether  school  kept  or  not, 
as  the  boy  told  his  boss." 

"  Ebenezer,  donH  you  swear  /" 

"  Hamt  a  gone  to,  marm ;  but  yeou  see,  them  gals  axed 
me  to  treat,  and  I  did,  and  don't  keer  a  dam  who  knows 
it !  Yeou  see  I  paid  fur  ther  two  glasses  of  spreuce  beer 
and  mine,  that  was  fo'pence,  slap  deown;  then  I  bought 
teu  cents  wuth  of  ree-sins  for  'em,  and,  by  Beunker,  I'd 
rather  spent  that  hull  ninepence  than  gone  offsneaJcin'  I" 


HANS  BREITMANN  AND"  THE 
TURNERS. 


CHAS.   O.  JjEUiSD. 


Hans  Breitmajin  choined  de  Toomers, 

Novemper  in  de  fall, 
TJnd  doy  gifed  a  boostin'  bender 

All  in  de  Toomer  Hall. 
Dere  corned  de  whole  Gesangverein, 

Mit  der  LiederUch  Aepfel  Chor, 
TJnd  day  blowed  on  de  drooms  und  stroomed  on  de  fifes, 

Till  dey  co;ildn't  refife  no  more. 

Hans  Breitmann  choined  de  Toomers, 

Dey  an  set  oop  some  shouts, 
Dey  took'd  him  into  deir  Toomer  Hall, 

Und  poots  him  a  coarse  of  shprouts ; 
Pey  poots  him  on  der  barrell-hell  pars 

Und  shtands  him  oop  on  his  head, 


164  TTATJS  BEEITMANN  AND  THE  TURKERS. 

Und  dey  poomps  de  beer  mit  an  enehine  hose 
In  his  mout'  dill  he's  'pout  half  tead ! 

Hans  Breitmann  choined  de  Toomers — 

Dey  make  shimnastig  dricks. 
He  stoot  on  de  middle  of  de  floor, 

Und  put  oop  a  fifdy-six ; 
Und  den  he  trows  it  to  de  roof, 

Und  schwig  off  a  treadful  trink  ; 
De  veight  coom  toomple  back  on  his  headt, 

Und,  py  shinks !  he  didn't  wink ! 
Hans  Breitmann  choiued  de  Toomers : — 

Mein  Gott !  how  dey  drinked  und  shwore ; 
Dere  vas  Schwabians  und  Tyrolers, 

Und  Bavarians  by  de  score. 
Some  vellers  coomed  from  de  Rheinland, 

Und  Frankfort-on-de-Main ; 
Boot  dere  vas  only  von  Sharman  dere, 

Und  he  vas  a  Holstein  Dane. 
Hans  Breitmann  choined  de  Toomers, 

Mit  a  Limpurg*  cheese  he  coom ; 
Ven  he  open  de  box  it  schmell  so  loudt 

It  knock  de  musik  doomb. 
Ven  de  Deutschers  kit  de  flavor. 

It  coorl  de  haar  on  dere  head ; 
Boot  dere  vas  dwo  Amerigans  dere, 

Und,  py  tam !  it  kilt  dem  dead ! 
Hans  Breitmann  choiued  de  Toomers, 

De  ladies  coomed  iu  to  see ; 
Dey  poot  dem  in  de  blace  for  de  gals, 

AU  in  der  gal-lerie. 
Dey  ashk,  "  Vhere  ish  der  Breitmann  V 

And  dey  dremple  mit  awe  and  fear 
Yen  dey  see  him  schwingen  py  de  toes 

A-trinken  lager  bier. 
Hans  Breitmann  choined  de  Toomers : — 

I  dells  you  vot,  py  tam ! 
Dey  stags  de  great  UrbummeUied, 

De  holy  Sharman  psalm. 


StJT  LOVINGOOD'S  SHTRT.  165 

TTnd  ven  dey  kits  to  de  gorus 

You  ought  to  hear  dem  tramp  I 
It  scared  der  Teufel  down  below 

To  hear  de  Dootchmen  stamp. 

Hans  Breitmann  choined  de  Toomers  :— 

By  donner !  it  vas  grand 
Vhcn  do  "whole  of  dem  goes  a-valkin' 

Und  dancin'  on  dere  hand, 
Mit  de  vect  all  wavin  in  de  air — 

Gotts  tausend !  vot  a  dricks ! 
Dill  der  Breitmann  fall  und  dey  all  go  down 

Shoost  like  a  row  of  bricks.  "" 

Hans  Breitmann  choined  do  Toomera, 

Dey  lay  dere  in  a  heap, 
And  slept  dill  de  early  sonnen  shine 

Come  in  at  de  window  creep ; 
And  de  preeze  it  vake  dem  irom  deir  dream, 

And  dey  go  to  kit  deir  feed : 
Here  hat  dis  song  an  ende — 

Das  ist  des  Breitmanns  Lied. 


SUT  LOVINGOOD'S  SHIRT. 

SOUTHWESTERN  DIALECT. — FROM  SUT  IiOVINGOOD'8  TARNS. 

I  met  Sut  one  morning,  weaving  along  in  his  usual  ram- 
bling, uncertain  gait.  His  appearance  satisfied  me  at  once 
that  something  was  wrong.  He  had  been  sick — whipped 
in  a  free  fight,  or  was  just  getting  on  his  legs  again,  from 
a  "  big  drunk." 

But  upon  this  point  I  was  soon  enlightened. 

"  Why,  Sut,  what's  wrong  now  ?  you  look  sick." 

"Heaps  wrong,  dum  my  skin — no,  my  haslets — cf  I 
haint  mos'  ded,  an'  my  looks  don't  lie  when  they  hints  that 
I'se  sick.    I  is  sick — I'se  skin'd." 

"  Who  skinned  you— old  Bvdlen  I" 


166  SUT  LOVTNGOOD'S  SHTET. 

"  No,  hoss,  a  dumder  fool  nor  Bullen  did  hit;  I  jis  sMn'd 
myself." 

"  What  in  the  name  of  common  sense  did  you  do  it  for  ?" 

"Didn't  du  hit  in  the  name  ove  common  sense;  did 
hit  in  the  name,  an'  wif  the  spent,  ove  plum  natral-bom 
dum  fool. 

"  Lite  ofen  that  ar  hoss,  an'  take  a  ho'n ;  I  wants  two 
ove  'em  (shaking  his  constant  companion,  a  whisky  flask, 
at  me),  an'  plant  yerself  ontu  that  ar  log,  an'  I'll  tell,  ef  I 
kin,  but  hit's  a'mos  beyant  tellin'. 

"  I'se  a  dumder  fool  nor  enybody  outside  a  Assalum  ur 
Kongriss,  'sceptln  ove  my  own  dad,  fur  he  actid  hoss,  an' 
I  haint  tried  that  yet.  I'se  aUers  intu  sum  trap  what 
wudn't  ketch  a  saidge-field  sheep.  I'll  drownd  myself 
sum  day,  jes  see  ef  I  don't.  I  spects  that  wud  stop  the 
famerly  dispersition  to  act  dum  fool,  so  fiu"  es  Sut's  con- 
sam'd." 

"  Well,  how  is  it,  Sut ;  have  you  been  beat  playing  cards 
or  drinkiag  ?" 

"  Nara  wun,  by  geminy !  them  jobs  can't  be  did  in  these 
yere  parts,  es  enybody  no's  on ;  but  seein  hits  yu,  I'U  tell 
hit.  I'se  sick-sham'd-sorry-sore-an'-mad  tu  kiU,  I  is.  Yu 
no  I  boards  wif  BiU  Carr,  at  his  cabin  ontu  the  mountain, 
an'  pays  fur  sich  es  I  gits  when  I  hes  munny,  an'  when  I 
hesent  eny,  why  he  takes  wun  third  outer  me  in  holesum 
hot  cussin ;  an'  she,  that's  his  wife  Betts,  takes  tuther 
three  thirds  out  wif  the  battlin  stick,  an'  the  intrus'  wif 
her  sharp  tongue,  an'  she  takes  more  intrus'  nor  principal. 
She's  the  cussedes'  'oman  I  ever  seed  eny  how,  fur  jaw, 
breedin,  an'  pride.  She  kin  scold  a  bhster  rite  plum  ontu 
a  bull's  curl  in  two  minits.  She  outbreeds  enything  frum 
thar  tu  the  river — takin  in  the  minks — an'  patterps  arter 
aU  new  fangl'd  fashmis  she  hears  teU  on,  frum  bussils  tu 
britches.  Oh !  she's  wun  ove  em,  an'  sumtimes  she's  two 
or  three,  she  is. 

"  Well,  yu  see  I'd  got  hole  on  sum  homade  cottin  cloff. 


8ITT  lovtngood's  shiet.  167 

fur  a  shirt,  an'  coax'd  Betts  tu  make  hit ;  an'  bout  the  time 
hit  wer  dun,  yere  cuiji  a  cussed  stuck-up  lavryer,  name 
Jonsin,  an'  ax'd  fur  brekfiis' — rite  yere  I  wishes  the  bread 
had  been  asnick,  an'  the  meat  strikenine,  an'  that  he'd 
a  staid  an'  tuck  dinner  too,  fur  he  hes  ni  ontu  fotch  about 
my  aind,  dum  his  sashararer  mijtimurs  ole  soul  tu  thimder  I 

"  I  wonder  hit  didn't  work  'im  pow'fiil  es  hit  wer ;  fur 
Betts  coolis  up  sum  tarifyiamixtry^  ove  vittils,  when  she 
tries  hersef.  I'se  pizen  proof  my  sef ;  far  thuty  dullars,  I'd 
jis  let  a  sluice  ove  aquafotis  nm  thru  me  fur  ha'f  a  day,  an' 
then  Uve  tu  spen'  the  las'  dum  cent  fur  chumbrain  whis- 
ky;  ef  I  wamt  (holding  up  his  flask  and  peeping  through 
it),  I'd  dun  been  ded  long  ago. 

"Well,  while  he  wer  eatin,  she  spied  out  that  his  shut 
wer  mons'ous  stiff,  an'  es  slick  es  glass;  so  she  never 
rested  ontill  she  wurmed  hit  outen  Im  that  hit  wer  dun 
wif  a  flour  preparashun.  She  went  wif  'im  a  piece  ove 
the  way  down  the  mountin,  tu  get  the  particulers,  an' 
when  she  cum  back  she  said  she  had  em.  I  thot  she  had 
myse'f. 

"  She  imejuntly  sot  in,  an'  biled  a  big  pot  ove  paste,  ni 
ontu  a  peck  ove  hit,  an'  tole  me  I  wer  gwine  tu  hev  'the 
gonest  purty  shut  in  that  range.'  Well,  she  wer  sorter 
rite,  fur  when  I  las  seed  hit  hit  wer  '  purty — yas,  orfiil 
purty,  tu  a  rat,  ur  a  buzzard,  ur  eny  uther  varmint  fon' 
ove  dirty,  skary  lookin  things ;  but  frum  the  time  I  staid 
inside  ove  hit,  I  can't  say  that  es  a  human  shut  I'd  gin  a 
dum  fur  a  dozin  ove  em.  '  Gonest  purty  shut !' — the 
cussed  ole  hen  jay  bird,  I  jis'  wish  she  hed  tu  war  it  wif  a 
redpepper  linin'  on  till  she  gits  a-pas'  hatchin',  an'  that  wud 
be  ni  ontu  eleving  year,  ef  she  tcils  the  tmff. 

"She  soused  my  shut  intu  the  pot,  an'  soaked  hit  thar 
ontil  hit  tuck  up  mos'  ove  the  paste ;  then  she  tuck  hit 
an'  iron'd  hit  out  flat  an'  dry,  an'  sot  hit  on  hits  aidge 
agin  the  cabin  in  the  sun.  Thar  hit  stood,  Uke  a  dry 
boss  hide,  an'  hit  rattiled  like  ontu  a  sheet  ove  iron,  hit 


168  SUT  LOVINGOOD'S  SHIBT. 

did,  pasted  tugether  all  over — '  gonest  purty  shut !' — dum'd 
huzzy !  4 

"  When  I  cum  tu  dmncr,  nuffin  wud  du  Betts,  but  I 
mus'  put  myse'f  inside  hit  rite  thar.  She  partid  the  tails 
a  littil  piece  wif  a  case  nife,  an'  arter  I  got  my  hed  started 
up  intu  hit,  she'd  pull  down  fus'  at  wun  tail,  an'  then 
tuther,  ontil  I  wer  farly  inside  ove  hit,  an'  hutton'd  in. 
Durn  the  everlastin,  infanel,  new  fangled  sheet  u'on  cuss 
ove  a  shut,  I  say !  I  felt  like  I'd  crowded  intu  a  ole  bee- 
gum,  an'  hit  all  full  ove  pissants,  but  hit  wer  a  'bom'd 
twin  ove  Lawyer  Jonsin's,'  Betts  sed,  an'  I  felt  like 
standin  es  much  pussonal  discumfurt  es  he  cud,  jis  tu  git 
tu  sampil  arter  sumbody  human.  I  didn't  know,  tu,  but 
what  hit  hed  the  vartu  ove  makin  a  lawyer  outen  me  agin 
hit  got  limber. 

"  I  sot  iu  tubDdin  ove  a  ash-hopper  fur  Betts,  an'  work'd 
pow'fiil  hard,  sweat  like  a  boss,  an'  then  the  shut  quit  hits 
hmtin,  an'  tuck  tu  feelin  shppery.  Thinks  I,  that's  sorter 
lawyer-hke  enyhow,  an'  I  wer  hope  up  bout  the  shut,  an' 
what  mout  cmn  outen  hit. 

"Arter  I  got  dun  work,  I  tuck  me  a  four-finger  dost 
ove  bumble-bee  whisky,  went  up  intu  the  lof ,  an'  fell 
asleep  a-thinkin  bout  bein  a  rale  sashararer  lawyer,  boss, 
saddil  bags  an'  books ;  an'  Betts  went  over  the  top  tu  see 
her  mam. 

"  "Well,  arter  a  while  I  waked  up ;  I'd  jis'  been  dreamin 
that  the  judge  ove  the  supreme  cort  had  me  sowed  up  iu 
a  raw  hide,  an'  sot  up  agin  a  hot  pottery  kill  tu  dry,  an' 
the  dryin  woke  me. 

"  I  now-  thort  I  wer  ded,  an'  hed  died  ove  rhumaticks 
ove  the  hurtines'  kind.  All  the  jints  I  cud  muve  wer  my 
ankils,  knees,  an'  wrists ;  cudn't  even  move  my  hed,  an' 
scarsely  wink  my  eyes;  the  cussed  shut  wer  pasted  fas' 
ontu  me  all  over,  frum  the  ainds  ove  the  tails  tu  the  pints 
ove  the  broad-axe  collar  over  my  years.  Hit  sot  tu  me  es 
clost  es  a  poor  cow  dus  tu  her  hide  in  March.    I  worm'd 


StIT  LOVINGOOD'S  SHIRT.  169 

an'  strain'd,  an'  cuss'd  an'  grunt'd,  till  I  got  hit  sorter 
broke  at  the  shoulders  an'  elbows,  an'  then  I  dun  the 
durndes'  fool  thing  ever  did  in  those  yere  mountins.  I 
shufll'd  an'  tore  my  britches  off,  an'  skin'd  loose  frum  my 
hide  bout  two  inches  ove  the  tail  all  roun  in  orfiil  pain,  an' 
quick-stingin  trebulashun.  Oh!  great  golly  grampus, 
how  it  hurt !  Then  I  tuck  up  a  plank  outen  the  lof,  an' 
hung  my  laigs  down  thru  the  hole,  sot  in,  an'  nail'd  the 
aidge  ove  the  frunt  tail  tu  the  floor  afore  me,  an'  the  hine 
tail  I  nail'd  tu  the  plank  what  I  sot  on.  I  flung  the  ham- 
mer outen  my  reach,  tu  keep  my  hart  frum  failin  me,  on- 
button'd  the  collar  an'  i-isbans,  raised  my  bans  way  abuv 
my  hed,  shot  up  my  eyes,  sed  a  short  grace,  an'  jump'd 
thru  to  the  groun'  floor,  jis  thuteen  foot  wun  inch  clear 
ove  jists." 

Here  Sut  remarked,  sadly  shaking  his  head,  "  George, 
I'se  a  dumder  fool  nor  dad,  boss,  ho'nets,  an  gopher. 
I'll  hev  tu  drown'd  mysef  sum  ove  these  days,  see  ef  I 
don't." 

"Well,  go  on,  Sut ;  did  the  shirt  come  off?" 

"  I— t-h-i-n-k— h-i-t d-i-d. 

''  I  beam  a  n'ise  like  tarin  a  shingle  ruff  ofen  a  hous'  at 
wun  rake,  an'  felt  like  my  bones  wcr  all  what  lef  the  shut, 
an'  rcach'd  the  floor.  I  stagger'd  tu  my  feet,  an'  tuck  a 
moanful  look  up  at  my  shut.  The  nails  hed  hilt  tbar  holt, 
an'  so  bed  the  tail  hem ;  tbar  hit  wer  hangin,  arms  down, 
Inside  out,  an'  jis  es  stiff  es  ever.  Hit  look'd  like  a  map 
ove  Mexico,  arter  one  ove  the  wurst  battils.  A  patch  ove 
my  skin  'bout  the  size  ove  a  dullar,  \xr  a  dullar  an'  a  'alf 
bill  yere,  a  bunch  ove  har  bout  like  a  bird's  nes'  tbar,  then 
sum  more  skin,  then  sum  paste,  then  a  littil  more  har, 
then  a  heap  ove  skin — ^har  an'  skin  straight  along  all  over 
that  newfangl'd,  everlastiu',  infunel  pasted  cuss  ove  a 
durn'd  shut !    Hit  wer  a  picter  tu  look  at,  an'  so  wer  I. 

"  The  hide,  bar,  an'  paste  wer  about  ekally  devided 
atwix  me  an  hit.    George,  listen  to  me :   hit  looked  ad- 


170  STJT  LOVrtfGOOD'S  SHIKT. 

zactly  like  the  skin  ove  sum  wile  beas',  tore  off  alive,  ur  a  bag 
what  bed  toted  a  laig  ove  fresh  beef  frum  a  shootin  match. 

"  Bill  cmn  homo  wif  Betts,  an  wer  the  fust  inter  the 
cabin.  He  backed  outen  hit  agin,  an'  sez  he,  '  Marcyful 
payrint!  thar's  been  murderin  dun  yere;  hits  been  ole 
Bullen;  he's  skin'd  Sut,  an'  thar's  his  hidehxmg  up  tu  diy.' 
Betts  walked  roun  hit  a  zaminin  hit,  tiU  at  las'  she  venter'd 
clost,  an'  know'd  her  sovdn. 

"  Ses  she, '  Tu  dad  dratted  ole  pot-head,  that's  his  Sun- 
day shut.  He's  bed  a  dreffol  fite  tho'  wif  sumbody ;  didn't 
they  go  fur  his  bar  ofen  V  'An'  rine  in  'bundance,'  sed 
Bill.  '  Yas,  boss,'  sed  Betts  agine,  '  an'  ef  I'd  been  him, 
rd  a  shed  hit;  I  wudnt  a  fit  es  nasty  a  fite  es  that  wer  in 
my  fines'  shut,  wu'd  you.  Bill  V 

"  Now,  George,  Fs  boun  tu  put  up  Jonsin's  meat  fur  'im 
on  site,  wifout  regardin  good  killin  weather;  an'  ef  ever  a 
'oman  flattins  out  a  shut  fur  me  agin,  dum  my  everlastin 
picter  ef  I  don't  flattin  her  out  es  thin  es  a  stepchile's  bread 
an'  butter.    I'll  du  hit  ef  hit  takes  me  a  week. 

"Now,  George,  ef  a  red-heded  'oman  wif  a  reel  foot 
axes  yu  tu  marry  her,  yu  ma^  du  hit;  ef  an  'oman 
wants  yu  tu  kill  her  husbun,  yu  mai/  du  hit;  ef  a  gal 
axes  yu  tu  rob  the  bank,  an'  take  her  tu  Califomy,  yu 
mai/  du  hit;  ef  wun  on  'em  wants  yu  tu  quit  whisky,  yu 
mout  even  du  that.  But  ef  ever  an  'oman,  ole  ur  yung, 
purty  es  a  sunflower  ur  ugly  es  a  skin'd  boss,  offers  yu 
a  shut  aninted  wif  paste  tu  put  on,  jis'  yu  kill  her  in  her 
tracks,  an'  bum  the  cussed  pisnus  shut  rite  thar.  Take 
aho'n?" 


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CONT 

Miss  Maloney  goes  to  the  Dentist. 

Lost  and  Founa.    Pathetic. 

Mygel  Snj'der's  Bartv. 

Magdalena ;  or,  the  Spanish  Duel. 

Jim  Wolfe  and  the  Cats. 

The  ■\\'oolen  Doll.    A  Maniac's  Story. 

The  Charity  Dinner.  A  Character- 
istic Reading. 

Go-Morrow  :  or,  Lot's  "Wife.  Negro 
Conversation  on  Eeligion. 

The  Wind  and  the  Moon.  Recitation. 

Drin'  Words  of  Istiac. 

!ftfaude  ^Muller  in  Dutch. 

Moses  the  Sassy ;  or,  the  Disguised 
Duke.    Burlesque  stylo. 

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CaldwcU  of  Sprinprfield.    A  Story. 

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Bull. 

Tiamondts  on  der  Prain. 

King  Eobert  of  .Sicily.    A  Dream. 

Gloverson  the  Mormon. 

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The  Widow  Bodott's  Letter  to  Elder 
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The  Ciy  of  the  Children. 

The  Dutchman  and  tlie  Small-pox. 

Sculpin.    A  Yankee  Anecdote. 

Eats.    Descriptive  Kccitation. 

An  Introduction.  A  Reader  Intro- 
duces Himself  to  an  Audience. 

A  Dutchman's  Dolly  Varden. 

"  Rock  of  Ages."    A  Bcantifid  Poera. 

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The  Iloniet.  Its  Manners  and  Cus- 
toms. 


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The  Glove  and  the  Lions. 

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Love  in  a  Balloon. 

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Shoo  Flies.    "  Excelsior  "  in  Dutch. 

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Without  the  Children.    Pathetic. 

Signer  BiUsmethi's  Dancing  Acad- 
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Der  Goot  Lookin  Shnow.    Parody. 

The  Celebrated  Jumping  Frog. 

The  Lost  Chord.  A  Memoiy  of  the 
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How  Dennis  Took  the  Pledge. 

The  Fisherman's  Summons.  Pathetic 

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How  Hezekiah  Stole  the  Spoons. 

Paddy's  Dream. 

Victuals  and  Drink. 

How  Jake  Schneider  Wont  Blind. 

Aurclia's  Unfortunate  Yonng  Mjin. 

Mrs.  Brown  on  Modern  Houses. 

Farm  Yard  .Song.    ConntiT  Scene. 

Murphy's  Pork  Barrel  Mvstery. 

The  Prayer  Seeker.     Patfietic  Poem. 

An  Extraordinary  Phenomenon. 

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The    Debater,   Chairman's    Assistant,   and 

Rules  of  Order.  A  manual  for  Instructiou  and  Reference  in 
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HOWARD'S    RECITATIONS. 

Comic,  Serious  and  Pathetic.  Being  a  carefully  selected  collec- 
tion of  fresh  Recitations  in  Prose  and  Poetry,  suitable  for  An- 
niversaries,  Exhibitions,  Social  Gatherings,  and  Evening  Par- 
ties; affording,  also,  an  abundance  of  excellent  material  for 
practice  and  declamation.    Edited  by  Clarence  J.  Howard. 

CONTENTS. 


MiBS  Malonj  on  the  Chinese  Qnes- 
tion. 

Kit  Carson's  Ride.  A  fine  descrip- 
tive poetical  recitation. 

Buck  Fanshaw's  Funeral. 

Knocked  About.     Monologue. 

The   Puzzled    Dutchman.     Dialect 

Shamns  O'Brien.    Popular  recitation 

The  Kaughty  Little  Girl.  Hnmoroas. 

The  Bells  of  Shandon.     Serious  poem. 

No  Sect  in  Heaven.     A  dream. 

Rory  O'More's  Present  to  the  Priest. 

"  Mother's  Fool."     A  Recitation. 

Queen  Elizabeth.    A  comic  oration. 

The  Starling.    A  recitation. 

Lord  Dundreary's  Riddle. 

The  Stuttering  Lass.  Amusing  re- 
cital. 

The  Irish  Traveler.  Humorous  piece. 

The  Remedy  as  Bad  as  the  Disease. 

A  SuWect  for  Dissection. 

The  Heathen  Chinee. 

Mona's  "Waters.    Pathetic  recitation. 

A  Showman  on  the  Woodchuck. 

How  Happy  I'll  Be.  Moral  recitation. 

A  Frenchman's  Account  of  the  Fall. 

Isabel's  Grave.     Pathetic  recitation. 

The  Parson  and  the  Spaniel. 

An  Irishman's  Letter. 

An  Affectionate  Letter.    Irish  style. 

The  Halibut  in  Love. 

The   Merry   Soap-Boiler. 

The  Unbeliever.  A  solemn  recitation 

The  Voices  at  the  Throne. 

Lord  Dundreary  Proposing.  A  very 
comic  recitation. 

The  Fireman.    Descriptive  piece. 

Paul  Rcvere's  Ride. 

Annie  and  Willie's  Prayer.  Pathetic 

A  Frenchman  on  MacDeth. 

The  New  Church  Organ. 

Katrina  Likes  Me  Poody  Veil.  Hu 
morous  Ditty  in  Dutcli  dialect. 

How  t«  Save  a  Thousand  Pounds. 

How  I  Got  Invited  to  Dinner. 

Patient  Joe.     A  serious  recitation. 

Jimmy  Butler  and  the  OwL 


The  Menagerie.    A  wild  beast  show. 
Old  Quizzle. 

The  Infidel  and  Quaker.    Recitation. 
The    Lawyer   and     the    Chimney. 

Sweeper. 
BiU  Mason's  Bride.    A  railroad  yam. 
Judging  by  Appearances. 
The  Death's  Head  ;  or.  Honesty  th« 

best  Policy. 
Betsey  and  I  are  Out. 
Betsey  Destroys  the  Paper. 
Father  Blake's  Collection. 
Blank  Verse  in  Rhyme. 
Roguery  Taught  by  Confession. 
Banty  Tun. 

Antony  and    Cleopatra. 
Deacon  Hezekiah.    Description  of  $ 

Sanctimonious  Hypocrite. 
The  Frenchman  and  the  Landlord. 
The  Family  Quarrel.    A  dialogue  on 

the  Sixteenth  Amendment. 
The  Guess.    Old  English  Recitation. 
The  Atheist  and  Acorn. 
Brother   "Watkins.     Farewell  of  a 

Southern  Minister. 
Hans  in  a  Fis.    A  Dutchman's  dream 

of  Matrimony. 
To-Morrow.    I'octical  recitatioa. 
The  Highgate  Butcher. 
The  Lucky  Call.  The  Lost  Spectacle*. 
Challenging  the  Foreman. 
The  CountiT?  Schoolmaster. 
The  Matrimonial  Bugs  and  the  Trar- 

elers. 
Peter  Sorghum  in  Love.     Yanke4 

story. 
Tim  Tuff.    A  sharp  bargain. 
The  Romance  of  Iv  ick  Van  Stann- 
The  Debating  Society.    Recitation. 
Deacon  Stokes. 

A  Tribute  to  our  Honored  Dead. 
The  Dying  Soldier.    Pathetic  poetry. 
The    Yankee     Fireside.       Yankee 

sketches  of  character. 
The  Suicidal  Cat.    An  affecting  tale. 
The  Son's  "Wish.    A  dying  father's 

bequest. 


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Dick's  Dutch,  French  and  Yankee  Dialect 

Recitations.  An  unsurpassed  Collection  of  Droll  Dutch 
Blunders,  Frenchmen's  Funny  Mistakes,  and  Ludicrous  and 
Extravagant  Yankee  Tarns,  each  Recitation  being  in  its  own 
peculiar  dialect.  To  those  who  make  Dialect  Eccitations  a 
speciality,  this  Collection  will  be  of  particular  service,  as  it  con- 
tains all  the  best  pieces  that  are  incidentally  scattered  through 
a  large  number  of  volumes  of  "  Eecitations  and  Readings,"  be- 
sides several  new  and  excellent  sketches  never  before  published. 

170  pages,  paper  cover. ^ 30  cts. 

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Dick's  Irish  Dialect  Recitations.    A  carefully 

compiled  Collection  of  Rare  Irish  Stories,  Comic,  Poetical  and 
Prose  Recitations,  Humorous  Letters  and  Funny  Recitals,  all 
told  with  the  irresistible  Humor  of  the  Irish  Dialect.  This  Collec- 
tion contains,  in  addition  to  new  and  original  pieces,  all  the  very 
best  Recitations  in  the  Irish  Dialect  that  can  be  gathered  from 
a  whole  library  of  "  Recitation"  books.  It  is  full  of  the  sparkling 
witticisms  and  queer  conceits  of  the  wittiest  nation  on  earth ; 
and,  apart  from  its  special  object,  it  furnishes  a  fiind  of  the 
most  enteitaining  matter  for  perusal  in  leisure  moments. 

170  pages,  paper  cover 30  cts. 

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Worcester's  Letter-Writer  and  Book  of  Busi- 
ness Forms  for  Ladies  and  Gentlemen.  Containing  Accu- 
rate Directions  for  Conducting  Epistolary  Correspondence,  with 
270  Specimen  Letters,  adapted  to  every  Age  and  Situation  in 
Life,  and  to  Business  Pursuits  in  General ;  with  an  Appendix 
comprising  Forms  for  "Wills,  Petitions,  Bills,  Receipts,  Drafts, 
Bills  of  Exchange,  Promissory  Notes,  Executors'  and  Adminis- 
trators' Accounts,  etc.,  etc.  This  work  is  divided  into  two 
parts,  the  portion  applicable  to  Ladies  being  kept  distinct  from 
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BARTON'S  COMIC  RECITATIONS 

AND 

HUMOROUS  DIALOGUES. 

Containing  a  variety  of  Comic  Recitations  in  Prose  and  Poetry, 
AmuHiug  Dialogues,  Burlesque  Scenes,  Eccentric  Orations, 
Humorous  Interludes  and  Laughable  Farces.  Designed  for 
School  Commencements  and  Amateur  Tlieatricals.  Edited  by 
Jerome  Earton. 

CONTENTS. 


The  Stage-Stmok  Hero.    A  Ranting 

Poetical  Recitation. 
Here  She  Goes — and  There  She  Goes. 
Pastor  M'Knock's  Address  against 

the  Sin  of  Tippling. 
Old  Sugar's  Courtship. 
The  Bachelor's  Reasons  for  Taking  a 

"Wife.    A  Poetical  Recitation. 
The  Spanish  Talet  and  the  Waiting 

Maid.    Dialogue  for  1  male  and  1 

female. 
The  Jackdaw  of  Rheims.   Recitation. 
Jonathan  and  the  Englishman. 
Artemus  Ward's    Trip   to   Europe. 

Very  Hninorous  Recitation. 
The  Auctioneer  and  the  Lawyer. 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Skinner. 
The  Bachelor  and  the  Bride. 
The  Drunkard  and  liis  Wife. 
A  Western  Lawyer's  Plea  against 

the  Fact. 
Reading  a  Tragedy.    Declamation. 
Cast-off  Garments.    An  Extract  from 

"  Nothing  to  Wear." 
How  to  Cure  a  Cough. 
The    Soldier's    Return.      Ethiopian 

Dialogue  for  2  males. 
The  Countrymen  and  the  Ass.    An 

excellent  Fable! 
Come  and  Go.    Poetical  Recitation. 
How  they  Pop  the  Question.    Reci- 
tation for  Mimicry. 
The  Clever  Idiot.    Poetical. 
Tlie  Knights;   or,  Both  Right  and 

Both  Wrong.    An  Excellent  Fable. 
How  the  Lawyer  got  a  Patron  Siiint. 
Josh  Billings  on  Laughing. 
The  Night  after  Christmas. 
A   Change    of  System.     A   Parlor 

Comedy  for  i.'  males  and  1  female. 
The  Citizen  and  the  Thieves. 
Boggs's  Dogs.    A  Profitable  Trade. 
The  Smack  in  School. 


The  Tinker  and  the  Miller's  Daughter 

An  Original  Parody.    Recitation. 

The  P'arsons  and  the  Corkscrew. 
Humorous  Recitation. 

The  Old  Gentleman  who  Married  a 
Young  Wife.  Dialogue  for  1  male 
and  I  female. 

The  Stage-Struck  Darkey.  Ethiopian 
Interlude  for  males. 

Goody  Grim  versus  Lapstone.  Dia- 
logue for  4  males. 

The  Woman  of  Mind.    Recitation. 

Nui'sery  Reminiscences. 

A  Martyr  to  Science  :  or,  Wanted— 
A  Confederate.    Farce  for  4  males. 

Lodgings  for  Single  Goutleraen. 

The  Farmer  and  the  Counsellor. 

The  Pugilists.    A  Striking  Tale. 

How  Pat  Saved  his  Bacon.  Charac« 
teristic  Narrative. 

The  Irish  Drummer.  A  Story  of  the 
Lash. 

Mike  Hooter's  Bear  Story.  A  Dia- 
lect Recitation. 

The  Critic.    Humorous  Recitation. 

Mr.  Caudle  Wants  a  Latch-key. 

Humbugging  a  Tourist.  Character 
Dialogue  for  3  males. 

The  Widow's  Victim.  Ethiopian  In- 
terlude for  a  males  and  1  female. 

Josh  BiUings  on  the  Mule. 

The  Tinker  and  the  Glazier. 

Wonderful  Dream.  Negro  Dialogue 
for  2  mules. 

An  Occasional  Address.  For  a  Lady's 
First  Ap|)earance. 

An  Occasional  Prologue.  For  Open- 
ing a  Performance. 

Address  on  Closing  a  Performance. 

A  Prologue  for  a  Performance  by 
Boys. 

An  Epilogue  for  a  School  Perform- 
ance. 


This  is  one  of  the  best  collection  of  Humorous  Pieces  especially  adapted  to 
the  Parlor  Stage  that  has  over  been  published.    16  mo.    180  pages. 

Paper  covers.    Price 30  cts. 

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CHECKERS  AND  CHESS. 

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Harache's  Mannal  of  Chess.    Cont«>inmg  a  description  •f  the 

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triiting  them.  Laws  of  tho  Game,  Relative  "Valne  of  Pieci-s.  Prcliniinvjrr 
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""  READINGS  AND  RECITATIONS. 

Kavanaugh's  Juvenile  Speaker.    For  very  Little   Boyi 

and  trirla.  Ooutainiiig  sluu-t  and  eusily-learued  Spctches  and  Dialoguoa, 
expressly  adapted  tor  ScUuol  Celebratious.  iluv-Duy  l-'estivals  aud  i.tiier 
Cliildren'3  JKnteruiiuinents.  Embracing  oue  huudred  ujid  twenty-tliiee  efieo- 
tire  pieces,  uy  Mrs.  Itusseli  Jiavauaugh.  lllumiuated paper  cuver.  80  Ct8. 
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Dick's  Series  of  Recitations  and  Readings,  Nob.  ItolO. Com- 
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Off-Hand   Speeehts  on  a  Taxiety  of 

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incin. 
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after  rectption  Owuid  be  observed, 


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Comical  Stories.  Gruel  SeUg, 
Bide-SpUtting  Jokes,  Bumorous  Poet- 

n/. 

Quaint    Parodies,     Buriesqwe    Ser- 
inoTis, 


New   Conundrums,  MirUi-Ptovoking 

Spefciies. 
Curious     I'uzzles,     Amusing     Card 

Tricks,  and 
Aatonishing  Feats  o/ Parlor-Moffic. 


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The  Strange   and  Wonderful  Adventures   of  Bachslor 

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The  Laughable  Adventures  of  Messrs.  Brown,  Jonns  end 

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The  Mishaps  and  Adventures  of  Obadiah  Oldbuck.   This 

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Jack  Johnson's  Jokes  for  +he  Jolly.    A  collection  of  Pnnny 

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Howard's  Book  of  Conundrums  and  Eiddles.    Containing 

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Parlor  Tricks  with  Cards.    Containing  explanations  of  all  the 

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diments <)f  15«ok-keoi)ii!g  in  Single  and  Double  Eiitrj,  togctliur  witli  th« 
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How  to  Learn  the  Sense  of  3,000  French  Words  in  one 

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100  Tricks  With  Cards  ExroP^d  and  Explained.    By  J.  H. 

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I\dl  Explanations  of  tin  Rudiments, 
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of  every  dance,  and  the  amount  of  music  required  for  each.  Illustrated 
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The  Biblical  Beason  Why.    A  Hand-Book  foi 

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EXAMPLE. 


Wh)/  aui  the  firm  patriarchs  attain 
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Why  wan  the  term  oj  kff  qftenoards 
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Why  ii  tht  wok  OJ  th  ivopueiifs  0} 
Isaiah  a  strowj  proof  of  the  authen- 
ticity of  the  ivholc  Bible  i 

Why  did  our  Saviour  receive  the  nama 
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Jesus  i 


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4 


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"Trumps," 2  00 

The  Art  and  Etiquette  of  Making  Love 60 

How  to  Amuse  an  Evening  Party 30 

Frost's  Etiquette  of  American  Society 50 

Frost's  Original  Letter- Writer 50 

North's  Book  of  Love-Letters 60 

How  to  Shine  in  Society •• 26 

Dick's  Recitations  and  Readings 30 

Frost's  Humorous  Dialogues 30 

The  Banjo,  and  How  to  Play  It 50 

Day's  Bookkeeping  without  a  Master 50 

Thimm's  French  Self-Taught 25 

Thimm's  German  Self-Taught ■■  26 

Thimm's  Spanish  Self-Taught 25 

How  to  Learn  the  Sense  of  3,000  French  Words  in  One  Hour-  ■26 

How  to  Speak  in  Public 25 

Jack  Johnson's  Jokes  for  the  Jolly 26 

The  Tramp  and  his  Tricks 25 

The  Modern  Hoyle's  Games •• 50 

How  Gamblers  Win •\ 50 

Kavanaugh's  Humorous  Dramas  for  Private  Theatricals 50 

100  Gamblers'  Tricks  with  Cards 30 

Uncle  Josh's  Trunk-full  of  Fun-  -  •  - 15 

Spayth's  American  Draught-Player 3  00 

Marasche's  Manual  of  Chess 50 

The  Amateur  Trapper  and  Trapmaker's  Guide — : 50 

How  to  Write  a  Composition 50 

The  Young  Debater  and  Chairman's  Assistant 50 

The  Young  Reporter ;  or,  How  to  Write  Short-Hand 50 

"Look  to  the  East,"  Masonic,  (Webb  Work) 2  00 

The  Yankee  Cook-Book 50 

How  to  Mix  all  Kinds  of  Fancy  Drinks 50 

Parlor  Tricks  with  Cards,  70  Engravings 30 

Book  of  500  Puzzles 30 

Book  of  Fireside  Games 30 

How  to  Conduct  a  Debate 50 

Howard's  Book  of  1  000  Conundrums 30 

The  Parlor  Magician,  121  Engravings 30 

Lander's  Exposure  of  Odd-Fellowship 25 

Fontaine's  Dream-Book  and  Fortune-Teiler 40 

Day'  8  Ready-Reckoner • 5Clf 

Book  of  R'ddles,  and  500  Amusements 30 

How  to  Make  and  Keep  a  Vegetable  Garden 50 

Boxing  Made  Easy 15 

Brud&r  Bones'  Book  of  Stump-Speeches 30 


Send.  Cash  Orders  to 

P.  O.  Box  2975. 


DICK  &  FITZGERALD, 

Publishers,  New  York. 


